Or is my friend really overstepping?

[crazyandbeyonce]

I work a super high stress job. It can be quiet at times but when it flares up, I can work 16 hour days with barely a chance to breathe. This week has been like that.

I have a very very close but very demanding friend. She's wonderful but she is in touch A LOT.

This is usually fine and we chat throughout the day but today I told her I literally couldn't chat because I was absolutely snowed under. I don't think I've had a work week so stressful for years.

Nonetheless my friend messaged me incessantly all day. I replied several times to reiterate that I wasn't ignoring her but really couldn't talk. I was close to tears with work stress today.

I was due to go for a walk with another friend after work and did manage to get to it, albeit an hour late.

I needed to massively decompress, so I didn't read or answer my demanding friend's messages (I checked they weren't urgent but they weren't) and went off for my walk.

My friend then text again to ask if I was ok. At this point I lied.

I told her I had cancelled my walk with my other friend and was still stuck working,

I know I shouldn't have lied...I know. I was just tired and needed to not read and reply to her stream of consciousness from the day. I wanted a quiet walk with a calming friend.

This would've been fine and would've given me a much needed breather and break from the screen, except what I didn't know is that she'd already called my au pair (!!!!) to ask where I was (under the guise of checking if I was ok as she hadn't heard from me for hours). My au pair told her I'd gone out for a walk with my other friend, thus revealing my lie.

She sent me a message after to say how hurtful it was that I'd gone out but hadn't replied to her and accusing me of lying (which I was). I managed to convince her the au pair had her wires crossed, but not sure she believed me. I should've confessed right away but my brain was just fried from work and completely blown away that she'd checked up on me, despite knowing exactly where I was and that I was snowed under

I now have to deal with this tomorrow. Both the fact I lied AND the fact that I'm overwhelmed and disturbed that she checked up on me.

AIBU to know I shouldn't have lied but to think this was crazy behaviour on her part?

How would you handle this now? I'm dreading that I have to deal with this when I talk to her next.

This is the second time she's had the hump because I've been too distracted with work (and she's a career woman herself so this really surprises me).

[B33Fr33]

You need to establish better boundaries. There should be no need for your aupair to be answering to your whereabouts the FIRST message you sent about being so busy should have been the last. She should have waited for you to get free again.

[noirchatsdeux]

My best friend has been like this in the past, and still has the odd moment. One cold, rainy winter Monday morning I was out doing some business, and a bus replacement service had been put on so everything took me twice as long. He'd sent me a message about something and nothing and I hadn't answered cause frankly I just wasn't in the mood...next minute he's sent the most passive aggressive message ever, demanding to know why I could be on social media but hadn't replied to him!

I snapped and told him in no uncertain terms that my time was my own and how I spent it was none of his business. The message has got through, and any time now he sends or says anything even remotely passive aggressive I tell him to stop being such a drama queen.

[NovemberR]

I'd say, I lied to you BECAUSE YOU ARE DOING MY FUCKING HEAD IN!!

Tell her if she can't stop texting, when you have already told her you are absolutely snowed under, that you will block her and end the friendship. She should be apologising for massively overstepping normal boundaries.

[Notaroadrunner]

No friends need to be in contact with each other numerous times a day. You told her you were busy but she didn't listen and had the nerve to check up on your whereabouts simply because you weren't replying to her incessant messaging. Im afraid I'd have to take a large step back from this control freak and concentrate on the friends who don't overwhelm you. Tell her you are busy and need space, and then stop replying to her/block her if she continues to hound you.

[Wondergirl100]

I think you need to be very honest. Say - I'm sorry I lied, what I should have done is stopped answering you earlier. Please can we draw a line in the sand and stop this.

You are at work, you shouldn't even be engaging with her.

I agree it sounds co dependent. do you like the drama?

Just say - hey cant talk am out for a walk bye. then ignore.

[islockdownoveryet]

Ffs first of all when you messaged her to say you are snowed under that should of been that . But no she kept messaging you and she even spoke to your au pair . She’s being unreasonable so you felt you had to lie although I feel you played right into that and now she’s the victim.
Be firm be clear and explain that it’s unreasonable to keep messaging someone at work at all but definitely when you said you were so busy .
Apologise for lying but that’s it .
I suspect she will carry on but I’d not want to be friends with someone who doesn’t understand boundaries.
These threads are on here all the time the friend as in you op doesn’t say anything then the situation escalates .

[BorderlineHappy]

How have you not lost the head yet.
I wouldnt say sorry,and tell your Au Pair to block her number.
And then tell her to fuck off.

[NoParticularPattern]

Jesus. She sounds exhausting but equally you sound like you’re not massively good at setting boundaries and sticking to them either. If you’d text her once to say you were too busy to chat to her then why reply to any of her texts never mind several?

Own it. Tell her that yes you lied and you’re sorry she’s hurt, but that she was being very full on during a very stressful day and you just needed the peace. And then when you’ve got a busy day again tell her then DO NOT REPLY. Not even to tell her AGAIN that you’re busy. Reply when you are done and ONLY when you are done. Either she will work out that she is 100% too much and back off, or she will get the hump and the problem solves itself. Set the boundaries and stick to them. Ignore anything that crosses the line.

