To be put off dating a man who doesn’t drive

[TrunkintheJunk]

Recently started online dating. Been talking to someone who seems really nice. We’re arranging to go for a walk somewhere next week.
Thing is, he doesn’t drive. He’s 39 but just ‘never got around to learning’.
Am I a dick for being put off by this??

Cycling with luggage is a very specific type of holiday, often uncomfortable, cold and wet. Or you spend the day covered in sweat, desperate for a shower. It has its merits (I've cycled from France to Switzerland) but having to do it every time I wanted to visit a rural youth hostel would put me right off. It just makes visiting places such as Skye expensive and difficult. Your whole holiday is spent working out timetables and checking you're going to be at the bus stop or whatever in time.

Otherwise without a car you're kind of stuck in the same place. At least in Britain. I used to live in The Netherlands and you don't really need a car there at all. But its still nice to have one, and to able to jump in a car and visit the Veluwe for the day without depending on busses or whatever. And the train network is more extensive in most other countries than in Britain. You would find it almost impossible to visit most castles in rural Aberdeenshire by relying on public transport. Ditto much of the north west Highlands of Scotland.

But I somehow get the feeling that the man in the OP isn't even the sort to have the gumption to visit places like that under his own steam. There are rather a lot of single men on OLD who just do absolutely nothing and stay in their own little world with no desire to explore the rest of it, by car or by public transport. I'd have no problem with one who was really adventurous, but again, I'd wonder why he simply didn't learn to drive to give an additional option of hiring a car.

DdraigGoch So what in life am I actually missing out on without a car? It's harder work but there's not really anything which I've missed as a result. Conversely I'm very fit and have a knack for solving problems rather than panicking and taking the lazy way out*

Believe me, you aren't the only person who is fit and not lazy, and its not an attribute reserved to non-drivers. I didn't learn to drive until I was 27, and you would not believe how hard it was to get myself to races (I run competitively). It involved a lot of cadging lifts, paying for taxis, arriving the night before and staying in a b&b, and its just far cheaper and less time consuming to have a car. And I think the buses run less often now and a few of the places I went, it would no longer be possible to get to.

I remember doing one evening 5k, finishing 3rd, being really pleased and having no damned clue how I was going to get home, as there was a bus to get me there but not back as it was after the last bus at 6pm or something. I had to cadge a lift from a total stranger. (I had hoped there would be someone there I knew). It was so embarrassing.

Believe me, you aren't the only person who is fit and not lazy, and its not an attribute reserved to non-drivers.

In exactly the same way that getting to places isn't an attribute reserved only for drivers.
Though you're consistently shouted down for saying that by people on threads like this, despite personal experience of actually doing it, because they can't imagine life without a car. They seem to think that if they can't do it, then it can't be done.
Quite a self absorbed and self promoting pov really.

"I'm so good I can do all these things, and if I can't do it then it simply can't be done!"

I think it depends on context. If he's always lived in a city, has access to good transport links and would struggle to financially run a car, then I'd probably be Ok.

If he lives in a small market town with an intermittent bus service and relies on friends and family to ferry him around then, personally, it would be a dealbreaker. I couldn't respect someone with so little independence.

This thread has been going for a week nearly . OP said last Thursday that they had talked themselves out of the date.

I am wrong to say this but it would put me off

@randomsabreuse it's entirely conceivable that the sort of person who spends their holidays in popular fell walking destinations is not going to be an Onslow-type character. Onslow would be found in somewhere like Blackpool.

We are of course discussing whether or not there is anywhere completely off-limits to non-drivers in response to insinuations in this thread that all non-drivers are hermits who both demand lifts at every inconvenient moment and never have any form of social life. No one is denying that aspects of life can be a little bit more difficult but occasions where I've actually missed having a car are few in comparison to the satisfaction of not having thousands dribbling out of my bank account on fuel, insurance, tax, repairs etc. Parking is a nightmare in my village too so knowing that I no longer have to park my car streets away is also a bonus.

Kids? It depends on how old and how many. I can't say that driving kids to Scotland is a prospect which would fill me with joy ("are we there yet!", "I need a wee!" etc.) whereas the family deal on Caledonian Sleeper looks like a great option.

