Or is my friend really overstepping?

[crazyandbeyonce]

I work a super high stress job. It can be quiet at times but when it flares up, I can work 16 hour days with barely a chance to breathe. This week has been like that.

I have a very very close but very demanding friend. She's wonderful but she is in touch A LOT.

This is usually fine and we chat throughout the day but today I told her I literally couldn't chat because I was absolutely snowed under. I don't think I've had a work week so stressful for years.

Nonetheless my friend messaged me incessantly all day. I replied several times to reiterate that I wasn't ignoring her but really couldn't talk. I was close to tears with work stress today.

I was due to go for a walk with another friend after work and did manage to get to it, albeit an hour late.

I needed to massively decompress, so I didn't read or answer my demanding friend's messages (I checked they weren't urgent but they weren't) and went off for my walk.

My friend then text again to ask if I was ok. At this point I lied.

I told her I had cancelled my walk with my other friend and was still stuck working,

I know I shouldn't have lied...I know. I was just tired and needed to not read and reply to her stream of consciousness from the day. I wanted a quiet walk with a calming friend.

This would've been fine and would've given me a much needed breather and break from the screen, except what I didn't know is that she'd already called my au pair (!!!!) to ask where I was (under the guise of checking if I was ok as she hadn't heard from me for hours). My au pair told her I'd gone out for a walk with my other friend, thus revealing my lie.

She sent me a message after to say how hurtful it was that I'd gone out but hadn't replied to her and accusing me of lying (which I was). I managed to convince her the au pair had her wires crossed, but not sure she believed me. I should've confessed right away but my brain was just fried from work and completely blown away that she'd checked up on me, despite knowing exactly where I was and that I was snowed under

I now have to deal with this tomorrow. Both the fact I lied AND the fact that I'm overwhelmed and disturbed that she checked up on me.

AIBU to know I shouldn't have lied but to think this was crazy behaviour on her part?

How would you handle this now? I'm dreading that I have to deal with this when I talk to her next.

This is the second time she's had the hump because I've been too distracted with work (and she's a career woman herself so this really surprises me).

[AmberItsACertainty]

Every time she throws a tantrum, you are getting back to her trying to fix the situation: stop this too!

This. Stop explaining yourself. You've already explained to her multiple times. She either gets it or she doesn't. It's not your fault or problem if she's incapable of understanding.

It feels like she's saying 'if I have to respect your boundaries, we can't be friends'.

This is exactly what she's saying. She hasn't apologised or accepted that she bahaved badly in any way. And she's still trying to manipulate you right to the end. You don't have to get back to her either way. You can choose to ignore, delete and block. It's upto you.

[crazyandbeyonce]

I responded to her about 15 hours after she sent her message, because I felt I wanted to state my point.

I reiterated that she had no reason to think I was in any danger and that I felt extremely frustrated that she'd ignored the fact I'd told her multiple times how busy work was and how many hours I'd worked so far that weeks

I said if she genuinely thought it I was in danger, calling my au pair was reasonable. However, if she'd really respected what I'd said and listened to what I'd been telling her, she'd have had no reason to think I was in danger.

I set my boundaries clearly - that I could not and would not be texting during work and that after a busy day, I may want to be away from my phone. I said I would respect her decision if she therefore no longer wanted to be friends on that basis.

[justilou1]

There is zero chance that this is the last you’re going to hear from her. She thinks that the threat of removing herself from your life will instil the same amount of attention that inspires her to call you 12846583 times per day when you do not respond immediately. The best way to push back with these people is to be VERY blunt. Don’t explain yourself. “Good. Don’t contact me again.” is potentially clear enough. If you want to, “That’s fine. I hope you find someone who has the time and space available to give you the attention that you need. In the meantime, if you are that desperate that you need to speak to someone who has made it VERY clear that they are not available, please try calling the Samaritans instead. Here is their number :”

[justilou1]

*will instill the same amount of need for attention that drives them to call you...

[ContessaDiPulpo]

It feels like she's saying 'if I have to respect your boundaries, we can't be friends'.

I think I'd have pointed out the above to her and asked her not to contact me again, tbh! She sounds exhausting!

