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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be put off dating a man who doesn’t drive

759 replies

TrunkintheJunk · 03/03/2021 18:46

Recently started online dating. Been talking to someone who seems really nice. We’re arranging to go for a walk somewhere next week.
Thing is, he doesn’t drive. He’s 39 but just ‘never got around to learning’.
Am I a dick for being put off by this??

OP posts:
ArcheryAnnie · 09/03/2021 10:54

Indeed DdraigGoch. I've "travelled widely". both in the UK and abroad, without a car.

GreenlandTheMovie · 09/03/2021 11:01

@ArcheryAnnie

Indeed DdraigGoch. I've "travelled widely". both in the UK and abroad, without a car.
I remember the time I went to the western Isles of scotland without a car. At least, I left it in Ullapool, and travelled on the ferry without it. It was a Sunday, and everything was closed. I got to the youth hostel on the other side of the island about midday after a hard, windy cycle ride, but they had no food. Not even a Mars bar for sale. So I cycled another 8 windy, rainy, hilly, miles to the nearest village which had a pub. No food til 5. It was 2pm. They sold me 4 packets of crisps but I had to wait in wet clothes til they served food at 5. I felt like passing out and almost hypothermic. If I'd had my car, I could have driven back to Stornoway.

Yes, I could have been better prepared, but the point is that many parts of Britain aren't that accessible without a car.

Sunhoop · 09/03/2021 11:16

YANBU, it's usually indicative of a lack of some sort. He would go down in my estimation unless he had a REALLY good reason and the only one I can actually think of is a medical condition.

I've gone against my instinct and dated a man who couldn't drive once before. As expected it was a pain and as expected he was lacking - in drive Wink

ArcheryAnnie · 09/03/2021 11:21

GreenlandTheMovie I understand that wasn't a pleasant experience for you, but that was more about your lack of planning than your lack of a car. I can't imagine taking any sort of transport to a remote Youth Hostel without packing food for a couple of meals in my backpack.

randomsabreuse · 09/03/2021 11:23

@DdraigGoch

Wilderhope Manor YHA in Shropshire, self catering.

Princeton (on Dartmoor)

Fintry in Stirlingshire

Wasdale in Lake District in the termtime.

randomsabreuse · 09/03/2021 11:25

I accept that a taxi would get to all of them but most would be £££ from the nearest taxi rank.

Bythemillpond · 09/03/2021 11:37

ArcheryAnnie

I have had supermarket deliveries but invariably you have to go out to buy what they have missed or substituted and it becomes quite costly. Then there is other things you have to buy.
Today I have been told I need to get certain things for some work I am going to be doing tomorrow
Tesco delivery for these items would be expensive and they probably wouldn’t arrive in time so I probably would not have the job.
A taxi is about £16 to the local supermarket and same again back.
I can’t afford not to drive. Work is scarce atm and not being able to do it because you can’t afford the transport is not something I want to consider.

GreenlandTheMovie · 09/03/2021 11:48

The point being that I'm a superfit, very strong cyclist, easily capable of cycling everywhere I need to go. On that trip too, I was booked to go to St kikda, and of course that's always delayed and means waiting til the weather clears. The thought of being stuck in an endless loop of cycling to a village 8 miles away but otherwise huddled in the cold reception hallway of a youth hostel passing time made me give up and go home. I've never come across a youth hostel that didnt stock food essentials like pasta or tinned soup for guests to buy before, and carrying a backpack full of a week's worth of food across mountains into a headwind isn't fun.

But it's a shame not to use the modern luxuries that are available to us. Or at least to develop the capacity to do so. Driving doesnt mean you have to stop cycling to the shops. It just means that you can access places that public transport can't take you too l, and get a lot of fun you would otherwise miss out on. Your choices are less limited.

The weather is so bad in the Western Isles, I'd always take a car in future if I had the choice, even though my bike would be in the boot.

CounsellorTroi · 09/03/2021 11:48

[quote randomsabreuse]@DdraigGoch

Wilderhope Manor YHA in Shropshire, self catering.

