Screaming and shouting in a relationship

[cocowhite]

Is it normal for one person to loose their temper and scream and shout at the other person in the relationship?

I absolutely hate it - I've made this very clear that I hate it and it makes me unhappy. But I'm told that I'm living in romance land and that it's completely normal for screaming and shouting during an argument if if one person loses their temper.

From what I read on Mumsnet it's classed as "verbal abuse" sometimes I wonder if that actually living in the real world as surely all human beings lose it from time to time?

However I'm so at odds with that and whether to accept this any further. I'm in a 6 year relationship lockdown has been so testing.

I just don't know if I'm being unreasonable in thinking we can always discuss things and even argue like adults without aggressive shouting and screaming - or am I in cloud cuckoo land? Or is it basically whatever your comfortable with is ok?

I'm so conflicted when I read about people that do shout and are able to love on from it and get over it.

The people who have posted here saying they have loving relationships while screaming at each other are all saying that both partners do it and it's their chosen arguing style. It's not yours, it upsets you. Also, i doubt they're arguing like this 3x a week or that their partner threatened to smash their head in. You're comparing apples with oranges, your partner is an abusive shitbag.

@cocowhite

And at other times when he's calmed down and reflected and we've had a really good talk he will admit he over reacts and flies off the handle but puts it down to his personality and the fact I am very different and laid back. Mostly though he justifies it

Nah. I'd be out. You don't get to put it down to personality. So he has the personality of a bullying prick? Lovely. It's just not on OP.

My partner is so lovely and kind and if he ever started behaving the way you're describing then I'd leave. No amount of the good parts of him would make up for him shouting at me for not switching on the dishwasher.

Find someone who doesn't shout at you.

I had enough of that from my mother. Luckily I married the right man and we have never raised our voices or lost our collective rags in 20 years of marriage.

I honestly don't think I'll ever want to be with anyone again. That's 2 people that have treated me like shit, I'd be too scared now because you don't really find out what someone like until you've been with them at least a year and/or started living with them - it's easier to be alone.

What I do fear is not having a family unit, being the one responsible for all parenting and not enjoying that with someone. No family days out or family holidays. No christmases together as a family. It will just be me and the kids. I know I don't need anyone but I will miss that aspect massively. But I can't have that at the expense of my mental health and my children's - I know this.

If someone can behave calmly without shouting for a year and only start shouting and insulting someone after that it means the behaviour is deliberate as they obviously can control their temper, they just choose not to.
I've found most men don't shout. I think leaving a relationship when someone starts shouting is important though. It sounds as though the intimacy and affection has gone from the relationship anyway though.

Pretty much every relationship has arguments - those that say they never scream and shout. Do you argue in hushed voices or something?

Sure we argue and sometimes voices can be raised but we calm down quickly, discuss things rationally and move on with a cuddle. No grudges. Seems Mumsnet is predominantly used by people with patience of a saint .

I think your problem OP is that he gives you the silent treatment after ranting at you - it’s very much one sided and is dragged out unnecessarily over a period of time. If it’s not working for you and you think your relationship is worth fighting for, could you do couples therapy? Him maybe anger management?

@Wife2b he doesn't always give me the silent treatment - that usually when there's been a big one. Sometimes he flips out and then moved on and we both move on.

Yesterday was another level of aggression and anger coming from him, so we stayed out of each other's way, I did speak and he did reply but we were not back to normal.

Other times it explodes and then he retreats and doesn't speak for sometimes 4/5 hours or longer and then it's usually me that can't stand it any longer so I ask him can we talk and then we do and he will apologise probably 60/70% of the time

We disagree but rarely argue. One of us might say to the other "I thought you were going to do x" and we'll discuss it but there's no anger or shouting because "doing x" is rarely that important and we agree on most big things.
I think some people get overly worked up about what I regard as trivial nonsense and it seems unnecessarily emotionally exhausting

You can be upset and well pissed off with someone without a shouting match.

I have disagreed with my husband over the course of our marriage but shouting at each other, definitely not.

Three times a weeks he's roaring and shouting over bullshit like the dishwasher...absolutely abusive and deliberate.

He kept silent for a year and then let rip.

He's utter scum, nothing less.

I am so glad that you are realising both your children and yourself deserve better.

@Wife2b your problem is you seem to think an argument is when people scream and shout at each other.... it’s not. Obviously that’s what you were raised with so you don’t know any better and you now do this yourself as how you express yourself but I was raised to see my parents arguing in normal voices and sounding frustrated but never shouting and screaming. Myself and my DH are the same. He has never raised his voice to me and I have never to him. It’s the height of disrespect to screech and shout at anyone in my opinion.

The only future would be if he accepted he had a problem and agreed to go to anger management.

Other than that, you have many options without him Life's short, don't spend your best years being abused.

Really feel for you OP. Despite what some PP have said, it’s never normal or acceptable.

My husband and I never shout or scream. We rarely argue tbf, but when we disagree it’s always calm, points made firmly but never raised voices, sometimes tears but no shouting ever, and definitely no disrespect or name calling.

Husband was raised in a no shouting house so this is a no brainer for him, he’s very chilled out. I was raised in an abusive house with constant shouting, but even then I knew it wasn’t normal, and so the excuse that someone was raised in that way never flies for me. I knew losing your temper was a bad thing and I don’t do it.

If you are to give your OH a chance, then you need to sit him down, calmly explain that you’re not going to tolerate this treatment any longer, and tell him that he needs to get therapy for his anger. Tell him that if it happens one more time it’s over- and mean it. You deserve better, OP, and I really hope you get it.

