MIL not feeding baby

[JenIsAGem]

10mo DS now spends Mondays at MIL house for childcare while me & DH both work on Mondays.
Drop off around 8am and pick up around 5pm.

She was very keen to follow our 'routine' and asked us to write it down for her so she could stick to it. He has 3-4 7oz bottles a day usually 7am, 11am, 2pm and 6pm. He usually drinks all his milk, as well as his 3 meals.

The first time MIL looked after him she tried to give him a bottle at 11am but said he didn't want it, only drank 2oz then refused the rest. I totally accepted this because it's all new to him, he was probably distracted and confused in a partially new environment. I held hope that because he refused this, he would easily take his afternoon bottle at 2pm.

When we picked DS up at 4:30pm I could tell he was cranky and tired but he had had a big day so that's what I put it down to. He had done really well.
She called later on in the evening after DS had went to sleep to have a general chat, (we all get on great and DH and her have a lovely relationship) we asked her why only 1 bottle had been used (we packed 3 just in case) and that's when she told us she didn't make him another bottle because she didn't want to waste more milk and he ate all his pasta for lunch anyway.
All day he only had a total of 9oz when it should've been 21oz by this point!

DH tried to express how important it was to feed him the afternoon bottle as he was really hungry, wasting milk isn't an issue at all and we would rather waste milk than DS go hungry.

Fast forward to yesterday, the is second time she looked after him and the same thing happened. She didn't give him his afternoon bottle, she said 'well he ate all of his pasta for lunch so I didn't bother'.
DH had made a point about giving him this bottle when he dropped him off in the AM, also by text just to remind her that he will probably be due his afternoon bottle soon etc.

When he got home we made him a bottle straight away. I've never seen DS so hungry, he was ravenous. He gulped down a 9oz bottle (usually drinks 7oz before bed) so fast it was gone in about 60 seconds. I felt so bad for him. He was so hungry, I know he's not ready to drop this afternoon bottle yet. His routine is working fine.

AIBU to be quite annoyed with MIL about this?

YABU - I wouldn't be annoyed
YANBU - I would be annoyed too

But mil IS feeding your DS, OP. Your thread title is misleading. She's just missing out on one of his bottles. Maybe he's napping longer and she doesn't want to wake him? Maybe he's eaten particularly well at lunch on the occasions she has him? Maybe she's putting milk in his sippy cup in the afternoon instead of his bottle? Whatever the case, she's not starving him in any way, shape or form.

@Caspianberg the advice to breastfeed to at least 2 years is to stop them getting ear infections, chest infections and prevent them getting overweight / diabetes as adults. Formula doesn’t have those benefits so once baby can digest cows milk and is getting vitamins from food then you may as well switch to cows milk.

When I said he has 3 meals maybe I should’ve been more clear in that he is ‘offered’ 3 meals, how much he wants of them is questionable... sometimes a lot and others not much at all.

Perhaps he's too full up on milk?

Obviously your choice how much you feed your baby but lots of people on here are experienced mothers and you asked for advice.

Firstly your MIL is not starving her grandchild.
Secondly, sorry but you are giving way too much milk to a 10 month old.
Thirdly, he possibly guzzled the milk when you picked him up because it was his dinner time? Or was thirsty.

Perhaps, your mil realised your dc was not in fact 'starving'. Because they perhaps actually ate a full lunch because they hadn't been pumped full of milk mid morning. I can't imagine anyone being able to stand a crying starving baby for too long. They generally let you know!

In my experience (I have 4), and also worked as a nanny, obviously this is just my experience, none were having that much milk at that age. Just a bottle before bed or occasionally offered if they hadn't eaten much at breakfast or lunch.

My sister on the other had was like you and my dn was given 3 meals, plus snacks, plus 3 full bottles per day until well after a year old.

All 4 of my DC are a healthy weight and have a healthy attitude to food. As did the children in my care as a nanny.
My poor dn, has been overweight since a toddler and now is now very overweight. And does not have a good relationship with food.
Not saying it was that, but he was so used to basically being overfed since a baby. Could be a coincidence.
Babies of that age should eat when they are hungry and not have it forced on them just because your timetable dictates it.

Perhaps you just need to allow mil to make her own judgement about how hungry your dc is when in her care. It certainly does not sound like she is starving your baby, just responding to his needs on that particular day.

