Or is my friend really overstepping?

[crazyandbeyonce]

I work a super high stress job. It can be quiet at times but when it flares up, I can work 16 hour days with barely a chance to breathe. This week has been like that.

I have a very very close but very demanding friend. She's wonderful but she is in touch A LOT.

This is usually fine and we chat throughout the day but today I told her I literally couldn't chat because I was absolutely snowed under. I don't think I've had a work week so stressful for years.

Nonetheless my friend messaged me incessantly all day. I replied several times to reiterate that I wasn't ignoring her but really couldn't talk. I was close to tears with work stress today.

I was due to go for a walk with another friend after work and did manage to get to it, albeit an hour late.

I needed to massively decompress, so I didn't read or answer my demanding friend's messages (I checked they weren't urgent but they weren't) and went off for my walk.

My friend then text again to ask if I was ok. At this point I lied.

I told her I had cancelled my walk with my other friend and was still stuck working,

I know I shouldn't have lied...I know. I was just tired and needed to not read and reply to her stream of consciousness from the day. I wanted a quiet walk with a calming friend.

This would've been fine and would've given me a much needed breather and break from the screen, except what I didn't know is that she'd already called my au pair (!!!!) to ask where I was (under the guise of checking if I was ok as she hadn't heard from me for hours). My au pair told her I'd gone out for a walk with my other friend, thus revealing my lie.

She sent me a message after to say how hurtful it was that I'd gone out but hadn't replied to her and accusing me of lying (which I was). I managed to convince her the au pair had her wires crossed, but not sure she believed me. I should've confessed right away but my brain was just fried from work and completely blown away that she'd checked up on me, despite knowing exactly where I was and that I was snowed under

I now have to deal with this tomorrow. Both the fact I lied AND the fact that I'm overwhelmed and disturbed that she checked up on me.

AIBU to know I shouldn't have lied but to think this was crazy behaviour on her part?

How would you handle this now? I'm dreading that I have to deal with this when I talk to her next.

This is the second time she's had the hump because I've been too distracted with work (and she's a career woman herself so this really surprises me).

[islockdownoveryet]

It was the outcome I’d expect , she needs to grow up and stop being a drama llama.
Leave her to it otherwise it’s going to be a constant headache in this friendship. She’s either emotionally immature or thick that you can’t keep messaging grown adults especially when you’ve been clear that you are at work and busy . Most grown adults it would go without saying if someone was in work they’d reply when they get a free minute.

[OhLookHeKickedTheBall]

The lying wasn't great but completely understandable. The last thing I'd want to do after tons of messages that were happening despite having sent notes saying I'm too busy is the talk to the person chasing me. I'd rather spend the wind down time with someone who understands the concept of being too busy. If you want to apologise then the context is needed as otherwise she'd do it again.

It may sound silly but sometimes putting numbers on it highlights it. Her i was just concerbed gets a bit washed away when you can say 65 messages, 4 reminders I'm too busy and still chasing me down via the au pair.

[BlueThistles]

Block them both...

honestly with EVERYTHING that is going on right now... this is truly pathetic

please don't apologise to this over needy giant baby OP 🌺

[Ilovechinese]

Wow she sounds like a nut case! She's acting like how a possessive bf would act! If it was me I wouldn't let her use your lying against you I would just say okay yes I lied but I just wanted a break from your texts and constant harassing me! Your active crazy and possessive and have absolutely no right to go checking up on me and next time you say you're busy to just leave you alone and give you a break and if she checks up on me again I would consider ending the friendship!

[YukoandHiro]

Who says you're public enemy number one? Her, or this other friend?

If the other friend has approached you criticising you I would do as a previous poster suggested - count the number of messages and say that you're sorry you've caused upset but in the middle of a really busy day you cannot be expected to field 65 messages from an adult woman - that's not a reasonable expectation of a mature friendship and it doesn't mean you don't care, just that you have a job to do with a major deadline.

Does she do this with other friends in the group or has she singled you out as the one least likely to just ignore or be brusque in response?

