Or is my friend really overstepping?

[crazyandbeyonce]

I work a super high stress job. It can be quiet at times but when it flares up, I can work 16 hour days with barely a chance to breathe. This week has been like that.

I have a very very close but very demanding friend. She's wonderful but she is in touch A LOT.

This is usually fine and we chat throughout the day but today I told her I literally couldn't chat because I was absolutely snowed under. I don't think I've had a work week so stressful for years.

Nonetheless my friend messaged me incessantly all day. I replied several times to reiterate that I wasn't ignoring her but really couldn't talk. I was close to tears with work stress today.

I was due to go for a walk with another friend after work and did manage to get to it, albeit an hour late.

I needed to massively decompress, so I didn't read or answer my demanding friend's messages (I checked they weren't urgent but they weren't) and went off for my walk.

My friend then text again to ask if I was ok. At this point I lied.

I told her I had cancelled my walk with my other friend and was still stuck working,

I know I shouldn't have lied...I know. I was just tired and needed to not read and reply to her stream of consciousness from the day. I wanted a quiet walk with a calming friend.

This would've been fine and would've given me a much needed breather and break from the screen, except what I didn't know is that she'd already called my au pair (!!!!) to ask where I was (under the guise of checking if I was ok as she hadn't heard from me for hours). My au pair told her I'd gone out for a walk with my other friend, thus revealing my lie.

She sent me a message after to say how hurtful it was that I'd gone out but hadn't replied to her and accusing me of lying (which I was). I managed to convince her the au pair had her wires crossed, but not sure she believed me. I should've confessed right away but my brain was just fried from work and completely blown away that she'd checked up on me, despite knowing exactly where I was and that I was snowed under

I now have to deal with this tomorrow. Both the fact I lied AND the fact that I'm overwhelmed and disturbed that she checked up on me.

AIBU to know I shouldn't have lied but to think this was crazy behaviour on her part?

How would you handle this now? I'm dreading that I have to deal with this when I talk to her next.

This is the second time she's had the hump because I've been too distracted with work (and she's a career woman herself so this really surprises me).

Sounds like that friendship might have run its course. At any rate I'd step back for a while and not contact her. Give it space.

Wow - she’s an ignorant demanding bully.

Well done for confronting in a calm and dignified way.

You now have an additional black mark to add to her score card - emotionally aggressive backlash to you when you politely opened up a conversation about boundaries.

I suspect she has zero other friends because no one would tolerate this nonsense.

I suspect you are the last man standing.

Why is that? Did you have to endure difficult people in your childhood? Did you know that as an adult you don’t have to - and you should treat yourself with respect and swerve people like this.

Thanks all.

We both have a lot of friends and we are in the same close circle of girlfriends, which is logistically difficult if we fall out (we aren't in the U.K. so we aren't in lockdown).

I expected to feel remorseful and guilty by the end of the day but I really don't. I am concerned that I've been horrible bad-mouthed to other friends and I feel crap for lying, but otherwise I feel that she owes me an apology.

Heavily internally debating whether to confess to my lie and apologise for that though.

Try this message:

'Friend, I wanted to apologise for lying about my whereabouts the other day - that was wrong of me and you're right to be upset about it.

I also wanted to talk about the frequency of messages you've been sending. I appreciate you're concerned about me, but please know that the sheer number of messages you send daily makes me feel under immense pressure to reply, and that added to the intensity of my job at the moment is just too much. I do want to hear from you, but a maximum of one message a day would be so much easier to cope with. I hope you understand - I wouldn't ask this if I wasn't really struggling to cope right now.'

Sign off however you like but that's what I would suggest as a baseline.....

@crazyandbeyonce

Heavily internally debating whether to confess to my lie and apologise for that though.

I'd say "sorry I lied but you were doing my head in".

@ContessaDiPulpo

Try this message:

'Friend, I wanted to apologise for lying about my whereabouts the other day - that was wrong of me and you're right to be upset about it.

I also wanted to talk about the frequency of messages you've been sending. I appreciate you're concerned about me, but please know that the sheer number of messages you send daily makes me feel under immense pressure to reply, and that added to the intensity of my job at the moment is just too much. I do want to hear from you, but a maximum of one message a day would be so much easier to cope with. I hope you understand - I wouldn't ask this if I wasn't really struggling to cope right now.'

Sign off however you like but that's what I would suggest as a baseline.....

This

She'll be back.

You really don't need to apologize to her. She needs to apologize to you. Do you have a habit of making other people's bad behaviour your fault? If so, then that maybe is something you need to address?

I wouldn’t be apologising for anything - not sure giving yourself space and cover and seeking peace and relief from that hounding is “lying” - you were emotionally protecting yourself from someone who is harassing you and not listening to you or respecting you.

Your withdrawal are normal and natural consequences of her behaviour.