Good hydration is as important as his calorie intake. Your mother is seriously dehydrating our child. In summer, when it's hot and he is more mobile, becoming dehydrated could be much more serious.

I find it hard to credit that he's been refusing the bottle (yet is desperate to drink when he gets home); if he refused the first or drank little, it makes no sense not to offer another later. The "not wasting milk" excuse just doesn't stand up. I'd be worried that your mother just isn't bothering to give him the care he needs and WANTS.

How many nappies did she change? Or is she depriving him of drink in order to reduce that chore?

I wouldn't let her look after him!

@brushlaptop

I wouldn't let her look after him!

me either 😳

Yanbu, she's weaning your baby for you.

In generations past, some people made the mistake of not realising how important breastmilk is for babies and would often replace it with solids.

Yanbu

Dehydration in babies can get very serious.

Playing Devil's advocate but does she offer a drink with his lunch or between lunch and pick up? Is he having a watery snack like melon?

I think it’s a generational thing. I’m in my 50’s and remember the health visitor saying to me the only way my baby was going to eat solids was if I cut right back on milk apart from the morning and evening feed. I did follow her advise and she was right but this isn’t the point. Your MIL isn’t doing what you want for your baby, if it was me I’d look for a childcare professional to do the childcare.

We had similar issues with IL’s doing whatever they wanted. I had no issues with this in terms of activities but they used to let her sleep all day and would feed her milk instead of bothering with proper meals (they never ate properly - she was 18 months so didn’t need 4 bottles of milk a day). We approached it gently, left notes on routine etc but they still did whatever they wanted just tried to hide it better (wash up bottles rather than leave them all on the sides) so when we finally had enough they threw their toys out the pram and withdrew all childcare and basically told us we were terrible parents. They see her once every 2 months before Covid she barely knows them.

So I’d talk to her it sounds like you have a good relationship unlike us where it never was, and just be really honest and lay your concerns out. If she’s really not receptive then you’ll need to make other arrangements Im afraid. Family looking after kids is really hard for this reason and I personally feel that some generations are keen to impress how well they did it but just because it was different does mean it was better!

Just as a comparisons, my parents occasionally look after DD and whilst they may not agree with all our parenting decisions they respect what we’ve decided (they didn’t believe in cutting the day time nap at 2.5 cos I still had it til 4!)

It sounds like you are giving him too much milk....

I wonder - are you giving too much milk?

How is op giving baby too much milk if the other 6 days a week he seems to be thriving on the amount of food and milk he is getting?

I thought milk wasn’t supposed to be dropped at all before 1 now if baby still wants it? Ie if hungry in the afternoon, an under 1 should be given milk ( whatever they have), and not a snack? Only after 1 year should you start swapping milk to a snack if needed.

We definitely had milk growing up loads until teens. Obviously not in a bottle or formula after whatever age, but milk in a glass with breakfast, a glass of milk after school with snack and warm milk with biscuits before bed lasted forever. Mmm might have warm milk and cookies tonight myself..

Why is everyone a health expert on how much milk OP’s baby needs!? She isn’t asking about whether her child is eating/drinking enough ,

She obviously knows her son’s needs more than her MIL and posters who seem to think otherwise,

Every child is different, I don’t know any under 1’s who eat well enough to not need milk throughout the day.

My own dd didn’t start eating properly till 15/16 months even with 1/2 bottles a day.

The point of the thread is the MIL isn’t Following the request of the parents, even if she thinks baby doesn’t need milk she should still offer it, she doesn’t know the babies need’s as much as the parents, it’s a very simple request, but there is always the mumsnet cliche answer of ‘free childcare’ so they can do as they please. They are looking after a baby for goodness sake so should be able to follow their basic needs at least.

OP I think if she can’t follow basic requests you are better off finding alternative childcare,

I would assume that if the MIL had evil intentions that the OP would have known about them by now and that her DH wouldn't have such a lovely relationship with this mother.

There is a horribly ageist tendency on here to dismiss the experiences of older women, particularly, mother in laws and to view these women as being in competition. There's a lot to be said for lived experience and for realising that guidelines are a broad brush approach that can be tweaked and even ignored in some instances.

Eating disorders and health issues ( as referred to on this thread ) don't arise because Granny missed a couple of bottles or the odd nap, or because Mummy overfed milk for a couple of weeks or months. They arise because of emotional and mental health issues which are much more likely when families don't talk, don't communicate effectively and use each other as weapons.

