My exH refusing to collect children

[mrshectic]

So I will try to keep this short.

Since I moved 7 miles away to a nicer village with more space for my children (they now have their own bedroom as opposed to being squashed in together), my ex is refusing to collect them for his time with them. He doesn't own a car, but he has always used his Mums car to pick them up from the school on his time. She also does his shopping for him at least once a week and he looks after her dog regularly to do so.

He says that because I moved, it's my responsibility to get the children to him and collect them afterwards. Now I have done because it's not fair on the kids that they miss time with him. But I simply cannot keep being expected to spend time and money doing ALL of the carting around using petrol money for him to sit at home doing nothing.

I work, and try hard to homeschool our 3 kids, which he does not help with, even though he doesn't work.

AIBU? Should I suck it up and take them because he tells me he's telling the children it's my fault they won't have time with him?

Fwiw, I have asked why he suddenly won't use his Mums car as he has a support bubble with her, but he simply says it's my responsibility.

@mrshectic

His sister actually only lives one mile up my road. But again, it’s down to me apparently to be able to go to and from both times so he can have them .

Anyway, regardless of all the sad behaviour and him constantly putting me down and telling the children he can’t see them because of me...I will still have to if they aren’t to be caught in the crossfire. It’s just a very sad state of affairs that I can do nothing about if I don’t want the children to be involved in it.

He sounds exactly like my DS father. He won't pick her up either. I live 15 drive minutes away and not the 10 minutes walk I used to No money from him in 9 years and he still thinks he's a great dad.

Gosh.. i do dispear of some posters moved away is not 7 miles down the road...

He has all day to walk if he wants to save the bus fayre one way.

I would be very cleat ...Dear busy dad.... yours children are available for collection on .... please do confirn if you are clollecting as per court order..That way is he returns to court he can't say you didn't make them available...

I dispear the lenghts women (mostly ) on this site are supposed to bend over backwads to make contact happen..

If I only got to see my DS eow and one evening I would walk over hot coals to see him. I don't know how some people are shocked he wouldn't jump on a bus to see them.

OP, I get that you want to protect your kids but you're not putting them in the middle - he is. In your place I would do... Nothing. If he shows up, great for the kids (though with the history of neglect...) If he doesn't show up, then he doesn't. I wouldn't go after him to try and make him do anything because it doesn't work, and puts him in control. I would only send one message stating his kids are ready for (date and time) for him to pick them up as per the court order, so that you have records to show if it does go to court (hint - it won't).

If he shows up it means he may actually care about them.

If he doesn't it's no loss for any of you.

Stop running after him and doing what he wants because it'll only get worse. If he gets his way with this he'll start playing this game with other things. Maybe even try to get money from you.

He needs to collect his kids (from school )and you need to go and get them back from his place.

Just refuse. Let him take you back to court

He wont

If he did not collect them he would miss his time with them.

Someone said "OP, pick your battles" but you do not need any more battles once you have a court order!
Since you denied him the battle over this OP, he has taken to SM to garner support, so oblige him by taking screen shots. If he wants to vary the court order, let him pay to do that, but you can provide the screen shots to show this is about his control of you and certainly not for the benefit of the children!
Well done for refusing to engage with his nonsense!

7 miles is not far. It sounds like he is used to having things done for him.

@5zeds

He doesn’t want to see them but he wants the stopping to be your fault. He also wants them to be sad about moving.

This. what a loser

Is the new home more convenient for the children? Ie closer to school?

I think you have to completely and cheerily ignore anything he says. He’s trying to control you.

Do what you think is best for your children. The older two are at ages where they can understand this “I’ll make sure you always get to see your father when you want and when possible, as long as it doesn’t prevent me from putting food on the table and keeping a roof over our heads.”

And frankly, even many little girls that age will see that it’s not normal or fair for the burden to always be on you.

Something is wrong with this man, obviously. What’s his excuse for it working?

14 and 12 (assuming no sen) are old enough to get the bus to him themselves if they want to go.

I’d trust a 14 year old with a 7 year old for that short sort of journey.

So I’d just tell the older ones dad didn’t want to collect any longer but they can get the bus to his if they want to go.

@Cuppachino

The children don't care who drives but it's them who will suffer when they feel like they don't have a relationship with their dad anymore or that he doesn't love them

I'm sorry but I just can't agree with this. You are suggesting that OP should allow herself to be bullied and dictated to by her ex just to save the ex making any effort or do any parenting. If the DC don't have a relationship with their father, that's on him and him alone. OP would show a better example to show them she won't be bullied by him and explain it's his CHOICE to not pick them up.

No not at all, my post was in response to a couple of people who seemed a bit critical of OP for still taking the kids rather than taking a stand.

@GemmeFatale

14 and 12 (assuming no sen) are old enough to get the bus to him themselves if they want to go.

