Or is my friend really overstepping?

[crazyandbeyonce]

I work a super high stress job. It can be quiet at times but when it flares up, I can work 16 hour days with barely a chance to breathe. This week has been like that.

I have a very very close but very demanding friend. She's wonderful but she is in touch A LOT.

This is usually fine and we chat throughout the day but today I told her I literally couldn't chat because I was absolutely snowed under. I don't think I've had a work week so stressful for years.

Nonetheless my friend messaged me incessantly all day. I replied several times to reiterate that I wasn't ignoring her but really couldn't talk. I was close to tears with work stress today.

I was due to go for a walk with another friend after work and did manage to get to it, albeit an hour late.

I needed to massively decompress, so I didn't read or answer my demanding friend's messages (I checked they weren't urgent but they weren't) and went off for my walk.

My friend then text again to ask if I was ok. At this point I lied.

I told her I had cancelled my walk with my other friend and was still stuck working,

I know I shouldn't have lied...I know. I was just tired and needed to not read and reply to her stream of consciousness from the day. I wanted a quiet walk with a calming friend.

This would've been fine and would've given me a much needed breather and break from the screen, except what I didn't know is that she'd already called my au pair (!!!!) to ask where I was (under the guise of checking if I was ok as she hadn't heard from me for hours). My au pair told her I'd gone out for a walk with my other friend, thus revealing my lie.

She sent me a message after to say how hurtful it was that I'd gone out but hadn't replied to her and accusing me of lying (which I was). I managed to convince her the au pair had her wires crossed, but not sure she believed me. I should've confessed right away but my brain was just fried from work and completely blown away that she'd checked up on me, despite knowing exactly where I was and that I was snowed under

I now have to deal with this tomorrow. Both the fact I lied AND the fact that I'm overwhelmed and disturbed that she checked up on me.

AIBU to know I shouldn't have lied but to think this was crazy behaviour on her part?

How would you handle this now? I'm dreading that I have to deal with this when I talk to her next.

This is the second time she's had the hump because I've been too distracted with work (and she's a career woman herself so this really surprises me).

[DPotter]

Leave well alone. Why should you respond to such a tantrum ? She's told you she doesn't want to see you - fine, so be it, what a good idea.

Tantrums should be ignored - responding to them only re-enforces the behaviour and opens up your boundaries to being abused.

[NoseinBook3]

for you OP. That sounds terribly stressful

[Thisseatisnotavailable]

She'll be back. Either block her, or at least mute her. Do you need your phone on for work, can you turn it off or put on Do Not Disturb?

[BuiltForComfortNotForSpeed]

You really don't need to reply, it'll just start her off again. Enjoy the peace and the chance to work uninterrupted.

[BadNomad]

You said yourself you normally reply to her throughout the day so maybe she really was just worried when she hadn't heard from you for hours, especially when she knew you were supposed to be going for a walk and she still hadn't heard from you. What if something had happened to you, how would she know without asking someone who would know...like the au pair.

Is she actually demanding or is it you who feels obligated to reply right away? Because you don't have to do that. That's the great thing about texting. You were mean to lie. What was the point of that.

[PuppyMonkeyBaby]

Is it really the friend’s “job” to be THAT worried?

Caring or not, that’s at an obsessional level and really not normal in a healthy friendship.

[PuppyMonkeyBaby]

Plus OP told her friend SEVERAL times throughout the days that she was too busy to chat with her friend. The normal way to behave would be to think that friend is too busy to chat and wait for friend to get in touch, not to think that she’d been crushed to death by the photocopier.

[rainyskylight]

OP I am hoping you are at last getting some sleep and you aren’t still awake worrying about this. This really isn’t your fault, you did your best. Everything will work out in the end. I hope your day tomorrow goes ok .

[Smileandtheworldsmileswithyou]

She sounds like a lunatic. Leave her to her tantrums and get on with your life. She has been acting like a baby.

[PerveenMistry]

I'd dump her. Who needs someone so clingy and selfish?

Will bet that when you've been free of her obnoxious messages for several days you'll wonder why you ever tolerated it. Keep us posted, please. I'm interested to know how you get on.

[Shnuffles]

She sounds far too demanding. More like a clingy partner than a friend.

It's probably good to give yourself a break from her before attempting any reconciliation, if you do decide to reply. I wouldn't apologise. Technically, you shouldn't have lied, but she seems like the type who wouldn't have accepted the truth, anyway, so it's not surprising you decided to just avoid her for a while.

If you'd explained that you were wiped out by a terribly difficult day and just needed a walk and some time to decompress, she probably still would've been angry with you for not immediately replying to all her previous texts. A reasonable friend wouldn't have continued to hound you after you'd expressed what a challenging day you were having.

You may be better off without her, even if she is an old friend. Not all old friends are good friends.

[1forAll74]

Good grief, has she got some kind of texting addiction, this would drive me mad.I would not answer her calls or texts at all. I wouldn't bother if you lied to her, as she sounds like a nuisance big time.

[cherrytree63]

I've just ended a friendship over an almost identical situation as yours, except it was my partner she started ringing, not au pair.
I was feeling guilty and that maybe I'd behaved badly but these replies have reassured me it was the right thing to do.

[PyongyangKipperbang]

I agree that you need to stop replying to her.

