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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

First mothers day disappointment

273 replies

Goodytoshoes · 03/03/2021 16:26

I feel so guilty for writing this.

My partner told me last night that he can't really afford to get me anything for mothers day and I told him I understood because finances are a bit tight at the moment. I mentioned I just wanted to spend it with my DC, but maybe I could pamper myself on the cheap as well by doing honey and sugar facemasks, and watch movies etc.

He knows there's a thing I wanted from my DC for mothers day, which is only £20, and I suggested that he could get me it when finances are better as a delayed mothers day present, and he said that was a good idea.

Everyone was happy!

Today arrives and something comes through the post for him. Turns out he spent £35 on a jacket for himself so he could start running again.

I don't begrudge him the jacket, and I'm delighted that he's getting back into his fitness. But I can't help feeling the tiniest bit hurt and I feel like such a bitch for feeling that way. AIBU?

OP posts:
Bouledeneige · 03/03/2021 21:58

I really don't get if. How old are your kids? It's about handmade stuff from them isn't it? Not gifts.

Bouledeneige · 03/03/2021 21:59

Sorry I just-read it's the first Mother's Day. I honestly think a card is enough. What's happened to the world - we need presents all the time?

Isthisit22 · 03/03/2021 22:01

Oh god- all the 'i just want a homemade card' brigade. It's about being appreciated. Her husband shows time and again that he doesn't appreciate her by not buying her presents for Christmas, etc. Are you really too thick to see this?

Isthisit22 · 03/03/2021 22:03

@Bouledeneige

Sorry I just-read it's the first Mother's Day. I honestly think a card is enough. What's happened to the world - we need presents all the time?
Did you even read the thread? He told her he had no money for something she wants then bought himself something he wants. And he's done it before multiple times. It is not helpful to try to make the OP feel grabby when this is about caring not material possessions.
Mary46 · 03/03/2021 22:04

Remember this when Fathers Day arrives!! Bit mean op. Treat yourself. He sounds selfish. Last March I headed out left them to it. I have teens. Decided I wasnt being their slave !!

AMMCIAC · 03/03/2021 22:06

I'm sorry OP but your OH sounds horrible. It's not ok for him to put his own needs before yours. Why so you let him treat you like this? It's not right.

Whythesadface · 03/03/2021 22:07

It's time you had THE chat with him.
I bet you got Daddy something from his child for Xmas and Father's Day if your Baby was born then.
So you tell him this.
DO your like getting gifts?
Ask him why.
Then you tell him, well you seem to think it's ok for me to buy for you from me and the baby, but it seems that you don't think you need to make any effort the other way round and that is NOT ok.
This is not about expensive gifts, in fact I would quiet like to set a limit.

Norwaydidnthappen · 03/03/2021 22:12

I’d buy myself the gift and get him naff all for Father’s Day. I am a passive aggressive shithead so I’d probably say nothing at all about it, wait for Father’s Day and buy myself something unnecessary a few days before.

Peace43 · 03/03/2021 22:22

You are behaving like a doormat. He has form for this shit? Why do his wants trump yours? He didn’t NEED the jacket he just wanted it. He could have waited, bought you a Mother’s Day present and then got his jacket in a month or two when things weren’t so tight. If your family disposable income for March is £35 you should be agreeing together how to spend it.

Wannabangbang · 03/03/2021 22:27

Treat yourself to it Op, you deserve it. Really horrible your dh pleaded the poverty song but spent much more on himself. Yanbu to be cheesed off, i completely get it. Mothers day is more than a week away he could have easily afforded it but no he chose to put himself first. Very disappointing

SinkGirl · 03/03/2021 22:27

[quote Xerochrysum]@SinkGirl, thanks for personal attack, that's lovely. Tbh, my dc was in and out of hospital when he was baby through his toddler life, I didn't really think of celebrating mothers day. So yeah, I enjoyed when he wanted to do it for me, well enough to go to the shops etc.

I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings, but please don't think your children are the only children, and you are only parents having difficulty in life.[/quote]
Yes, that’s definitely what I said. Perhaps rather than respond defensively, you could acknowledge that your limited view on this is upsetting to some.

I’m glad that your child is able to understand what Mothers Day is and want to get you something. I suppose I should just never celebrate it if they never get to a point where they understand what it is. Perhaps never. It’s not just you obviously - several other posters here who seem to think that only parents of children who are developing typically should get to celebrate Mother’s Day / Fathers Day. Which is pretty shit.

My twins were in and out of hospital too - my DH wanted to do something nice for me, after a very difficult first 6 months. I wanted to do something nice for him too. We’ve continued that way.

You’re the one being disdainful about how other people choose to celebrate these days, as if having a child who’s able to engage and understand these events is a necessary prerequisite to celebrating them.

DH is not my father but he’s a good one to our children - he deserves that to be recognised whether our kids understand it or not.

soditall56 · 03/03/2021 22:27

Jeeeees! Some of you are absolutely ruthless in your replies! Give the woman a break would you! It's her first Mother's Day and some of your replies will be making her feel like absolute shit the way your talking to her!

I also have a DH that is much the same, just not very thoughtful in the affectionate kind of way. Doesn't mean he doesn't love us.

I am also in a similar situation and if my first Mother's Day isn't celebrated and made a fuss over am fully being a martyr about it. Handle it as you like. If you want to wait and make him feel like shit then go for it!

YouKnowItsTrue · 03/03/2021 22:33

Maybe wait - if you confront him isn’t he likely to say he was going to get you the gift but you’ve spoiled the surprise?