I’d trust a 14 year old with a 7 year old for that short sort of journey.

So I’d just tell the older ones dad didn’t want to collect any longer but they can get the bus to his if they want to go.

Yeah but then you're probably going to get the kids asking their mum for a lift anyway, since she will probably be home when they leave. Then she ends up the bad guy for saying no.

@SunshineCake

Why are you busting your arse for your kids to spend time with a loser who just wants to hurt their mum?

He isn't a good role model. He is criticising you and I would risk going back to court unless the kids are desperate to spend time with him.

Absolutely, I had the same situation thought I was doing better once he knew I wasn't going back, and we were doing hand overs, and I was still doing too much. I had the 'I'm not going to see him anymore' and on his way to collect we had words and I got the 'should I not come' so that I was on the edge of my chair feeling shit. He is now on bail and SW advised no contact until he wants to take it to court, have had to block him because of his stupid 'any chance to see DC' texts, when he has been told what the plan now is, I just feel so sorry for my poor little DC, and it will be 'nice' for him if his father does go to court to try to set something up, I feel it's going to be a long rocky road though, unfortunately!

And Graphista's line about fighting with pigs! Love it.

Haha

Thanks but it's not mine! It's a paraphrase of a george Bernard shaw quote

I made a mistake on cms calculator as he only has them fortnightly overnight. He should be paying the grand total of £6.99 a week for 3 kids! Fucking disgrace!

Yes it's a fairly pathetic amount BUT it sets a precedent and is at least SOMETHING towards the costs of transport that frankly I think he owes you! And he would HATE paying it!

I totally agree that rps need to stop interpreting "not bad mouthing the ex" as "shield the kids from the nrps flaws" I made that mistake too and wish I hadn't

@SpaceRaiders thank you

Yes - my posts were already my infamously long style (which one particular poster hates and stalks me to complain about!) but my ex also, when we still lived near him - (which was for a few years after split as I hadn't wanted to take dd out of her settled nursery place) I didn't make the big move lightly I agonised over it! - didn't bother coming to nativity plays, sports days, parents evenings, medical appointments etc his excuse was that he didn't want me giving him hassle at said events - even though I had NEVER done anything like that and he had NO reason to think I would. His parents and even siblings came to the social stuff and were all perfectly capable of being pleasant to each other and enjoying the events. I know his sister gave him a bollocking at least once over this stuff.

And when he did, what he paid barely covered my fuel!

Yep that was me too! On the odd months he was paying cm it was swallowed up in travel costs for dd alone! Didn't even cover my travel - I was a bloody mug!

Dd recently started speaking to him again and even all these years later he tried to claim he paid "£100's" in cm "every month" well...I still have the same bank account and the statements that can prove he didn't! (Yea I'm a pack rat! I hate getting rid of stuff like that), when dd told him this funnily enough he stopped trying to claim that!

The responsibility for this DEFINITELY should not be placed on the children.

When I was splitting from ex a wise lady from ssafa advised me that generally speaking as the kids get older they see right through deadbeats and she was for the most part right

Block him on social media then you don't have to see his whining. The oldest two DC should be able to just see him as and when they want by now anyway and get there and back themselves?

I think he's being ridiculous over 7 miles, that's not far at all, were you supposed to always live within a 1 mile radius of your existing home or something. I understand the argument "if you move, you need to travel to collect" if you knowingly move 200 miles from your kids or something, you can't expect that of an ex, but 7 miles is local so that "rule" doesn't apply here. Just tell him he's being ridiculous and see what he does.

@ItsMarch

Why aren’t you taking his refusal to collect as the gift that it is? And this.

This.

@mrshectic

I really am very grateful to you all... you have a lot of valid points and have made me feel a little relived that I’m not overreacting .

He says he will forget this weekend as I’m not willing to let them see him , and that he’ll just collect them from school when they return next Friday and make that his weekend. I know he’ll pick them up in the bloody car too!

Why are you letting him have it all his own way again? This weekend is his weekend, next weekend isn’t so tell him to piss off and stick to the arrangement.

You aren’t stopping him seeing them, he is too idle to make the effort!

No sorry ex, this weekend is your weekend, not next weekend. If you chose not to see your children this weekend that is your choice, you will have to wait for three weekends when it is your turn again.

regards mrshectic

Tell him that you will meet him outside your old house, that way you are "making up" for the 7 miles increase....

He doesn’t get to just choose weekends. Every other weekend is defined. ‘Understand you don’t want to come this weekend. We have plans next weekend, your next contsct weekend is Friday the 19th March, do you still want that weekend? shall I let children know you are picking them up from school then?

Technically he’s correct but I’m assuming they haven’t moved schools? Therefore, he can pick up from school and drop back to school? Pick up from school on a Thursday drop back to school on a Friday morning?

If he continues to be difficult say you’ll have to contact CMS for increased money as the payments are based on him doing some of the work?