Set your working hours, when you are unavailable to her, and stick to them. Tell her ONCE that you will not be responding between (say) 6am and 8pm, and only outside those hours if you can. And do not get drawn in. She is controlling and needy, you dont need that shit.

And a reminder that you have other friends too wouldnt go amiss!

[CoffeeAndEnnui]

I have a friend who behaves very much like this. She is a lovely, generous, kind-hearted person but she has BPD (I am not diagnosing your friend, just explaining my circumstances) and her anxiety and need to deal with things the moment they pop into her head can make things trying. She simply cannot identify appropriate levels of contact when her stress levels are high.

Now (after a few years of going round in frustrating circles) I have found a reasonable balance between providing the reassurance she needs and keeping my own marbles intact by setting super clear boundaries and sticking to them, eg. I can hear that is important to you and this is when I will be able to talk about it. I cannot give you time now.

There have still been times when I have had to step away or we have 'fallen out' because she has been upset by me refusing to go back over the same ground for the hundredth time (online dating was a fucking nightmare, analysing every conversation nearly finished me off) but I stuck to my guns and the message of "You matter but I matter too!" finally got through. It's a lot easier now.

[Changedname476]

OP, you don't need to do anything. Enjoy the peace
Focus on work, chat after work with friends that make you smile and feel peaceful, not this Drama Queen (maybe now ex) friend.

I doubt she'll be able to leave it long after her flounce (of 'never wanting to speak to you again').... ssshhh but if you don't play the chase after her game, and leave it be,... If she's a genuine good friend, she'll reflect and find a way to make up in a few weeks. And your friendship will be better for it, as you can say you love her "but when you say stop you're busy she stops"

If she continues a grudge, then she's really not the good friend you thought her. Meh, the lie was hardly horrid was it, you found her harassing you too much and lied to spare her feelings to get a short break, white lie not a "no I didn't sleep with your fiancé " lie

FGS stop reading/texting on your personal phone during work hours. If you say your busy, then don't read anymore from that person. Turn off your notifications that day. You can also temporarily block someone's number for texts on your phone in contacts
You only need to send (or receive) one text as a friend next time...
'too busy, chat tonight or another day"

[SarahBellam]

Lay the facts on the line:

You send me an excessive number of texts every day
If I don’t respond you send follow up texts even though you know I’m at work
You’re phoning my au pair to check up on me

This is not normal behaviour. You are in a controlling relationship with your friend. You absolutely do not have to justify going for a walk with another friend. You should not feel you have to lie to get her off your back. I would be very unsurprised if this is a pattern of behaviour and previous friendships have broken up for similar reasons.

[Changedname476]

I'm of the view that sometimes the best thing to say is nothing, after your first text saying "snowed under really busy, can't chat" or however you phrased it.

You can't undo it now, other than follow advice that best suits you from that given by multiple PPs

But this is a good watershed moment for you to realise you tied yourself up in knots over reading further texts when you didn't need to and getting drawn in, over explaining when the simple action of not responding after your first text as you were too busy was the kindest and clearest.

There is no requirement or rule that you have to respond to and read each text that day from your DFriend when you are busy. I'm guessing you are self employed? If you were working in a company and constantly replying to personal messages during busy work times, unless it was an emergency, your manager would be discussing this in supervision about boundaries.

Just because you're self employed doesn't mean your work time and focus isn't equally important & ought be respected. Same as your emotional well-being in your off work times.

[FOJN]

I didn't reply at all! I had neither the time nor the energy to address it. I should do but I'm glad of the peace for a bit meanwhile.

Why do you feel you should reply? Her behaviour really overstepped a boundary it wasn't caring, no matter what she thinks or says. You've made your point, she doesn't like it but that's is not your problem.

Contacting her will send absolutely the wrong message, she may interpret it as you backing down and her demanding behaviour will continue unchanged. The ball is in her court, leave her to process what you have said. If she still wants a friendship but thinks you are in the wrong then you will have to decide if you have the energy to cope with her demands or would rather let this friendship go.

[violetbunny]

She sounds like she has some kind of personality disorder which means she seeks attention from you constantly and has no idea of boundaries. Is she actually a genuine friend to you OP?

[Whatapalavaa]

You sound like you have very poor boundaries. Your friend is out of order but take this as a lesson.

[pictish]

What is a ‘very very close friend’? I have a handful of close friends but no very very close friends. No friends who would be texting me throughout my working day on the regular with a stream of consciousness I am expected to respond to. I am at work you see...it’s not appropriate. None of my close friends do this. I don’t think I want a very very close friend. Sounds hard work.

[thosetalesofunexpected]

Is your weird /very Needy/manipulative friend name called Emma by any chance then?

She sounds very familar ,

Oh does she have tendancey reptuation to be a free loader, aswell?

[Standrewsschool]

You need to be tougher and don’t feel guilty if you don’t respond to every text.

If you’re busy, then tell her. If she continues to text, maybe reply once saying that you’re busy and won’t be able to contact her again until this evening, then ignore all future texts. If she gets huffy, so be it. Her life is not your responsibilty.

[Cherrysoup]

She’s acting more like your partner than your friend. Controlling, phoning the au pair to find out where you are?! Dear lord, that’s horrific.