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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be put off dating a man who doesn’t drive

759 replies

TrunkintheJunk · 03/03/2021 18:46

Recently started online dating. Been talking to someone who seems really nice. We’re arranging to go for a walk somewhere next week.
Thing is, he doesn’t drive. He’s 39 but just ‘never got around to learning’.
Am I a dick for being put off by this??

OP posts:
ddl1 · 03/03/2021 19:51

I had a son with a visual impairment that means he will probably never be able to drive and now I worry that he might also be harshly judged for lacking such a basic adult skill.

Yes. I can't drive because of subtle, but in this case crucial, visual difficulties; and I get quite upset by some of the anti-non-driver comments for that reason.

Suzi888 · 03/03/2021 19:51

My friend’s DH can’t drive, he’s learning now (well was before lockdown not sure what’s happening right now). My friend doesn’t drink so she’s not bothered either way.
Aren’t you jumping the gun a bit? You haven’t met him yet, may not even like each other! Confused

Gwegowygwiggs · 03/03/2021 19:52

Yeah that's an absolute no from me. It's just off putting, if you go anywhere together, days out etc - you have to drive?? No thank you. Or what, he gets the bus to your house at 40 years old? Call me shallow if you like but that's a huge turnoff. Also signifies laziness as he doesn't have a legitimate reason not to, another turnoff.

NovemberR · 03/03/2021 19:54

@TrunkintheJunk

I’m pretty sure he’d get a taxi. We live about 20mins away from eachother. Both quite rural. Neither of us near to a train station and I’ve no idea about buses. Think he’d have to get 2!
Yep. It would put me off (but not quite as much as living with a family member would).

I'm rural too - and it's just not possible to do day-to-day living without transport. I'd not want to be involved with a partner who couldn't drive. As a pp said - as functioning adults you constantly need some form of transport and it puts the entire burden on you.

Also, as someone who grew up very rural, it leaves you helpless to be without transport. I don't want a partner who is helpless.

KatnissNeverseen · 03/03/2021 19:55

I have been driving for a long time and I don't understand why anyone would not want to learn to drive as soon as they can. I made sure both my children could drive asap so I didn't have to keep driving them everywhere.

Gwegowygwiggs · 03/03/2021 19:56

@ddl1

I had a son with a visual impairment that means he will probably never be able to drive and now I worry that he might also be harshly judged for lacking such a basic adult skill.

Yes. I can't drive because of subtle, but in this case crucial, visual difficulties; and I get quite upset by some of the anti-non-driver comments for that reason.

This is a completely different situation! Nobody is saying that people with visual impairments / epilepsy etc or a medical reason why they physically cannot drive, should drive anyway or risk being ridiculed. It's clearly totally different when a 39 year old man with absolutely no reason not to drive, just chooses not to.
sunflowersandbuttercups · 03/03/2021 19:57

Yes, I would be put off.

Not being able to drive for medical reasons is different, but we live very rurally and there's pretty much no public transport here, and I wouldn't want to be in a couple where I was the only driver (by choice).

SundayTeatime · 03/03/2021 19:59

My DC can’t drive either.. There is no need in London, and lessons and insurance and a car, which we don’t have, all cost a bomb. An unnecessary expense. We never had to drive them around when they were young. They can learn later if they want to.

bungaloid · 03/03/2021 19:59

Once you get married you can teach him to drive.

wiltingflower · 03/03/2021 20:00

I don't think you're being weird, you want an adult who is self sufficient, able to meet their needs and could support you (and vice versa) transport wise as needed. You're looking for an equal, maintain your standards and don't lower them.

I'd be put off unless there was a medical reason or similar but even then I wouldn't think our lifestyles were compatible.

Sparklingbrook · 03/03/2021 20:02

Both my DC learned ASAP at 17. It was for their future. They don’t know where they’ll be living or what they’ll be doing as they go through life, so it’s there should they need it.
As it happened DS got a job at a place completely inaccessible by public transport and now happily commutes by car.

23PissOffAvenueWF · 03/03/2021 20:06

Yes, it would very much put me off. The only adult I know who doesn’t drive is my DB’s partner who grew up in London and never really needed to.

However, they’re now moving here, and he’s learning to drive.

So now, literally every adult I know is, or soon will be, a driver.

It’s a basic life skill, and ferrying a man around who’s never learnt would be deal-breaker territory for me.

Even DH who spent his teens years on, in London learnt at the earliest opportunity.

