MIL not feeding baby

[JenIsAGem]

10mo DS now spends Mondays at MIL house for childcare while me & DH both work on Mondays.
Drop off around 8am and pick up around 5pm.

She was very keen to follow our 'routine' and asked us to write it down for her so she could stick to it. He has 3-4 7oz bottles a day usually 7am, 11am, 2pm and 6pm. He usually drinks all his milk, as well as his 3 meals.

The first time MIL looked after him she tried to give him a bottle at 11am but said he didn't want it, only drank 2oz then refused the rest. I totally accepted this because it's all new to him, he was probably distracted and confused in a partially new environment. I held hope that because he refused this, he would easily take his afternoon bottle at 2pm.

When we picked DS up at 4:30pm I could tell he was cranky and tired but he had had a big day so that's what I put it down to. He had done really well.
She called later on in the evening after DS had went to sleep to have a general chat, (we all get on great and DH and her have a lovely relationship) we asked her why only 1 bottle had been used (we packed 3 just in case) and that's when she told us she didn't make him another bottle because she didn't want to waste more milk and he ate all his pasta for lunch anyway.
All day he only had a total of 9oz when it should've been 21oz by this point!

DH tried to express how important it was to feed him the afternoon bottle as he was really hungry, wasting milk isn't an issue at all and we would rather waste milk than DS go hungry.

Fast forward to yesterday, the is second time she looked after him and the same thing happened. She didn't give him his afternoon bottle, she said 'well he ate all of his pasta for lunch so I didn't bother'.
DH had made a point about giving him this bottle when he dropped him off in the AM, also by text just to remind her that he will probably be due his afternoon bottle soon etc.

When he got home we made him a bottle straight away. I've never seen DS so hungry, he was ravenous. He gulped down a 9oz bottle (usually drinks 7oz before bed) so fast it was gone in about 60 seconds. I felt so bad for him. He was so hungry, I know he's not ready to drop this afternoon bottle yet. His routine is working fine.

AIBU to be quite annoyed with MIL about this?

YABU - I wouldn't be annoyed
YANBU - I would be annoyed too

@JenIsAGem

Sorry op I understand now you didn’t want opinions you want agreement. I suggest you try netmums.

@JenIsAGem do you think the issue is not feeling confident in how to make them? Can you send premade formula or make up the bottles in advance? The NHS page says you can do that now.

@peachypetite oh wow you're right, I've just had a look! Thank you for pointing that out! My only issue with that is we use the MAM anti colic bottles and they can't be warmed up in a jug of warm water as they have holes in the bottom (hard to explain but if you're curious enough a quick google search will show you). So perhaps I could use a different bottle/container and then ask her to transfer it into his bottle...?

@JenIsAGem I have the mam bottles and warm them standing in a jug no problem!

[quote peachypetite]@JenIsAGem I have the mam bottles and warm them standing in a jug no problem![/quote]
Oh really?! I did this once and the contents went from 5oz to about 8oz and when I looked into it online it said they will suck the water up through the holes... I might try it again later and see what happens!

[quote JenIsAGem]@peachypetite oh wow you're right, I've just had a look! Thank you for pointing that out! My only issue with that is we use the MAM anti colic bottles and they can't be warmed up in a jug of warm water as they have holes in the bottom (hard to explain but if you're curious enough a quick google search will show you). So perhaps I could use a different bottle/container and then ask her to transfer it into his bottle...?[/quote]
Yes I used them too - I heated them up like that fine. I also used ready made in the cartons to leave for my mum when she had him too.

This is bonkers IMO.

Of course your loving MiL would not be starving your child.

However, if you don’t feel able to trust her judgement on childcare, I agree you shouldn’t leave him with her.

I don’t think you can be this rigid with instructions to a MIL looking after your child, you cannot control to that degree. The relationship will break down in no time and no one will benefit from that.

@JenIsAGem it has that white ring to stop any water getting in, I’ve not had a problem at all.

tricky as i see both sides

you have a routine, baby has milk with you, you asked mil to follow it

and she should have

but

hes 10mths, he doesnt need as much milk you are giving, and many babies do drop one of the feeds, whether 10/11 or 2/3 at this age, and in 2mths or so he will be ideally dropping both day milks and just having wake up and bedtime milk and 3 good meals and maybe snack at milk time

tell her firmly to offer milk - are you leaving pre made formula for her rather then powder

other thing is that he spending time with gps and saving you money

@HauntedPencil yes that ready made formula used to be a life saver, I used to use it when we were out and about. He completely refuses it now though, mustn't be as nice as the normal one 😂

@JenIsAGem Have you tried unscrewing the lid on the MAM bottles when you are standing them in water? We found that releases the pressure so it doesn’t suck up extra water.

The comments about milk amounts, I breastfeed so can’t measure. But my 10 month old still seems to need the same amount of milk he did a few months ago.
He has 4-5 day milk feeds and at least 2 feeds overnight. He also eats three meals of a decent amount I would say for his age, and drinks water.

