To think obtaining a nursing degree as a single mum...

[PurpleReigns]

...with 3 children and no support will be hard, but is manageable?

I applied last year and was offered a place at university, however, my marriage broke down and so I deferred to this year. I’m now starting this September. I have DC, 10, 12 and 15. No family nearby, friends that will help out on occasion, with the youngest at least. exDH not reliable with contact.

I am getting on in age and feel if I don’t do it this year that will be the end and I’ll be stuck in dead end jobs for the rest of my life. I will need to do an access course if I were to try again to start with...

I have had a few looks from people about doing it this year, so want to see what MN thinks.

AIBU to think studying a nursing degree as a single mum is achievable?

Huh well I guess all kids are different and it depends on them? I’m not at all old but when it was around 10 or so (only child) I would do a bit of babysitting, be left on my own overnight sometimes, have no problem whipping up dinner for parents, always got myself up for school and walked. We didn’t have the luxury of or necessity for my parents to be flapping around me, I would have been confused if they had tried. If they had suggests getting a babysitter I think I would have been genuinely confused...

Genuinely, what do you do for a 12 year old in the morning? Because of my parents’ work schedule I was usually alone getting up, but I knew how to set an alarm, brush my teeth, get dressed, eat breakfast and leave. So I don’t know what they would have added to that?

If you can’t trust a 12 year old to not accidentally burn down the house when you’re out of the room, I think that’s pretty weird. As long as they are good kids I think they will rise to a bit of responsibility. I think the last thing they would want would be for you to hold yourself back from giving them a great life, on their account.

@shrodingersbiscuit How many years is it since your mum did her nurse training?

I think do it. Will be a great example for your kids and you can work out childcare.

Honestly it'll be tough but you'll never know until you try. Don't let people put you off.
I found most placements were pretty flexible. I didn't have to do nights but requested them.
Just visit prior to your placement and just be honest, Christ you can do 3 long days then you're off.

If I had a student who had 3 kids I'd just place them as much as possible with the mentor or senior staff, I'm not a dick and most people aren't.
You're not staff, you're a student. I got loads of time during placements to study or do placement days in other areas of interest/to fulfil competencies.
It won't be easy but what is.
Good luck.

We didn’t have the luxury of or necessity for my parents to be flapping around me

Being in the same home as your 10 year old is not “flapping”. Nor is it flapping when they are 11/12/13/14/15. It’s just parenting. It’s pretty normal to expect a parent, or at least a responsible person, to be present when their 10 year old is home. Let’s not be silly.

@Multicover

What about summer holidays?

You usually get huge holidays at uni. My training I got 10 weeks summer holiday

I want to say it’s doable, I think it will be HARD though. I would speak to the university ASAP and ask for a decrease in the amount of nights you can work. Due to childcare. I think you’ll still be expected to do some but they’ve changed the mentor model to practise assessors/supervisors now so you’ll be allocated a team of mentors rather than just one. Which means it’ll be easier for you to have your roster avoid nights if possible.

If you can’t trust a 12 year old to not accidentally burn down the house when you’re out of the room, I think that’s pretty weird.

It's not so much trusting them not to accidentally burn down the house so much as how they react when something happens.

For example earlier this year, dh managed to throw coffee over his laptop. This isn't, for anyone who hasn't tried it, a good idea.
He yelped, and I went to see what had happened. He was wiping coffee off the floor (good idea), however as I came in I saw flames inside the laptop. Between us we ran the laptop outside and all was fine (except one dead laptop, and a rather bad smell).

Now if he'd been on his own, there would have been a not inconsiderable chance that the laptop would have gone up. It was close when I came in, he couldn't have seen it, as the flames were coming out of the back, and he was at the front, on the floor wiping up the coffee.

Also if it had gone up suddenly, then he could easily have been trapped in the kitchen by the flames-and his phone was on the table next to the laptop so would have gone up too.

It's not the doing that's worrying-most teenagers won't do anything deliberate, it's the sorting out the issue if it comes up.

onjnmoe NSPCC guidance is not to leave under 16 alone overnight. It’s not a one off could be a placement 6 weeks or more. All it takes is child not to wake and get to school on time for it to come out that they are regularly left alone. Or for ex to make trouble.
It’s not just a few hours overnight nurses work long shifts plus commute. It could be 2 under 16s alone 5pm - school next day (if elder away at University) Day in day out for weeks.

I genuinely feel like I grew up on a different planet to the others on here.

I was really into horses when I was young. Ok weekends and holidays I’d be dropped off at the yard in the morning and would be collected in the evening. I’d be 10 or so, would deal with the horses by myself, go to the shops to get food, hang out with the other kids. We would be saddling and riding out on big animals, jumping cross country, having a blast of a time. All 100x more dangerous and more responsibility than sitting at home... no adult supervision. Because I knew what I was doing...

A 16 year old shouldn’t ever be put in this kind of position.

It is stealing the last few years of their carefree childhood from them.

You can probably ‘make it work’ in the short term, but expect to have difficult conversations with all 3 of them when they’re older.