Princeton (on Dartmoor)

Fintry in Stirlingshire

Wasdale in Lake District in the termtime.[/quote]
And it’s not just getting to them by car, it’s how much you will realistically be able to do when you get there. Pre Covid DH and I regularly holidayed in the Isle of Skye. We probably could get there by public transport but it would be too much like hard work and it’s meant to be a holiday. And without a car we’d have to stay somewhere close to a shop.

RoseLimeade · 09/03/2021 11:59

Until I was 27, I’d only ever dated non drivers. When that relationship ended I decided I was done dating people who couldn’t drive. Seriously. Sick of being expected to ferry grown men around. Always be the one to not drink. Always be the one who did big food shops cos he couldn’t manage on the bus. Met and married a driver.

Bythemillpond · 09/03/2021 12:04

All those who don’t drive because they live in London or an area with shops and public transport on your doorstep would you even consider moving away or are you stuck in areas that have to have facilities nearby.
What if you saw an amazing house but it was no where near the shops. Would you consider it or do you have to be in certain areas.
What if your partner/spouse does drive and has their heart set on living in a rural location. Or just somewhere that was a few miles from a bus stop. Would you learn to drive or insist that you can only live in certain areas

RoseLimeade · 09/03/2021 12:12

@Bythemillpond

All those who don’t drive because they live in London or an area with shops and public transport on your doorstep would you even consider moving away or are you stuck in areas that have to have facilities nearby. What if you saw an amazing house but it was no where near the shops. Would you consider it or do you have to be in certain areas. What if your partner/spouse does drive and has their heart set on living in a rural location. Or just somewhere that was a few miles from a bus stop. Would you learn to drive or insist that you can only live in certain areas
It wouldn’t bother me if a guy didn’t own a car as he didn’t currently need one... but I would expect him to have a license. Because you never know when you might need to be able to drive. And it can take a while to learn so I’d be really put off if someone literally had never learned to drive.
carolinesbaby · 09/03/2021 12:23

I would be put off a non-driver because I live rurally and the bus service is rubbish, I'd end up ferrying him around everywhere like a teenager.

Badyboo · 09/03/2021 12:41

Would you consider it or do you have to be in certain areas.

I wouldn't move to the countryside under any circumstances at all. If it ain't got 100s of options on Deliveroo, it isn't for me.

ArcheryAnnie · 09/03/2021 13:28

@Bythemillpond

All those who don’t drive because they live in London or an area with shops and public transport on your doorstep would you even consider moving away or are you stuck in areas that have to have facilities nearby. What if you saw an amazing house but it was no where near the shops. Would you consider it or do you have to be in certain areas. What if your partner/spouse does drive and has their heart set on living in a rural location. Or just somewhere that was a few miles from a bus stop. Would you learn to drive or insist that you can only live in certain areas
Thing is, all you fervent drivers, your "forever homes" won't work the moment that age or an accident or an illness (like the many that affect sight) stops you driving.

If I bought any home other than the one I am currently living in, it would have to be within walking distance of a shop, even if it's only a tiny village shop, because I want to be able to go and buy a loaf of bread when I want to, even when I am too old to drive a car even if I had one.

randomsabreuse · 09/03/2021 13:36

@ArcheryAnnie

Given DH's job requires decent eyesight and a degree of physical fitness and is the reason we have generally lived somewhere it's crap not to have a car the problem will not arise. Once we're beyond employment age/health we will be less constrained on location and buy something suitable for our needs then.

Bythemillpond · 09/03/2021 13:40

ArcheryAnnie

I want to live in an area that has zero crime (possibly because no one can find it) and is quiet and has a big garden.
Why would I live in a house that was suitable for when I get to 105 when I am only 30s or 40s or 50s. I can’t see me staying here or the next place or the next.
I always think the term forever home is quite depressing. It means the house you will die in.

