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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My exH refusing to collect children

341 replies

mrshectic · 04/03/2021 09:40

So I will try to keep this short.

Since I moved 7 miles away to a nicer village with more space for my children (they now have their own bedroom as opposed to being squashed in together), my ex is refusing to collect them for his time with them. He doesn't own a car, but he has always used his Mums car to pick them up from the school on his time. She also does his shopping for him at least once a week and he looks after her dog regularly to do so.

He says that because I moved, it's my responsibility to get the children to him and collect them afterwards. Now I have done because it's not fair on the kids that they miss time with him. But I simply cannot keep being expected to spend time and money doing ALL of the carting around using petrol money for him to sit at home doing nothing.

I work, and try hard to homeschool our 3 kids, which he does not help with, even though he doesn't work.

AIBU? Should I suck it up and take them because he tells me he's telling the children it's my fault they won't have time with him?

Fwiw, I have asked why he suddenly won't use his Mums car as he has a support bubble with her, but he simply says it's my responsibility.

OP posts:
bibliomania · 04/03/2021 10:14

There is what's right and what's legally enforceable.

What's right - not a big ask for him to collect them. But honestly, you can waste a lot of energy fuming about an unreasonable person acting unreasonably.

What's enforceable - you can't make him. Either you let it slide and he doesn't see them (he could take you to court but the judge won't be impressed) or you think it's worth it to you to do the driving. Shrug and do what works for you.

Lucked · 04/03/2021 10:16

Thinking about it I would drop them off and let him get them back to you. One trip each.

Bibidy · 04/03/2021 10:16

God, 7 miles is nothing, why does he have such an issue with it?

I would call his bluff and say he can pick them up and you will collect them, see if he shows up.

LannieDuck · 04/03/2021 10:17

Was the court order after you moved? If so, he doesn't have a single leg to stand on.

If you moved after the court order, you could seek guidance as to what a reasonable distance is before the court order no longer applies - your lawyer might give an opinion. It would then be up to him to take it to court if he disagrees.

Why aren't you getting CMS? Does he not work?

Hellodarknessmyoldpal · 04/03/2021 10:17

If you go down the route of leave him to come get them, bags packed ready and waiting, and he doesn't show it may be a small victory for you but will presumably hurt your DC (unless they aren't too fussed about seeing him?!)

7 miles is a petty amount to make a stand over on either side. It is unfair and an annoying situation for you to be in that all responsibilities for transporting the kids falls on you. Is it time or money or principle that bothers you most here?

Ultimately i would do whatever is best for the DC. When mum and dad point score they are the only ones who lose out and you could protect them from that even if he isn't willing to. If he continues to be so selfish they will see this in their own time.

Bibidy · 04/03/2021 10:19

@Ermidunno

I agree with him. So many times on here the man has moved away and the advice been it’s his responsibility to travel as he moved away. It’s not far so a bit pedantic of him but since he doesn’t have a car yes I think it’s your responsibility.
7 miles is not moving away though. It's embarrassing that he's making an issue out of it.

He'd rather not see his kids than drive, what, 20 minutes? Out of principle that OP moved that short distance away?

It's madness.

Thefaceofboe · 04/03/2021 10:20

People acting like OP has moved across the country. He’s being difficult and he should be making an effort to pick up his own children.

MessagesKeepGettingClearer · 04/03/2021 10:21

@mrshectic

Thankyou for all your responses. And no I don’t get a penny towards the children, not even help with school clothes or shoes. I pay for everything, including clubs, plus I have to pick them up from his and take them myself or they don’t go. It’s unbelievable really that he has the nerve to call me a bad parent.
He's a loser. Was he like this when you were with him? I'm not trying to judge you as clearly you're MUCH more switched on than him but I do find it a bit strange you had three children with such a pathetic excuse for a parent/adult.
NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 04/03/2021 10:22

Can you offer to split it? He is supposed to collect but you have moved. Is he dropping them back to you after or no?

TakeTheCuntOutOfScunthorpe · 04/03/2021 10:23

Offer to drop the kids off outside your old house so that he can pick them up from there. That way it won't be putting him out, he will be in the same position as before you moved.

Givemeabreak88 · 04/03/2021 10:24

I’m sorry but there is no way a 7 mile trip is 15 minutes on the bus! That’s laughable, if I compare it to where I am in London a 7 mile bus trip would take almost an hour so no I don’t believe that it’s a 15 minute bus ride

AvocadosBeforeMortgages · 04/03/2021 10:25

If it was 70 miles I'd think he had a point, but this is 7 miles and he has access to a car, so he's being petty.

