My exH refusing to collect children

[mrshectic]

So I will try to keep this short.

Since I moved 7 miles away to a nicer village with more space for my children (they now have their own bedroom as opposed to being squashed in together), my ex is refusing to collect them for his time with them. He doesn't own a car, but he has always used his Mums car to pick them up from the school on his time. She also does his shopping for him at least once a week and he looks after her dog regularly to do so.

He says that because I moved, it's my responsibility to get the children to him and collect them afterwards. Now I have done because it's not fair on the kids that they miss time with him. But I simply cannot keep being expected to spend time and money doing ALL of the carting around using petrol money for him to sit at home doing nothing.

I work, and try hard to homeschool our 3 kids, which he does not help with, even though he doesn't work.

AIBU? Should I suck it up and take them because he tells me he's telling the children it's my fault they won't have time with him?

Fwiw, I have asked why he suddenly won't use his Mums car as he has a support bubble with her, but he simply says it's my responsibility.

@mrshectic

I have stuck to my guns and said no. He’s now trying to move the weekends around for when they are back at school. He has also said I’m a narcissist and guilty of parent alienation by not doing both trips. And has just put up a social media post about how people need to stop being controlling .

I honestly give up!

Well that's pure projection on his part, given that he is still trying to control you eight years after you left! He also sounds like a narcissist from your posts, and by constantly telling your children that everything is your fault, that could be regarded as attempted parental alienation on his part, so again, projection, projection.

I might even be tempted to respond to his social media post with that one word (not really, I wouldn't dignify his crap by even acknowledging it. But it's lovely to fantasise his head exploding with narcissistic controlling rage.).

You know he's lying. Probably everyone on social media knows he's lying; and those that don't , who cares what they think?

And maybe 'giving up' is the right thing to do here. Give up picking up his slack. Give up accepting his constant you-will-never-be-out-of-my-control punishments. Give up listening to his whining. Just decide what is the right thing for you and your children, do it, and ignore him completely.

@mrshectic block him on social media for your own piece of mind.

Unfortunately, you can’t control what he posts - even though you’re so controlling.

What do you mean about swapping weekends around for when they’re at school?!

At 12 and 14, I’d give the DC the bus money, and tell them to make the arrangements with their DF themselves. Help them pack their overnight bags, and walk them to the bus stop and wait with them if you want to, but let them decide if they want to go there or not, and leave it for him to sort out timings. Things will peter out once you stop doing all the running.

I really am very grateful to you all... you have a lot of valid points and have made me feel a little relived that I’m not overreacting .

He says he will forget this weekend as I’m not willing to let them see him , and that he’ll just collect them from school when they return next Friday and make that his weekend. I know he’ll pick them up in the bloody car too!

Everything RandomMess & Chewingle have said. I don't understand why you'd put yourself out to facilitate contact when you have concerns about their care with him.

Now you've told him that OP stand firm, swap the weekends - but he has to collect. Bear in mind that you'll probably be collecting, as you want to know they are coming back.

And Graphista's line about fighting with pigs! Love it.

What do your children want?

@mrshectic

I really am very grateful to you all... you have a lot of valid points and have made me feel a little relived that I’m not overreacting .

He says he will forget this weekend as I’m not willing to let them see him , and that he’ll just collect them from school when they return next Friday and make that his weekend. I know he’ll pick them up in the bloody car too!

Fair enough!

Let him, if you don’t have neglect concerns anymore.

And I’d be getting CMS from him! Is it like £5 a week if he’s on benefits? I’d be taking it regardless of what it is. He has to contribute to his children’s upkeep.

It's 7 miles he's being a dick.

I don’t get any cms, because he has them every other weekend it reduces the £7 to £0 according to the CMS agency. What a sad country this is.

@mrshectic

I don’t get any cms, because he has them every other weekend it reduces the £7 to £0 according to the CMS agency. What a sad country this is.

That’s disgraceful.

Normally I’d say if you moved away, then you need to pick up the slack. However, as children grow older then it’s nice they have a room of their own- why did you move where you did? Was it just a case of getting more space or something else?
I think it would be nice for a committed dad to think, well yes, it’s good for the kids to have their own rooms - I can deal with the extra mileage.
Also, you are juggling work and kids. He isn’t. So, for at least for the time being he should do his bit by collecting for contact. 7 miles - what? 15 min drive? At the very minimum, you could split - one of you takes one way, the other, the other way.