Out of interest do you each buy gifts for your own mothers/fathers on these occasions?

MrMucker · 03/03/2021 22:33

YABU
If he told you last night he couldn't afford whatever for you, and his jacket arrived today, then obviously the jacket had already been ordered.
It's not as if he said no to your gift and then went and bought himself something.

Mylittlesandwich · 03/03/2021 22:35

If we're getting into the semantics' of why we celebrate Mother's Day and Father's Day on our children's behalf I see it like this. My DH is a great dad, at the moment SD has no concept of great dad/crap dad but I do. My own father is not worthy of the title. To keep the peace I buy the most formal card in Asda and stick in a chocolate bar if I'm feeling generous. My DH however has been a rock for me and DS through all of this lockdown nonsense and he deserves to have that 1 day set aside to celebrate that.

Ellpellwood · 03/03/2021 22:37

@MrMucker

YABU If he told you last night he couldn't afford whatever for you, and his jacket arrived today, then obviously the jacket had already been ordered. It's not as if he said no to your gift and then went and bought himself something.
Did they only decide this morning that Mother's Day was on the 14th March this year?
Workinghardeveryday · 03/03/2021 22:40

That’s selfish as shit. It was same here for years until I explained how it made me feel. I now get a lovely Christmas present and birthday present after years of nothing. You have to tell him!! They seriously are like children!! I really don’t think he did it to upset you, just men really are a different breed!! Years I spent feeling unappreciated and taken for granted until I calmly explained how it made me feel x

Henio · 03/03/2021 22:45

@littlepattilou

Not gonna lie, whether this is OTT or not, I would be looking for a gateway out of this relationship... NOW.

He sounds like a selfish, entitled prick.

And he will not change.

He will always keep his money to himself, and will always prioritise himself over you, and any babies you have with him.

I have seen WAY too many women in toxic relationships with entitled selfish narcissistic, self-absorbed men. They are practically kept in penury. Meanwhile he keeps all his money to himself, to fund his fancy car, his social life, his flash clothes, and his expensive hobbies; whilst never lifting a finger in the house.

@Goodytoshoes Bin him. I'm not kidding. Start to map out your life with just you and your DC. You may as well. he has already checked out of the family.

Actually agree with this, from what you've said about him in your posts op he's sounds like a selfish asshole
CherryPieface · 03/03/2021 22:49

That’s crap, sorry OP

ArcheryAnnie · 03/03/2021 23:03

I don't put much stock on Mother's Day stuff beyond a card and a bunch of daffs, but the bigger problem here seems to be family finances.

Your DC is 10 months old. You don't have any shared finances, and seem to be in a position where what's his, is his.

I think you need to have a shared pot, taking into account your loss of income which has resulted by, uh, creating a whole human being from scratch out of your own body, and having to take time off work to care for it.

It really doesn't sound like he understands that he's part of a family now, not a single buck who can always put himself first.

Dddccc · 03/03/2021 23:13

Honestly mothers day is pointless unless your kid has made you something its not up to your partner to buy it is just drama for now reason

HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee · 03/03/2021 23:14

He absolutely doesn’t need to share monies,nor do you. It’s not compulsory
On mn sharing money,one account,access to a man money is seen as proof of so called proper relationship
Frankly I’d recommend keep finances separate. Yours remain yours

It’s his Money he’s entitled to spend as he wish.as are you
What you actually need is an equitable prorata finances

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 03/03/2021 23:14

@shouldistop

The best Mother's Day I had was last year and not a penny was spent. Dh and then 3yo ds made me something silly and brought me breakfast in bed. Ds also picked me a flower when we went on a walk.
I'm only picking your post, shouldistop because it illustrates what I wanted to say, it's not about you/your situation specifically.

The thing is, the £25 present is just a small part of it. The bigger part is the thinking, the consideration and the choosing/selecting of the gift for the OP in recognition of her new role as a mum. It's also a first and that's a big thing for most if not all of us.

Taking it a step further, if a partner can't be bothered to do the simplest thing of whipping out a card to order the pre-selected (by the OP) present for his partner - which is a really minimal effort - does anybody really think he's going to think to make breakfast in bed, go and pick some flowers from the garden, make a card with the baby with its feetprints stamped on it in jam, or whatever? No, he's not going to do that. All of those things take effort and thought.

There is no thought or effort for the OP and it goes way beyond a present. When you're in a loving relationship where you receive the odd present here and there, get acknowledged and appreciated generally, a little bunch of wilted flowers can make you ecstatic. There is nothing in the pipeline for the OP and some of the posters on this thread are really rubbing salt in her wounds, unintentionally - or otherwise. Not nice.

I'm not a fan of MD/VD personally, but I fully accept and understand that other people aren't living my life and experience - and also want and expect different things.

Don't make the OP and others who are struggling with inept men, feel worse about it, nobody needs to be doing that.

LalalalalalaLand123 · 03/03/2021 23:15

OP I am so sad that you have such a low expectation of how to be treated decently.
In the nicest way, you are being a doormat. He is treating you like crap. No money for a date with you but money for a lads' night, no money for a first Mother's Day gift but money for his unnecessary jacket, plus leaving you with less money than him while you're on maternity leave. It is all so disrespectful and mean. Don't wait until after MD, OP, say something now, speak up. He either treats you with respect or you have a very bad relationship on your hands.

choli · 03/03/2021 23:20

Are you married OP? If not I predict the in the future you will be one of those women who wonders why he hasn't proposed to you - after all, when you bring it up he keeps saying he will in the future. Cut your losses.

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