To think obtaining a nursing degree as a single mum...

[PurpleReigns]

...with 3 children and no support will be hard, but is manageable?

I applied last year and was offered a place at university, however, my marriage broke down and so I deferred to this year. I’m now starting this September. I have DC, 10, 12 and 15. No family nearby, friends that will help out on occasion, with the youngest at least. exDH not reliable with contact.

I am getting on in age and feel if I don’t do it this year that will be the end and I’ll be stuck in dead end jobs for the rest of my life. I will need to do an access course if I were to try again to start with...

I have had a few looks from people about doing it this year, so want to see what MN thinks.

AIBU to think studying a nursing degree as a single mum is achievable?

[quote zippy90]@CandyLeBonBon soon to have 3 under 4, plenty of family support in normal times. With father of children but it's rocky. Did hope to start when the oldest two are in full time school, but now I'm not so sure. I've got a virtual open day soon so hopefully will get to ask some questions. [/quote]
I went back to uni as a single parent of 3 in 2017 and graduated with a 1st in 2020. It sounds like you have a great support network so Absolutely go for it. It sounds like that's going to work for you, in which case, you give that the best of your best shots, and I hope you reach your goals because not enough women do.

My recent degree was not in nursing and there is absolutely no way I could've done a degree where I needed to be away from home on placements in the way that most medical degrees expect. I'm currently doing a masters. My eldest is 19 (asd) and I would still struggle to do any kind of work which expected my eldest (or even my middle kid) to be comfortable being effectively in charge in my absence, overnight, for more than one night a week.

And I say this as a person who was expected to fend for themselves 5 nights out of 7 at the age of 12/13.

I think it works if there is a robust support network in place, but if not, there's a lot of things that can go wrong.

I just qualified as a midwife and I’m a single parent. When my marriage broke down I spoke to my hospital and negotiated to do day shifts only, no nights. They were fine with it. Another parent on my course negotiated to do set days each week; much easier for organising childcare. OP, start your access course, don’t wait. Your kids will all be secondary age by the time you start your degree. Maybe you can negotiate with their dad to have them more; you can get some after school help- although tbh if my NT year 7 child couldn’t get themselves up to school in the morning and home again I’d be concerned about them. I wouldn’t leave my year 7 overnight but a few hours after school twice a week should be fine. Can you make friends with your neighbours so there’s someone to ask for help in an emergency? I definitely wouldn’t get an au pair for secondary age kids, that’s nuts.

I think you'd be setting a stellar example to your kids op. It won't be easy but it'll be worth it. Good for you!

I'm an RNLD. Because of the clinical settings we work in, most of my placements were 9-5 Mon-Fri with minimal nights, although had long commutes.

Do it op. Your kids are older and I believe you can make the shifts work.

I decided on a social work degree as I felt I could not do a nursing degree with a 4 year old. But your kids are older.

I was the 16 year old you describe here and I resented my parents so much (they weren’t in nursing but jobs with variable, long hours)

Making a 16 year old take that responsibly and loss is freedom is so so so unfair.

It’s about 15 years since I trained but when I was training it was always negotiable, we didn’t have to do nights until 2nd year and even then I think you only had to do about 2 weeks worth over the entire course. I regularly mentor students and my team and I are always as reasonable and flexible as can be (my team nearly all have young kids and I myself became a single mum when my son was 18 months with limited support so I know what it’s like!) I would say go for it and you will find a way but it will be very difficult at times and push you to your limits! If you are doing the access course it will be another year down the line before the placements really effect you anyway and the outcome at the end will be a really enjoyable career and steady income for your family!

I've had students with children and everyone has always been really flexible with them. At our unis students only need to do 2 weeks night shift in the whole course (3 nights per week) so if you could agree their dad was to have them then that would sort nightshift. Students often get a flyer never mind needing to stay late but obviously it's great if you can offer now and again.

The wards should be flexible around day shifts - if you were long days or lates you might finish around 8 or 9pm but if the youngest go to homework club and then lots of options like eldest reheat something you've left and get them to bed max 3 x per week or you can do weekends because dad can have them or pay a friend/childminder a couple times those weeks. Some wards only do long days some don't do them. Community would be easiest shift-wise.

As someone up thread said you no longer have to spend 40 or 50% of your time with your mentor. I think it's definitely doable and when you make your initial learning contract discuss your family and come to an agreement about max number of x-type of shifts or preferences for weekends or whatever fits. You're supernumerary so it shouldn't be a big deal.

Good luck!!

@LynetteScavo

A live in au-pair sounds ideal for this age group! Au pairs are youngish and cheap-ish but can make sure your DC are home and fed when they should be.

A 17/18 year old to babysit a 15-16 year old? And with herself and 3 older children, where exactly would an au pair sleep?

@shrodingersbiscuit

My mum trained as a single mum when I was a teenager - she started when I was 13 and she graduated the year I went to uni when I was 17! First in our whole family to go to uni, she’s always wanted to be a nurse and looking back I’m so proud of how hard she must have worked to achieve that.