Everydaydragon · 03/03/2021 20:06

I wouldn't date a non driver. I live rurally with not much in the way of public transport after 6pm and wouldnt want to always be the driver

3CCC · 03/03/2021 20:06

I'd be out off where I currently live in the country and because public transport is shit.

But if I lived in London or another city with v good transport links it wouldn't be as much of an issue if any

Flowerlane · 03/03/2021 20:06

I once finished with a guy because he didn’t drive. I felt bad but honestly having to drive to him all the time got annoying. If he came over he would have to leave at a certain time for transport etc as taxis were too expensive and he preferred the bus.
He had no intention of driving ever! He said he didn’t mind buses so there was no point. If we had settled and had a family it would have been me running around with the kids to school and clubs etc.

It’s totally different if you are unable to drive for medical reasons. I would never have finished it if he could not drive for medical reasons.

B33Fr33 · 03/03/2021 20:09

I know several people who don't and have never been drivers, all in their late 40's to 50's.

Most of them are entirely independent at getting themselves anywhere. And it has never been an issue. One of them, however, was furious that I moved somewhere more than a ten minute walk from a train station and once asked me to make my journey take less than an hour as they were bored. This would have meant breaking the speed limit for most of the journey. We aren't friends now Grin
I guess it depends on how they are about getting around!

Taetoes · 03/03/2021 20:10

YANBU You'll end up doing all the running around and end up resenting it.

SimonJT · 03/03/2021 20:12

@ddl1

I had a son with a visual impairment that means he will probably never be able to drive and now I worry that he might also be harshly judged for lacking such a basic adult skill.

Yes. I can't drive because of subtle, but in this case crucial, visual difficulties; and I get quite upset by some of the anti-non-driver comments for that reason.

On a previous thread I was told my partner would never be independent and would live a life that was extremely limited and he would never be able to explore outside of his local area because he can’t drive.

That poster was clearly correct as my partners minor achievements to date are moving to a different country on his own, travelling abroad extensively including cycling tours of multiple countries, gaining very good professional qualifications that gained him a good well paying job and owning a home, all by the age of 27.

Windchangeface · 03/03/2021 20:14

In your situation YANBU at all to be put off.
Can’t drive, doesn’t have a home and is almost 40 doesn’t scream ‘I’ve got my life together’ I’d worry he’s either a huge project or someone you’ll end up mothering. You already have DC, It would be a hard pass from me.

However if you were child free and living in an urban area with great transport links then not being able to drive wouldn’t be a deal breaker for me. Not having his own place (even a rented house share) probably still would though.

Sacredspace · 03/03/2021 20:16

In my experience it’s a lot of hassle being the only driver in a relationship. Also, when a man can’t drive and doesn’t have his own place and is also, (as is commonly the case), between jobs, it can (not always of course) signal deeper issues. Statistically it’s the woman bearing so much of the load anyway, why be the one to drive, provide the home, perhaps be the main breadwinner as well as everything else? Just my experience, I’m guessing you would like to meet someone who can enhance your life? What will he bring to the table?

Allgirlskidsanddogs · 03/03/2021 20:16

It all depends on where you both live.

A partner that doesn’t drive wouldn’t bother me if he lived somewhere with great public transport. But if either of you live rurally or elsewhere with poor or no public transport, or if he expected to use you like a taxi, yes it would be a deal breaker.

I live rurally, it would be a non starter for logistical reasons for me.

Kazzyhoward · 03/03/2021 20:16

Yep, I ditched on of my first boyfriends because he didn't drive. It was a pain in the arse having to do all the driving and he never offered to contribute for petrol, parking, etc. But then again, he was lazy and a "taker" in other aspects too!

I suppose if you live in a city, have good public transport and lots of nearby amenities, it's not much of an issue. But if you live in a town or village where a car is pretty much essential, then you really need to be able to drive and I'd be questioning why someone didn't.

Youarenothere · 03/03/2021 20:17

No I couldn’t handle a non driver. DP can drive but won’t in big cities, we live in London. It does piss me off. It’s not just that I have to drive everywhere, it’s that I do all the car organising aswell (petrol, oil, tyres, servicing, fixing, tax MOT breakdown cover, etc), aswell as figuring out out routes parking. DP will drive on holidays though and to very local places he knows, a complete non driver...no way.

DippingToes · 03/03/2021 20:18

It would put me off, too. It would indicate a lack of ambition for me - I could wait to learn to drive as soon I was 17. What's he been doing with his time?

partyatthepalace · 03/03/2021 20:18

It wouldn’t put me off dating, but for it become a relationship he would have to learn. I like weekends away in remote places.

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