Or is my friend really overstepping?

[crazyandbeyonce]

I work a super high stress job. It can be quiet at times but when it flares up, I can work 16 hour days with barely a chance to breathe. This week has been like that.

I have a very very close but very demanding friend. She's wonderful but she is in touch A LOT.

This is usually fine and we chat throughout the day but today I told her I literally couldn't chat because I was absolutely snowed under. I don't think I've had a work week so stressful for years.

Nonetheless my friend messaged me incessantly all day. I replied several times to reiterate that I wasn't ignoring her but really couldn't talk. I was close to tears with work stress today.

I was due to go for a walk with another friend after work and did manage to get to it, albeit an hour late.

I needed to massively decompress, so I didn't read or answer my demanding friend's messages (I checked they weren't urgent but they weren't) and went off for my walk.

My friend then text again to ask if I was ok. At this point I lied.

I told her I had cancelled my walk with my other friend and was still stuck working,

I know I shouldn't have lied...I know. I was just tired and needed to not read and reply to her stream of consciousness from the day. I wanted a quiet walk with a calming friend.

This would've been fine and would've given me a much needed breather and break from the screen, except what I didn't know is that she'd already called my au pair (!!!!) to ask where I was (under the guise of checking if I was ok as she hadn't heard from me for hours). My au pair told her I'd gone out for a walk with my other friend, thus revealing my lie.

She sent me a message after to say how hurtful it was that I'd gone out but hadn't replied to her and accusing me of lying (which I was). I managed to convince her the au pair had her wires crossed, but not sure she believed me. I should've confessed right away but my brain was just fried from work and completely blown away that she'd checked up on me, despite knowing exactly where I was and that I was snowed under

I now have to deal with this tomorrow. Both the fact I lied AND the fact that I'm overwhelmed and disturbed that she checked up on me.

AIBU to know I shouldn't have lied but to think this was crazy behaviour on her part?

How would you handle this now? I'm dreading that I have to deal with this when I talk to her next.

This is the second time she's had the hump because I've been too distracted with work (and she's a career woman herself so this really surprises me).

[Lizadork]

Lies not so good.

Would have been best to say once that you are busy and then ignore all further texts/calls until ready.

Boundaries. Say once and move on.

If I'm busy, i don't always offer explanation.

[Dunkindonuts8]

@crazyandbeyonce hi OP I was just thinking about your situation and wondering how things had been x

[Sssloou]

I think you have weak boundaries (which you are starting to reinforce with this first confrontation) ...... and this type of character is totally exploiting you - know that she isn’t doing this to others because they have firmed the boundary.

YOU don’t need someone so dominant in your life because YOU can’t cope with her - you are just not compatible. YOU don’t have to be able to cope with her - many of us give people like her the swerve.

FOG (fear obligation guilt) trap you in confused relationship - you should always check your motivation / emotion and if any of the FOG feelings are there then KNOW that any actions by you are compromising your true gut feelings and that’s why you feel conflicted. Never do anything because of FOG.

[Sssloou]

Her “apology” was a manipulative guilt trip so that you kept the door open to her batshit behaviour.

Know that.

That’s why you feel conflicted - because her “apology” was not genuine as evidenced by her actions the next morning - but you have been manipulated to self doubt.

[LookItsMeAgain]

You need to put a stop to this now.
She has no idea how this constant badgering is affecting you.
It's like a little child tapping constantly on their parent's shoulder looking for their attention and it is relentless. I agree with @notanothertakeaway when the friend thinks that everything is back to normal now. Except it isn't.

You need to spell it out for her as previous attempts at keeping this civil and polite haven't worked up to now.
You need to say something like:
"I've tried to be polite up to now, and civil. Please stop sending me so many text messages.
By the time I was ready for work today I had received X (give the exact number of messages she sent you) messages from you. While I like you and I want to stay friends with you, this constant need to text me is impacting on my mental health and feel that the friendship cannot continue in the way it has. I feel pressured by you into replying and I cannot give you the attention that you are clearly desperate for. Even following our chat on Y date you said that you would respect my boundaries but you don't seem to have any real idea how to do that. So, I'm telling you that if you send me this volume of texts going forward, I will be left with no option but to block your number on my phone. It's not something that I want to do but something that I feel I have to do for my mental health. Please respect my wishes."

[NoseinBook3]

@crazyandbeyonce

Oops. Didn't change my SN below but that is also me. Have reported so hopefully MN will delete (but no big deal if not)....

Well, to share an update - she apologised and then we went for some dinner to clear the air.

She was unexpectedly humble, apologetic and admitted she was dealing with some issues that had led to her behaviour. She said she knew her reaction had been a reflection on her and not on me.