My childhood involved a similar arrangement and I never forgave my mother for it.

The time do undertake training like this was before you had DC, you really do have a responsibility to make them your top priority here.

Couldn’t you wait until the youngest was 16 or so? That might be an ok compromise.

@Dixiechickonhols

onjnmoe NSPCC guidance is not to leave under 16 alone overnight. It’s not a one off could be a placement 6 weeks or more. All it takes is child not to wake and get to school on time for it to come out that they are regularly left alone. Or for ex to make trouble. It’s not just a few hours overnight nurses work long shifts plus commute. It could be 2 under 16s alone 5pm - school next day (if elder away at University) Day in day out for weeks.

What really? That’s mental! So they can have sex but they can’t be alone overnight?!? I went camping with friends when I was younger than that...

Like yeah I get not leaving them alone for a full weekend, in that case they would go stay with a friend or something. But not even a night? Are they not allowed to do babysitting jobs then?

That’s mental! So they can have sex but they can’t be alone overnight?!?

What does sex have to do with it? Is sex normal a risky endeavour when you do it?

@UhtredRagnarson

That’s mental! So they can have sex but they can’t be alone overnight?!?

What does sex have to do with it? Is sex normal a risky endeavour when you do it?

I mean in terms of levels of responsibility—like they can risk accidental pregnancy but they can’t be trusted to brush their own teeth?!?

I'm planning on doing it next year so I bloody hope so

Yes it is acheiveable.

Organise yourself and house prior to the start. Sort out finances and budges first. DD everything you can. Check you are not wasting money etc.

Clear the house and organise cleaning rotas since your children are all old enough to do their bit. Mine are younger and keep their own rooms tidy plus help with a bit of the house clean at weekends. No drama easy to do this. Set out the rules and stick with them, what is expected of everyone. Online shop, organise cupboards etc.

Good luck - you can do it

I mean in terms of levels of responsibility—like they can risk accidental pregnancy but they can’t be trusted to brush their own teeth?!?

I don’t think anyone is worried about them not brushing their teeth. Do you? Is that really the only risk there is to leaving a teen alone overnight?

I mean there is a poster up thread who freely admits her 11/12 year old brother was off out god knows where when his mum was working nights.

I would say that's a lot of responsibility for the 16 year old, and it could end up being that you work a fair amount of nights on placements, you will also need to sleep between shifts. If it was just going to be once a month or once every few months then sure, but I would look to get something more firm into place for nights to be honest. The mornings shouldn't be as much of an issue as a childminder is doable.

I qualified in September. (With no kids ) but many on my course had kids and commuted from across the central belt.

It’ll be doable but difficult. That’s no reason to not start it.

You won’t be on placement all the time. You don’t say what field. I’m adult. Placements including community, health visiting (which a lot of adult field had), outpatients, oncology day units don’t involve nights. So when you do have a ward that involves nights (many are quite flexible) it wouldn’t be that many.

LD and MH fields had more community based placements than acute hospital based ones, so again not really involving nights.

In Scotland you get additional funds on top of the bursary. In England I think there’s funds but don’t know if it’s a loan/grant.

Don’t be put off by potential student debt either, I’ve got 40 grand of it

@Onjnmoeiejducwoapy

Why can’t you leave a 12/13 year old overnight occasionally? They’re old enough to have a part time job, to be dating people, to be studying for exams. I really don’t underhand this idea of treating teenagers like toddlers?

I left my (very sensible) almost 15 year old home alone over night once and his school safeguarding lead rang me and said if it happened again they would report me to social services.

They had over heard him talking to his friend on the Monday. They were insistent that before age 16 it is a safeguarding concern.

@Cheator wow that is MENTAL. I’m not from this country so I’m guessing some of this must be cultural, because that is literally wild to me.

Local courses have changed and students no longer have long breaks over the summer. I’m not sure about universities in other areas.

Sorry OP but I think it’s wrong to leave 3 children unsupervised for such long periods, on a regular basis day or night. Also, whilst on placement you need to be fully focused. Would you be worrying about them at home? How would they reach you in an emergency?

As I said in a PP, I trained as a nurse in my 30’s with young children, but had good support from DH and both sets of grandparents. It was still very hard.

I don’t think that being a parent should stop anyone following their dreams, however the welfare of children should always be the priority.

You could do your access course, work as a HCA for a couple of years and then start your degree when they are older.

We are talking about under 16s here. Age of consent is 16 in England so 15 year olds aren’t supposed to be out all night having sex. Younger teens can babysit for a few hours but children/young teens being left 12/14 hours overnight regularly isn’t generally seen as an acceptable set up.

[quote Onjnmoeiejducwoapy]@Cheator wow that is MENTAL. I’m not from this country so I’m guessing some of this must be cultural, because that is literally wild to me.[/quote]
I was shocked myself. They were very abrupt with me too. I had sent the younger two to my sisters while I went on my work do, the oldest preferred to stay home and I honestly didn't give it a second thought.