My exH refusing to collect children

[mrshectic]

So I will try to keep this short.

Since I moved 7 miles away to a nicer village with more space for my children (they now have their own bedroom as opposed to being squashed in together), my ex is refusing to collect them for his time with them. He doesn't own a car, but he has always used his Mums car to pick them up from the school on his time. She also does his shopping for him at least once a week and he looks after her dog regularly to do so.

He says that because I moved, it's my responsibility to get the children to him and collect them afterwards. Now I have done because it's not fair on the kids that they miss time with him. But I simply cannot keep being expected to spend time and money doing ALL of the carting around using petrol money for him to sit at home doing nothing.

I work, and try hard to homeschool our 3 kids, which he does not help with, even though he doesn't work.

AIBU? Should I suck it up and take them because he tells me he's telling the children it's my fault they won't have time with him?

Fwiw, I have asked why he suddenly won't use his Mums car as he has a support bubble with her, but he simply says it's my responsibility.

Ask his mother if you can borrow her car to drop her grand children off as your ex won't.

How old are the children? Could you put them on the bus at one end and him pick them up at the other?

@Givemeabreak88 it does depend where you are and if the bus has many stops. From where I live I can get a bus that travels 7 miles in 20 mins, or I could take a bus somewhere else that would take an hour.

@mrshectic

I also don’t want my kids to suffer, which is why I always end up doing it. I struggle as it is money wise supporting 3 kids, keeping down a job and renting because we lost our house due to him not working. we separated nearly 8 years ago yet still he is not working and making my life miserable.

I'd stop.

Let him take you back to court. The distance you've moved is perfectly reasonable

Do it. He will soon realise it puts you entirely in control if he wants to change times etc. This is something I did with my ex. He is pretty thick skinned. It took a few months. But don't go nuts. Get all your jobs done etc.

A court could side with the parent who is "better placed" to travel, not necessarily who moved away. In my case I have to travel a couple hours every other Sunday for day contact (ex does not want overnights), and it was him who moved away

A court would tell you its 7 miles and to stop wasting their time.

I also agree that the distance makes a difference - what if you’d only moved 2 miles, would he still refuse? I’d say anything less than an hour’s drive each way shouldn’t be one parents responsibility even if they used to live closer. Wiukd meeting in the middle be an option? Not nice for the kids to be handed over in a car park or layby but on the other hand it’s not fair if you do all of the driving for years and years.

What would happen if you dropped off and told him he could bring them back. Or say we'll take it in turns. I'll do it one week you do the other.
Then you're put upon less, there's still the opportunity for them to see him too. Put it in an email so you have evidence of you trying but being fair to you too.

I’m sorry but there is no way a 7 mile trip is 15 minutes on the bus! That’s laughable, if I compare it to where I am in London a 7 mile bus trip would take almost an hour so no I don’t believe that it’s a 15 minute bus ride As many others have said! It is round here. Village or market town to main town or city: 7 miles, just a shade under 20 minutes even with a couple of stops>>

OP. Bite the bullett and have a face to face conversation with him. Plain truth: he is not supporting his kids in any way, emotionally, developmentally or financially, he is choosing not to parent, as shown by his telling them you are a bad mother, stopping them from seeing him. He either bucks his ideas up or you will completey stop facilitating his uselesssness.

Then do go for CMS, tell him that you will collect the kids from his, he can collect from you. That'll leave the ball in his court. He can explain to his kids why he didn't bother colectingh them in granny's car like he always has done!

7 fucking miles? He's a ;azy twat. But you know that!

I'd stop.

Let him take you back to court. The distance you've moved is perfectly reasonable

But OP is doing the best thing for her own kids. That's what matters here.

Her ex is being a dick, no arguments there, but it's the children that suffer if OP decides not to drop them anymore.

I agree that its not as simple as "who moved" in any of these cases. That's just one factor in a whole range of them that would determine what was a fair split of the whole parenting shebang. Very often in these cases, it is the nrp who moved, so they might be doing basically no actual parenting day to day,- eow and holidays only, in which case they absolutely should be doing all the travelling. But if the RP has moved, usually because they get a job or family support etc that enables the immensely difficult task of single parenting to happen, then I don't think it should automatically also then fall to them to do all or even 50% of the travelling because they are basically doing everything else. In this particular case I really don't consider that they have "moved". Its such a tiny distance, shorter than most peoples' daily commutes or trip to the supermarket even. He's clearly being a feckless, lazy twat so as pp have said, it all comes down to doing the right thing for the kids which may be you continuing to do for now - I would though go through CMS for any maintenance, no matter how small, just to make the point and be very very clear with set times for contact. You will take and collect them, but at X and x time only, not later or earlier as it suits him. Any deviation from that, its up to him. Its highly unlikely he wouldn't return them as that would mean he'd have to actually parent them.

