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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be put off dating a man who doesn’t drive

759 replies

TrunkintheJunk · 03/03/2021 18:46

Recently started online dating. Been talking to someone who seems really nice. We’re arranging to go for a walk somewhere next week.
Thing is, he doesn’t drive. He’s 39 but just ‘never got around to learning’.
Am I a dick for being put off by this??

OP posts:
GreenlandTheMovie · 03/03/2021 19:05

I wouldn't get involved, because online dating at 39 and not able to drive is like some kind of internet dark triad that never equals a worthwhile relationship. I'd steer clear of anyone who wasn't mainstream in a way that makes them drop out of society in certain ways. He's going to be really limited in terms of what jobs he can take, what job interviews he can go to, what he can do on holiday, etc for one thing.

Unless he's very good looking. Good looking gets a pass for a lot of things in my book.

4Mongrels · 03/03/2021 19:07

I know someone whose husband doesn't drive. It mildly annoyed her for years, started to annoy her a bit more when they had children and now the children are older and going to clubs etc it infuriates her.

It also means she is always the driver when they go out. She never gets to enjoy a glass of wine with friends but he quite merrily drinks away.

He doesn't want to learn & she obviously can't make him.

Sparklingbrook · 03/03/2021 19:07

Unless he's very good looking. Good looking gets a pass for a lot of things in my book

Grin If he has other talents too?

blackheartsgirl · 03/03/2021 19:07

Yes and I drive.

My ex refused to learn, I carted him everywhere as our buses can be a bit crap. It dragged me down so much and put pressure on me

My dp now said the same about his exes..he got sick of being the only driver

Bourbonic · 03/03/2021 19:07

Not that I'm dating or likely to be. But I would never consider anybody who doesn't drive.

24butfeeling80 · 03/03/2021 19:08

Probably. But depends on circumstances. In the city with not a lot of need to drive? Then fine.

But I love rurally and have to drive to get absolutely anywhere, so I’d hate to be lugging a man around once he gets comfortable enough to ask for lifts all the time. No thanks.

Number3BigCupOfTea · 03/03/2021 19:09

I don't drive and my last bf didn't drive. It's not some sort of handicap. We both had sensible reasons for the choices we made. I feel some people make themselves broke unnecessarily just to be ''normal'' and drive. Think for yourself! He obviously does.

NotAgainNoMore · 03/03/2021 19:09

Complete turn off. When he said he 'never got round to learning' did you ask why not? A lot would depend on the answer. But to be honest, unless he was hiding a medical condition, I wouldn't be interested.
A car is freedom, practical, essential in some circumstances.

Witchcraftandhokum · 03/03/2021 19:09

I've said it before on here and I'll say it again. I've been the only driver in a relationship and. I will never put myself in that position again.

MondeoFan · 03/03/2021 19:09

I mean this is truly awful in my book. I drive and I'd hate to be driving everywhere we go. Personally I wouldn't even consider it

DrSbaitso · 03/03/2021 19:10

Women like men who are capable. It's possible that a man of 39 who can't drive is still very capable in many other regards but it certainly doesn't feel that way.

flakymate · 03/03/2021 19:11

@ViciousJackdaw

Knowing how to drive is a sign of having shared interests - same mindset, same life goals etc

It's not though, is it? For goodness sake, people like Jeremy Clarkson drive cars.

It is though. I took the effort to learn how to drive and enjoy the reciprocal trait in a partner. It shows the same level as ambition that I have and the same desire for life progression. It’s like meeting a new date that also wants to buy a house soon or have children soon or move to your favourite area soon etc - someone on your wavelength with the same life goals and mindset.
Number3BigCupOfTea · 03/03/2021 19:12

@TrunkintheJunk

He doesn’t have his own place either. He’s been living with a family member since his last relationship ended Yes I do drive and the thought of paying petrol, driving everywhere, having to probably pick him up, isn’t really doing it for me. I feel so shallow! Plus, it’s a big turn on for me when a guy is driving(yup, I’m a weirdo!)
That is funny. I had an ex who used to consider driving around a date. I used to think what are we doing here. But he thought it was a thing.
SunshiningBetty · 03/03/2021 19:12

Absolute turn off. Every man I’ve ever dated who couldn’t drive turned out to be either a wuss, a mummy’s boy or a man child, certainly not an equal partner in life. I should get rid now.

Brokenrecord3006 · 03/03/2021 19:13

My DH doesn't drive but I was absolutely head over heels for him when we met (I still am) so not driving didn't matter. It is tricky though as all the driving falls to me, even small things like me having to nip to the shop in the car if we need something.

I recently had to book a half day holiday from work as I had to drive him to and from a hospital appointment which grated on me. He is currently learning though and I think it's going to be life changing! So I'd say not being able to drive is a valid reason to call it off.

Tal45 · 03/03/2021 19:14

I don't drive. Fortunately I'm amazing in bed.

Polly111 · 03/03/2021 19:15

I think the combination of not being able to drive and not having his own place would make it a definite no for me.

I had an ex that couldn’t drive and although the public transport was fairly ok I always ended up driving. He only lived 10 mins away but it meant an extra 20mins on any journey which got really annoying after a while.

GladysTheGroovyMule · 03/03/2021 19:16

YABU and it’s a weird hang up to have but then I would say that as I don’t drive either.

SchrodingersImmigrant · 03/03/2021 19:18

It's really different for people who drive and who don't drive. If you have 2 non drivers, it's equal. It's not if only 1 is driving.

Lancrelady80 · 03/03/2021 19:19

Depends on location. Where I live, not bothering/ getting round to learning to drive = immature and heavily reliant on mummy/daddy/friends to take you about (non existent public transport.) In London or other places with plenty of other options, not necessarily an issue.

What I would say is that having been in a relationship where only I drove (supporting my immature comment) is that it does all fall on you and that can be ...frustrating.

2tired2bewitty · 03/03/2021 19:20

I would definitely have felt the same OP, but then I had a son with a visual impairment that means he will probably never be able to drive and now I worry that he might also be harshly judged for lacking such a basic adult skill.

That said, this chap sounds like a complete dud, and you’re entitled to choose who you do or don’t date for any reason that works for you.

ddl1 · 03/03/2021 19:22

If it's because it's practically important to you to have a partner who can drive you/ not need to be driven by you, then it's no more U than other things an individual might want from a partner.

If it's because you think that not being able to drive is some sort of character defect, then I think you are being very U.

NeverHadANickname · 03/03/2021 19:24

It would definitely put me off regardless of where I lived. I had an ex that didn't drive and as much as I love driving it wore very thin it having to be me every time.

Rainbowqueeen · 03/03/2021 19:25

How long has he been living with this family member? That would put me off far more than the non driving.
If it’s more than 6 months and he isn’t actively looking fir his own place I’d think he was expecting to move straight in with his next partner and cocklodge.

namechangetheworld · 03/03/2021 19:25

I would be put off, it's so unattractive.