[dontcompare]

What??? I'd get rid.

[MrsClatterbuck]

Just to add I don't understand why she thinks that bombarding you with texts all day at work is appropriate. I surely wouldn't have to have been able to deal with that and do my job nor would my employer been impressed with me taking time out to answer a shedload of texts. In fact we were not allowed to have our phones out on our desks. How much time do you spend on her each day. I would count it up and I think you would be shocked. As others have said this is not in any way shape or form normal.

[Kittykat93]

Why do you keep replying to her messages all day every day?? If I'm snowed under with work I just dont reply until I want to..no one is forcing you. By responding to her every message shes not realising that you dont actually want to message her.

[crazyandbeyonce]

Well...I confronted her. I told her I couldn't discuss is now as I was still in the midst of the work stress but that I felt she'd crossed a massive boundary and ignored the fact I'd told her repeatedly that I was busy. I was kind but also blunt.

She replied extremely angrily and essentially told me she never wanted to see me again

The worst part was that she told me she didn't overstep a boundary and she was just being caring. I'm angry because she absolutely did overstep MY boundary.

Her temper tantrum not unexpected but I'm disappointed at the outcome. We've been best friends a long time and I hope she will calm down, but I don't feel overwhelmed with the urge to beg for forgiveness of apologise.

[youvegottenminuteslynn]

@crazyandbeyonce

Well...I confronted her. I told her I couldn't discuss is now as I was still in the midst of the work stress but that I felt she'd crossed a massive boundary and ignored the fact I'd told her repeatedly that I was busy. I was kind but also blunt.

She replied extremely angrily and essentially told me she never wanted to see me again

The worst part was that she told me she didn't overstep a boundary and she was just being caring. I'm angry because she absolutely did overstep MY boundary.

Her temper tantrum not unexpected but I'm disappointed at the outcome. We've been best friends a long time and I hope she will calm down, but I don't feel overwhelmed with the urge to beg for forgiveness of apologise.

She sounds batshit OP. I'm really sorry shes added to your stress. I had this with an ex - he was incredibly controlling and thought I would cheat (for no reason) so I ended up lying in a panic so he wouldn't think I was and then it made me look guilty. Absolute headfuck. I would be relieved shes said she doesn't want to see you, grieve the friendship but focus on the fact that this isn't what actual friendship looks like. I would be tempted to say 'I respect your decision, all the best.' to get closure. She hasn't respected your decisions but you are accepting hers. What a dick she is, can't believe she called your au pair!!

[grassisjeweled]

All's well that ends well then

[justilou1]

I think you need to tell her that there are two boundaries in a friendship - hers AND yours. She is only considering hers. She sounds like a high-maintenance PITA, tbh. Do you really want her to get back to you?

[SleepingStandingUp]

She has far too much power.

1st text: sorry Linda, I'm manic at work today, so I won't be able to reply again until I'm home tonight.

All subsequent messages ignore

When you get home, read messages when you get chance, send a one text reply to it all.

[gutful]

She sounds controlling, needy & using you to talk “at” not to.

She doesn’t seem to recognise or respect other people’s lives or schedules

Does anyone else find it cringe when grown ups beyond 25+ refer to each other as “best friends” ?

[flakymate]

Block her ASAP

And watch your life magically improve afterwards

[23PissOffAvenueWF]

Wow, I just can’t even.

Good on you for finally laying down the law. You should have done it a long time ago. Sorry to be blunt, but you’re partly responsible for where things currently are.

Word of warning - she is quite clearly not going anywhere! She ‘never wants to see you again’?! Yeah, you wish.

She will be back, and probably before the week is out.

Stop apologising, for heaven’s sake. She owes you a massive apology.

What an absolute fruit loop.

[BlueThistles]

I loathe people like this ... that trample all over your boundaries... its all about them...

🌺

[thosetalesofunexpected]

@crazyandbeyonce

She sounds like a head case an a controlling one at that
Tell her to do one op

[UnRavellingFast]

Sorry but dump. Your life is too stressful to include an emotional parasite - who invades your privacy by quizzing your au pair. Yuk.

[YukoandHiro]

Just seen your update - I'm sorry it ended that way but she clearly has a massive issue with listening and also with respect for you.

Did you reply? I would say you're sorry she feels that way, and then leave it a few days. Then just text an ordinary message and see if she replies. Ball is in her court then.

[DPotter]

This person is not what I would call a friend. I think you need to take a step back from this 'relationship' because it does not come across as healthy to me - she is too demanding of your time and you are all to willing to give it to her.

Frankly I would not be welcoming her back with open arms if she approaches you again, as this pattern of constant contact seems to be the basis of your relationship. It's not healthy, it's not convenient and it sure as eggs is eggs isn't caring.

[crazyandbeyonce]

I didn't reply at all! I had neither the time nor the energy to address it. I should do but I'm glad of the peace for a bit meanwhile.