@GreenlandTheMovie ten miles on moderate gradients isn't really going to work up the same sweat as your international trip though.

I don’t drive and I DONT think you’re being unreasonable.
I’m sick to death of women being shamed for their dating preferences, you don’t owe any man a date, we don’t exist just to make men happy.

this would be off-putting for me. especially since he never learned how to, there are some cities where there is no need to drive so i understand if someone doesn't drive. but not to know how to drive for some reason would bother me for some reason. maybe cause i'm very independent and don't like to rely on someone else driving me everywhere.

Are we nearly there yet is just as crap on a train as in a car! The main reason I'd want a car for a holiday with children is to give a wider choice of back up activities for crap weather

On a train though, you are sat at tables which makes colouring-in type activities easier, you can get up and walk up and down (including toilet trips) at will and you can entertain your child without also having to watch the road ahead.

@Sparklingbrook

This thread has been going for a week nearly . OP said last Thursday that they had talked themselves out of the date.

Shows how invested some people are in how others live their life and telling them it's wrong.......

The OP was put off by him not driving and also not seemingly being independent in other ways, fair enough really, someone not independent would put me off, I've had a couple who I ended up kicking into touch because they didn't want a partner, they wanted a maid with sex on tap! Both drove funnily enough!
I will argue until the thread closes though, against people who insist you can't do anything, be an adult or have any independence because you can't drive, or that being unable to master one skill makes me a useless person - it's just not true.

We didn't have a car when I was growing up so I have experience of both. Car has the option of breaking the journey somewhere nice, train is mostly better during but depends on others and limits luggage somewhat.

We did camping in the lakes by train, put me off for quite a while, plus we were limited to busier honeypot fells accessible from the campsite.

The 2 wet days were so miserable, we got soaked waiting for the bus to the museum, soaked walking from bus stop to museum that the second day we just hunkered down in our 4 man tent (lightweight so could be carried on the train) playing cards - very few other amusement options.

On a different holiday we had our luggage taken from the luggage racks on the train and there were plenty of delays as well.

Yep motorways also queue and you can usually get to the toilet better on the train (unless it's broken, then you're stuffed).

I actually think that motorail would be an ideal method of long distance travel, or a network of hire cars at hub stations, mostly parkway types rather that city centres!

It would put me off yes, but I live in the sticks and wouldn't want to do all the driving, if I lived in the city I could make it work, perhaps I'd get rid of my own car!

Driving is such a basic life skill. I would not date someone who hadn’t acquired it.

I get creeped out by people that age that don't have a licence. Fair enough not having a car, I personally don't have one at the moment as OH does and if I need to could use that. We live in the city and everything is accessible and understand that circumstances change. But not having a licence full stop would be a big no from me.

@randomsabreuse

We didn't have a car when I was growing up so I have experience of both. Car has the option of breaking the journey somewhere nice, train is mostly better during but depends on others and limits luggage somewhat.

We did camping in the lakes by train, put me off for quite a while, plus we were limited to busier honeypot fells accessible from the campsite.

The 2 wet days were so miserable, we got soaked waiting for the bus to the museum, soaked walking from bus stop to museum that the second day we just hunkered down in our 4 man tent (lightweight so could be carried on the train) playing cards - very few other amusement options.

On a different holiday we had our luggage taken from the luggage racks on the train and there were plenty of delays as well.

Yep motorways also queue and you can usually get to the toilet better on the train (unless it's broken, then you're stuffed).

I actually think that motorail would be an ideal method of long distance travel, or a network of hire cars at hub stations, mostly parkway types rather that city centres!

Motorail is still a thing on some sleeper route on the continent. First Great Western tried to bring it back but it wasn't worth it.

Break of journey is an interesting thing. Left luggage provision in the UK is generally pretty poor. I spent a day in Prague last year, in between two overnight journeys. The left luggage lockers in the main station were massive, I could easily get my Pusser's grip in one.

Another facility I have been very impressed with was the bathrooms in Berlin. Normally I'd baulk at the very idea of being charged €1 to fulfil one of the most basic of human needs but at Berlin the facilities were amazing. Spotlessly clean and well equipped - how many public toilets have showers too? Just what you need on a long journey. We need more of that sort of thing in the UK.

