Is so hard to address a woman as ‘Ms’?!

[skwish]

I’m married, but have kept my maiden name. Eldest DC has ex-P’s surname, younger ones have DH’s. Recently moved to country from big city (south of England do not exactly the Moon). DCs’ primary school staff INSIST on either calling me Mrs DH or Miss Skwish (having taken some time to stop addressing me as Mrs Ex-P). Despite many reminders, they just will not address me as Ms Skwish, which as a grown woman in her 40s, I expect to have used as default. Now seem to gravitate towards Miss Skwish which I find infantilising and offensive, as well as inaccurate.

Quietly fume every time this happens, and have now been tipped over the edge by DC1’s new secondary school, who have just addressed me as Mrs Ex-P in a reply to an email, from me , despite me signing as Firstname Skwish.

Is Ms just a city thing? Have I gone into some weird time warp? Surely Ms is normal and polite and default everywhere? AIBU?

[Ilovemaisie]

Oceanbliss or Reverend 🙂

[Oceanbliss]

Happy International Women’s Day whether you’re a miss, mrs, ms or dr

[TroublesomeTrucks]

I am Dr X and husband is Dr Y. We are having building work done for which I am the main point of contact. They keep sending bills addressed to Mr and Mrs X. I am tempted to pass the bills onto my parents as they are addressed to them!

[SpnBaby1967]

I have a customer at my work, he's an awful bully and doesnt like me because I dont pander to his demands. Mostly because he's wrong, a bully and unreasonable in his requests.

Anyway, my email sign of is Mrs SPN but he writes back and in capital and bold writing address me as Miss.

So I put "Kind regards, Mrs Spn, job title"

He'll reply "Dear MISS Spn" like he thinks he's getting one over me by aggressively refusing to use my correct title. It's all very odd.

[ItsIgginningtolooklikelockdown]

I thought it was just used by others who didn’t know whether the person they were addressing was married or not, I didn’t realise people really used it by choice.
See the thing with that is, it's never about not knowing whether the person you're speaking to is married or not, it's always about whether the woman you're speaking to is married or not. Men just sail on with their Mr.

[Oceanbliss]

huggzy They even mentioned something to him about his parents being divorced, he came home and asked me what that meant. Massive assumption to make!

That is a massive assumption. Unbelievable in this day and age. I’ve known so many unmarried parents who are happy couples with children.

[huggzy]

DS's school refer to me as Ms. Because I'm not married to his Dad therefore still have my maiden name, they've assumed we are divorced. We are very much together, just not married yet! They even mentioned something to him about his parents being divorced, he came home and asked me what that meant. Massive assumption to make!

[BatshitCrazyWoman]

@DinosaurDiana

I’ve always thought that, if you’re over 30, Miss sounds like you’re left on the shelf and Ms sounds like you’re trying to hide the fact that you’re left on the shelf 🤣
Perhaps we should all just be Mr from now on !

Or in my case, Ms signifies that I divorced a complete cunt, and every time I see Ms I'm happily reminded that he's no longer in my life 😁

In my office there are loads of Ms I think it should be the default. Marital status isn't relevant.

[LovePoppy]

I’ve been married almost 10 years.

I’ve never been referred to as mrs married name.

For two years I kept my maiden name!

I’m just always first name last name

[LeSquigh]

By no means am I saying people SHOULD be embarrassed. I haven’t encountered Ms much in my life and my mum told me that Ms was used by divorced ladies when I was younger and I think that thought has just stuck in my head and I’ve had no reason to look into it any more to know who’s using it and why. I thought it was just used by others who didn’t know whether the person they were addressing was married or not, I didn’t realise people really used it by choice. I am no longer in an active marriage so I’ve gone back to Miss, as I was before I was married.

If people are actively using it by choice fair play to them, I just don’t really see the point in it. And it sounds odd.

[thepeopleversuswork]

@SmokedDuck

Surely there is a difference between saying marriage is something that society should value as it is advantageous to children, and saying that when a marriage is abusive or in some other way really compromised, people should stay in it anyway.

I would suspect that recognising that marriage is important would be one way to encourage care in choosing to marry.

Seriously?

Do you not think women are obsessed enough with marriage as it is? For a large proportion of the female population its still seen as the primary goal in life.

This "recognition that marriage is important" doesn't currently prevent something like 40% of marriages ending in divorce, nor the tales of woe that crop up routinely here.

I share your believe that a good marriage is life enhancing and that marriage shouldn't be entered into lightly. But if marriages are failing its not for want of promotion of the institution.