Maverickess · 09/03/2021 14:17

@Bythemillpond

All those who don’t drive because they live in London or an area with shops and public transport on your doorstep would you even consider moving away or are you stuck in areas that have to have facilities nearby. What if you saw an amazing house but it was no where near the shops. Would you consider it or do you have to be in certain areas. What if your partner/spouse does drive and has their heart set on living in a rural location. Or just somewhere that was a few miles from a bus stop. Would you learn to drive or insist that you can only live in certain areas
Well I'm more constrained by my lack of finances as to where I can live, than my lack of driving tbh. It is a consideration, but not the only one. I actually do live what I suppose could be considered semi rurally, it's a village, it doesn't have a shop. The next town is a 20-25 min walk away, that's where I get things. I generally walk, I could get a weeks worth and get the bus, or get stuff delivered, but I like it this way, I like the bargains I can get going regularly, getting out, combining it with exercise etc. I have changed to getting a 'bulk' shop delivered once a month and then topping up since covid, but then people who drive get deliveries too, so it's not something only available for non drivers at everyone else's expense. The town I work in has a good selection of shops I can get most things I need or want that I can't locally. I'm there for work anyway. The bus services have actually been improved in the last 2 years, made my life easier, but not changed it vastly as I managed before and work in the same town though different job. I can work any of the shifts as the buses are regular and fairly reliable, even through lockdowns. I happen to prefer nights though. Times they're not running are pre planned, I book taxi's and put the money aside, unless it's something like the weather, but then everyone is affected by that, not just me. I currently don't have a partner or spouse, if that question arose, it would need discussion, not just about me not driving but about everything involved in choosing somewhere to live, it wouldn't hinge solely on that, I don't particularly want to move regardless of my driving status, I've moved a lot over the years (again not due to my driving status) and I just don't want to again as I finally have a bit of stability. That'd be far more of a sticking point for me. Similarly I don't like camping, so it's a non starter even if I did drive. I've travelled, and holidayed. I have ridden horses all my life too, I look after a friends regularly, my shift pattern allows me to do that. My life is quite full and I'm quite content. Would driving make things easier for me? Quite likely, but then having tried several times and failed, I'd rather put that money into gaining some enjoyment out of life in a way I can, rather than pouring money continuously into something I'm clearly not suitable for. I'm encouraging my child to learn, I've money aside for that, paid for the provisional etc. I hope she's better than me because then yes, she'll have an easier life, but it won't be an insurmountable problem if she can't.

I realise my lifestyle won't suit everyone though, I get that. Some people won't want to live the way I do - that's up to them. But it's up to me how I choose to live, I don't put upon anyone because I don't drive, I just get on with it. I don't see why that's such an issue for some people to grasp really.

CherryTwin · 09/03/2021 14:27

If he doesn't have his own place and doesn't drive at his age then chances are he's just looking for someone that can provide a home for him to move into and will ferry him about everywhere.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 09/03/2021 14:43

@Bythemillpond

All those who don’t drive because they live in London or an area with shops and public transport on your doorstep would you even consider moving away or are you stuck in areas that have to have facilities nearby. What if you saw an amazing house but it was no where near the shops. Would you consider it or do you have to be in certain areas. What if your partner/spouse does drive and has their heart set on living in a rural location. Or just somewhere that was a few miles from a bus stop. Would you learn to drive or insist that you can only live in certain areas
I have no desire to live anywhere rural, ever. The whole reason that I never learned to drive is that I like living in busy areas with everything on my doorstep. If I'd wanted to live somewhere rural I would have learned to drive. I don't have a partner and I wouldn't go out with someone who wanted to live rural as I'd hate it.
StillCoughingandLaughing · 09/03/2021 15:42

@Bythemillpond

All those who don’t drive because they live in London or an area with shops and public transport on your doorstep would you even consider moving away or are you stuck in areas that have to have facilities nearby. What if you saw an amazing house but it was no where near the shops. Would you consider it or do you have to be in certain areas. What if your partner/spouse does drive and has their heart set on living in a rural location. Or just somewhere that was a few miles from a bus stop. Would you learn to drive or insist that you can only live in certain areas
Isn’t it usually considered a good thing if an area has lots of facilities? Describing it as being ‘stuck there’ is an oddly negative way of looking at it. I’ve always lived in big cities because I want to, not because of lack of alternatives.