[FOJN]

Your friend is behaving unreasonably but claiming her behaviour made the lie necessary is co-dependent on your part.

You told her you were very busy with work and couldn't talk, that was the point at which you had given yourself space to ignore all further messages but for some reason you felt compelled to respond to later messages which then made the lie seem like the easiest option. You set that situation up by not enforcing your own boundaries.

How are you now aware of how "friends" are gossiping about you? The dynamic of the friendship group seems quite unhealthy but you still seem to be engaged with it, why? It's a serious question for you to ask yourself? Could it be that you actually enjoy the drama?

[friendlycat]

This really is not a healthy friendship at all. It all sounds extremely childish and something from the playground frankly.

It you have a super stressful job I'm assuming you are also an intelligent person. Surely you can see that this is not a normal friendship and the boundaries are way out of line. You are working hard so why on earth would you be responding to a series of texts from a friend throughout the day? Then she rang your au pair??!!

But to cap it all off she is now in a major sulk, stating she never wants to see you again, then slagging you off to another mutual friend. How old are these people for goodness sake? Are you all in primary school?

I'm sorry but what on earth makes you want to apologise to her for? Yes you fibbed that you were still working. So what. She ignored your repeated requests all day that you were stressed and could not respond. You need to take a MAJOR step back from this friendship whether she is part of your group of friends or not. You also need to step back from the tittle tattle that she is creating with other mutual friends. Personally I would be rising above it all if it were me.

[Newgirls]

I just cannot conceive of treating people like your friend has. So intense. Wow focus on your work and give them some space for a while

[CoopsMalloops]

@AtSwimTwoBerts

How would you handle this now? I'm dreading that I have to deal with this when I talk to her next

I'd tell her to go fuck herself, tbh. This isn't what friendship is.

Same.

[misskatamari]

Wtaf! Nope, grown adults generally don't behave this way! The fact that another friend is backing her up and thinks this is reasonable is bonkers!!

[User1511]

You need to stop replying every time she messages if you’re busy. Reply when it suits you (to everyone).

[Hidinginstaircupboard]

The whole thing is exhausting. She managed to bend another friend's ear today and it seems I'm public enemy number one for being a negligent friend to them both this week (with extra baddie points for finding time to go for a walk with another friend).

Well your friend is self centred and emotionally manipulative if she's pulling this shit after harassing you all day and not letting you get in with your hectic stressful work day, that pays your wages and keeps your business going. Let alone that it was distressing yiu and you'd had enough and didn't want to hurt her feelings. You have done nothing wrong other than not block her number that day when she didn't take no for an answer.

The beauty of it all is that you can still temporarily block her on your mobile and take your time - maybe in a few weeks or months- to say to other friends when /or if / you feel you need to, that 'she wouldn't stop and let me work'

Really no need to explain or get into whether you went for a walk or not with a more respectful friend- you are allowed two friends or more!!/ all that is relevant is that she was needy demanding & ignored your request to stop interrupting your work and was doing your ducking head in...!

Take a break from Miss MeMeMe and realise that your world doesn't revolve around her unreasonable demands.
Don't explain don't apologise, just be well xxxx

Meh- good mutual friends will eventually know she is 'a one' as they'll be getting benefit of her neediness soon enough whilst you are in silent!

[StormTreader]

I had a friend like this a few years ago, I used to refer to her as my "not-girlfriend" because she demanded constant emotional support and contact like a needy girlfriend.

We hugely fell out after she upset me so much I had to go home early from work, and I took the opportunity to end the friendship there, I've never regretted it.

[PandemicAtTheDisco]

I have a friend like this. We had words about her excessive texting about 2 years ago. Many, many others have had the same experience with her and she even was told off about contacting her ex boss too many times in the evenings and weekends.

I have now got the messages from her cut down to several a day but she has changed how she texts me and will now give unclear messages like - 'it's a shame he died', 'sad today', 'not well' so there is a need to promptly reply and find out more. After a few more vague texts then you find it's some obscure famous person you've never heard of.

