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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

First mothers day disappointment

273 replies

Goodytoshoes · 03/03/2021 16:26

I feel so guilty for writing this.

My partner told me last night that he can't really afford to get me anything for mothers day and I told him I understood because finances are a bit tight at the moment. I mentioned I just wanted to spend it with my DC, but maybe I could pamper myself on the cheap as well by doing honey and sugar facemasks, and watch movies etc.

He knows there's a thing I wanted from my DC for mothers day, which is only £20, and I suggested that he could get me it when finances are better as a delayed mothers day present, and he said that was a good idea.

Everyone was happy!

Today arrives and something comes through the post for him. Turns out he spent £35 on a jacket for himself so he could start running again.

I don't begrudge him the jacket, and I'm delighted that he's getting back into his fitness. But I can't help feeling the tiniest bit hurt and I feel like such a bitch for feeling that way. AIBU?

OP posts:
Eckhart · 03/03/2021 19:18

@bridgetreilly

I basically think that the only appropriate mothers' day gifts are handmade cards from your children and a small bunch of daffodils, which could have been picked from the garden. So basically, I think YABU but I also think it's a bit crap that he chose to buy himself something instead of you.
Do you think that what you think is appropriate for a gift actually has any impact in the big outside world? If not, why would you point this out? Are you trying to say that OP was being inappropriate by asking for something that wasn't a handmade card from her children and some daffodils from the garden?
Mydogmylife · 03/03/2021 19:18

@Ellpellwood

It's not about the present, mother's day, home made cards. It's about "We do not have £20 for the thing you want. We do mysteriously have £35 for the thing I want."
This 100%
OhioOhioOhio · 03/03/2021 19:19

You are not his priority. That's it.

Clymene · 03/03/2021 19:22

@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe

The 'pushed HIS baby out of your vagina', gave birth to HIS baby' is really annoying and trite though. Unless OP is a surrogate she gave birth to their wanted baby.
Yes of course she did (let's hope!). But he's acting like it's no big deal. It is a big deal, and he should be respecting and celebrating it.

I think the first mother's day is a bit of an event. It's the first time you are formally celebrated in a day that's supposed to be about you. Any decent man will want to make a fuss of his partner on her first ever mother's day.

And for those saying he's probably planning a big surprise - have you read the OP's posts?!

saraclara · 03/03/2021 19:26

Just point at the jacket and say "I thought you said you were short of cash?"

bellie710 · 03/03/2021 19:27

We don't buy mothers day, fathers day or valentines gifts it is just a total con and waste of money. I couldn't get upset about this I'm afraid.

sapphired · 03/03/2021 19:29

Normally I would say he shouldn't have to get you a Mother's Day gift as you aren't his mother.
But in this case he is treating you like a mug and you are letting him. Tell him you will be buying the thing you want since he has bought his fancy new jacket - it's only fair!!!

Xerochrysum · 03/03/2021 19:30

@SinkGirl, thanks for personal attack, that's lovely. Tbh, my dc was in and out of hospital when he was baby through his toddler life, I didn't really think of celebrating mothers day. So yeah, I enjoyed when he wanted to do it for me, well enough to go to the shops etc.

I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings, but please don't think your children are the only children, and you are only parents having difficulty in life.

thecatsthecats · 03/03/2021 19:38

@Eckhart

If you wait until Mother's Day it will just fester

How will OP know he hasn't got her the present if she tries to deal with this beforehand?

That just proves my point. She'll spend the next few weeks being bothered by the fact that this may or may not be a clever ploy.

A surprise can be a nice thing, but it shouldn't involve lying to artificially make someone feel bad about the prospect so that the reveal is better.

For example, I lied to my husband that I'd arranged dinner with his parents for his birthday, only for it to turn out to be a surprise party.

I didn't tell him he couldn't have a party, organise a party for myself in the meantime, then deliver a party.

