Is so hard to address a woman as ‘Ms’?!

[skwish]

I’m married, but have kept my maiden name. Eldest DC has ex-P’s surname, younger ones have DH’s. Recently moved to country from big city (south of England do not exactly the Moon). DCs’ primary school staff INSIST on either calling me Mrs DH or Miss Skwish (having taken some time to stop addressing me as Mrs Ex-P). Despite many reminders, they just will not address me as Ms Skwish, which as a grown woman in her 40s, I expect to have used as default. Now seem to gravitate towards Miss Skwish which I find infantilising and offensive, as well as inaccurate.

Quietly fume every time this happens, and have now been tipped over the edge by DC1’s new secondary school, who have just addressed me as Mrs Ex-P in a reply to an email, from me , despite me signing as Firstname Skwish.

Is Ms just a city thing? Have I gone into some weird time warp? Surely Ms is normal and polite and default everywhere? AIBU?

I prefer Ms and find at work this is a default - in my small home town however, I was told at the bank that Ms was for divorced women!

A lot of people don't pronounce Ms and Miss differently. In fact my kids took forever before they realised there was a difference at all.

I get called Mrs Duck, Ms Duck, Mrs Mallard, and Ms Mallard, on a regular basis - I think it's pretty common overall for people to not remember just what forms any one particular person tends to use.

That's fair enough @Beseigedbykillersquirrels but this information isn't always available. I regularly have to correspond with others for work, and often there's no way for me to tell whether they're married or not.
Ms seems to be the safest option.

I couldn't care less if I'm addressed as Miss, Mrs or Ms. It makes no difference to me. I can't understand why people get upset about it.

This has never bothered me. I don’t care for being called ‘mum’ but I appreciate some workers must deal with so many people it’s just easier for them. Like seeing a doctor In A&e. As if I’m gonna make a bloody fuss about it.

I personally hate the title Ms - I was Miss maiden name and then Mrs DH name - but that's for me. If someone actually asked me to call them Ms or I'd seen it in written communication I'd make sure I always did. But if I didn't know what they wanted to be called I'd be confused about the title in your situation. Also children call everyone Miss so I wouldn't personally be bothered about that.

Look on the bright side. I am living in France and on my joint bank account with DH, the names are Mr and Mrs Brian Crackerofdoom.

I asked if I could have my first name on the account and there wasnt a space so the member of staff used the bit where you but your academic letters.

So now it reads Mr and Mrs Brian Crackerofdoom and Mavis.

Feels very infantalising

YANBU at all, I would never presume to call a woman Miss/Mrs without clarifying first. Ms is the default.
Yes, this too - if I don't know if someone's married or not I use Ms until I'm corrected as it's safe territory!

FWIW I've lived in a city all my life and have never heard anyone addressed as 'Ms', I've only seen it in writing.

I’ve lived in a city all my adult life and heard it lots. Ain’t life grand.

Titles are daft at the best of times. Titles for women that are all about marital status (even Ms is making a statement that the person doesn’t think their marital status is anyone’s business) are bizarre.

The insistence that someone’s preference (be it traditional or marital-status-neutral) is somehow the correct one is a bit silly and futile. Given that we are stuck with a plethora of titles for women, the polite thing for people to do is ask before they use a title and after that, either have the manners to remember it (writing it down if necessary), admit they’ve forgotten it and ask again, or politely fudge by avoiding the use of the person’s name.

Defaulting to ‘she’s got a kid, probably Mrs’ or ‘fuck I don’t know, I’ll go with Ms’ is rude because you know there’s a chance you’ll get it wrong.

Also children call everyone Miss so I wouldn't personally be bothered about that.

Do they? My kids’ school has a good mix of Miss, Mrs and two Ms. The kids (not just mine) seem to get it right pretty reliably.

I am a Mrs and get ridiculously offended if school accidently call me Miss, I suppose in a sort of French Madame vs Mademoiselle kind if way. As others said though, Miss or Sir are the defaults in senior schools (and prisons). Primary school was much easier, most parents were first name terms with the staff with it being a small village school, so much less faffy.
20 years ago Ms was a default for divorced women, but now I think of it as the safer female title. In my job I won't asked women if they are Mrs or Miss as it seems intrusive. If they don't give a first name they are Ms.

Its time we had a one fits all title, like Mr.

I always just put Mr even though I'm a woman. Titles are outdated and pointless and mean nothing. On my co op card I am "wing commander".

Its time we had a one fits all title, like Mr.

That would be the dream.

I can never figure out why my debit card needs my title. But have never been able to convince the bank to leave it off.

I use Ms.

I work in the family courts and I find a lot of mothers in proceedings use Ms so you’d think it’d be more recognised there, but in four years I have only ever had one judge ask me, once, how I’d like to be addressed, and I mostly get Miss or on occasion Mrs. Separated and divorced mothers seem to be addressed as Mrs as standard. Except when the judiciary don’t bother at all and just call them Mum.

I’ve always thought that, if you’re over 30, Miss sounds like you’re left on the shelf and Ms sounds like you’re trying to hide the fact that you’re left on the shelf 🤣
Perhaps we should all just be Mr from now on !

It shouldn't be hard but it is. I changed my prefix to Ms when I married- I kept my own surname. At my work the admin team still send stuff out with my electronic signature and 'Miss' underneath. It is annoying and shouldn't be hard to get it right- I've asked enough times! As a teacher if I'm not sure of the prefix I just type Ms as default to try and avoid offence.

I am/was a Mrs.
Widowed in 2018 and have recently started updating my details to be referred to as Miss. Contacted one organisation and they asked me to provide documentation to support my change of title!

I dislike being assumed to be Ms. I dont think it’s an automatic default at all. I wouldn’t correct anyone who called me Miss or Ms, I just wince inwardly at the Ms title.
I would prefer to be called the honourable or right reverend - neither are correct but both sound better to me!

I'm a teacher, I go by Ms Rua. Honestly I find it easier to train the kids into calling me that than the parents! I've even had a child correct their parent in front of me

often there's no way for me to tell whether they're married or not.

Isn't it the most ridiculous thing that so many random people seem to want to know anyway? 'Hi, would you be interested in changing your energy provider - oh, are you married?'

To be called Ms is a safe bet, though. Even it some don't like it.

I am so often called Mrs Maiden Name. I am not married anymore and my mother was Mrs Maiden name, not me.
I don't mind Miss so much, but Mrs feels like an assumption that I don't much care for. I totally understand why it happens, though. It shouldn't be like this in 2021. Our marital status does not define us, so why does it need to be an actual part of our names?

i'm going against the grain as i'm proud to be mrs warm, but i often introduce myself as 'gertie warm' with no title.

@snowcobra

That's fair enough *@Beseigedbykillersquirrels* but this information isn't always available. I regularly have to correspond with others for work, and often there's no way for me to tell whether they're married or not. Ms seems to be the safest option.

Safest for whom though? Sorry, I'm probably coming across as a bit antagonistic but I'm genuinely not. I'm just trying to show that everybody has a preference. For example, I wouldn't like being called Ms. To be honest, I wouldn't make a fuss but as it is not my title I'd find it a strange address. If no title has been provided then you just use first name last name, surely?

Ms is the default. Certainly in professional circles. It's the only one that is neutral to marital status.