Or is my friend really overstepping?

[crazyandbeyonce]

I work a super high stress job. It can be quiet at times but when it flares up, I can work 16 hour days with barely a chance to breathe. This week has been like that.

I have a very very close but very demanding friend. She's wonderful but she is in touch A LOT.

This is usually fine and we chat throughout the day but today I told her I literally couldn't chat because I was absolutely snowed under. I don't think I've had a work week so stressful for years.

Nonetheless my friend messaged me incessantly all day. I replied several times to reiterate that I wasn't ignoring her but really couldn't talk. I was close to tears with work stress today.

I was due to go for a walk with another friend after work and did manage to get to it, albeit an hour late.

I needed to massively decompress, so I didn't read or answer my demanding friend's messages (I checked they weren't urgent but they weren't) and went off for my walk.

My friend then text again to ask if I was ok. At this point I lied.

I told her I had cancelled my walk with my other friend and was still stuck working,

I know I shouldn't have lied...I know. I was just tired and needed to not read and reply to her stream of consciousness from the day. I wanted a quiet walk with a calming friend.

This would've been fine and would've given me a much needed breather and break from the screen, except what I didn't know is that she'd already called my au pair (!!!!) to ask where I was (under the guise of checking if I was ok as she hadn't heard from me for hours). My au pair told her I'd gone out for a walk with my other friend, thus revealing my lie.

She sent me a message after to say how hurtful it was that I'd gone out but hadn't replied to her and accusing me of lying (which I was). I managed to convince her the au pair had her wires crossed, but not sure she believed me. I should've confessed right away but my brain was just fried from work and completely blown away that she'd checked up on me, despite knowing exactly where I was and that I was snowed under

I now have to deal with this tomorrow. Both the fact I lied AND the fact that I'm overwhelmed and disturbed that she checked up on me.

AIBU to know I shouldn't have lied but to think this was crazy behaviour on her part?

How would you handle this now? I'm dreading that I have to deal with this when I talk to her next.

This is the second time she's had the hump because I've been too distracted with work (and she's a career woman herself so this really surprises me).

[backinthespareroom]

Go and google codependency. She sounds weird as shit. Enforce the boundary and don't pick up next time. I'm busy, I can't speak right now. Bye. Put phone down!

[QueenOfLabradors]

If this was in Relationships and OP's partner was the one doing this level of messaging and demanding instant responses during the working day, most of us would be using the word 'controlling' in our replies!

[NeedToKnow101]

Omg she's a nightmare. How dare she call your au pair to check up on you. You've don't nothing wrong.

Just stop responding to her texts so frequently to train her out of expecting a quick response. And yes I agree with PP to let her know her constant messaging is causing extra stress.

[isitsafetocomeoutyet]

I feel quite claustrophobic just reading this

I agree send that text about she wasn't listening.

Then if she persists do not reply at all. You're busy. You've told her this already.

Does she have any other friends? Is she always like this?

[2bazookas]

Admit you lied (twice). Then tell her why

" When I am exceptionally busy at work I just cannot deal with repeated social calls. I explained that but you didn't stop, on and on and on. You exhuasted my patience . I lied to shut you up and get some peace. "

[willloman]

Run!

[dudsville]

I'd tell her why I lied and then apologise for lying, then explain you felt too pressured and then depending on how that conversation went I might take my distance.

[Luciferthecat666]

I felt suffocated just reading your post OP! Your friend has no boundaries and sounds very demanding I can't believe she called your au pair to check up on you. Has your friend got form for this behaviour? Does she play the emotional guilt card? I had a friend like that incessant messages whilst I was working and soon as I finished I'd get phone calls and if I didn't answer she'd write on my social media or contact my other friends asking if they'd heard from me claiming she was worried about me because I wasn't answering but soon as she spoke to me she'd throw a tantrum because she doesn't like being ignored. I ended up lying about my shifts and days off because of the incessant contact. You shouldn't have to lie OP you're not responsible nor obligated to meet her expections because she's demanding normal friends don't overstep like that.

I'd be blunt with her OP tell her you were busy at work and couldn't reply, you'd had a stressful shift and wanted to relax and her inccessant texts/calls were overstepping your boundaries. Don't feel guilty or apologise as that will make her think her behaviour is acceptable and it absolutely isn't. Tell her if she continues you will be blocking her. I'd also tell her that conacting your au pair is inappropriate and if she does it again you will not respond to her at all as that is massively disrespecting your boundaries!! Also tell your au pair if she contacts her again to ignore the calls or simply say you're busy with no explanation. You don't owe your friend any justifications or explanations she's not your boss or mother you don't have to answer to her so don't allow her to trample all over your boundaries.

