MIL not feeding baby

[JenIsAGem]

10mo DS now spends Mondays at MIL house for childcare while me & DH both work on Mondays.
Drop off around 8am and pick up around 5pm.

She was very keen to follow our 'routine' and asked us to write it down for her so she could stick to it. He has 3-4 7oz bottles a day usually 7am, 11am, 2pm and 6pm. He usually drinks all his milk, as well as his 3 meals.

The first time MIL looked after him she tried to give him a bottle at 11am but said he didn't want it, only drank 2oz then refused the rest. I totally accepted this because it's all new to him, he was probably distracted and confused in a partially new environment. I held hope that because he refused this, he would easily take his afternoon bottle at 2pm.

When we picked DS up at 4:30pm I could tell he was cranky and tired but he had had a big day so that's what I put it down to. He had done really well.
She called later on in the evening after DS had went to sleep to have a general chat, (we all get on great and DH and her have a lovely relationship) we asked her why only 1 bottle had been used (we packed 3 just in case) and that's when she told us she didn't make him another bottle because she didn't want to waste more milk and he ate all his pasta for lunch anyway.
All day he only had a total of 9oz when it should've been 21oz by this point!

DH tried to express how important it was to feed him the afternoon bottle as he was really hungry, wasting milk isn't an issue at all and we would rather waste milk than DS go hungry.

Fast forward to yesterday, the is second time she looked after him and the same thing happened. She didn't give him his afternoon bottle, she said 'well he ate all of his pasta for lunch so I didn't bother'.
DH had made a point about giving him this bottle when he dropped him off in the AM, also by text just to remind her that he will probably be due his afternoon bottle soon etc.

When he got home we made him a bottle straight away. I've never seen DS so hungry, he was ravenous. He gulped down a 9oz bottle (usually drinks 7oz before bed) so fast it was gone in about 60 seconds. I felt so bad for him. He was so hungry, I know he's not ready to drop this afternoon bottle yet. His routine is working fine.

AIBU to be quite annoyed with MIL about this?

YABU - I wouldn't be annoyed
YANBU - I would be annoyed too

@Blistory
Voice of reason

I have registered to Grand West Prep and wanted to know if anyone has previously been on waitlist and later got a place? And in general reviews on ghis prep school

Wrong chat pls ignore

To echo what lots of others have said, NHS advice confirms that you are offering your baby much more milk than is normal at this age. That doesn't mean you are necessary wrong, but it does mean that you MIL's behaviour is more in line with what is 'normal' for this age than your instructions.

The suggestion here is that babies of this age are likely to be down to 3 milk feeds a day, 400ml or 14oz.

www.nhs.uk/start4life/weaning/what-to-feed-your-baby/10-12-months/

Note also that NHS guidance is try to minimise bottle use from 1 year old so even if you do want to offer a large amount of milk, starting to get him used to taking some of that from a cup might be a good idea

www.nhs.uk/conditions/baby/weaning-and-feeding/drinks-and-cups-for-babies-and-young-children/#:~:text=Once%20your%20baby%20is%201,chocolate%20powder)%20to%20the%20feed.

My 15 year old still has at least one big beaker if milk a day

.

Of*

@jgjgjgjgjg that isn’t what it says though is it... it says between 10-12 months offer about 14oz. You don’t just drop the amount the second they hit 10 months old. Every baby is different so some may take longer to get to 14oz in that time frame.

Maybe she is just doing her best. It doesn't sound like she is intentionally trying to starve your baby. If she had him 4 days a week, maybe you should be concerned. She is doing you a favour and saving you a lot of money. Maybe let her have him for short periods over the weekend etc or half days so she maintains contact and doesn't feel left out. You want to maintain the good relationship you have with her. Try not to spoil it over this. Maybe think about a minimum you are happy with rather than expecting your levels of perfection. Btw, I am not a MIL, just a parent grateful for any free support/ childcare that comes my way from loving and well intentioned family who I trust to do the right thing....I am lucky to have this. It hasn't been long he'll settle down with her soon.

I would be having a chat with her and expressing how important it is. Also check she is comfortable with making it. Ready made stuff is amazing. I’ve sent that to my mum as back up when she first started having him in case she was unsure with making power formula up.

Also I don’t think how much milk you are giving him is excessive. My HV told me that a baby between 9-12 months should be getting between 14- 20oz a day. She did say between 11-12 months it will be more like 14oz a day. But she did state that this is for a baby who is eating well also and every baby is different. My DS at 10 months was on 3 x 7 oz bottles and at his review they were happy with this. he’s 11 months now and has just dropped his afternoon bottle. He now gets 14 oz a day. He’s one in 3 weeks so will be switching to cows milk but will still be getting him morning and bed bottle until he is ready to drop it.
xx

What a crock of shit.

Op get your DH to tell granny to offer the bottle of milk - full stop. If he doesn’t take it offer it again in an hour.

And He should be telling her out straight Anything other than this is going to be a problem

@Chewbecca

This is bonkers IMO.

Of course your loving MiL would not be starving your child.

However, if you don’t feel able to trust her judgement on childcare, I agree you shouldn’t leave him with her.

I don’t think you can be this rigid with instructions to a MIL looking after your child, you cannot control to that degree. The relationship will break down in no time and no one will benefit from that.

Of course you can!

I was given instructions regarding bottles when I looked after my DGC. I managed to follow them.

When the children were older it was much more easy going and how I felt was right.

[quote JenIsAGem]@Blondeshavemorefun I leave her the powder as that's what she asked for. She said she was more than happy making it the traditional way with a kettle etc. We use a tommee tippee perfect prep machine at home and we offered to take it over for her (probs a pain in the arse to be honest, it's not too bulky but I understand why she wouldn't want that) as it's literally 2 button clicks and the perfect temp bottle in about 2 minutes.

