My exH refusing to collect children

[mrshectic]

So I will try to keep this short.

Since I moved 7 miles away to a nicer village with more space for my children (they now have their own bedroom as opposed to being squashed in together), my ex is refusing to collect them for his time with them. He doesn't own a car, but he has always used his Mums car to pick them up from the school on his time. She also does his shopping for him at least once a week and he looks after her dog regularly to do so.

He says that because I moved, it's my responsibility to get the children to him and collect them afterwards. Now I have done because it's not fair on the kids that they miss time with him. But I simply cannot keep being expected to spend time and money doing ALL of the carting around using petrol money for him to sit at home doing nothing.

I work, and try hard to homeschool our 3 kids, which he does not help with, even though he doesn't work.

AIBU? Should I suck it up and take them because he tells me he's telling the children it's my fault they won't have time with him?

Fwiw, I have asked why he suddenly won't use his Mums car as he has a support bubble with her, but he simply says it's my responsibility.

So many times on here the man has moved away and the advice been it’s his responsibility to travel as he moved away.

That's usually because the mother has responsibility for doing 90% of the day-to-day childcare.

He's an idiot.

7 miles is nothing. You are entitled to move within a reasonable distance and expect both parties to drive still.

I would leave it. If he wants to see them he comes. If not, well, that speaks volumes and he won't be able to moan about you to the kids because he won't be seeing them!

He needs to grow up. Why isn't he working?!

It's 7 miles. At best it do half the journeys.

Send an email or text saying that he can do more overnights if he wants but don't let him bully you with that crap.

@BoyTree

Why should he be out of pocket. Around here a 6 mile bus ride would be £4 for an adult, no idea the cost for 2 kids. Why should he be so out of pocket because you moved?

So that he can see his children?

Yes but a possible £15 a week when he’s not working (maybe he could work I don’t know) and because OP moved? Would it not be easier to come up with another arrangement like he collects from school only?

@Ermidunno

I agree with him. So many times on here the man has moved away and the advice been it’s his responsibility to travel as he moved away. It’s not far so a bit pedantic of him but since he doesn’t have a car yes I think it’s your responsibility.

Or it's his responsibility to get a job and a car? Like any other adult/parent does?

OP - I'm guessing you don't get much for CMS given he doesn't work?

We don’t know his circumstances. He could be ill.

The question is - do you value you the time off when he has the children, or would you be happy if they were with you? If it’s the former then you’ll probably need to suck it up, but if it’s the latter then just don’t take them. Make them available, ie have a bag packed (but don’t make a big thing of it to them) and if he doesn’t turn up, that’s on him.

As annoying as it is I'd do what is best for the kids.

When me and ex separated he lived next door but one (very amicable) and shared care. He then moved 50 miles away and we met half way. I moved 10 miles further south and wanted to stop meeting half way as I felt it was his responsibility anyway. Our once amicable relationship became toxic overnight and we've never recovered. Sadly the dc suffered most. I wish I hadn't dug my heels in and supported them seeing their dad. At the end of the day they wanted to see him and were too young to facilitate that without me.

It's not too far for you and it's what's best for them. He's being awkward but if you carry on supporting the dc by taking them he may come round a bit and if you then can't genuinely drop them he might be amenable and collect.

He sounds like a complete dick OP - well done for no longer being with him.

Now I would say 7 miles/10 mins car journey is nothing as he does have access to a car and plenty of time.

So I'd say no to dropping to him. I'd also prepare your kids (age dependent) for him being an arsehole and not coming on his allocated contact times.

Comments along the lines of 'you moved, you do the ferrying' is right when the move is mouth more substantial that 7 piddling miles.

7 miles is very different from moving 100s. You moved to have more space for your DC. He is an arse and should be pleased the DC are more comfortable. I would leave him to it, he has access to a car, he is pointedly refusing to even negotiate with you. He is alienating himself...

• much more substantial not mouth more!

No wonder he’s your ex! What a shameful excuse for a man. You moved to get a better house for the children with their own bedrooms not to be far away from him/to seperate him from his kids. He sounds so childish and unlikely you’ll be able to reason with someone so petty. Can you contact his mother and see what she says? Perhaps she could collect them?

@Soubriquet

Take him to court again

The judge wouldn't be impressed with either parent over the 7 mile distance. S/he may be so pissed off with the OP bringing it to Court they tell her to do the driving as the father will simply say he doesn't have his own car and sporadic access to his mothers.

OP as you are the parent who moved unless you have a good reason e.g. you have a newborn, have a disability/illness then agree to some of the travelling. So if he sees them eow then do one weekend a month and tell him that you can't do any more. Don't give reasons why.

@Ermidunno

From the OP even though he doesn't work

OP I dont think you have much option if he refuses and you and the children want him to see them. He's being a bit pathetic over 7 miles though technically the parent who moves is usually expected to cover the travel.

Sounds like he's flexing his muscles and showing you who's boss. Twat.

Don't rise to it and just be glad you got rid of this feeble excuse of a man. If you try and enforce it he may well just say he won't see them at all. The court can't make him. They'll miss their dad (I presume) and you won't get a break. If the useless lump of lard isn't working he knows having them less won't increase his maintenance so you've nothing to bargain with unfortunately.

Tell he has to collect. If he says anything to the kids, shrug and tell them that daddy is welcome to come and get them, you don’t understand the problem. Make it matter of fact, no big deal. Reassure them that you would never stop daddy coming to get them in his weekends. Let them ask the awkward questions. Kids aren’t stupid, they know it’s not far and will realise he’d rather battle this with you than see them. Don’t make it a big deal with him or them, broken record “he can come get you/you can come them, there is no issue.”

Have you pointed out to him that the court order says he is supposed to collect them?

Have they changed school as well as moving where you lived? If not what has changed regarding his pick up?

Thankyou for all your responses. And no I don’t get a penny towards the children, not even help with school clothes or shoes. I pay for everything, including clubs, plus I have to pick them up from his and take them myself or they don’t go. It’s unbelievable really that he has the nerve to call me a bad parent.

Did the court order predate your move?

@mrshectic

This is just the thing though, he is supposed to collect them on the court order. He says I’m evil and alienating his children, even though he does have access to a car... he is simply refusing.

Isn’t parental responsibility on both parents to share the pick up and collection?

I doubt the courts would consider 7m a material move. Just stop driving and tell him if he doesn’t like it to take it to court.

@mrshectic

Thankyou for all your responses. And no I don’t get a penny towards the children, not even help with school clothes or shoes. I pay for everything, including clubs, plus I have to pick them up from his and take them myself or they don’t go. It’s unbelievable really that he has the nerve to call me a bad parent.

I wouldn’t bother doing anything for him then.

Has he been banned from driving and just doesn't want it to be known?

I moved 30 mins away my ex still picked his kids up from school, I dropped off too when I could but he never said a word about us moving as we moved to a nicer area with better schools etc. Do ex partners or wives have to never move just so dads don’t have to go out of their way?...if you wanted to see your kids you’d make it happen. If you were struggling you could speak to the other parent and negotiate one dropping off and one picking up or whatever. It’s not all on one person. It’s 7 miles too, he can use his mums car or he could get a job and be a grown up

You have not moved out of area so I think it is ridiculous. He is punishing you for moving on.