[Templetree]

She thought you were in danger ?
When she knew you were at work?
Shes trying to make herself "the victim"
You called her out and her response is to say she thought you were in danger and so you are being so awful to her blah blah
Bullshit!
Op she really overstepped your boundary and is now trying to justify it.

feels like she's saying 'if I have to respect your boundaries, we can't be friends'

This is exactly what she is doing.
I would let this one go Im afraid.
She wont stop and will continue to whip up drama.

[WildfirePonie]

So much drama. Imagine life without wasting so much emotional time and energy.

Set yourself free OP.

Hit that bock option.

[Sodamncaughtinthemiddle]

Shes not a friend she's an emotionally draining stalker

[YukoandHiro]

I think you should say exactly that: "I'm sorry you're hurt, but if you read your messages back you're clearly saying we can only be friends if you don't have to respect my boundaries. I'm afraid that's not a definition of adult friendship I recognise, and it's disappointing to discover you feel that way"

Then leave it to her. She'll either take a good look at herself, or you will be freed from this nonsense.

[sonjadog]

She will now write back in a tantrum and end your friendship. In about ten days she will get in contact again like nothing has happened. If she really is a good friend who has lost her marbles temporarily, she will have reflected in the meantime and realized she was out of order and be more considerate in future.

[LannieDuck]

It sounds like you're dealing with it well, and I agree with your conclusion that this is just too insane.

Step away, establish boundaries that work for you, and if your friend is willing to work within them then maybe you can continue to have a friendship with her.

[pictish]

@YukoandHiro

I think you should say exactly that: "I'm sorry you're hurt, but if you read your messages back you're clearly saying we can only be friends if you don't have to respect my boundaries. I'm afraid that's not a definition of adult friendship I recognise, and it's disappointing to discover you feel that way"

Then leave it to her. She'll either take a good look at herself, or you will be freed from this nonsense.

Pretty much this, yep.
I agree that she’s telling you that you can’t be friends if she has to respect your boundaries and when it comes to our day jobs we all know the script there - I’m too busy means exactly that. She’s a bam.

[crazyandbeyonce]

@YukoandHiro

I think you should say exactly that: "I'm sorry you're hurt, but if you read your messages back you're clearly saying we can only be friends if you don't have to respect my boundaries. I'm afraid that's not a definition of adult friendship I recognise, and it's disappointing to discover you feel that way"

Then leave it to her. She'll either take a good look at herself, or you will be freed from this nonsense.

I said pretty much this. That if she felt my boundaries meant she couldn't be friends with me then I'd respect that decision.

She then apologised.

I need a long while to cool down though before I can chat with her again.

[YukoandHiro]

I don't blame you OP - take as long as you need. Maybe a good time to reconnect with other less intense friendships and give her time to reflect.

[YukoandHiro]

Ps: if you do start chatting to her again, in time maybe suggest that if she really was worried for your safety it suggests she really needs some support managing her anxiety, and that she should look into CBT etc. If she was bullshitting it will stop anything like this escalating again. If she wasn't she really does need help and you're being a good friend suggesting it

[JesusHRooseveltChristAgain]

Sounds like a very sensible resolution @crazyandbeyonce. She has apologised so maybe she'll take time to reflect on her behaviour and change it.
It's OK for you to want to take time before chatting again.

[DuckbilledSplatterPuff]

@JesusHRooseveltChristAgain

Sounds like a very sensible resolution *@crazyandbeyonce*. She has apologised so maybe she'll take time to reflect on her behaviour and change it.
It's OK for you to want to take time before chatting again.

Agreed.
I think you handled it really well, and made her recognise that stamping her foot would not work,
but I have a feeling that she may think making the giant concession of apologising has wiped the slate clean, so I think that you may have to keep firm boundaries installed for some time.
Also, the way you've handled it means that seeing mutual friends and occasionally running into her will be much easier.

[BlueThistles]

this is a weird controlling manipulative coercive friendship from the outside looking in.. it's not a healthy relationship OP.. you do right stepping back.... well done...

what do you do for a living that would make her believe you were even remotely in danger ???

[sst1234]

How do people let friendships get to a point where they start to become overbearing. OP, honestly toughen up and tell her when you need to yourself, reply to messages only when you want. Answer the phone only when you want. Don’t feel the need to lie, friends are not supposed to drain your energy.