Apologising for that is unnecessary and flips the “blame” onto you - which suits her - and takes the focus away from the ACTUAL problem - her incessant contact and over snooping with your au-pair - totally bizarre and highly inappropriate.

Keep the focus on her behaviours, don’t let her twist it. This is what manipulative people do - they erupt with the volatile indignation nonsense which triggers you into managing their distress rather than the issue you want to address - it’s all displacement and the classic DARVO (deny, attack, reverse victim and offender) process that bully’s employ when they are called out.

She sounds emotionally inept, inadequate and immature - demanding, volatile and draining.

Just withdraw a bit - change gears on the friendship a bit - see her as part of the wider group......and KNOW that she doesn’t treat others like this.....it’s not a good sign or one of “closeness” - it’s unbalanced and dysfunctional - she is treating you v disrespectfully like a doormat.

If you need to confess, something along the lines of..
'Hi, I need to discuss yesterday. Your incessant stream of texts, despite my request for peace, lead to the day ending badly. I'd finished work and was desperate for a peaceful walk with x. Your texts carried on, and in a moment of poor choice, I said I was still at work so that hopefully you'd stop for a while. Sadly it still didn't stop you and I was astounded to hear you'd rung my au pair to check on me. I do apologise for lying but I was desperate after a horrendous week at work.

Don't confess. You don't have to explain yourself to her. She was bang out of order and you acted in that way as a consequence of her behaviour. Plus opening up conversation to her means she knows you are feeling bad about this. Hold your head up high girl, and enjoy the peace and quiet!

Be honest.

Tell her she didn't seem to hear you when you said you were stressed.

She’s batshit but you’re being unnecessarily dramatic.

You don’t need to “confess your lie” Just leave it.

Tbh you’ve fed it a bit by sending message after message to tell her that you were too busy to message!

You should have said “I’m busy all day. I won’t be checking my messages. I’ll text when I’m free tomorrow or X day.”

You complain (rightly) that she’s overstepping boundaries but you also need to be very clear about your boundaries and stick to them.

Why is she so needy? I couldn’t stand that in a friend, tbh!

@NeilBuchananisBanksy

Don't confess. You don't have to explain yourself to her. She was bang out of order and you acted in that way as a consequence of her behaviour. Plus opening up conversation to her means she knows you are feeling bad about this. Hold your head up high girl, and enjoy the peace and quiet!

Do not confess.

It will then be ALL about your lie.

OP, you have very poor boundaries.

You should have hust completely ignored her.

Instead you were humouring her.

She is batshit.
Her behaviour is not normal.

You have children and you have this level of pressure from a friend?

I would call that level of contact harassment and abnormal.

Enjoy your peace and reflect on your boundaries.

I don't think you've done anything wrong. I wouldn't rush to get back in touch right now, either to smooth things over or to bring up the lie again. I would give it a few days for you both to calm down and to give her a chance to think about what you've said, which was entirely fair.

Wtf!? Just don’t respond. If I’m busy I dont reply to my messages, you don’t need to lie! It seems like a co dependent relationship.

Next time leave messages unread and tell her you don't look at your phone during work hours.

I like the response from @forrestgreen. Hits the right tone.

I would guess that your friendship group know how hard work she is so even if she did bitch about it they wouldn’t think badly of you

Result! She doesn't want to see you again - I'd take that as a win. If you are out with mutual friends just chat to the others. After all, she has set a brand new boundary by not wanting to see you again, so you need to respect that. A friend like that is immature, controlling and nobody needs that in their life. Do not attempt to apologise for anything. Don't contact her again. No doubt she'll come crawling back and if she does I'd be inclined to keep her at arms length.

Thanks all.

The whole thing is exhausting. She managed to bend another friend's ear today and it seems I'm public enemy number one for being a negligent friend to them both this week (with extra baddie points for finding time to go for a walk with another friend).

Have I entered a parallel universe where adults are supposed to put their friends' needs before their day-jobs? I'd be fired if I did that!

At this point I'd like to go to bed and pull the covers over my head and ignore it all!

How would I handle it? I'd distance myself and quietly decrease the "friendship" because actually it's not true friendship. She's just hassling you.

@crazyandbeyonce

Thanks all.

The whole thing is exhausting. She managed to bend another friend's ear today and it seems I'm public enemy number one for being a negligent friend to them both this week (with extra baddie points for finding time to go for a walk with another friend).

Have I entered a parallel universe where adults are supposed to put their friends' needs before their day-jobs? I'd be fired if I did that!

At this point I'd like to go to bed and pull the covers over my head and ignore it all!

How do you know?

Tell her you lied because she wont leave you alone , you felt hounded . She may be hurt and you could lose her as a friend but time to tell the truth

I bet your friends known exactly what she is like. I wouldn't worry about other people turning against you.