If it was me I would probably use this as an opportunity to get this waster out of mine and my children's lives
He's not going to improve and he could end up being a drain on your resources, I would just quietly distance myself ....let the bridge crumble and decay, stop trying to build it up

@Bibidy

Her ex is being a dick, no arguments there, but it's the children that suffer if OP decides not to drop them anymore.

Why model such passive behaviour to DC?

He refuses to pick up his own children, he doesn’t sound like a great after anyway.

@oil0W0lio

If it was me I would probably use this as an opportunity to get this waster out of mine and my children's lives He's not going to improve and he could end up being a drain on your resources, I would just quietly distance myself ....let the bridge crumble and decay, stop trying to build it up

💯

How does he treat your DC? Is he a good dad to them?? If not (and his attitude to seeing them/homeschooling doesn't indicate that he is) then I would stop.
He's being a dick & it's really not your responsibility to deliver your children to him. Let him knock himself out with court, he's the one breaking the agreement, not you.

@AtSwimTwoBerts
From my personal experience, I would not be so sure. I have a near-constant court presence in my life with my ex - the court had to opine on the topic of haircuts for children and whether they should be allowed minecraft, for example. They have a duty of care, even if they think the parents are being completely ridiculous.

@Givemeabreak88

He’s hardly going to do a 4 hour walk is he, again I’ve checked that and 7 miles would take 2 hours there 2 hours back 4 in total, I wouldn’t be happy with my kids walking 2 hours personally when the op could drop them in 10 mins, sounds like punishing the kids because of the dad.

It takes you 2 hours to walk 7 miles, it takes me a lot less to walk 7 miles.

Also in good weather it's a good walk for children and won't do them any harm. The point is there are plenty of resolutions to his problem without it always being the OP having to pick up the slack.

@Bibidy

I'd stop.

Let him take you back to court. The distance you've moved is perfectly reasonable

But OP is doing the best thing for her own kids. That's what matters here.

Her ex is being a dick, no arguments there, but it's the children that suffer if OP decides not to drop them anymore.

^ exactly

Lots of people getting hung up in discussing wether the duration of the bus journey is represented accurately or not but that is completely missing the point! A parent who wanted to see their ch would sit on a bus for as long as it took, this waster couldn't give a shit. The ch realising their dad isn't bothered about seeing them will hurt them, by continuing to do the driving OP is protecting their feelings. She is being a good mum even though it is not great for her. Your kids will recognise this one day OP!

He’s hardly going to do a 4 hour walk is he, again I’ve checked that and 7 miles would take 2 hours there 2 hours back 4 in total, I wouldn’t be happy with my kids walking 2 hours personally when the op could drop them in 10 mins, sounds like punishing the kids because of the dad.

He has access to a car.

Jesus it's 7 miles not 70. Yanbu at all. He should do 50% of it

This man's overarching goal is to have you at his beck and call, cause as much inconvenience and hassle for you as he can, he wants to try and make you do all the work and make you pay for everything
I highly doubt that there is anyway for him to be turned into a decent and co-operative parent. The most rational thing to do is carefully and strategically cut him loose...imo

Why model such passive behaviour to DC?

@mainsfed Try heading over to the step parenting board to see how much NRPs are expected to model passive behaviour when it's the RP who is being totally unreasonable.

Not suggesting for one second that OP here is in the wrong but sometimes you do just have to suck it up for the sake of the DCs. Whether or not it's in the best interest for OP's DC in this specific situation is debatable though.

No court in the land is going to force anyone to see their kids if they can't be arsed op, zero point taking it to court or even seeing your solicitor.

It really depends how much you value your kids' relationship with their dad, and how much you value your child-free time. If you do, then drive them. It's 7 miles. Do it on your terms though, eg you set the times.

As pp have said, it won't be long until they can get themselves there by bus. Maybe a taxi would be an option - I know it's an expense but worth it?

If the court order states he collects from your old address I wouldn't rock the boat by getting it amended, it could be shown that you moved, therefore you would become ordered to do all the travel, whereas now you really do have the upper hand (and the moral high ground, which is priceless). A few age-appropriate home truths to the kids might be allowed too, along the lines of dad isn't bothering to make the effort so I am kinda thing. Kids will work it out for themselves though.

It takes you 2 hours to walk 7 miles, it takes me a lot less to walk 7 miles.

Actually according to google it does! I put the distance in and it actually came to just over 2 hours And I imagine with children it could easily take longer. Children are generally slower.

Seven miles? That's nothing! How petty. Does he not want to see his kids?

You should either alternate so you deliver children to his house and he brings them back to your house. OR meet half way between the 2 houses.

He needs to cover the travel. I can’t believe people on here are sticking up for him 🤦‍♀️ You’ve been home schooling three children plus full time care responsibilities and he’s being a dick over a few miles. I bet the people sticking up for him have partners who have children from previous relationships.