IloveJKRowling · 03/03/2021 19:41

It's about "We do not have £20 for the thing you want. We do mysteriously have £35 for the thing I want."

Exactly or - translated - I am more important than you.

What kind of message does this send to the children? A pretty awful one.

If they don't have enough money for a mother's day gift, there isn't enough money for a jacket. He's shown there IS some money spare, but he thinks his own wants are more important than showing the children that their mother is appreciated.

In other words their mother is not appreciated and will be expected to always be the one getting the shitty stick end of everything to facilitate him having a nice time.

DianaT1969 · 03/03/2021 19:47

Listen, whatever it is you wanted for £20, just buy it now out of your own money and tell him you got it. Plan something lovely for Mother's Day that involves a walk with one of your friends or family.
Never buy this man a present on his birthday, Father's Day or Christmas. He isn't a giver. You need to stop being a giver too. You also need to harden to expect nothing for any event, or there will always be low-level discontentment.
Make a conscious effort to stash away your own money and don't spend it on your DC or child.
Don't have another child or maternity year with him unless you have your own savings.
This is your wake up call. It isn't necessarily a deal-breaker. It is what it is.

BehindMyEyes · 03/03/2021 19:51

@DianaT1969

Listen, whatever it is you wanted for £20, just buy it now out of your own money and tell him you got it. Plan something lovely for Mother's Day that involves a walk with one of your friends or family. Never buy this man a present on his birthday, Father's Day or Christmas. He isn't a giver. You need to stop being a giver too. You also need to harden to expect nothing for any event, or there will always be low-level discontentment. Make a conscious effort to stash away your own money and don't spend it on your DC or child. Don't have another child or maternity year with him unless you have your own savings. This is your wake up call. It isn't necessarily a deal-breaker. It is what it is.
That sounds like a great life plan and way forward 🤔
SunshineCake · 03/03/2021 19:57

@30julytoday

Since when does Mother’s Day require money for gifts? Or am I just old fashioned

I did expect and appreciate a home made card...usually nurseries schools took care of this when they were small.. but once age 7 onwards I expected husband to get kids organised

When they grew up they bought cards with their own pocket money.

I don’t want something from husband- I ain’t his mother!

Is that just me?

It probably isn't just you but you know that.

Again. It isn't the fact the some women think they are their husbands mothers but that the children are too small to facilitate Mother's Day gifts or cards themselves.

Easterbunnygettingready · 03/03/2021 19:58

Presumably he knew being a dm at some point he would need to buy you a gift for mother's day? He has had 10 months to save..
For my 21st my df announced he couldn't afford the gift him and dm (divorced) were paying half for. He had had 21 years!!
Maybe take up running op and wear the coat...
He can stay home and reflect on being a twat.

thecatsthecats · 03/03/2021 20:09

I find it a bit Hmm that people are being a bit po faced about whether or not a father should buy gifts for a mother before the child is able to.

Looked at from a pure logic perspective, they're arguing that the one year a mother shouldn't expect anything for mother's day is the year that, barring accidents, she has done the very most for her child. Which is also the one year in which parents have to do everything for that child.

I mean, you don't skip on feeding a child because it can't do it itself.

Aloethere · 03/03/2021 20:10

Just tell him how you feel. There is no need to wait until after Mothers day. You made a baby with this man, you shouldn't be afraid to say 'Oi you said we couldn't afford 20quid on me so how can we afford 35 on you?'.

alsodetoxing · 03/03/2021 20:10

I don't get Mother's Day being a thing at all until the children are old enough to know what's going on. Perhaps breakfast in bed and a very long bath. Then it's about a home made card and a Very Precious Daisy and being thankful you're a mother. Later if you're lucky it's about whatever your children in their great wisdom think you will desperately love (and use/wear through gritted teeth). Mother's Day is about being a mother.

If you want to get yourself something, just get it. You don't need a fake occasion to do it on.