She has got so angry about everyone asking her to stop texting so much. I've had several texts today about how sad she is about her daughter being upset about too many texts from her and blocking her.

Sad today.
Why are you sad? What's happened?
She's blocked me
Who's blocked you?
I'm so upset
Why?
Why doesn't she care?
Who? I have no idea what's happened. Please tell me in proper sentences. I'm working so can't chat now.
DD blocked me
Why?
She doesn't have time for me
Were you texting her too much again?
I was showing interest and caring about her
How many texts did you send?
it's cruel
How many texts did you send?
No one should block their mum
I'm working. Will talk later.

[willstarttomorrow]

OP, just be totally honest then it is up to your friend. Just a message saying 'Hi friend, as you know I was totally stressed beyond on xxx day with work, totally had to remain focused on my job during working hours To be honest it was a bit hard you still insisted on messaging that day when I told you that and it added to my stress. I had a walk planned with (other friend) and was able to go ahead and needed to to unwind. I am sorry I lied but I will be honest, you made me feel a bit uncomfortable because of your persistence that day and I really had nothing left to give. Happy to meet and talk about this but not prepared to blow it out of proportion. Ball in your court

[eeek88]

She’s insane. She forced you to lie in order to carve yourself a bit of time to recharge your batteries because she wasn’t going to leave you alone otherwise. If she’d respected your boundaries in the first place you wouldn’t have needed to lie. I would point all of this out and tell her that if she can’t respect simple and clear boundaries then you don’t want to hear from her at all.

I’ve been in a similar situation- friend spent half an hour repeatedly messaging and trying to ring me. I was not available to speak to her at that time. She then got in the car and drove 20 mins to my house, walked in through the unlocked door and proceeded to have a massive go at me while I was eating my supper. I somehow managed to stay very calm and repeated the same key message again and again which was that I was not available to speak to her at that moment. Then I left the house. She followed, she fucking followed! But not before telling my partner that the emotional stress had caused her to wet herself. Unbelievable behaviour.

I sent her an absolute bollocking over email, re-drew some essential boundaries, and didn’t see her for about a year. We are now back in contact and she’s on best behaviour but I’m yet to decide how much of her I want in my life. Some people are just very intense and when it moves into possessiveness it’s time to question whether you want them around because they are basically psychos.

[eeek88]

@PandemicAtTheDisco

I have a friend like this. We had words about her excessive texting about 2 years ago. Many, many others have had the same experience with her and she even was told off about contacting her ex boss too many times in the evenings and weekends.

I have now got the messages from her cut down to several a day but she has changed how she texts me and will now give unclear messages like - 'it's a shame he died', 'sad today', 'not well' so there is a need to promptly reply and find out more. After a few more vague texts then you find it's some obscure famous person you've never heard of.

She has got so angry about everyone asking her to stop texting so much. I've had several texts today about how sad she is about her daughter being upset about too many texts from her and blocking her.

Sad today.
Why are you sad? What's happened?
She's blocked me
Who's blocked you?
I'm so upset
Why?
Why doesn't she care?
Who? I have no idea what's happened. Please tell me in proper sentences. I'm working so can't chat now.
DD blocked me
Why?
She doesn't have time for me
Were you texting her too much again?
I was showing interest and caring about her
How many texts did you send?
it's cruel
How many texts did you send?
No one should block their mum
I'm working. Will talk later.

Wow.
She’s insane too.

Don’t reply unless she sends you full sentences.

Where do all these psychos come from?

[crazyandbeyonce]

Glad (or perhaps shocked?) to see there are people out there with even crazier friends.

For those who wondered - I heard from the other friend because I'd dropped her a line about something separate and she told me she also felt abandoned by me this week.

And no, I absolutely do not like the drama. I can't stand it and I find this whole approach to friendship very infantile. I feel like I'm back on the playground and I really hate it.

