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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be put off dating a man who doesn’t drive

759 replies

TrunkintheJunk · 03/03/2021 18:46

Recently started online dating. Been talking to someone who seems really nice. We’re arranging to go for a walk somewhere next week.
Thing is, he doesn’t drive. He’s 39 but just ‘never got around to learning’.
Am I a dick for being put off by this??

OP posts:
ArcheryAnnie · 09/03/2021 22:44

*side

Megan2018 · 09/03/2021 22:45

It would really put me off yes.

Not owning a car if you don’t need one is one thing, but learning to drive is important (unless there’s a medical type reason why you can’t).

It’s akin to not being able to use a computer or cook to me-a basic life skill. If someone can’t be bothered to do that, what else can’t they be bothered to do?!

Maverickess · 09/03/2021 22:49

@Sparklingbrook

Shows how invested some people are in how others live their life and telling them it's wrong.......

Sums up 99% of threads in AIBU. The driving one comes up a lot, it won't be long until there's another and everyone can get all specific and defensive once more.

TBF it makes a bit of a change from Covid and the royals. Grin

Yeah I'm not interested in the Royals either. And like most people, give covid ones a bit of a swerve these days, it's in my face enough at work. You get some interesting discussions, where people do actually engage with others of a different viewpoint, rather than just being derogatory and mocking people, and accusing them of being defensive when they relate their experiences and reasoning. Most people get defensive when they've been called the things on this thread that non drivers have, and face those attitudes though don't they, whatever the subject? Especially when it's not an across the board, absolute truth like is always made out on threads about driving, or lack of, by some people. I guess the stereotype around non drivers includes their opinions and experiences being dismissed out of hand too, as they're viewed so dismissively?
sausagerollcake · 09/03/2021 22:50

It would and it has put me. I love cars, driving is a huge pleasure and plus I have never lived anywhere that's accessible by public transport.

It may be less of an issue to those in towns and cities I imagine.

Bringonspring · 09/03/2021 22:55

I had friends who did stuff like this and worried about items such as this rather than if he was caring/would be a good father. They missed the boat on children and marriage and only now in their early 40s are kicking themselves for all the men they turned down for frivolous reasons such as this. You don’t want to be them

Maverickess · 09/03/2021 22:56

@Sparklingbrook

Hopefully it will signal a resurgence of shoes on or off in the house and P&C parking threads. Things are going back to normal. Grin Can’t wait until it’s reclining seats on aeroplanes ✈️
I'm watching out for the first ID thread when the pubs open again, haven't seen one of those for a while, it'll signify life getting back to normal again! 😂
Maverickess · 09/03/2021 22:58

@ArcheryAnnie

Yes I think so! Wine

Badyboo · 09/03/2021 23:07

It’s akin to not being able to use a computer or cook to me-a basic life skill.

On the whole, non computer users and bad cooks don't tend to kill people. Bad drivers do, every single day.

DdraigGoch · 09/03/2021 23:16

@Bringonspring

I had friends who did stuff like this and worried about items such as this rather than if he was caring/would be a good father. They missed the boat on children and marriage and only now in their early 40s are kicking themselves for all the men they turned down for frivolous reasons such as this. You don’t want to be them
Going back to the original post, this here is an important point. No, you don't owe anyone a date. You would however do yourself a disservice to dismiss a suitor out of hand for a trivial reason without at least checking the reasons - you don't know how he manages without a car, you don't know why he is living with a relative (could be waiting for the sale of the house he may have shared with his ex for example). "Never got around to learning" could be cover for "I have a medical condition I'd rather not discuss with someone who I've only just met".

If you are at ease with singledom and have no desire to have kids (hence no concerns about a ticking biological clock) then fine. Otherwise, it's worth at least meeting up for a few dates to see if he is prepared to make his own way to meet you and so on.

prawntoastie · 09/03/2021 23:22

Nope. Your decision really.

My mum drove and dad didn't wasn't a big deal though to them

GreenlandTheMovie · 09/03/2021 23:59

@Bringonspring

I had friends who did stuff like this and worried about items such as this rather than if he was caring/would be a good father. They missed the boat on children and marriage and only now in their early 40s are kicking themselves for all the men they turned down for frivolous reasons such as this. You don’t want to be them
Alternatively, they could be divorced and having to pay the man maintenance..
Waxonwaxoff0 · 10/03/2021 06:06

@Megan2018

It would really put me off yes.

Not owning a car if you don’t need one is one thing, but learning to drive is important (unless there’s a medical type reason why you can’t).

It’s akin to not being able to use a computer or cook to me-a basic life skill. If someone can’t be bothered to do that, what else can’t they be bothered to do?!

I don't get these comparisons. It really isn't the same. Cooking and using a computer are not difficult, you're basically just following a list of instructions. It's not the same as driving.
Waxonwaxoff0 · 10/03/2021 06:07

@Megan2018

It would really put me off yes.