I have a younger brother (by 18 months) and we had no extended family etc to look after us, and definitely no money for some of the mad au pair suggestions here (where does a single parent on a student nursing bursary get the money to pay an au pair ffs?!). We were bloody fine when mum was on nights as kids - and my brother was WILD. We sometimes played up a bit, I know I had my boyfriend round when I wasn’t allowed while mum was on nights and my brother wouldn’t be in when he was supposed to be but mum certainly wasn’t the only single parent in the same position and we just got on with it.

Your 16 year old checking your 11 year old isn’t running completely wild isn’t really ‘childcare’ is it? It’s just being siblings. If they know not to open the door to strangers/not set fire to the house and they get free access to the snacks and TV they’ll be grand and placements aren’t all year every year - and not all placements include shifts, you have a district placement that’s just office hours for example.

Thank you for posting x

Uni’s can be flexible for placements if you have a good reason. I’m an OT and they were really good with me. Could you request outpatient only placement(s) in the first year and state it’s due to childcare difficulties. It will mean only day working and then by the time year 2 rolls round the kids will be older. Your ex will need to step up (hopefully)

Thanks everyone, some food for thought and a lot of encouragement. I’m going to go for it.

Also, not going to float the idea of an au pair, my 15 year old DS I’m sure would love the idea 😬

@PurpleReigns

Thanks everyone, some food for thought and a lot of encouragement. I’m going to go for it.

Excellent news!! I hope you love it. Just think it's only 3 years (only a proportion on placement) and it will fly by so fast and then the options really open for you.

I'm another saying you really need to arrange some sort of back-up childcare for the younger ones.

It's a huge imposition for the 15yo and massively limiting too - it means they can't get a job, get driving lessons before/after school, hang out with friends - they have to go home, sort dinner and look after their siblings.

I imagine your DS loves the idea of being home alone but the reality of it plus all the responsibility is very different.

It’s more a teenage boy with an au pair a year or so older... I’m sure he would like it very much!

Also, like others have said. It will be a small amount of time over the 3 years that I would need to really on my eldest.

Our ward try to be really flexible for students. We want them to succeed.

Do it! What have you got to lose by trying? Even if you do the access course and a year of uni before realising it doesn’t work for you, you won’t have lost anything!

I did it, it was hard especially when we had assignments at the same time as placement or if all of the children need to be in different places at the same time but you make it work.

Good luck @PurpleReigns

Been there, done that and honestly it's the wrong career if you have young kids and no support.

They not young toddler kids.

Good for you OP, I've mentored/taught some amazing single parents in my time! They generally get great results as they're motivated, committed and very very organised. The old school matron days of relentless service are gone, we try to be flexible. For instance a lot of my students are single parents to young kids, in covid world they are entitled to a school place so I've changed the lecture start time from 9.00 to 9.15 to enable them to get back from the school run. Longer term they'd need breakfast club but they'll have more income then, I'd rather they weren't spending their limited cash on pre school care for the sake of 15 minutes. When you show people these small flexible gestures you get the best from them.

I've looked into this a lot too, I'm not a single mum but my DH works and I have no support. I also have 3 children. I personally can't see a way. There's a lot of nurse mums at my DC school and when I've asked they always say they rely heavily on family to manage.

Could you do some hospital volunteer work to see how it goes? Many uni's want some kind of experience and/or evidence of recent study in their admissions criteria. This is a stumbling block for me as I've been a sahm for years and my local hospital wouldn't even let me volunteer without recent job references.
Also you wouldn't necessarily be posted to your local hospital, it could be any in the surrounding counties which would add travelling time onto your shifts. Would you be happy being far away from your children for long periods?
Then there's the unsociable hours and night shifts which carry on with the job after training.
There's also the issue of who would cover your children's sick days off school, being sent home ill, inset days and school holidays?
I don't think it's fair to rely on a teenager for support sorry.
I'm not trying to be negative, just raising the issues that I myself have found. I hope you find a way.

We had a babysitter whose previous job was a morning school run for 4 children. She was on childcare.co.uk.
If your 16 year old will be OK from say 6 am to 7.30 am then a babysitter could come in and get them all up and take any that needed it to the bus stop.
Overnight is another matter. My friend who is a hospital consultant used their old CM for overnight care for her DD but they'd been with the CM for years. You could see if a babysitter would sleep in though.

It's a big ask of your 16 year old, I wouldn't.... but I would think about it in a few years' time and cover as much of the coursework at home as I could in the meantime.

Not a chance. You will have to find childcare for them for your twelve hour night shift placements.
You can't be late but almost never finish on time and then have to drive home so looking at 14-16 hours away from them for one shift.
You will need to do research and write essays whilst your children need you to find their lost PE kit or order xyz for school.
If your exDH did 50% of spending time with your children which includes life admin (preemptively taking them shoe shopping before they grow out of shoes etc), then yes - very realistic.