[AmberItsACertainty]

So disengage. You don't have to have these friendships. You can be civil to people, friendly if you're out in a group of friends with them. But you needn't see them alone or text or phone if you don't want to. It doesn't matter if they get upset, which sounds horrible but really their emotions aren't your problem, you're entitled to be friends with whoever you want and to devote as much or as little time to each friendship as you want. If the other person doesn't like your 'terms and conditions' they can choose not to be friends with you. I understand that you might want to make compromises with people who you want to stay friends with, but for those who bring nothing but drama why bother.

PandemicAtTheDisco I wouldn't engage with texts like that either. It's deliberately manipulative on your friend's part.

"I'm sad" is information, it doesn't require an instant response to extract further information. "Sorry to hear that. I'm at work at the moment." sent during your next break would suffice (for any normal person). If she'd texted "can you come over I'm so upset I'm crying" would have me texting back straight away to say "sorry I can't I'm at work" so she wasn't left hanging. Anything else can wait until later.

If the world had truly ended or someone had died any reasonable person would tell you properly without the information having to be dragged out of them.

These dramatic 'woe is me' types are emotional vampires. I don't know how anybody puts up with them.

[Wackadoo]

@VettiyaIruken

Tell her the truth.
I am really busy at work and you refuse to respect that. It's adding to my stress. Yes, I lied. I needed some time to relax but you won't accept that and I was trying to spare your feelings.

Either she will take a good look at herself and stop being so demanding or she'll be so offended she'll chuck her dummy and the problem will solve itself. 🤷‍♀️

@VettiyaIruken this response is actually perfect. Clear, polite but firm. No words of sorry because there shouldn't be, and no "hun" all over the place.

If you ever decide to become a boundary coach, I'd totally sign up as your first client

[Sapho47]

@PandemicAtTheDisco

I have a friend like this. We had words about her excessive texting about 2 years ago. Many, many others have had the same experience with her and she even was told off about contacting her ex boss too many times in the evenings and weekends.

I have now got the messages from her cut down to several a day but she has changed how she texts me and will now give unclear messages like - 'it's a shame he died', 'sad today', 'not well' so there is a need to promptly reply and find out more. After a few more vague texts then you find it's some obscure famous person you've never heard of.

She has got so angry about everyone asking her to stop texting so much. I've had several texts today about how sad she is about her daughter being upset about too many texts from her and blocking her.

Sad today.
Why are you sad? What's happened?
She's blocked me
Who's blocked you?
I'm so upset
Why?
Why doesn't she care?
Who? I have no idea what's happened. Please tell me in proper sentences. I'm working so can't chat now.
DD blocked me
Why?
She doesn't have time for me
Were you texting her too much again?
I was showing interest and caring about her
How many texts did you send?
it's cruel
How many texts did you send?
No one should block their mum
I'm working. Will talk later.

Omg i have a "friend" whos just the same with the stupid toddler sentence texts.


I gave up a while ago that convo goes like this now

"Sad today.
awww
She's blocked me
awww hun
I'm so upset
awww

[SneezyGonzalez]

Her behaviour isn’t normal for a friendship, she sounds incredibly needy tbh

[5zeds]

Why can’t you just say you’re busy and you’ll text her back after work/tomorrow? Why are you reading and responding to texts if you’re busy? Why would lying be the go to rather than honesty?

I think you created this problem. Tell her you lied and apologise.

[crazyandbeyonce]

5zeds - I did tell her that. When work really started to get busy, I sent a final message to say I was busy and couldn't look at her messages. I didn't message her again until 8 hours later when she chased me up (at which point I lied in the hope I could just have a moment's peace and wouldn't be obligated to reply).

In that 8 hours, she'd sent several texts, including one staring text 'I know you're busy but...'

I feel crap for lying, I really do. I just was at a loss as to how to be 'allowed' to just have some peace.

I have set this boundary with her re work one before. It's not the first time.

While I do need to set much clearer boundaries, I also feel that she should be respecting the boundaries I've set.

[crazyandbeyonce]

*that was meant to say 'including one starting with...'