[Bulliedandtired]

I've been married before and never again thank you! My partner would marry me tomorrow but it's not for me. I've too much to potentially lose. We have a daughter together and that is enough.

[SmokedDuck]

Surely there is a difference between saying marriage is something that society should value as it is advantageous to children, and saying that when a marriage is abusive or in some other way really compromised, people should stay in it anyway.

I would suspect that recognising that marriage is important would be one way to encourage care in choosing to marry.

[Nenevalleykayaker]

At the end of the day, if a shop worker, school staff, employer, barman, milkman addresses you as Miss or Mrs. It doesn’t even register with us as long as they get the surname right.

If you’re young looking you’re going to get called Miss.
if you’re older looking it will be Mrs.
If it’s one of those pansy pants organisations trying to sound contemporary and inclusive up their own bums kind of place, they’re going to say how would you like to be addressed, what’s your preferred pronoun and are you identifying as a lamp post today or a woman?

In real life most women probably don’t give a hoot. Too busy to care whether someone thinks you’re married or not when they meet you.

On MN if you get 300 replies on a thread like this most replies will only be from people who are offended. It’s not representative of ‘everyone we know’ just ‘everyone you the offended poster knows’.

Nowadays even opening a door for a woman is seen as offensive. It’s old fashioned manners and courtesy.

[timesofchange]

@howaboutchocolate

I work in a school where we get called Miss and Sir.

This really irritates me. Miss is an infantile word, the male equivalent is Master. The female equivalent to Sir is Dame. Why do male teachers get the same form of address as knights of the realm, and female teachers get the same form of address as young girls?

My school was just Mr/Ms/Mrs whoever.

Agree, My DC go to a school where the female teachers are all 'madam' and male teachers are 'sir'. The 'madam' took a while to get used to, but makes far more sense and is a vast improvement on 'miss'.

[claireb7rg]

And I know a lot of females who use Ms and I don't know anyone over the age of 18 who uses miss

[claireb7rg]

I use Ms, I am divorced but with a partner. I didn't go back to maiden name after divorce and didn't want to stay Mrs as I wasn't married.

Occasionally I get referred to as Mrs rg and my partner gets referred to as Mr rg.

I'm having issues at the moment as we recently remortgaged and for some reason the bank have me down as miss and won't change it to Ms without proof of my title change. It was their mistake as I used Ms on the application 😩🤬

[JumpingFr]

Ms should be the default for an adult female. Why are women still going through this crap.

[howaboutchocolate]

I work in a school where we get called Miss and Sir.

This really irritates me. Miss is an infantile word, the male equivalent is Master. The female equivalent to Sir is Dame. Why do male teachers get the same form of address as knights of the realm, and female teachers get the same form of address as young girls?

My school was just Mr/Ms/Mrs whoever.

[JassyRadlett]

I think it sounds stupid and doesn’t roll off the tongue.

Have massive trouble with his and fizz, do you?

Alternatively if you prefer more of a schwa, just take ‘iss’ out of the middle of Mrs.

Or are you going for the ‘I am determined to sound like a demented bee to signal my disapproval of women not sharing their marital status’ pronunciation?

[howaboutchocolate]

Ms should be the default. Then it would be normal to everyone who grows up with it and this nonsense would stop. People shouldn't have to think about whether someone is married or has the same last name as their kids/partner to work out how to address them. You don't hear married men wishing they had a change of title on marriage so everyone knows. And a man who has a different last name from his kids would still be called Mr.

[BigPaperBag]

I think it sounds stupid and doesn’t roll off the tongue.

[PieInTheSky71]

Yes, I always address myself as Ms. They wouldn't refer to a man as 'Master', would they?

I hate is when they call me Mrs, even though it's crystal clear I'm a Ms. I'm not my Nan and I'm not married to my Dad either!

[thepeopleversuswork]

IcelandThree

"There are some awful comments on here about being older and unmarried. The horror!"

I know. There was a comment upthread from someone describing Ms as "revolting". I thought I was unshockable but that genuinely shocked me.

The idea that people might find an assignation that signals that your marital status isn't relevant is "revolting" just left me speechless. Oh and the woman who thought single parenthood was down to "hedonism".

It's like the past 60 years never happened....

[ItsIgginningtolooklikelockdown]

The "ashamed to be unmarried" bit only works if Ms isn't being used by married women too. I've been Ms when single, Ms when cohabiting, Ms when we split up and Ms now I'm married. If he departs at some point I'll still be Ms.