All that was great and I was glad it was settled.

What I'm now struggling with though, is that the time away from her gave me perspective on how exhausting I find her level of contact. I'm finding it easy to stick to my guns during the working day, as I've clearly set that boundary now.

However, before I'd woken up this morning, I had more than 10 messages from her (all just random musings) and I hadn't realised before how much I don't enjoy that.

Now I am thinking about how I reduce that down significantly.

In the few seconds it's taken me to write this, I've had 7 more messages from her.

Tell her to get a diary. That’s what they are for

[FOJN]

Your friend is very needy but you are really not helping and your inconsistency is quite unkind. How are you going to reset her expectations if you keep replying to her messages. Perhaps it felt convenient to do so this morning but did 10 messages not give you pause for thought. The number of messages might seem reasonable to her and by replying you have effectively concurred.

It's easy for boundaries to be eroded in longer friendships and relationships, we tolerate behaviours we would not have put up with when we first meet someone, you had a conversation with her to address this issue. It must have been very difficult for your friend to hear that her behaviour was so annoying you felt compelled to lie to her and now you are repeating the pattern all over again. How hurt will she be when you cut contact because you were annoyed that she couldn't stick to a boundary you keep moving.

Ignoring her messages is kinder because it's consistent and manages her expectations so that they don't become unreasonable. If you can't be consistent then you should end the friendship before all parties are hurt and upset.

[notanothertakeaway]

OP, this is an opportunity to reset the friendship

You say you want her to back off, but then undermine yourself by replying to her messages

You need to think really carefully about the message you're giving her. She probavly thinks she apologised, you accepted her apology and it's back to business as usual

[WildfirePonie]

I would hate this, it's so intrusive and demanding of your time! I would block and have done to similar friends that demand my attention 24/7. I barely touch my phone nowadays, I don't have time to check messages all the time. I'm too busy living my life, so should you OP.

The amount of messages she sends is ridiculous. So you wake up and instantly she's got your attention.

She is basically stealing your time and getting inside your head so all you can think about is her and all her messages! And when to respond. And how to respond. Exhausting.

What about you? She doesn't care. She only cares about herself clearly.

Remember the last few days or so when you didn't have contact? You can have that again. She's not being a good friend at all.

[ChakaDakotaRegina]

It sounds like something is quite wrong with her at the moment. Is she sending them to all your other friends too? Can someone else take her on for a bit?

Constant messages is one thing but expecting a reply to each is needy mcneedsville. That’s like having someone just chatting away constantly in your ear. It’s a bit crying wolf too - It’s going to mean you miss any emergency messages from other people.

[sonjadog]

Ignore the messages during the working day. Answer one or two before and after. Refuse to be drawn into anything more. She will get the new routine for this.

[YukoandHiro]

I agree with PPs that you will now be able to reset slightly. She's apologised which means she'll also be realising that she's massively overstepped.

Don't reply often and ignore all the messages that are pointless musings about nothing.

Does she message you on WhatsApp? If so don't even read the messages as it will show her whether or not you've read them and if you haven't read them yet she can't expect a reply

[NeilBuchananisBanksy]

Her apology was meaningless op. She said sorry and then had started up the same pattern of behaviour again.

You need to stop responding. She's not listening to you. She's just glad you swallowed her apology and has you there as a text outlet again.

[23PissOffAvenueWF]

I'm very conflicted. I answered a couple of her messages this morning and she really is lovely and as much as she takes, she also gives. Lots of good listening and good advice on whatever it is I discuss with her.

In that case, you’re your own worst enemy! Not sure what you want us to advise...?

I’d be backing off on responding to the texts, since you’ve made a good point that she’s seemingly finally understood.

Or, you get sucked back in, right where you were before. Up to you.

[justilou1]

Airplane Mode or Do Not Disturb. Along with a very clearly worded “I thought we’d been though this”... kind of text. “I am not your thought processor. This is unreasonable and intrusive. I will not be responding to any of these messages until you learn to behave appropriately with your mobile phone and respect my boundaries as discussed. I am not available for your immediate gratification and never will be.”

[RandoPlan]

I have a friend like this. No matter how many times I say I'm busy she will text over and over and if I don't text back she starts asking if something's wrong. If I do answer her she ends the next message with a question to try and get me to answer.
Best thing to do is just switch off from her, flick the messages away and ignore. If she asks you why say you are spending less time on your phone and you won't be replying to messages straight away for a while. If I were you I'd just tell her you don't have time.
I sometimes feel mean because I know she's just trying to be friendly and she's probably a bit bored or lonely lately. But you have to put your own mental clarity first.

[mytwocentsworth]

@Notaroadrunner

At this hour of the night I'd ignore and leave them unread. She's a complete pita!

