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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be put off dating a man who doesn’t drive

759 replies

TrunkintheJunk · 03/03/2021 18:46

Recently started online dating. Been talking to someone who seems really nice. We’re arranging to go for a walk somewhere next week.
Thing is, he doesn’t drive. He’s 39 but just ‘never got around to learning’.
Am I a dick for being put off by this??

OP posts:
theliverpoolone · 03/03/2021 19:27

I know someone whose husband doesn't drive. It mildly annoyed her for years, started to annoy her a bit more when they had children and now the children are older and going to clubs etc it infuriates her.

It also means she is always the driver when they go out. She never gets to enjoy a glass of wine with friends but he quite merrily drinks away.

This was the same for me with ex-dp. It didnt bother me at first, as it was explained by him living all his adult life in London and using tubes or cycling. But it was frustrating when I was pregnant, then got more frustrating when it was only me who could take stuff to the tip, take dc out to places that weren't on public transport routes, drive to holidays etc. Now its just me, so I still have to do all this myself - but its somehow not quite as frustrating!

So - while it might not be an issue when dating, thinking long term, if he's not willing to learn it's likely to become an issue.

katy1213 · 03/03/2021 19:29

It's a bit emasculating, isn't it? But I'd more put off that at 39 he doesn't have a home of his own.
Sounds like you'll be the answer to his prayers!

Callixte · 03/03/2021 19:29

There was a huge thread on this a few weeks ago, with some very odd generalisations and assumptions (I'd say borderline accusations) about both drivers and non-drivers, so apparently it's a polarising topic!

My H can't drive (medical reasons, but it's an "invisible disability") and it never occurred to me to mind. (And thank goodness it didn't!) But he has received some very strange/rude comments, mostly when we lived in the USA. We don't have or need a car now, and I prefer not to have one. We do rent one occasionally on holiday (his parents live on Skye and it's a bear at night or on holidays if you have to take the bus or bike or taxi there, although he does it when he goes alone) and of course I drive in that case which is fine - there are other things he's better at.

This comment is downright odd to me: I think it shows a lack of independence, organisation and responsibility. I've found it takes a lot more of these qualities to get around without a car on a habitual basis in a lot of places I've lived or visited. Plus you miss out on so much life cruising around in your own private little cannister! Someone else could just as easily say that driving/owning a car when you don't need to is lazy, selfish, and myopic.

All of that said, it's your subjective decision. If you live or plan to live in a rural place with a bunch of children, you might absolutely rely on a car and it could be annoying if you're the only one in the household who can operate it, especially if you don't really enjoy driving. So, YANBU if you feel it's a dealbreaker for you, but YABU to the idea it's some universal or even usual dealbreaker.

sanityisamyth · 03/03/2021 19:30

ExH didn't drive and was a nightmare. He wanted me to drive him everywhere, including waking me up at 2/3am to pick him up from his mates house when he was drunk. Never again.

Nesski · 03/03/2021 19:30

YANBU, like PP said, he's a manchild. I once dated a man when we were both 23 and he still lived at home and had no intention of moving out. Dumped his ass. Incompatible

blackheartsgirl · 03/03/2021 19:32

No one is saying that being unable to drive for medical reasons is unreasonable but when you have a man like my ex who really was a man child in many ways not just because he couldn't drive who expected me to drive everywhere and saw no need to learn because in his words why should I bother when you can do it all then thats a character flaw.

Its called lazy arse itis and its afflicts both men and women.

If you both can't drive then thats also OK because you are both even

Gadzookery · 03/03/2021 19:34

turn off for me too. Once dated a guy who hadn't learned to drive. he was late forties. Couldn't get over it....and was a red flag. Lovely guy in lots of ways...but not for me.

Georgyporky · 03/03/2021 19:35

I'd be put off by not having his own place - sounds like a loser.

As others have said, living in a city with good public transport & not driving is OK, but not otherwise.

Purplecatshopaholic · 03/03/2021 19:38

I drive. My bf doesn’t. It’s a total pain...

user88899 · 03/03/2021 19:39

That would be a total turn off for me. And a pain in the arse.