I'f you'd moved 100 miles fair enough, but no, he's a dick

7 miles is nothing, he’s being an arse.
Hours drive or over is different, 7 miles is 20 minutes

There's a post running here at the moment where dad moved 184 miles away and new wife is complaining that he travels once every 6 weeks to see them and how much she's going to struggle for the few hours he's going to take picking them up for contact.

Not quite.
That's been massively and conveniently decontextualised hasn't it.
The thread is about her concerns about managing in the immediate postnatal period after the birth of her baby, as you well know.

My partners ex moved 70 miles away from us and expected my OH collect and return their DD.
He did this for 2/3 years but then slowly started getting her to meet him. Started off with her driving around 5 miles away from her house and OH driving the rest. Slowly but surely she would drive further to meet OH with DSD. You moved away but I think that collection and return is 50/50 on the parents part. Although OH’s ex only really brings her halfway now because she can wait to be rid of her

You moved but he's just being pathetic. Stop doing it OP.

Did the court order predate your move? If so he can reasonably argue that it has been superseded by the move. I suspect if it went back to court the judge would tell him to stop being a pratt, but that would be expensive.

But, seriously, start claiming maintenance.

I haven't RTFT but I agree that 7 miles is nothing for him to get worked up about. I moved 130 miles from my DD's Dad (career progression reasons, with his full blessing and support), and he's met me halfway with the travel for the best part of the past 10 years. It's 2.5 hours round trip for us both to the half way point. He does it because he wants to see his DD, and support her mum. But we've been on alright terms for most of our separation, so sounds like a different situation to yours OP.

Personally, pick your battles and both need to act like adults. Why don't you offer to do one journey and he do the other? So you drop off and he drops off etc?

I will still have to if they aren’t to be caught in the crossfire. It’s just a very sad state of affairs that I can do nothing about if I don’t want the children to be involved in it

No you don't. You also don't need to keep defending him to the DC, they're at an age now that they should be told the truth about him(age appropiate of course). I got to the stage where I just couldn't defend my ex to the kids any more or soften the blows for them.

He then decided to not see them anymore(because I left it up to him to facilitate it and make the effort) and you know what? It's been absolutely bliss not having to deal with him any more or dry DCs tears, they're absolutely fine without him, they don't miss him because he did fuck all for them anyway, same as your ex.

7 miles is hardly the ends of the earth. Did you live next door to each other before?

Why are you busting your arse for your kids to spend time with a loser who just wants to hurt their mum?

He isn't a good role model. He is criticising you and I would risk going back to court unless the kids are desperate to spend time with him.

The children don't care who drives but it's them who will suffer when they feel like they don't have a relationship with their dad anymore or that he doesn't love them

I'm sorry but I just can't agree with this. You are suggesting that OP should allow herself to be bullied and dictated to by her ex just to save the ex making any effort or do any parenting. If the DC don't have a relationship with their father, that's on him and him alone. OP would show a better example to show them she won't be bullied by him and explain it's his CHOICE to not pick them up.

@Graphista I couldn’t agree more with your post!!!

We have a similar situation although he’s not forces. Granted ex will spend time with dc but only when it suits him, in a fun uncle type figure, anything that vaguely benefits dc you can be sure won’t be done, parents evenings, award ceremonies, plays etc.

I bent over backwards sticking to every detail on the court order to facilitate contact, it meant I couldn’t work alternate Fridays afternoons as I had to drive dc to him 30 miles into the city to him. I was spending 3.30-9 pm in the car whilst he couldn’t even bother paying CM. And when he did, what he paid barely covered my fuel! It was crippling both in time that I was loosing not working and the costs to do so.

He’s a high earner, gaming the system currently “unemployed”. I cover all the dc needs, school fees, tutoring, extra curricular etc. He couldn’t even buy dc a pair of bloody school shoes! In the end, I told him dc will always be available should you wish to see them, but it won’t be at my time and expense. I agree, the impact of lack of engagement by NRP is so damaging to children but family courts don’t see it that way.

Op parental alienation seems to be bandied about the moment you stand your ground, ignore it!

7 miles is nothing. He really should pick up the dc himself.

Gosh, I have a friend who moved 250 miles away for work
He keeps an apartment here, and comes down every two weeks (pre covid) for time with his children (after school Friday - drop off Monday)

This “father” fighting over 7 miles is ridiculous