However, on the subject of your DP, he sounds incredibly selfish and unpleasant. I don't know if you've set a precedent that you must have money spent on you to feel special, but it seems odd that he hasn't thought about how to make the day special for you in other ways (unless he knows it wouldn't mean anything to you without the present). His behaviour over the date night makes it sound like he isn't just selfish with money, he's just lacking in kindness, respect for you and general altruism. But perfectly capable of managing your expectations ahead of time to get himself out of having to buy a present.

I don't get your approach to Mother's Day but I feel very sorry you're married to such a selfish person. Go and buy that thing, whatever it is. It sounds like you've been sucked into a dynamic where you are much nicer than he is and that's just expected. Down with that sort of thing!

NigellaSeed · 03/03/2021 20:14

@AtticusF1nch

No wonder people's marriages run into problems when people engage in such silly passive aggressive behaviour.

You're upset. You've possibly got good reason to be a bit upset. Just bloody tell him and tell him why. See what he says. And then take it from there

This
Clymene · 03/03/2021 20:17

It doesn't matter whether or not you get it or care about it.

It matters to the OP and that's all that's important

OverweightPidgeon · 03/03/2021 20:23

He may well have ordered you something , it’s not Mother’s Day yet so you won’t know until then.

I would ask him about the jacket though, like people in a marriage would do and in fact should do , if one of them has said money is tight and the other has bought themselves something that’s not necessary.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 03/03/2021 20:28

I think I must be completely out of touch. I did pull DH up on my very first mothers day as he didn't get me anything. Now, to me, Mothers Day should usually be a very small token from the child to the mother, but a first one is very special and I thought his mum would at least have had a quiet word. But I got nowt and was a bit upset. We had a talk and he said he didn't realise that a husband could get a mothers' day card for his wife on behalf of a child. I said "well I know what you mean, but you've got to start the tradition off for them when they're little, and the very first Mother's day is special" and he did take that on board.

But expecting a special gift is a bit off to be honest, which is why I feel I must be out of touch. When my kids started nursery, their mothers day present was a home made card and a bunch of daffs - it meant the absolute WORLD to me. They handed it to me with so much love. So this idea of a big spend on Mothers Day is completely alien to me. I don't get it at all. If your DH needs a new running jacket that's fair enough, it's nothing to do with mother's day. To expect a £20 present on Mothers Day is way OTT to me.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 03/03/2021 20:30

The date night thing is off though. That's a night that you could both have enjoyed together, which would help towards keeping the romantic relationship going. (hard when you have kids).

Mylittlesandwich · 03/03/2021 20:39

I would be upset to OP. DS is 15 months and obviously it would be DH buying any Mother's Day things. We are very hard up this year but I know from experience that DH will still get me a card. He knows they mean a lot to me. I've gently steered him away from any other gift as I know it would be a stretch. I'm sure that if there was any spare money he would buy me a little something but the money genuinely isn't there.

WhoStoleMyCheese · 03/03/2021 20:40

OP you should NOT feel guilty , you have 100% right to be hurt.
Also if finances are tight he shouldn't be spending unnecessary money on HIMSELF. The date shows that he has form for not prioritising you.
You should call him out on it.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 03/03/2021 20:44

@DianaT1969

Listen, whatever it is you wanted for £20, just buy it now out of your own money and tell him you got it. Plan something lovely for Mother's Day that involves a walk with one of your friends or family. Never buy this man a present on his birthday, Father's Day or Christmas. He isn't a giver. You need to stop being a giver too. You also need to harden to expect nothing for any event, or there will always be low-level discontentment. Make a conscious effort to stash away your own money and don't spend it on your DC or child. Don't have another child or maternity year with him unless you have your own savings. This is your wake up call. It isn't necessarily a deal-breaker. It is what it is.
I too think this is good advice. Sad yes, but very sound.

Sorry OP, this is certainly not what you want to be hearing but he is telling you what you do not mean to him - and doing so consistently.

Don't set yourself up for more heartache.