Not learning to drive is not an irreversible decision. If I did spot this ‘amazing house’ miles from anywhere and it just happened to be available (though why I’d be looking in such an area, I don’t know), what’s to stop me deciding I love it enough to learn? It usually takes the best part of three or four months to sell up and move - even if I didn’t pass my driving test in that time, I could probably get a good way down the line. In theory, selling and buying a house could take longer than learning to drive - would you tell someone not to buy a house in the first place in case they later saw one they liked better?

CounsellorTroi · 09/03/2021 15:45

lt's not an either or. We live in a city in an area which has plenty of amenities. We could manage without a car if it came to it. But we also like to have the added flexibility of a car and not be dependent on public transport while we don't have to.

randomsabreuse · 09/03/2021 16:03

I think there is a trade off between lots of amenities and noise from people using them, more people passing through etc. Also you often pay more to be close to the station/amenities but you could afford a bigger/nicer house if you could be somewhere less convenient. In one of DH's old jobs we had the choice between a poky 2 bed in town or a rural 4 bed detached house with a massive garden for the same rent.

Even in London there's a premium for convenience to the tube/rail network.

If you know your dream house is a swanky penthouse in a happening place then a car or driving licence is unlikely to be a priority, unless you also happen to enjoy rock climbing, fell running or to a lesser extent any smallish sport with national open competitions held at weekends in obscure sports centres and school sports halls... or if your work relocates to an out of town business park right next to the motorway keeping their city centre office for swanky meetings only...

DdraigGoch · 09/03/2021 16:06

@randomsabreuse here goes...
Wilderhope Manor YHA in Shropshire, self catering.
7.5 miles from Church Stretton station. Similar distance to shops and activities. I could cycle that quite easily, even with bags (I once did 50 miles with enough gear for a long weekend's camping; plus my SLR camera, lenses and tripod).
Princeton (on Dartmoor)
The 98 runs three times a day in each direction between Tavistock and Yelverton via Princetown and Postbridge. You can connect at both ends for frequent buses to Plymouth.
Fintry in Stirlingshire
14 miles from nearest railway station. Buses are schooldays only. Again, I've done far greater distances before with camping gear on a bike.
Wasdale in Lake District in the termtime.
Nether Wasdale is only 7 miles from Ravenglass. Easily doable on a bike. On foot, I'd even be tempted to use the Ravenglass and Eskdale Railway to Irton Road, I can't find a calendar for them due to covid but I reckon that they probably run daily from March to October like the tourist lines near me do.

Difficult to get to? Yes. Impossible? No. If I particularly wanted to get to any of them (the last one would probably suit my interests the most), I could and would. I've done madder things. Obviously covid may have reduced transport provision, there may well be slightly better provision once lockdown is a thing of the past.

@CounsellorTroi I actually have transited Skye on public transport. I spent ten days in Arisaig bunkhouse (well recommended) and the rest of the fortnight in Inverness Hostel (not recommended). To transfer between the two, I got the train to Mallaig, ferry to Armadale, bus to Kyle of Lochalsh and train to Inverness. Bus routes cover most of the island. Sure, they're very very infrequent in the wilder parts but that would be fine for the sort of holiday I'd have on Skye anyway.

So what in life am I actually missing out on without a car? It's harder work but there's not really anything which I've missed as a result. Conversely I'm very fit and have a knack for solving problems rather than panicking and taking the lazy way out. Despite what has been said upthread, I'd say that someone who uses public transport is more worldly than someone who drives everywhere. You see a lot of things when you aren't cooped up in an airconditioned metal box.

randomsabreuse · 09/03/2021 16:25

@DdraigGoch

So all except Princeton rely on being a fit and experienced cyclist with a means of carrying bags. Less easy if children are involved though.

If I didn't have kids I think I'd join a car club, ideally one with national coverage. Would be unlikely to own a car despite flexible rail fares often costing more than the inland revenue mileage rates if the journey had been done by car. Add an extra adult and train is rarely cheaper unless you can guarantee exact journey times 3 months in advance! Especially as our cars are now fully depreciated with value varying on an annual basis around the proximity of their MOT dates...

I do prefer to take the train for longer journeys, but it's often a luxury I can't justify unless on expenses!