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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be put off dating a man who doesn’t drive

759 replies

TrunkintheJunk · 03/03/2021 18:46

Recently started online dating. Been talking to someone who seems really nice. We’re arranging to go for a walk somewhere next week.
Thing is, he doesn’t drive. He’s 39 but just ‘never got around to learning’.
Am I a dick for being put off by this??

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 03/03/2021 20:19

He doesn’t have his own place either. He’s been living with a family member since his last relationship ended

Hard pass. I sense more red flags are on the horizon.

Dee2997 · 03/03/2021 20:20

I would be the same. I have always said that I couldn’t date a man that doesn’t drive. I’ve never been out with anyone who doesn’t - I have one ex who could drive but didn’t have a car but that wasn’t as bad as I knew he could! I drive myself so it’s not like that’s the issue. I just feel a man should be able if they can. It’s a big turn off for me. I think it’s because I live in an area where you do really need to drive to get about due to lack of public transport and I don’t know how anyone copes without driving.

amylou8 · 03/03/2021 20:22

My XH didn't (and still doesn't as far as I know) drive. I'm someone who finds driving a real chore, and the expectation to ferry him around everywhere, when he made no attempt to bother to learn himself, used to really pee me off. Yes it would put me off.

Spannwr1971 · 03/03/2021 20:23

I feel odd as my wife's passenger even. I've never vocalised it, but it is emasculating. Sitting with my knees up to my ears in her bloody Cinquecento. Sod that.

Sparklingbrook · 03/03/2021 20:27

@Spannwr1971

I feel odd as my wife's passenger even. I've never vocalised it, but it is emasculating. Sitting with my knees up to my ears in her bloody Cinquecento. Sod that.
Buy her a bigger car? Grin
rawalpindithelabrador · 03/03/2021 20:27

@TrunkintheJunk

He doesn’t have his own place either. He’s been living with a family member since his last relationship ended Yes I do drive and the thought of paying petrol, driving everywhere, having to probably pick him up, isn’t really doing it for me. I feel so shallow! Plus, it’s a big turn on for me when a guy is driving(yup, I’m a weirdo!)
FFS! Loser alert!

Raise your bar, why on Earth is it 'shallow' to have your own standards?

This guy's pathetic.

'Something's come up, can't do the walk this weekend. Sorry' and then just move on.

Or, be honest, 'Don't think we want the same things out of life at present so I'm going to have to pass on the walk. Best of luck!'

This guy's looking for his next crash pad, taxi and meal ticket with knob polishing services thrown in.

CuriousSeal · 03/03/2021 20:28

I would have dated someone that couldn't drive but was willing to in the future in my late teens/early twenties. I'm married with a 4mo DS now and it would be a pain if DH couldn't drive.

SmallPrawnEnergy · 03/03/2021 20:28

Some people have never been privileged enough to have the money to pay for driving lessons never mind a car. It’s really not surprising to see poverty as a turn off, and how many women would write off a man just for not driving. But then the same women will complain that there are no nice men out there Grin

flakymate · 03/03/2021 20:32

@SmallPrawnEnergy

Some people have never been privileged enough to have the money to pay for driving lessons never mind a car. It’s really not surprising to see poverty as a turn off, and how many women would write off a man just for not driving. But then the same women will complain that there are no nice men out there Grin
Where are you getting poverty from? I learned to drive at 19 with a part time job whilst at uni full time. I had no parental financial support and my student loan didn’t even cover my rent, so I was broke too. You don’t need to be wealthy to learn how to drive by the time you reach 40.
honeylulu · 03/03/2021 20:33

There's nothing "wrong" with it but it seems a bit ineffectual I suppose unless there's a good reason for it (epilepsy etc). Didn't get around to driving ... didn't get around to leaving home. Ok if you like someone very chilled. I prefer a bit of get up and go.

Hydrate · 03/03/2021 20:34

Yes it would be definitely on the con list along with not working and not having his own place to live, unless there is a pandemic related reason to live with other people. How does he get to work and to doctor appointments Etc? Do you know for a fact he did not lose his license for driving while impaired or some other serious driving offense? Perhaps he has a medical condition he does not feel he knows you well enough to disclose yet. You should use this first date to get all these questions answered. If he's a man-child I wouldn't bother with him again.

ddl1 · 03/03/2021 20:36

This is a completely different situation! Nobody is saying that people with visual impairments / epilepsy etc or a medical reason why they physically cannot drive, should drive anyway or risk being ridiculed.

But not all of these disabilities/ medical problems are instantly visible; and not everyone wants to discuss their medical history with all and sundry.

As I say, there is nothing wrong with someone preferring a partner who can drive. It's regarding an inability to drive as a character defect or a mark of inferiority, that can only be tolerated if you provide the equivalent of a 'sick note', that I find objectionable.

Bumblebee1980a · 03/03/2021 20:38

It would put me off.

I think it's weird when adults don't drive.

vimtosogood · 03/03/2021 20:39

A woman who couldn't drive would put me off big time.
But then again my wife can drive, she will just refuse to take her turn insisting she wants a drink, and then nurse one weak malibu and coke all night. Ah the pre covid days.

blackheartsgirl · 03/03/2021 20:40

I've got a nice man thanks and he drives.

My ex claimed poverty (we were) but all his spare money was spent on fags, going out twice a week, xbox games and buying pasties from the shop twice a week. He could have afforded driving lessons. He just chose not to. Thats the red flag

Daisychainsandglitter · 03/03/2021 20:41

I am currently learning to drive age 36 or I will resume lessons again node the lifting of restrictions allow.
I've never needed to drive as live in a big city with excellent transport links. Even though I'm learning to drive I am only doing it for when I'm allowed to go and see clients again through work otherwise i really can't see it adding much benefit to my life.

Wide · 03/03/2021 20:41

'No scrubs' hanging out the passenger side of his best friends ride 😂

loveisanopensore · 03/03/2021 20:41

I can't drive. For years I lived in London and I didn't need to. Now that I should I'm regularly horrified by the actions of drivers. Mobile phone use, blocking footpaths, turning left across me on my bike.
Bike, bus and walking for me for now.

WhoStoleMyCheese · 03/03/2021 20:44

Would put me off - unless he lived in a major city.

Minniem2020 · 03/03/2021 20:46

Dp doesn't drive and its a pain in the arse

Crankley · 03/03/2021 20:46

In one of my longish relationships the DP couldn't drive. It pissed me off in the end. I even drove him to the tube station after he dumped me one morning.

The other thing is, OP him not living in his own place, He's nearly 40! Is he going to hope he meets someone, love bomb them and move in?

Not surprised you're put off.

fibeee · 03/03/2021 20:48

No you are not being unreasonable. I was in a long term relationship with a man who didn’t drive because “he could walk everywhere” and I told myself never again.

Guess it depends on where you live though. If I lived in London or somewhere with good public transport it might bother me less.

Okbussitout · 03/03/2021 20:48

Well you can be put of by what you want so yanbu. Is it some kind of adulting failure? No.

People have all sorts of financial backgrounds which may not have enabled them to learn. Also dependi on where you live it's not really an important skill.

Jobsharenightmare · 03/03/2021 20:51

Has he ever owned his own place or was he living in his partner's house before the breakup? I guess to me it isn't about the driving itself, more is this indicative of him having no drive? Is he much of an initiator or will he be the metaphorical passenger in the relationship....that kind of thing.

MorganKitten · 03/03/2021 20:51

Wouldn’t be an issue for me

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