My exH refusing to collect children

[mrshectic]

So I will try to keep this short.

Since I moved 7 miles away to a nicer village with more space for my children (they now have their own bedroom as opposed to being squashed in together), my ex is refusing to collect them for his time with them. He doesn't own a car, but he has always used his Mums car to pick them up from the school on his time. She also does his shopping for him at least once a week and he looks after her dog regularly to do so.

He says that because I moved, it's my responsibility to get the children to him and collect them afterwards. Now I have done because it's not fair on the kids that they miss time with him. But I simply cannot keep being expected to spend time and money doing ALL of the carting around using petrol money for him to sit at home doing nothing.

I work, and try hard to homeschool our 3 kids, which he does not help with, even though he doesn't work.

AIBU? Should I suck it up and take them because he tells me he's telling the children it's my fault they won't have time with him?

Fwiw, I have asked why he suddenly won't use his Mums car as he has a support bubble with her, but he simply says it's my responsibility.

Eg the more work you do the more money you get

@mrshectic just do exactly what the court order says - you've mentioned the order but not the specific handover details. You can't go wrong if you follow the court's directions. The court cannot fault you He has to sort his own transport out.

It will be SO much less stressful for you if you don't have to think about this nonsense. And tell the kids what the orders say (only in as much as that "the judge said x so that is what we do").

For context, DD's father pulls this sort of shit. I ignore it as much as I can, and follow exactly the orders in place. He moved 6 hrs away - and complained about not seeing DD (now 11). Then an extra 1.5 hrs - more complaints. Twat. We went back to court, and the end result is that he has to do ALL the travel. Both ways. I log when he misses phone calls (also at court-ordered times as he was previously harassing poor DD with up to 15 calls in a day...). Apparently I am 'blocking contact' and 'alienating her'. The courts are used to knobends like this and know how to deal with them.

Good luck!

@mrshectic

Chewingle, tbh I am not sure why I want to facilitate. I am just trying to do what’s right in the eyes of the courts and the law, and what’s morally right...although the two things don’t often go hand in hand.

Well the court order says he collects and drops back after contact, so that's your legal part. In what world is sending your DC to stay with someone who'll neglect them 'morally the right thing'? You keep going on about how you want what's best for the DC. How is facilitating his neglect of them, by dropping them to him, in their best interests?

I dispear the lenghts women (mostly ) on this site are supposed to bend over backwads to make contact happen
Normally I'd agree, but the consensus on most threads is that the parent who moves away facilitates the travel arrangements. It doesn't matter whether that is mum/dad/who is resident parent/who is non resident parent.

I'd be inclined to say that had the OP said her ex moved 7 miles down the road, the consensus would be almost exclusively that he moved so he has to sort it, especially because 7 miles isn't that far.

We can't be saying 'it's only 7 miles so ex should sort it out, get the bus and stop making a big deal' when if it's not that far and not a big deal there's no reason for the parent who chose to move (OP) to sort the travel for a move they chose.

@LolaSmiles
It is totally different when the RP makes a move that is in the children’s day to day interests.

As opposed to a NRP making a move

I'm not disputing reasons for the move, just that in general the consensus is the parent who moves facilitates the travel arrangements.
Otherwise the situation arises where the expectation is that the non resident parent is responsible for travel if they move, and then the non resident parent is responsible even if the resident parent chooses to move.

@thequeenoftarts

No sorry ex, this weekend is your weekend, not next weekend. If you chose not to see your children this weekend that is your choice, you will have to wait for three weekends when it is your turn again.

regards mrshectic

This.

But also, contact is for the kids. It really is only 7 miles. Just do it. But on your terms op.

YABU. You moved, you take them.

Otherwise the situation arises where the expectation is that the non resident parent is responsible for travel if they move, and then the non resident parent is responsible even if the resident parent chooses to move.

Within reason, I actually don't see the problem with this. In most cases, the NRP is doing dramatically less parenting than the RP and has more free time, so why shouldn't they put in a little extra time once a fortnight to share the load and see their kids?

Ffs, All these ‘you moved’ - this isn’t ‘moved’. All those parent x must travel court decisions are because someone moved 100 miles. There is no legal bias towards preventing parents from moving house ever. In court the judge would say something like I see. So your ex wife has moved the children 7 miles away. And she shows us on bus timetables this is 7 minutes. Can I ask do you ever travel 7 miles for other reasons? Would you not go to a shop or restaurant because it was outside your 6 mile limit? Would you not take a job because 7 miles commute is prohibitive? Are your children less important than the odd restaurant visit? Less worth your time? We regard an in county move as a normal feature of life, especially parenting life where children grow and need more room. Your ex has given very good reasons as a parent for this move to an insignificant distance away, which is within many people’s regular running distances (mine, and I’m no elite althlete). You should try and experience more of that parenting life to understand this concept. You may begin this by collecting your children.

*17 mins re the bus timetable

@mrshectic

This is just the thing though, he is supposed to collect them on the court order. He says I’m evil and alienating his children, even though he does have access to a car... he is simply refusing.

Isn’t parental responsibility on both parents to share the pick up and collection?

However, the cao would have been made before you relocated. So though it's only a 15/10 bus/drive away, that's on top of what it was when it was more local. Yes, it's infuriating, but my middle ground would now be that as school is happening and he's presumably due to Collect from school, he'll do this, if you haven't moved their school that is. If you have moved the school, then really you only have 2 options, return to court or facilitate the contact by doing the travel. Obviously, you could not do the travel, but is this in your children's best interests?

So a man who contributes nothing towards his DC, refusing to pick up or drop off his DC because there mother dare move 7miles away to a bigger house so the DC have there own room and a bigger living space. DC that she is doing everything for whilst he doesn’t work and sponges off his mother .but some on here think it’s still the mother’s responsibility to put the DC interest first and take them to there dad. She did put her DC interest first by moving a short distance to a place with more space. Time for woman to stop enabling these lazy man children when they are now divorced or separated. What are we teaching our DC? It’s not the OP job to ensure her DC see there dad it’s his responsibility and to be honest he should want to. He is using it to exert control over his ex. This has nothing to do with the DC- but he will suggest it is.

You're supposed to walk through fire for your children...and he can't get on a bus?!

I’d be inclined to say that the children will be available for contact as per the court arrangement. If he chooses not to collect them that is his choice. By all means he can go back to court but I doubt it will be seen favourably.

Seven miles is nothing I travel that distance to drop my youngest to school, he’s just being difficult for the sake of being difficult. The father of my eldest children was exactly the same. He was happy to point out all my shortcomings and his rights but not so keen on the responsibilities.

7 miles is nothing, if he wants to see the children he would make the effort. Stick to the court order, he’s just trying to take control.

I’d walk 7 miles each day to see my kids if I had to.