The OP was annoyed - as she states - but is being urged to give up what could be a lovely, nourishing relationship for her child and her MIL that will stand them in good stead for the years to come. A relaxed conversation over what minor changes might be needed at Granny's house or asking what Granny thinks, don't diminish the OP's role as mother in any way.

OP, yes, your MIL has done her time as mother to young children but she's a new Granny to this child so wouldn't it be more beneficial to help shape this role into one that works for all of you ?

@Swordfish1 It doesn't matter how much experience you have as a nanny, you have absolutely no idea about judging what is right for the OP's baby from a few sentences on the internet. And as a nanny you should know never to go against what a parent has asked you to do.

It's perfectly normal and on track for a baby to be having what the OP is giving him.

www.nhs.uk/start4life/weaning/what-to-feed-your-baby/10-12-months/#:~:text=Breast%20milk%20or%20first%20infant%20formula%20is%20still%20important%20for,3%20milk%20feeds%20a%20day.

DD2 ate three meals (always quite substantial amounts for a baby) at that age plus at least three feeds, and is now taller than me, 5'8" and 8 stone aged 12. Still my long slim hungry baby!

@Laiste

Yeah my 4 drank loads of milk until they were 2 ish and gradually upped their food intake. They lead you. You realise they're clearing their little plate every day so you up the food and then they start to be disinterested in the bottle so you drop or reduce a milk feed. With one of mine it was a very slow process.

OP will know her own babies needs right now.

This is also my take. Not many 15 year olds still drinking tons of milk in place of meals. I breastfed dd but it was several times a day at this age.

YANBU
Your mil probably is going by what was thought the norm when her children were little. But now we know babies need milk, which is their primary source of sustenance for the first 12 months.

I would like to point out, my DS would not take milk with ANYONE but me. If he was hungry really hungry, would take just enough (1-2 oz) until I came back and would feed him. So, like some pp have said, the routine has changed and maybe he won´t have that much milk with MIL but will do with you. Just make sure, ask her if she offers him the milk.

And as a nanny you should know never to go against what a parent has asked you to do.

Sorry but that isn't right. There are absolutely times when safeguarding requires a carer to go against a parent's wishes.

Clearly, this isn't one of those times or anywhere near it but sometimes a different approach is a life saver. Parents must never be beyond criticism.

OP have you ever left your DC with your MIL before for a few hours, if so did your baby drink milk then?

And as a nanny you should know never to go against what a parent has asked you to do.

I didn't go against the parents wishes. The parents also didn't want their child overfilling on milk and then not eating their food.
Their take was if the dc was still wanting more AFTER their dinner, then of course top up with milk. But not in place of or right before.

All i'm saying is that if the op's dc didn't have their bottle mid morning like usual, they most likely ate more lunch than normal (OP states sometimes they eat very little actual lunch), and therefore MIL realised that her grandchild did not need/want a full bottle a couple hours later.

Perhaps she gave him a banana and a sippy cup of water. Who knows. But it does not sound like the MIL is an evil person out to starve her grandchild and the op needs to consider her dc was not actually hungry at grandma's house and grandma is quite capable of looking after her dc. With or without a bottle of milk.

We did some NCT weaning classes and they clearly told us to keep giving the normal amount of milk until 9 months and then gradually work down until 1. She said lots of people rush in to give three set meals a day with snacks and their babies stop having the correct amount of milk needed.

It's tough because she is family. I would look for paid childcare, where they will put your child's health and safety first. And listen to you both as parents

[quote PinkDaffodil2]@Caspianberg the advice to breastfeed to at least 2 years is to stop them getting ear infections, chest infections and prevent them getting overweight / diabetes as adults. Formula doesn’t have those benefits so once baby can digest cows milk and is getting vitamins from food then you may as well switch to cows milk.[/quote]
There is absolutely no link between breastfeeding and weight as adults. That has been debunked for a long time now.

The main problem here is that there has been a communication breakdown between the OP and her MIL and her DH isn’t getting anywhere either by the sound of it. If a regular childcare arrangement is to work, this does need to change. It really isn’t just about the amount of milk the OP’s DS should be drinking.

So, if this can’t be resolved, then the OP would be better off paying a professional childminder or putting her DS in nursery.