Also, why is breast milk recommended until 2 years, but people saying after 1 babies shouldn’t be given formula? Surely formula is just a substitute milk so those babies just as likely to want and need some until they are 2 years as well?

@Blondeshavemorefun I leave her the powder as that's what she asked for. She said she was more than happy making it the traditional way with a kettle etc. We use a tommee tippee perfect prep machine at home and we offered to take it over for her (probs a pain in the arse to be honest, it's not too bulky but I understand why she wouldn't want that) as it's literally 2 button clicks and the perfect temp bottle in about 2 minutes.

She kept saying she's made plenty bottles for her 2 DS (DH and DBIL) and she's happy making it the traditional way.

He's not ready to drop his feeds yet, and he doesn't consistently eat his food, some days it's a lot and others not so much. We have tried on a few occasions to drop to 3 feeds but this is the perfect example of what happens, he's really hungry and downs his bottle. Even when offered snacks & water. He isn't overweight at all so it's not harming him. I'd rather he be satisfied.

It's such a shame that so many posters decide to go on about issues which aren't the point.

OP -

It's all plainly your fault.

Your bottles stink.
MIL knows best about how much milk your baby needs.
Mumsnet knows best about how much milk your baby needs.
She's not starving him on purpose so it's all OK.
You should be grateful for anything and everything.
You have to be grateful for all the 'advice' given here which you haven't asked for as well.
Expecting your baby to have some nourishment between 12am and 5pm is just way.too rigid.

@Laiste

It's such a shame that so many posters decide to go on about issues which aren't the point.

OP -

It's all plainly your fault.

Your bottles stink.
MIL knows best about how much milk your baby needs.
Mumsnet knows best about how much milk your baby needs.
She's not starving him on purpose so it's all OK.
You should be grateful for anything and everything.
You have to be grateful for all the 'advice' given here which you haven't asked for as well.
Expecting your baby to have some nourishment between 12am and 5pm is just way.too rigid.

Love this! 😂😂😂

@Caspianberg

The comments about milk amounts, I breastfeed so can’t measure. But my 10 month old still seems to need the same amount of milk he did a few months ago. He has 4-5 day milk feeds and at least 2 feeds overnight. He also eats three meals of a decent amount I would say for his age, and drinks water.

Also, why is breast milk recommended until 2 years, but people saying after 1 babies shouldn’t be given formula? Surely formula is just a substitute milk so those babies just as likely to want and need some until they are 2 years as well?

Really good point about the BFing until 2 yrs! Never thought about that before.

I would suspect a part of it is about comfort and bonding time.

Some people even think that level of closeness is helping the baby grow, physically, mentally, and emotionally. Beautiful.

he doesn't consistently eat his food

Oh it's too late to say this!

He has 3 meals a day. You've said it now.

A big bowl of porridge, egg on toast for luch and then you probably give him a roast at half 5. I mean - he doesn't neeeeeeeed milk!!

Oh and he's one now isn't he? I think you might have his age wrong ......

I'm joshing by the way. I don't know how you've stayed so calm on here.

In some families, milk is given to the children at night right through to the teenage years.

Yeah my 4 drank loads of milk until they were 2 ish and gradually upped their food intake. They lead you. You realise they're clearing their little plate every day so you up the food and then they start to be disinterested in the bottle so you drop or reduce a milk feed. With one of mine it was a very slow process.

OP will know her own babies needs right now.

It's such a shame that so many posters decide to go on about issues which aren't the point.

Well that’s what happens on AIBU. There are some posters who just love to find a way to stick the boot in at the OP.

The issue here is the MIL not following the parents’ instructions about the baby’s routine. A change in routine can be unsettling whatever that change might be. And quite clearly, the OP’s DS was very upset and hungry. Of course the OP will be worried and upset about this.

Whether the MIL is right or wrong about how much milk her DGS should be given isn’t the point here. She isn’t the parent so it isn’t her call.

I am more concerned about hydration here. Is she giving him water to drink instead of milk? He needs to get more to drink whether he is hungry or not.

What on earth is MIL playing at? Why would she want to look after a hungry, cranky baby? Has she got weight issues and does she think it's making him fat, or is she just lazy?

My inlaws used to kindly look after DD1 one day a week, and for a time she used to be a nightmare when I picked her up. We established it was because she hadn't been having her afternoon nap, sometimes she was a bit tricky to get to have a nap so they had kept her up. After they saw her being a grumpy nightmare (lovely to come home to after a long day at work!) they did try a bit harder to get her to have a nap.

My two year old still has milk to drink, eats loads and is skinny as a whip. You know your baby and what they need. It sounds like MIL is a bit weird about food. I know my mil is and my mum.
Honestly this thread, I think you just became a target for the gransnet brigade who got triggered.

Honestly this thread, I think you just became a target for the gransnet brigade who got triggered.

I agree. I’m not surprised, though, on MIL threads there will always be a couple of posters who insist on defending the MIL at all costs whatever the issue might be.