My exH refusing to collect children

[mrshectic]

So I will try to keep this short.

Since I moved 7 miles away to a nicer village with more space for my children (they now have their own bedroom as opposed to being squashed in together), my ex is refusing to collect them for his time with them. He doesn't own a car, but he has always used his Mums car to pick them up from the school on his time. She also does his shopping for him at least once a week and he looks after her dog regularly to do so.

He says that because I moved, it's my responsibility to get the children to him and collect them afterwards. Now I have done because it's not fair on the kids that they miss time with him. But I simply cannot keep being expected to spend time and money doing ALL of the carting around using petrol money for him to sit at home doing nothing.

I work, and try hard to homeschool our 3 kids, which he does not help with, even though he doesn't work.

AIBU? Should I suck it up and take them because he tells me he's telling the children it's my fault they won't have time with him?

Fwiw, I have asked why he suddenly won't use his Mums car as he has a support bubble with her, but he simply says it's my responsibility.

Can people let go of the bus/7 miles/length of time debate. OP has said it takes 15 minutes by bus.

Any father worth his salt would walk/crawl/fly to see their kids. Agree with PP, the bar in this country is low for fathers.

Here we have a father who won't get a job so he can pay maintenance, won't help with home schooling while his ex works to feed his kids and won't rent or borrow a car/take a taxi/take a bus to see his children every second weekend which is fuck all IMO. And yet here we have people on this thread defending him. Jesus wept.

I x posted with some sensible people. Thank God for that!

[quote mainsfed]@Bibidy

Her ex is being a dick, no arguments there, but it's the children that suffer if OP decides not to drop them anymore.

Why model such passive behaviour to DC?

He refuses to pick up his own children, he doesn’t sound like a great after anyway.[/quote]
I don't think it's passive to try to do the right thing by your children, even if their other parent is being shit.

In OP's shoes I would be pissed off, 100%. But equally I wouldn't want my kids caught in the middle of a row over a 15 minute drive. I would just do it myself.

The children don't care who drives but it's them who will suffer when they feel like they don't have a relationship with their dad anymore or that he doesn't love them. Plus at their ages they could probably get the bus back and forth themselves, if not now then soon, so it's a short-term concession from OP so that no blame can be cast on her if their dad starts trying to twist it to the children as to why he doesn't see them anymore.

Again, not justifying this dad being so stubborn and ridiculous over this tiny distance, but I would do the same as OP if I were in her shoes.

@Lucked

Thinking about it I would drop them off and let him get them back to you. One trip each.

That’s the wrong way round to do it because he can just point blank refuse to return them and the OP would have to drive and collect. He needs to collect from the OP’s home if it were to be 50/50.

No wonder you divorced him! He seriously can’t be bothered to travel 7 miles to see his own children? I’d crawl 7 miles for mine!

What's the bus timetable like though? If he comes by bus, how long would he need to wait for the next one to get back? In some areas, that could be an hour

When you say he has access to a car, how easy is that in practice? Assuming his mother doesn't live next door, presumably he would have to travel to her house to get it and presumably sometimes she wants to use it herself.

I can see that with the whole picture- no help, no maintaince, it's frustrating but I don't think this is the bit that would be pissing me off

He can collect them from yours and you can collect them from his. It isn't fair that you should be doing all the ferrying. If he wants to be a responsible parent, he needs to start being responsible! This means paying for them, arranging travel & sharing homeschooling duties.

"AIBU? Should I suck it up and take them because he tells me he's telling the children it's my fault they won't have time with him?"

"Ds 12 and 14 and dd who is 7."

"Anyway, regardless of all the sad behaviour and him constantly putting me down and telling the children he can’t see them because of me...I will still have to if they aren’t to be caught in the crossfire. It’s just a very sad state of affairs that I can do nothing about if I don’t want the children to be involved in it."

Do your children actually want to see him? He sounds pretty disengaged from them, and I think it's entirely possible that they sense that. But because you put so much effort into facilitating his contact, they are probably also picking up - from you - that they should see him, otherwise why would mum put so much effort into making it happen and dad doesn't? They may feel obliged to see him, rather than want to. Obliged to you.

And frankly, they are already caught in the crossfire; it's just the firing is all coming from one side, his. Their father tells them it's your fault he can't (won't, in reality) see them but they can see with their own eyes the efforts you put in to making contact happen. So what does that leave them with, but the sense that actually he doesn't want to see them? A fact that they are reminded of every time he tells them it's your fault not his . Children pick these things up.