[quote EpiphanySoul1]@Wife2b your problem is you seem to think an argument is when people scream and shout at each other.... it’s not. Obviously that’s what you were raised with so you don’t know any better and you now do this yourself as how you express yourself but I was raised to see my parents arguing in normal voices and sounding frustrated but never shouting and screaming. Myself and my DH are the same. He has never raised his voice to me and I have never to him. It’s the height of disrespect to screech and shout at anyone in my opinion.[/quote]
Exactly.

In the same way it is possible to be extremely pissed off with bad service, being treated poorly by a company or business, you can be very upset and annoyed, but you certainly don't have to default to screaming and shouting.

Most people do NOT behave like this and it certainly does not happen in normal happy relationships.

Disagreements happen, not screaming and shouting at eachother.

It isn't normal no although many couples do.

My mum and dad did . My ex and I used to have awful rows but the whole 13 year relationship was an awful one and I used to scream and shout, chuck things because it was the only way of getting my anger and distress out. He was also abusive and used to steal money out my purse and never lifted a finger in the house and he also used to shout and destroy my belongings too

I'm with someone else now who resolves conflict much differently. It took me a long time to learn how to do this and I just used to scream at him because I thought it was normal. He made it very clear it wasn't.

Don't put up with it op, lifes too short

I don’t think it’s on at all.

My parents used to have screaming, shouting arguments. I both hated this as a child, but also normalised it.

My exh used to shout and scream and loved to cause arguments. I divorced him rather than live with that.

I don't think therapy will help. He obviously can control his anger and sulking if he behaved normally for the first year.. Anger management is rarely useful (usually because the men going to it are going under duress to make someone else, usually a woman, happy) but when it is it's with people who always get angry when they don't get exactly what they want and have never learned empathy or thinking before they speak.
This man can control his temper and not sulk when he wants to but prefers to play power games rather than treat his partner with love and respect.

No it's not normal. DH and I don't yell at each other, even when we have a disagreement or if there's tension, we discuss it like grown ups. Similarly I don't know of anybody in my circle of family and friends who scream and shout at their partner either.

I have been with my bloke for 15 years plus and we do not shout at each other because we both listen to what the other one has to say.
Yes, we fall out and argue from time to time as everyone does, but we resolve the issue by talking.

When I was married I would resort to shouting out of frustration because my husband never listened to anything I said and so I would raise my voice simply to be heard. It resulted in me crying and feeling crap.
Being married to him was awful. We had nothing in common which got worse over time and he never agreed with me on anything at all. Life was one big argument and it was exhausting and demoralising.

I used to think it was all my fault especially as he gave me the silent treatment for days on end after a row which could have been over mashed potatoes or using the vacuum in front of the TV or even using the vacuum on full power (not allowed in case the motor burned out) or letting the windscreen wipers run on after it stopped raining or pulling the handbrake up making it click.......... OMIGOD I need a lie down now just remembering this

I've told him multiple times I can't accept it, I even walked our a few weeks ago after he threatened violence (not a real threat but more of a "I'll smash you head in" kind of thing, I warned him the next time he ever said anything like that it's over and he was being very careful of what he said for a while.

That’s a whole other level to shouting “why am I the only one cleaning the fucking kitchen?!” or similar.

Shouting but in a way that isn’t threatening or aggressive is still scary when you’re not a shouty person. Had he screamed and shouted “sort the dishwasher out you lazy shit!” that would be nasty enough, but this is next level.

Threatening actual physical violence is on the spectrum of domestic violence.

He doesn’t need to agree, it just IS.

And domestic violence doesn’t start with punching and kicking, it starts with boundaries being eroded like yours have been. From a threat of violence - later dismissed as “nothing”, to objects being kicked and thrown, to being thrown in your direction , to restraining you, shoving you a little, then when each of these subtle shifts in the power dynamic has been ‘allowed’ (because you’re still there) it’s not a huge leap to the next level - a slap because you’re “hysterical” or a punch in the arm.

Please draw the line here. For your DCs sake as much as your own.

Grew up with parents who occasionally shouted and screamed and threw things.

Was a little like this myself occasionally in the early days with DH. Could see red, lose the plot and scream.

Its reminded me that it hasnt happened for a long time.

Never like it now though, especially as I have children. I don't allow people to scream and shout at each other in our household. If one of my children shouts at other they get told off for it and reminding that screaming and shouting is not OK regardless of how annoying your sibling is being.

I feel that this thread is giving a very one sided perspective. The majority of people in relationships will have the occasional argument with raised voices and I don't personally feel it is necessary to automatically leave a marriage because someone has shouted at you. However, obviously as in the op's case if someone is feeling scared or the shouting is completely one sided this is not ok.

I mean I do get exasperated. I say "Oh for Gods sake DH - you havent sorted X out! It is really bloody annoying!"

I do have a raised voice I guess when I say it, but not shouting nor screaming.

I also very very rarely swear or name call. I did tell him a year or two ago that he was being an "absolute bastard" and that he should listen to himself - on an occasion when he had been very mean to me. But again not screaming "you f**g bastard!!!" at him.

I think it's normal for some couples to occasionally shout when having an argument. I think it can very much depend on a person's upbringing. My parents have been happily married for 60 years and have always occasionally argued/shouted so I don't see it as a problem. Others have been bought up to never raise their voice and so don't. Personally, I would find it quite stifling to never be allowed to raise my voice and wouldn't want to stay married to someone who expected it.

@Belladonna12 if you would find it stifling to not be able to scream and shout at someone when something is wrong you probably need to learn better methods of dealing with your emotions and how to use words to get your point across.

[quote EpiphanySoul1]@Belladonna12 if you would find it stifling to not be able to scream and shout at someone when something is wrong you probably need to learn better methods of dealing with your emotions and how to use words to get your point across.[/quote]
I don't scream. I occasionally shout although not much. Why should I learn "better ways" of dealing with my emotions?