Is so hard to address a woman as ‘Ms’?!

[skwish]

I’m married, but have kept my maiden name. Eldest DC has ex-P’s surname, younger ones have DH’s. Recently moved to country from big city (south of England do not exactly the Moon). DCs’ primary school staff INSIST on either calling me Mrs DH or Miss Skwish (having taken some time to stop addressing me as Mrs Ex-P). Despite many reminders, they just will not address me as Ms Skwish, which as a grown woman in her 40s, I expect to have used as default. Now seem to gravitate towards Miss Skwish which I find infantilising and offensive, as well as inaccurate.

Quietly fume every time this happens, and have now been tipped over the edge by DC1’s new secondary school, who have just addressed me as Mrs Ex-P in a reply to an email, from me , despite me signing as Firstname Skwish.

Is Ms just a city thing? Have I gone into some weird time warp? Surely Ms is normal and polite and default everywhere? AIBU?

Safest for whom though? Sorry, I'm probably coming across as a bit antagonistic but I'm genuinely not. I'm just trying to show that everybody has a preference. For example, I wouldn't like being called Ms. To be honest, I wouldn't make a fuss but as it is not my title I'd find it a strange address. If no title has been provided then you just use first name last name, surely?

This.

S*afest for whom though?
*
I think safe isn't the right word, maybe, but it isn't assuming your marital status one way or another, so although not your preferred title, it isn't actually incorrect.

We should change and use Mrs to indicate an adult woman in the same way the French and German have done. I have never been married but use Mrs in most circumstances.

@NoIDontWatchLoveIsland

I always get Mrs Kangaroo even tho the school know it’s a different surname to Mr Koala’s and I have filled every form out as Ms and we are married. Our children have our names double barrelled. But they address us as Mr Koala and Mrs Kangaroo when I should be Ms Kangaroo as I’m not married to my Dad. Unlike my Mum who is Mrs Kangaroo. Even relatives do it. They think because you are married you must be Mrs without realising it is dependent on the surname you choose, otherwise it’s just odd.

I know several people who are "mrs birth name" because they didnt take husbands surname.

I think traditionally you used Mrs husbandsname or Ms Maidenname. The mrs denoted that you were married to the following name and that if you used Mrs maidenname that made it sound like you were married into your birth family, rather than from it. If that makes sense. Now I think people just use Mrs and their own name if they want to, but to me it sounds odd, like you married a male relative.

@Hont1986

Ms is not the default for a married woman in the UK. Don't know where you picked that up. If you prefer Ms, fine, as you like. But you shouldn't expect it as the default.

Of course, it is the default. Every woman could be correctly be called Ms it's just the a title for a woman. Correct someone if you don't like it but I guarantee you don't ask every young unmarried man you meet if he prefers to be called master. You assume Mr to be default.

YANBU OP. It's very annoying.

I also get the Miss when people struggle with me being Ms. And this is through writing. So no, not mishearing it.

Amazing we can stick bloody pronouns that we don't even use in our dealings with the person in our emails but can't call a woman by the right name or title. Hmm wonder why that is.

Meh

Titles are ridiculous. I was 20 when I got married and when changing over a few account details to my new name and title I was queried and even had 2 companies ask to speak to my husband to confirm my name change. Now I just do everything in DH's name- he's never been asked for his wife's confirmation!

Ugh, ongoing battle. I'm a married Ms (when I'm not being a pretentious Dr) and am double-barrelled. When people phone up and ask "Is that Mrs Hisname?" I generally reply "No, but I'm as close as you're going to get". They seem to get the point.

I'm a little confused by posters who don't understand why people use 'Ms' as the default to address women when they don't know their preferred title. It's because Ms is entirely neutral and the female equivalent of Mr.

I find it quite cringey how many adult women are so impressed with their ability to find a man to marry them that they insist that it be announced every time they get their name called at the Gp's office.

Also curious how "Miss" apparently sounds just like "Ms" to so many posters. So that the OP must be mishearing people getting it correct.

But also how people can't be called Ms because the name is soooooo very terrible sounding. Hmm. Do they sound different then? Or did you shit yourself every time someone called you miss when you were unmarried?

@Sunshinebunshine

Doesn't miss and Ms sound the same? I'm a bit confused... English is not my first language

No its pronounced Mzzz and sounds jarring and awkward.

It would be lovely if we could all the world over come up with an agreed upon generic title for every woman and all be happy to use it when marital status is unknown. But as you can see that can't even be achieved on this thread. Maybe OP you could start a movement and I dunno get it enshrined in law that we get one title just like the men do, with one level of respect regardless of marital status.

You can't really expect everyone you ever come across to remember your preference when there are so many choices for titles and so many other people they also come into contact with on a daily basis.

@Willyoujustbequiet

Ms is the default. Certainly in professional circles. It's the only one that is neutral to marital status.

What kind of professional circles do you mean?

I don’t think it is the default. I have rarely come across anyone being referred to as Ms, not verbally anyway.

No its pronounced Mzzz and sounds jarring and awkward

That's insane. No one pronounces it like a drunk bee.

It's Mizz.

I hate Ms, it’s revolting

If you have been married you are Mrs, if you have not been married it’s Miss

But in the great scheme of things I don’t care if they call me Miss or Mrs Chloemol

Whenever I call women Ms, they usually say pardon? As if they've never heard it before. V tiresome.

If you have been married you are Mrs, if you have not been married it’s Miss

Gosh. It's like feminism never happened.

I'm going to insist people call me Dame.

@MrMahoneysPants

No its pronounced Mzzz and sounds jarring and awkward

That's insane. No one pronounces it like a drunk bee.

It's Mizz.

Exactly. Fewer syllables and less fuss than Mrs, too.

The thing I hate most is women who insist that it's for the divorced.

There couldn't be a third neutral option. There should be a sad third option that says you couldn't make it last. Fucking hell.

If you have been married you are Mrs, if you have not been married it’s Miss

And if it's none of your business what my marital status is, it's Ms.

Could you drop the title completely, and just be referred to as Skwishy?

I think it sounds quite nice.

Why is Miss 'infantilising and offensive'? I like being a Miss, I hate being called Ms but I wouldn't be getting irate about someone calling me it in error.

I don't care if people call me Mrs DP's name either, it's not an insult to me. I just politely correct them.

Why is Miss 'infantilising and offensive'? I like being a Miss, I hate being called Ms but I wouldn't be getting irate about someone calling me it in error.

How would your partner feel about being called Master FatLadySlim?

@Chloemol If you have been married you are Mrs, if you have not been married it’s Miss

Maybe back in the previous century. I am married but I am definitely not Mrs. A great many women today find it utterly offensive that we are only bestowed the adult title on being validated by a man. Until that point, we have to settle for the child's title. Consciously or unconsciously, greater status is conferred on a Mrs than a Miss. It's utterly infantilising to women and I grind my teeth whenever I hear a women calling herself Mrs.

Regardless of how much like a drunk bee you sound.

It is basic to say that men not being addressed by their marital status while women are addressed so is inherently sexst?

Yes?

So why the desperation to hold on to this?