TrunkintheJunk · 03/03/2021 19:40

He’s been single 5 months. I definitely wouldn’t be moving anyone in to my house as I have DC. He’d always be round at my house. I think it might be a no from me

OP posts:
Itsjustaride8w737 · 03/03/2021 19:40

I would be put off and i don't drive (yet, covid and pregnancy has stopped me in my tracks)

I am aware i sound like a hypocrite!

Ginevere · 03/03/2021 19:41

I’m the same OP. My DH didn’t drive when we got together, I gave him my driving instructors number 🙈

He passed but then didn’t get a car for years, I found that to be a bit of an irritant so eventually I bought him a cheap second hand car for his birthday. That worked and got him out on the road. He’s still not confident, and I do the bulk of the driving, but that’s fine, at least he can. I wouldn’t want to be with a non driver. I grew up in a household with a non driving mother and it was a huge pain!

Atrixie · 03/03/2021 19:42

I wouldn’t go out with him, my DP was car- less for a month between cars and that was enough of. Pain

jillandhersprite · 03/03/2021 19:43

@speakout

As functioning adults unless we walk everywhere we need transport. If you live in a city and can walk everywhere and have good public transport links to work then not so much need for a car youself. If you are a couple with no kids and live near school/ work, again not so much need, but then food becomes heavy, so you perhaps have to rely on deliveries or shop often/use taxis. My ex prided himself on not being able to drive-we lived in the city, and he cycled to work. But as a car owner and driver it really pissed me off.

Trip to a restaurant for an evening meal- me to drive
Sick dog to the vet- me to drive.
Bulky groceries- me to drive.
Lifts for friends- me to drive.
Small items of furniture, Ikea type stuff- me to drive.
Need to get somewhere quickly or an emergency- me to drive.
UK holiday- me to drive.
Nip down for a takeaway- me to drive.

Ex for a good reason.

This - in spades...
BareGrylls · 03/03/2021 19:43

To me it's akin to not being able to tie your own shoelaces.

TheLumpySofaCushion · 03/03/2021 19:43

It would depend on the reason for me, OP.

Medical reason (eg, vision, epilepsy ) - understandable.

Medical reason (eg, anxiety) - off putting to me In a new relationship but would live with it in an existing one.

Circumstance: city dweller, never learned - maybe if we still lived in City

General never learned but could have : red flag to other non-dynamic behaviours

Rainbows2021 · 03/03/2021 19:44

Really would be off putting for me. Maybe if he lived in a city centre and for that reason just doesn't drive (but can) wouldn't bother me.

GabsAlot · 03/03/2021 19:45

wouldnt bother me couldnt drive when i met dh-i took a test he never wanted to

i drive him once a month to work thats it-hes quite happy to use transport

BrownEyedGirl80 · 03/03/2021 19:45

I was a bit put off when started dating dh and he didn't drive.I didn't have a leg to stand on though because neither did I.He passed his test 6 years ago,2 years into the relationship and I'm learning now too.

TrunkintheJunk · 03/03/2021 19:49

I’m pretty sure he’d get a taxi. We live about 20mins away from eachother. Both quite rural. Neither of us near to a train station and I’ve no idea about buses. Think he’d have to get 2!

OP posts:
JamMakingWannaBe · 03/03/2021 19:49

My OH doesn't drive. I told him I am not a taxi driver. If he wants to go anywhere without me, he can take a taxi. If he wants to drink on a night out, we both take a taxi. I feel sorry for him as I can take DD (and her friends / the bikes) to places that are not on a bus route. He can't.

SundayTeatime · 03/03/2021 19:49

It depends where you live. I’m in London and many people I know don’t drive. Neither DH or I do.

DianaT1969 · 03/03/2021 19:50

How does he normally get around to friends and work if he lives rurally?

MyLittleOrangutan · 03/03/2021 19:51

It would put me off. I find it so frustrating when we have DHs work van, I'm not insured so cant drive it. It's so restrictive only one person being able to drive, I couldn't sign up to be the designated driver for the rest of my life

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