Your 14 year old is old enough to have an opinion on this. I would gently sound him out on the matter, then maybe the 14 and 12 year old. I've read MNers whose childhood was just like this, and as adults they resented it enormously. Not just being exposed to an uncaring parent but also how they couldn't get involved in hobbies the way they wanted to because the uncaring parent wouldn't take them etc.

What a waste of space your ex is!

I would facilitate the weekends, but drop the Mondays, if it's inconvenient to you. TBH, he sounds like a remote parent - the type to happily post on Facebook about his kids who are the "light of his life", but refuse to do any actual parenting.

On the plus side, as your kids get older, they will either want to do their own thing or facilitate the relationship on their own terms (I am thinking of the 14-year old, now).

So, ignore your dickish ex. Do what is best for you and the kids with the least aggro and look forward to the day it will no longer matter.

@Seapoint2002

You should either alternate so you deliver children to his house and he brings them back to your house. OR meet half way between the 2 houses.

Why should she?

he is not working and making my life miserable
His raison d'etre is making your life miserable he doesn't care who else gets hurt in the crossfire, you should not be nurturing a relationship with a man this poisonous

My exh tried to do this because I was the one that moved 5 miles away. I moved because he refused to move from the family home and he was abusive! Anyway I done it a couple of times and then he thought it was just expected of me to deliver them to his doorstep. So I stopped. Needless to say he doesn’t bother much with them.

You have a court order which is intended to prevent this further micromanaging control.
Do not engage with him - just refer to the order.

@Ermidunno

It doesn’t say anywhere he doesn’t work. It says he’s sat on arse doing nothing for the 10 minutes OP is driving the kids. Why should he be out of pocket. Around here a 6 mile bus ride would be £4 for an adult, no idea the cost for 2 kids. Why should he be so out of pocket because you moved?

It says in the OP: I work, and try hard to homeschool our 3 kids, which he does not help with, even though he doesn't work

I had missed that the older one is 14. Can't they just get the bus on their own?

Having read all your updates it’s clear that this man has and is still failing his children in every way.

Refusing to help them homeschool is disgusting. Paying no maintenance and failing to do something, anything, to change that is reprehensible. Now this.

It would be different if he did everything he could to support his children but as things stand I would be inclined to make the children available for court ordered contact and then let him collect or not.

Do the children want to see him? Do they enjoy spending time with him? Could his sister collect them and he see them at her house?

So who can you contact to let them know he is not adhering to the court order? I think fair would be he collects then you pick up a journey each sounds reasonable. For the record i know someone who does 100+m plus to pick up his daughter for a few days then does another 100m+ to take her home! Your kids father is being a dick for the sake of it

@BigPaperBag if he doesn't return them he will get the joy of having his children for a few more days while the OP car is being repaired....

Though I suspect his mum or sister would be roped in to return the children to the OP in the middle of the night as he is a lazy git.

I’m sure this will be an unpopular opinion. Irrespective of who moved, if he generally treats parenting as optional, then he should not expect you to go out of your way to drop off and pick up to make his life more convenient.

@SpaceRaiders

I’m sure this will be an unpopular opinion. Irrespective of who moved, if he generally treats parenting as optional, then he should not expect you to go out of your way to drop off and pick up to make his life more convenient.

Have you actually bothered to read even one response?!

Cannot roll my eyes hard enough at the “won’t someone think of the children wah wah wah” posts.

OP literally wanted to report this man for neglect.

Thinking of the children would be not driving them over there for weekends of neglect. Unless that’s magically all better now.

@OhCaptain

Cannot roll my eyes hard enough at the “won’t someone think of the children wah wah wah” posts.

OP literally wanted to report this man for neglect.

Thinking of the children would be not driving them over there for weekends of neglect. Unless that’s magically all better now.

Exactly

7 miles is not far, at all. Think I would drop off and ask him to bring them back. If he refuses, then I would keep them. He cant be that bothered about them.

I’d be rejoicing if I were the OP.

Look, OP. I’m a single parent. I get it.

You want a break, yes? Fair enough

@Beautiful3

7 miles is not far, at all. Think I would drop off and ask him to bring them back. If he refuses, then I would keep them. He cant be that bothered about them.

Definitely other way around I’d be so worried he wouldn’t be bothered to bring them home.