I'm not in the U.K.


I'm very conflicted. I answered a couple of her messages this morning and she really is lovely and as much as she takes, she also gives. Lots of good listening and good advice on whatever it is I discuss with her.

[Snowball70]

turn off the Notifications for her messages OP 🌺

[Notaroadrunner]

At this hour of the night I'd ignore and leave them unread. She's a complete pita!

[NovemberR]

She's batshit and far too much. I would ignore random messages.

In two days time I might text back something bland.

You need to re-set what is an acceptable level of contact for you from a friend. For me, personally, I don't think I speak to anyone except family more than once or twice a week.

[Notaroadrunner]

@mytwocentsworth

Well, to share an update - she apologised and then we went for some dinner to clear the air.

She was unexpectedly humble, apologetic and admitted she was dealing with some issues that had led to her behaviour. She said she knew her reaction had been a reflection on her and not on me.

All that was great and I was glad it was settled.

What I'm now struggling with though, is that the time away from her gave me perspective on how exhausting I find her level of contact. I'm finding it easy to stick to my guns during the working day, as I've clearly set that boundary now.

However, before I'd woken up this morning, I had more than 10 messages from her (all just random musings) and I hadn't realised before how much I don't enjoy that.

Now I am thinking about how I reduce that down significantly.

You just ignore them until the evening and then respond to one or 2, not all of them. And then don't get embroiled in a long winded chat if she starts sending more texts. Or just tell her you will ring her during the week and ignore further messages. If I call my friend and she can't take the call, she will send a quick message saying she'll call me on a certain day. Even if she doesn't get around to making that call, I don't make further contact. I respect the fact that she is busier than me and I wait for her to call. We certainly don't need to be in daily contact, sometimes not even once a week. Continue to keep to your boundaries. She knows how you feel so it's up to her to respect that.

[crazyandbeyonce]

Oops. Didn't change my SN below but that is also me. Have reported so hopefully MN will delete (but no big deal if not)....

Well, to share an update - she apologised and then we went for some dinner to clear the air.

She was unexpectedly humble, apologetic and admitted she was dealing with some issues that had led to her behaviour. She said she knew her reaction had been a reflection on her and not on me.

All that was great and I was glad it was settled.

What I'm now struggling with though, is that the time away from her gave me perspective on how exhausting I find her level of contact. I'm finding it easy to stick to my guns during the working day, as I've clearly set that boundary now.

However, before I'd woken up this morning, I had more than 10 messages from her (all just random musings) and I hadn't realised before how much I don't enjoy that.

Now I am thinking about how I reduce that down significantly.

In the few seconds it's taken me to write this, I've had 7 more messages from her.

[Stilsmiling]

Friendship is a two-way relationship that involves respect.
She feels you have not been there for her.
She seems unable to have accepted your many replies that you couldn’t give her the time she needed due to work. You could have muted the messages completely (and maybe that’s what you need to do from now on and let friends know?) but you checked there was no emergency. Surely an uncaring friend would have ignored completely?

Your work aren’t going to pay you to send messages to your friends.
So why is she a friend? Why does she turn to you when she needs something? I guess because you usually are good at listening and helping her manage whatever she has going on? Maybe she needs to consider that people can’t continually keep giving, that sometimes they just can’t, sometimes they have something other than one person that is draining their time and energy.
She needs to know that you would like to be able to have the time to listen to her but it’s just not possible, your job demands you to not be near her phone for long periods, it’s stressful and extremely busy so not the kind of situation to chat to a friend. If you tell her that you don’t have time it’s exactly that reason, you aren’t fobbing you off, your work don’t pay you to be distracted by friends.

You could equally be hurt that she hasn’t listened and appreciated your needs. It’s a two-way thing and sounds possibly like there has been more traffic in one direction in the past.
Do something to reset your head, you can’t control her reaction, just explain to her and the other friends if they ask.

[justilou1]

Yeah... I think we’ve established that there was no accountability for batshit, intrusive behaviour. The self-justification crafted into “concern for safety” was so transparently fake (hence the pushed agenda), that this was no apology. It was merely an “I am expressing how sorry I feel for myself because you did not respond to my many demands fo instant gratification!” diatribe.

[AmberItsACertainty]

I'm concerned about the apology TBH. What did she apologize for? Was there any understanding of her bad behaviour? Or was the apology just a general "sorry" when she realised she was at risk of losing you? I suspect there's every chance the apology isn't genuine and is just another manipulative tactic to keep you onside.

The whole thing reminds me of those stalker-like abusive romantic relationships where the baddie phones 50 times a day and the other person has to constantly text updates on their whereabouts and send pics.