She kept saying she's made plenty bottles for her 2 DS (DH and DBIL) and she's happy making it the traditional way.

He's not ready to drop his feeds yet, and he doesn't consistently eat his food, some days it's a lot and others not so much. We have tried on a few occasions to drop to 3 feeds but this is the perfect example of what happens, he's really hungry and downs his bottle. Even when offered snacks & water. He isn't overweight at all so it's not harming him. I'd rather he be satisfied. [/quote]
You could get her the ready made formula you don’t have to make up (aptimil ready made 200ml bottles not normal powder made up before time which is a no no). You could encourage her to give snacks and water rather than milk but offer milk at 2 or 3pm if not already had a second.

Also I should point out when my DD went to nursery at first she refused everything offered anyway but was ravenous when she got home so it might not be solved by changing who provides the childcare if your baby decides they only want milk from you or in your house

@LouiseTrees

Also I should point out when my DD went to nursery at first she refused everything offered anyway but was ravenous when she got home so it might not be solved by changing who provides the childcare if your baby decides they only want milk from you or in your house

I've read a lot of stories like that where DC will only eat/drink at home not with other people but this wasn't the case here. The first time yes, he was too distracted for his late AM bottle (they have a very boisterous and quite out of control dog albeit the dog is quite gentle with DS) so I said to her it'll be best if you feed him upstairs where there's no distractions or loud noises/barking etc. She didn't listen and said he only had 2oz because 'there was too much going on'.

The second time he had his full late AM bottle no problem, drank it all with no issues so I know she can feed him perfectly fine. The problem was that she didn't even offer him the PM bottle at all. Didn't make it, didn't try and give him it, nothing. Just left the bottle sitting in the bag it came in.

For me these threads are never about what the op has asked, it could be no TV, sweets, etc.. It's always about the Mil simply not listening and doing their own thing.
For me this is where the trust goes.
Personally I would run any changes past my daughter and explain why and see what she said and if she was adamant she still wanted xyz I'd stick to that because I trust dd.

It's so arrogant to presume your way is best. This is what irritates me, obviously I'm also projecting, we had an awful time with Mil over nappy training... I didn't need child care it was just nice to have a break now and then but I couldn't because she would whip dds nappy off the instant she got there and dd would come back crying mummy nap on nap on.
Then Mil would say "oh she didn't mind here" tried to explain again well she was distressed... And nothing, again went agaisnt our wishes and distressed dd and set her entire progress back.

However it then came out at lunch one time she was a firm believer that letting older toddlers nap in the day meant they would sleep more later. Again we used to ask her to try and keep dd going because otherwise she's up till gone midnight.
Low and behold when Mil had dd dd would be up later. She always denied letting her sleep but it came out at this lunch.... All those nightmare nights where dh and I exhausted trying to cope with a wide awake super charged dd at midnight!!

Goodness knows what else went on, totally un trustworthy.

@JenIsAGem so is your husband going to tackle it again?

Fwiw though because he is so young, I'd have one more try with Mil.
I'd say your starting to look into childcare for that day because your not happy with her going against what you have asked.

@peachypetite she phoned him in the car last night on his way home from work. Unfortunately I wasn't there to speak to her or hear the conversation obviously and DH memory is absolutely pants as well 😞🙄

The general consensus was that he told her how hungry/thirsty DS was when we got home and that it's very important to offer the afternoon bottle regardless of what he's ate at lunch etc.
He said she kept replying with "no bother no bother". I can't lie, I was half expecting an apology but he didn't seem to recall one.

We will be taking him there on Monday next week, plenty of reminders will be given. They're still finding their place in his life, I totally understand it's hard for everyone involved.

Me and DH haven't left DS with anyone at all since he was born with covid lockdown etc. It's hard leaving him in someone else's hands especially when they returned distressed.
It's hard for DS for the same reason, being left alone for a long time with people who he doesn't know that well.
Obviously hard for MIL too cos she's craved this time with DS for so long, it's been 25 years since she had her own babies to look after. It's a big deal looking after a baby for hours and hours, I'm sure me and many others on this thread will know 😂!

"The first time yes, he was too distracted for his late AM bottle (they have a very boisterous and quite out of control dog albeit the dog is quite gentle with DS) so I said to her it'll be best if you feed him upstairs where there's no distractions or loud noises/barking etc. She didn't listen and said he only had 2oz because 'there was too much going on'."

MIL who doesn't listen or respect your wishes, looking after your baby in her house with her boisterous and out of control dog... what could possibly go wrong?!!

OP you never should have mentioned the dog on here 😄

@Purplestorm83 oh god what have I done... I've opened a whole new can of worms here haven't I! 😂

He's a Labrador who's very excitable basically. He's very gentle with DS. We did introduce them a few times before he stayed there for the sat so it wasn't all a shock to both of them.

Me and DH actually have 3 dogs, DS loves them all. It's really really not an issue here 🤦🏼‍♀️

If I honestly believed there was any danger to my child being there then of course I wouldn't ever consider leaving him there!

That should've said "for the day" not for the sat.

OP you never should have mentioned the dog on here 😄

^Indeed. That was never going to end well. 🙂🤣

Then guess see how monday goes

Will she offer bottle

Will he drink it

Will he be ok with the dog

I wouldn't trust her anymore. A second chance is enough. She thinks her judgement is more important than your wishes. I couldn't trust her. It will be the first of many things. Stop the arrangement and get proper child care where you are listened to.