He just can't be arsed!
Legally you can't enforce contact - which surprised and annoyed me when I first learned this but actually it makes sense why enforce an uncaring parent on a child
Legally the onus is on the nrp to turn up for contact
Be honest with yourself, you know him, is it just this one issue or is he generally disinterested and likely to remove himself from their lives in the near future? How long ago did you split? How has he been about contact generally?
Sounds like he cares more about demonising you than he does his kids
Why should he be out of pocket.
Why should op?! These are HIS kids too and I'd bet good money IF he's paying cm it's cms minimum!
As annoying as it is I'd do what is best for the kids.
And what is that?! As I said I've seen/dealt/am dealing with the ramifications of a disinterested, unengaged nrp who's more interested in scoring points against the ex than in providing a stable supportive relationship to their child, my dd is 20 now and still desperately seeking approval
and unconditional love from my ex that she's unlikely to ever experience. It's SO damaging!
Friends of hers and mine where the children never knew their dad or he buggered off when they were too young to remember are faring much better emotionally
what's best for the child isn't always contact and a relationship with the nrp when it's emotionally damaging even abusive (and banging on about how horrible the rp is to them IS abusive) frankly it's time courts recognised this and FINALLY ACTUALLY prioritised the children
Kids aren’t stupid
While I agree, adults are vulnerable to gaslighting children more so, if he's telling them EVERY Time he sees them that you're obstructing contact they may well start to wonder if it's true
And no I don’t get a penny towards the children what a surprise - not!!
Has he been banned from driving and just doesn't want it to be known? that wouldn't surprise me either - would it you op? Another possibility is his mother has said he'll have to cover the petrol and he is not wanting to do that (and his mother has no responsibility to the dc)
He's a deadbeat and toxic, personally I think your kids are likely better off without him in their lives
He's still point scoring and bitching after 8 years! Wtf! Talk about holding a grudge!
But you are in London? It’s easy to be able to do a 7 mile journey in 15 minutes where I am. Not everyone lives in a city
Exactly - but even an hour if it means having a good relationship with your kids and a good co-parenting relationship is worth it yes? I checked 7 miles where I am tales about 20 mins
My ex kicked off about me moving (admittedly significantly further) BUT he was army and at the time where we were living wasn't near EITHER family, where I moved to was a major city in Uk which is very easy to get to/from from pretty much any other part of the Uk! So wherever he ended up posted to contact would still be very manageable and potentially he could have been posted very nearby (something he never even bothered to request - which he could have!), he was indeed posted less than 6 months after I moved and where he was moved to, if I had stayed where we were when we split it would have been murder and very expensive to maintain regular contact with dd
Oh, I forgot to mention - even when we first split and he was in WALKING DISTANCE of us he barely bothered!
I've also witnessed other forces nrps make loads of effort to maintain contact and good relationships with their kids, including when they were located overseas
It can be done IF the nrp actually gives a shit!
If they don't they won't bother even if the distance is 1 mile!
I bent over backwards to ensure dd had contact with her dad. I did the travelling (100's of miles no car) and paid for it all inc at times overnight in a hotel or B&b if I couldn't get return travel the same day. Ex would bitch and moan about collecting her from the train station near him!
Eventually it got to a point I could no longer afford to do it, around the same time dd came across something that meant she learned this was the case (I'd foolishly, based on the "what's best for dd" bollocks often spouted here and elsewhere in regard to separated parents and contact, shielded her from knowing he was basically making sod all effort! I was even having to chase him to book HIS annual leave for when dd was visiting - he "forgot" on a few occasions meaning dd didn't see much of him and she was mainly in the care of her step mum and grandparents, which I don't object to per se but the point was HE wasn't spending time with her!)
This led to a discussion with dd in which she asked me, and given my finances I agreed, to let ex be the one to organise, pay for and do the travelling necessary to see her. Within a year he was no longer having ANY contact with her - he'd even blocked her!! I shit you not, blocked her on everything! Dick!
She continued to write to him (via the army as I knew his service number which means the army can ensure letters are forwarded to his correct work address) send him cards etc and he never replied.
I will NEVER forgive him for his utterly shite treatment of her.
So no, not all nrps deserve or should be facilitated to have contact with their children.
I've seen similar issues in a couple of families I know where the nrp was the mother too. So while yes it's not only men, most nrps are men and most deadbeat parents are men.
You know him op, you know how he's likely to be in the future and you know your kids and what is likely to actually be best for them.
Some kids will want to know every effort was made by both parents, some will recognise that there's only so much a rp can do and that they can't be expected to make up for the failings of the nrp.
I honestly just wish courts, social workers etc would understand and recognise that it's not always in the best interests of the child to be forced together with a parent who isn't interested in BEING a parent
I'd go to CMS and claim maintenance. If he is on benefits for not working it will be a minimal amount
I've just done a dummy calculation based on info op gave and result is? He doesn't have to pay anything! Which is fucking disgusting!
This country has a ridiculously tolerant attitude towards men who don't contribute to their children's lives in any meaningful way.
Totally agree!
The children are going to be "involved" whatever you do
If as a pp says he's neglectful even when they are with him, then tbh they're definitely better off without him in their lives
The advice to “go back to court”
Is generally from people who have not had experience with the system agreed. It's costly, stressful and time consuming (won't be costing him anything though! But will cost taxpayers - ie everyone else!) and in most cases makes fuck all difference cos the authorities do sod all when it comes to enforcement!
Op all you have to do legally is make the children AVAILABLE for contact, all that means is they're dressed and prepared and you're at the location he's supposed to collect from.
I had ALL this crap early on with my ex too, and was advised by lawyer to only wait for an hour or two and if he didn't show to go out and NOT be available - I WISH I had taken that advice
Maybe speak to your lawyer just to clarify, they will be very familiar not only with your case with the many cases like this. And TAKE THEIR ADVICE.
now they are older and he is able to have a relationship with them totally independent of me he doesn't bother his arse with them
Exactly mine and dds experience
It would not be nice for them to know that their dad can't be arsed coming to pick them up
I'm fairly confident the older 2 at least know exactly what a dead loss he is
Op Ignore all his goady nasty comments, mute on sm (don't block you still need access to check re any posts directly related to dc I would say, plus I don't think he would know you muted him but would notice blocking)
Stop letting him drag you down with him remember
Never fight with a pig, you both get dirty but the pig loves it!