Viviennemary · 04/03/2021 10:25

He is being awkward. But you chose to move. But in your circumstances I'd say he is the one in the wrong as he doesn't work. Why doesn't he get a job.

Original poster
mrshectic · 04/03/2021 10:26

I also don’t want my kids to suffer, which is why I always end up doing it. I struggle as it is money wise supporting 3 kids, keeping down a job and renting because we lost our house due to him not working. we separated nearly 8 years ago yet still he is not working and making my life miserable.

OP posts:
Ermidunno · 04/03/2021 10:27

@Givemeabreak88

I’m sorry but there is no way a 7 mile trip is 15 minutes on the bus! That’s laughable, if I compare it to where I am in London a 7 mile bus trip would take almost an hour so no I don’t believe that it’s a 15 minute bus ride
This is my thought. The next village (7 miles) here involves a 20 minute bus to nearest town centre (2 miles), change bus to village (40 minutes). A 7 mile bus ride on just one bus in any direction takes 30-40 minutes. I’m in the north where buses are poor so some are only hourly too.
Thefaceofboe · 04/03/2021 10:27

im sorry but there is no way a 7 mile trip is 15 minutes on the bus! That’s laughable, if I compare it to where I am in London a 7 mile bus trip would take almost an hour so no I don’t believe that it’s a 15 minute bus ride

But you are in London? It’s easy to be able to do a 7 mile journey in 15 minutes where I am. Not everyone lives in a city

Pippa234 · 04/03/2021 10:29

If you move away then I usually think the parent who moves does the traveling, but 7 miles is nothing, he sounds petty.
Perhaps offer to drop them off and he drops them back, but really I don't think you are being unreasonable.

LaurieFairyCake · 04/03/2021 10:29

If it really does only take you 10 minutes to drive it then surely it's better for you to keep control of this ?

You would get to choose when to go and when to pick up - when you hear on here so many men playing silly buggers and turning up hours late, dropping off days early

I understand it's the principle Thanks

Do they have a good time with Granny? Is she supportive ?

Andwereback · 04/03/2021 10:29

I'd go to CMS and claim maintenance. If he is on benefits for not working it will be a minimal amount but it's the principle he should be paying towards his kids. I would either drop the kids with him and make him bring them back or vice versa if you think he wouldn't bring them back. And that would be as a kind compromise not because you have to. I haven't seen what his journey was before you moved? If he was paying maintenance voluntarily or buying uniform etc I would have said you do the travelling as you moved, however as he is doing the bare minimum of seeing them it changes my opinion.

BrumBoo · 04/03/2021 10:29

It's 7 miles. 7 sodding miles. A compromised once in a while, if for whatever reason he can't use his mums car as an example, that's (almost) understandable, but this just just a power play on his part. You'd have to move at least an hour away before anyone would think that it becomes primarily your issue to make sure the children see their father.

Have you attempted to claim child maintenance from him, @mrshectic? Because you should, regardless of his unemployment. If he insists that you absolutely always have to do the travelling, he can pay for the petrol at the very least.

Givemeabreak88 · 04/03/2021 10:30

Well I’m guessing op has probably never travelled there by bus so is assuming it’s the same distance as a car? Like I said I’ve checked how long a 7 mile bus trip would take from where I am and it says 52 minutes, so that’s 2 hours on the bus an hour there to collect them and an hour to bring them back to his! I find it hard to believe it’s 15 minutes and the op is probably basing that on how long it is to drive.

5zeds · 04/03/2021 10:30

Here 16 miles takes 33 minute to 40 minutes, so 15 mins for 7 miles sounds entirely plausible.

GladysTheGroovyMule · 04/03/2021 10:30

He’s a petty, sad little man who prioritises making his stupid point over taking care of his children. For the record I think it’s fair to take turns or meet halfway depending on how far it is (although 7 miles is sod all) so I would be very tempted to call his bluff and say “ok, guess you’ll see them when you see them” and refuse to get dragged into this. Not saying it’s the right thing to do but it’s the way I have to deal with my ex who is abusive and controlling so I don’t get sucked back into all that.

Bibidy · 04/03/2021 10:30

@Givemeabreak88

I’m sorry but there is no way a 7 mile trip is 15 minutes on the bus! That’s laughable, if I compare it to where I am in London a 7 mile bus trip would take almost an hour so no I don’t believe that it’s a 15 minute bus ride
But he has access to a car? Which he has always used to pick them up before?
Givemeabreak88 · 04/03/2021 10:32

It would also be two buses where I am so he may be having to take multiple buses. If the op drives then she won’t realise that.

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