On a train though, you are sat at tables which makes colouring-in type activities easier, you can get up and walk up and down (including toilet trips) at will

Ha ha! Sounds idyllic... if only the trains weren't so crap. Last time I did a long distance rail journey with the kids they halved the size of the train and cancelled all reservations, so we had four hours with four of us crammed into two seats. We were the lucky ones though; most people were standing in the aisles or sitting on their bags. No chance of going to the loo or getting a coffee from the trolley.

It's no better than countless holidays to Scarborough in the 90s, when my mum used to take us all on the train. I distinctly remember travelling all the way, with everal of us packed into the toilet as there were no seats, on more than one occasion.

It's a shame public transport is so dire in this country (well, especially in the North) but it just makes driving even more essential.

Shows how invested some people are in how others live their life and telling them it's wrong.......

Hmm, no, Maverickess, I and others on this thread have completely upheld the OP's decision to date or not date whoever she pleases. I don't think any woman should argue herself into dating anyone she feels unsure about. But this thread has turned into a wider conversation, which MN threads often do.

I get creeped out by people that age that don't have a licence.

Is it Ok to say I get creeped out by people who are creeped out by someone not having a licence? Because that's such an OTT thing to say.

@ChristmasAlone

I get creeped out by people that age that don't have a licence. Fair enough not having a car, I personally don't have one at the moment as OH does and if I need to could use that. We live in the city and everything is accessible and understand that circumstances change. But not having a licence full stop would be a big no from me.

What an absolutely ridiculous thing to say.

Honestly, some people on here are just pathetic.

@ArcheryAnnie

Hmm, no, Maverickess, I and others on this thread have completely upheld the OP's decision to date or not date whoever she pleases. I don't think any woman should argue herself into dating anyone she feels unsure about. But this thread has turned into a wider conversation, which MN threads often do
.
Hmmmm, no. I didn't mean invested in the OPs life and dating choices, I meant so invested in arguing how not driving is infantile, lazy, how you can't be an adult unless you have a driving licence, how you must be reliant on other people, how you can't do x, y or z (totally disregarding if you might actually want to in the first place! Apparently you should care about the fact you can't go camping, or live in the middle of nowhere even if you don't want to because you don't have a driving licence ) and then totally disregarding people's actual life experiences of being able to live, work and get from a to b without owning a driving licence.

The whataboutery and assuming that without a driving licence, none of the scenarios, that get more and more outlandish, could possibly be solved without a driving license.

It was the wider discussion, and the investment of some in the discussion around what non drivers apparently can't do, and the type of people they are, that I was referring to.

@fellrunner85

On a train though, you are sat at tables which makes colouring-in type activities easier, you can get up and walk up and down (including toilet trips) at will

Ha ha! Sounds idyllic... if only the trains weren't so crap. Last time I did a long distance rail journey with the kids they halved the size of the train and cancelled all reservations, so we had four hours with four of us crammed into two seats. We were the lucky ones though; most people were standing in the aisles or sitting on their bags. No chance of going to the loo or getting a coffee from the trolley.

It's no better than countless holidays to Scarborough in the 90s, when my mum used to take us all on the train. I distinctly remember travelling all the way, with everal of us packed into the toilet as there were no seats, on more than one occasion.

It's a shame public transport is so dire in this country (well, especially in the North) but it just makes driving even more essential.

I love taking DS on the train. We are lucky that we usually go first class on long journeys though so never really had a bad experience.

Shows how invested some people are in how others live their life and telling them it's wrong.......

Sums up 99% of threads in AIBU. The driving one comes up a lot, it won't be long until there's another and everyone can get all specific and defensive once more.

TBF it makes a bit of a change from Covid and the royals.

@Sparklingbrook quite, I'd far sooner debate a serious issue than whatever Ginge and Whinge said.

Hopefully it will signal a resurgence of shoes on or off in the house and P&C parking threads. Things are going back to normal.
Can’t wait until it’s reclining seats on aeroplanes ✈️

Maverickess - I think we are on the same said on this!