Not owning a car if you don’t need one is one thing, but learning to drive is important (unless there’s a medical type reason why you can’t).

It’s akin to not being able to use a computer or cook to me-a basic life skill. If someone can’t be bothered to do that, what else can’t they be bothered to do?!

Also, learning to drive isn't important for everyone. If a person can't drive for a medical reason and they manage fine without it, why is that any different from me not learning to drive and managing fine without it?
Megan2018 · 10/03/2021 06:55

@Waxonwaxoff0 I live rurally with no public transport and taxis have to be booked weeks ahead (there’s only literally 1 taxi and they do airport runs etc only). A non driver would be completely dependent on me for transport. I’d never live in a town or city so a non driver is incompatible with me and my life.

I wouldn’t want to be in a relationship with someone who hasn’t got the wherewithal to drive.

Megan2018 · 10/03/2021 06:57

@Badyboo

It’s akin to not being able to use a computer or cook to me-a basic life skill.

On the whole, non computer users and bad cooks don't tend to kill people. Bad drivers do, every single day.

How does someone know they are a bad driver if they never bothered to learn?
Waxonwaxoff0 · 10/03/2021 07:02

[quote Megan2018]@Waxonwaxoff0 I live rurally with no public transport and taxis have to be booked weeks ahead (there’s only literally 1 taxi and they do airport runs etc only). A non driver would be completely dependent on me for transport. I’d never live in a town or city so a non driver is incompatible with me and my life.

I wouldn’t want to be in a relationship with someone who hasn’t got the wherewithal to drive.[/quote]
That's fair enough, but that doesn't mean that EVERYONE needs to drive like people are saying on this thread. I live somewhere where I don't need a car and never intend to live anywhere rural. So it's not necessary for me to know how to drive.

StillCoughingandLaughing · 10/03/2021 08:08

How does someone know they are a bad driver if they never bothered to learn?

Why do you assume everyone who doesn’t drive just ‘never bothered’ to learn? I took lessons - pretty much got pushed into it at 17 by my dad, who thought like you did about driving - and was largely terrible, and hated every minute of it. Should I have kept making myself anxious and throwing good money after bad because ‘It’s a life skill!’?

ufucoffee · 10/03/2021 08:12

I went out with someone who didn't drive and it was a massive pain. From then on it was a deal breaker for me.

StillCoughingandLaughing · 10/03/2021 08:15

@Megan2018

It would really put me off yes.

Not owning a car if you don’t need one is one thing, but learning to drive is important (unless there’s a medical type reason why you can’t).

It’s akin to not being able to use a computer or cook to me-a basic life skill. If someone can’t be bothered to do that, what else can’t they be bothered to do?!

It’s nothing like that. You won’t starve by not being able to drive! And being computer literate has been vital for every job I’ve ever had.

Driving? Can take it or leave it. And as another poster said, the consequences of cooking or computer use going wrong aren’t quite the same (unless you’re a really bad cook!)

Coffeepot72 · 10/03/2021 08:58

I was brought up in a rural area (one bus every third Tuesday!) and EVERYONE started driving lessons on their 17th birthday. If you didn't, you were considered plain weird. Obviously if there's a medical reason, then that's different.

I still live rurally, everyone drives, you couldn't live around here if you didn't.

Before I met DH, I declined a date from a very good looking guy, simply because he didn't drive. It emasculated him somehow. Feel free to shoot me down for saying that, but it's honestly how I felt.

Megan2018 · 10/03/2021 09:13

@StillCoughingandLaughing
the OP said he hadn’t. It’s not about you Hmm

silverbubbles · 10/03/2021 09:18

It would put me off as it speaks volumes. What has he been doing his entire life - just walking round the block and living locally?

StillCoughingandLaughing · 10/03/2021 09:24

[quote Megan2018]@StillCoughingandLaughing
the OP said he hadn’t. It’s not about you Hmm[/quote]
You can do the silly little Hmm face all you like - it doesn’t change the fact that a hell of a lot of people who can’t drive know that they shouldn’t drive, because they’ve tried and it didn’t go well.

donewithitalltodayandxmas · 10/03/2021 10:24

Well if you like him and it works out he can always learn to drive , my dh didn't drive when we met ( bit younger at 24) but most people I knew drove
We shared costs of petrol and in the end he learnt to drive as he wanted to help share the driving , i

donewithitalltodayandxmas · 10/03/2021 10:30

Also not having his own place , maybe he is living with a family member to save up or had children who live in a marital home which may be sold , or anything really.
A bit more context and knowing the whole situation would help .
My db moved home after his split with his partner and she stayed in their home with the kids and with maintenance etc , it was a while before he could afford his own place.