[Paprilka701]

@sst1234

How do people let friendships get to a point where they start to become overbearing. OP, honestly toughen up and tell her when you need to yourself, reply to messages only when you want. Answer the phone only when you want. Don’t feel the need to lie, friends are not supposed to drain your energy.

Because some people have the hide of a rhinoceros and aren't sensitive to gentle hints, or even clear statements.

The op made it clear to her friend she was stressed out with work and anyone with half a brain cell would not have texted or called again for a few days, or would have waited until the op called back. If a friend doesn't take the hint from that, then they are downright rude, insensitive and self-obsessed, therefore it's not the op's fault , or her responsibility, to have to spell it out even more bluntly.

Op you need to have a word and say you can no longer handle the level of friendship that she is expecting from you (and probably not many people could!) and that is why you lied. Also that she massively overstepped the mark by interrogating your au pair, that you have a right to privacy. Maybe steer the conversation around to maybe there being something in her life that makes her so needy and maybe she needs professional support with that, but politely state that you can't handle it any longer. Good luck

[PandemicAtTheDisco]

@sst1234

How do people let friendships get to a point where they start to become overbearing. OP, honestly toughen up and tell her when you need to yourself, reply to messages only when you want. Answer the phone only when you want. Don’t feel the need to lie, friends are not supposed to drain your energy.

I think this last year has made a huge difference in just how much people will tolerate and friendships are being reexamined.

I replied to the stupid, toddler sentences as advised. Several times. She then had a huge tantrum that I wasn't being there for her whilst I was working and then posted the PA facebook comments about 'Good Friends'.

It really is about reinforcing boundaries about what you find unacceptable.

[AmberItsACertainty]

How do people let friendships get to a point where they start to become overbearing. OP, honestly toughen up

The same way people end up in any abusive relationship. The nasty person is rarely a total arse from day one, the person on the receiving end often has poor boundaries to some extent and the nasty one works to dismantle them further. The nasty one does it gradually, getting worse and worse slowly over time in miniscule ways that aren't immediately obvious, until the other person is so wrapped up in passifying them on a regular basis that they don't have time to stop and think about the situation. They aren't given a minutes peace to realise/remember what that feels like. So they don't realise they're possibly in a bad situation until it's so awful they're questioning their own sanity and doubting themselves over what's reasonable and what isn't. It can happen to anyone, even tough people.

[Hidinginstaircupboard]

crazyandbeyonce
I think you are dealing with this very well. I have followed from the start and felt very sad for you. Totally get that she's usually a good friend who doesn't hear no, when you say it,
Be strong and be philosophically kind. Please take your time and stick to your reasonable boundaries

I wish you all the best x

[Notaroadrunner]

After all that drama I'd just end the friendship. She's a drain. She's given you an out - grab it with both hands or you'll be back to square one in no time with her bombarding you with texts, whinging, guilt trips etc. Nobody needs that kind of 'friend'.

[thepeopleversuswork]

How do people let friendships get to a point where they start to become overbearing. OP, honestly toughen up

I can totally relate to this: I have a friend who is similar.

Haven't RTFT but most of what I've read is very sensible: but just to say I think sometimes this happens when long friendships evolve.

The sorts of female friendships you acquire in your teens and early 20s can be very emotionally intense almost like romantic relationships and its quite easy to slip into co-dependency, particularly if you don't have a partner.

Over time, in most cases, these settle into something with more distance and boundaries. Inevitably as people move away, get more serious jobs and get married or into long-term relationships and have children, that level of emotional intensity isn't sustainable and most people step back a bit. If the friendship is good, it will usually adapt.

My friend has never settled down, hasn't had a serious relationship for over 20 years (through choice) and doesn't have children. She still funnels the same level of emotional energy into female friendships that she did when we were in our 20s. It led to a lot of situations like this and a lot of arguments.

Over time she has come to accept that she has to step back a bit and, after a rough period when my DD was small, our friendship is good, more distanced but in a healthy way.

You can get past this OP but you have to hold the line and ensure that she understands that this level of intensity is not something one can reasonably expect between two adult women.