[Luciferthecat666]

@QueenOfLabradors

If this was in Relationships and OP's partner was the one doing this level of messaging and demanding instant responses during the working day, most of us would be using the word 'controlling' in our replies!

Exactly! I 100% agree with this post

[CallistoSol]

How have you not told her to fuck off out of your face yet? You must have the patience of a saint.

[SemperIdem]

I had a male friend who became like this. It ultimately got too much. After a very honest conversation during which my boundaries were clearly stated,he chose to ignore them. I blocked him entirely and haven’t spoken to him for over a year. Probably never will again. People like this are smothering and their refusal to respect boundaries is outright weird.

[misskatamari]

Oh god, she sound so draining. Yes lying wasn't great but I completely understand why you did. Like others suggest, I would be honest. Her behaviour is suffocating and she isn't listening to you or respecting you when you tell her you aren't available. I would be having a frank discussion, telling her what I was willing to accept in terms of contact, and if she still keeps badgering your and not listening when you tell her, very clearly, that you are busy, then I would be stepping back from the friendship. She is expecting an absolutely crazy level of contact! Like seriously, wtf, what grown adult expects to be attached to their phone messaging friends all day every day?!

[Neolara]

"To be honest I would tell the truth, that you are overworked and stressed at the moment, that you simply can’t cope with her incessant contact and whilst you are sorry you lied you needed to a) get out of the house and b) just have some peace from her"

This.

[katy1213]

Tell her the truth, that's she's a nuisance caller - and block her number.

[FOJN]

Your friend doesn't respect your boundaries but you did not enforce the one you set. You told her you were busy and did not have time to respond to her but then did so to reassure her you weren't ignoring her, now she knows that no matter what you say she can get a response if she hassles you often enough.

She feels like an added stress because you feel the need to appease her, she is a grown woman responsible for herself, it is not your job to make sure such a demanding person doesn't feel ignored or rejected. Set your boundaries and stick to them.

Having said all that I would be pissed off a perturbed about her checking up on me, it is not mature or healthy behaviour (it's quite stalkerish) , neither are her constant text messages, and I would find some headspace to draft a message telling her as much and ending the friendship and then block her on all channels of communication.

[JesusHRooseveltChristAgain]

To be honest I'd only answer her once a day. I couldn't be dealing with the neediness and all that drama!
Checking up on you via your au pair??? I'd be majorly pissed off!

[Quartz2208]

Yes she overstepped this sounds actually very controlling that she needs you to account for every second of your day. She has no respect for your boundaries at all and now when you have pushed back it is you who is feeling guilty like you did something wrong.

[Onjnmoeiejducwoapy]

I would absolutely not be apologising to her, she called the au pair?!? WTF. She’s acting like a psycho and disrespecting your boundaries. She’s making you feel like you have to lie about where you are because she’s breathing down your neck like an a dive ex boyfriend?!

I would tell her I lied because it was between that and just straight up blocking her. That I have my own life and when I say I’m busy, that’s not an invitation to keep harassing.

[AmberItsACertainty]

You don't have to deal with this tomorrow. You can delete and block, moving forward with life without her demanding presence in it. If this is a personal phone try turning it off while you're at work and not answering it if you're busy with something in your downtime. You don't need to be instantly accessible to all people, or even to any people! It wasn't so long ago mobile phones didn't exist, the world didn't stop turning and people's lives didn't cave in because they couldn't instantly get hold of their preferred problem-solver.

[Heyahun]

Oh for gods sake she sounds nuts ! Just block her or mute her temporarily and take a break you don’t have to explain yourself to her

[Lochmorlich]

I wouldn’t be worried about lying because at this point I would be seriously considering blocking this woman.
She’s worse than a jail keeper!

[HollowTalk]

I just don't understand why you didn't mute the notifications, OP. Did you feel you couldn't do that, for some reason?

[Grilledaubergines]

Friendships should enhance your life. You don’t owe her any explanation. You are free to do as you like with your time.

Tell her straight. You wouldn’t have felt backed in to lying about your whereabouts if she wasn’t on your tail.

[sonjadog]

I think that as she is a close friend, you should tell her straight how this makes you feel and give her some clear boundaries. It might be best to end texting during the working day completely rather than saying some days it is okay and some not. I would try giving her clear boundaries to follow first, and see what happens. If she can't respect them, then maybe you need to rethink the friendship.

[Storingeggs]

I would have told her I was busy then not answered anything else. There’s no need to be mean, just stick to your boundaries. You could have suggested a future time to talk to indicate willingness. Have you turned your notifications off for email/WhatsApp/ all the others? I used to feel stressed anytime I heard the notifications- turning them off was a relief!