To think obtaining a nursing degree as a single mum...

[PurpleReigns]

...with 3 children and no support will be hard, but is manageable?

I applied last year and was offered a place at university, however, my marriage broke down and so I deferred to this year. I’m now starting this September. I have DC, 10, 12 and 15. No family nearby, friends that will help out on occasion, with the youngest at least. exDH not reliable with contact.

I am getting on in age and feel if I don’t do it this year that will be the end and I’ll be stuck in dead end jobs for the rest of my life. I will need to do an access course if I were to try again to start with...

I have had a few looks from people about doing it this year, so want to see what MN thinks.

AIBU to think studying a nursing degree as a single mum is achievable?

@PurpleReigns

They absolutely would not need to worry about the younger two doing homework etc! For a start they will both be going to ‘homework club’ after school. They are all quite capable and mature. They all regularly cook and can fix themselves a simple meal. I plan on batch cooking and having meals that they can just heat up, but they can all cook pasta / omelettes / heat a pizza etc.

Please don't op. Wait 2-3 years. From experience, it can have quite long lasting repercussions

It will be incredibly difficult for all the reasons mentioned above. I think the more important people to ask are your children, especially your eldest who will have to either act older than they are and take on a huge amount of childcare or act much younger than they are and tolerate a babysitter type person in the house for large amounts of time.

Absolutely no guarantee you would be back in town for breakfast. What if your night shift finishes at 8am, you get off late and are on placement an hour away from your house?

I just want to clarify - I would only rely on my eldest as being old enough to be responsible for them overnight, when I do a night shift. I plan on feeding them all, getting them ready for bed etc and eldest will have the job of making sure lights are out at a reasonable time. That’s all.

Op you could just delay it for a few years. Start in say 3 years and you’ve no childcare to worry about.

@TooStressyTooMessy

It will be incredibly difficult for all the reasons mentioned above. I think the more important people to ask are your children, especially your eldest who will have to either act older than they are and take on a huge amount of childcare or act much younger than they are and tolerate a babysitter type person in the house for large amounts of time.

Absolutely no guarantee you would be back in town for breakfast. What if your night shift finishes at 8am, you get off late and are on placement an hour away from your house?

Would you mind elaborating on this? Genuinely would like to know more if you feel able to share?

@TooStressyTooMessy

It will be incredibly difficult for all the reasons mentioned above. I think the more important people to ask are your children, especially your eldest who will have to either act older than they are and take on a huge amount of childcare or act much younger than they are and tolerate a babysitter type person in the house for large amounts of time.

Absolutely no guarantee you would be back in town for breakfast. What if your night shift finishes at 8am, you get off late and are on placement an hour away from your house?

My children are my biggest supporters and are cheering me on, they really want me to go for it. But yes, I will have a more structured conversation with them, particularly with the eldest

@UhtredRagnarson

Op you could just delay it for a few years. Start in say 3 years and you’ve no childcare to worry about.

I would then need to do an access course, so will be adding another year on, and honestly, but the time I would graduate there wouldn’t be much point. I feel this is my last chance.

I’d do it. Doing a night shift doesn't make you a better nurse. You can negotiate your placements- please speak to the university- you are supernumerary on placements, you can opt out of nights for extreme circumstances such as childcare. There are loads
of nursing jobs that then do child friendly hours once qualified, community, primary, commissioning no nights no weekends, no bank holidays etc good luck.

A live in au-pair sounds ideal for this age group! Au pairs are youngish and cheap-ish but can make sure your DC are home and fed when they should be.

I think with solid plans in place, it can be doable.

However, be very careful about relying on your older child as childcare.

My parents were both in Nursing and when I went to secondary, decided they didn't want to organise opposite shifts anymore. So, at 11/12 I was often responsible for collecting my sister (8 at the time), bringing her home, cooking tea and taking charge until around 10pm. Or getting us both up and her to breakfast club, me to school in the morning. I was a sensible kid but it was a huge responsibility and I really resented it.

They had to adapt when I got to 14 as I got a weekend job.

Not sure where you are training op, but I worked with a nurse who has recently qualified. She was a single mum with 3 young children. Basically she did 9-5 on all her placements. I think she looked in to it and although it's favourable to a range of hours for the experience, I don't think it could be enforced. I remember her saying people just aren't aware of it, as its a university course it can be normal working hours 🤷‍♀️. Worth looking in to.

Why would you need to do an access course in 3 years but not now?

Also an access course could be started in 2 years as they are nothing like a nursing degree in terms of shifts etc- it’s just day time college hours so you would still be starting the nursing degree in 3 years.

Also I’m a bit that it would be pointless to start your career 3 years later than currently planned. Do you not plan to live very long?

I have to say I reflected after I wrote that and thought I sounded a bit harsh. If your kids are all for it then that puts a different spin on it.

I just mean that your 15, soon to be 16 year old will effectively be in charge of bedtime and mornings at various points which might be a lot to put on them (that’s what I meant by acting older). Different places work different shifts so in the evening if you start at 7pm on a night then that is a large chunk of the evening that your 16 year old would be responsible for, assuming you would leave at 6pm or so.

So if you decide that is too much and you get some childcare in, things could go the other way and they would feel patronised as all three might feel too old for childcare.

Up to you and your family of course. Best of luck if you go for it.

I know lots of people disagree with me but I firmly believe nursing is NOT family friendly. I’m a HCP who moved sideways as the hours were intolerable for me once I had kids.

I also meant to write back in ‘time’ for breakfast, not ‘town’!

I know lots of people disagree with me but I firmly believe nursing is NOT family friendly.

I agree. I’ve never understood the 12 hour shifts requirement. Make them 8 hours and have 3 shifts. Far better for staff well being.

Apart from night shifts there's lates, earlies, long days, weekends and bank holidays to think about. Maybe 12 hour shifts.

A late followed by an early means you won't see your children for 48 hours.

That's an awful lot to expect of a 16 year old

I don't want to be a downer on this, as I'm a big advocate of personal development. But I have a very close friend who has 3 children and decided to do her midwifery course. Firstly I'm pleased to hear you are considering the children, as my friend was just hoping to wing-it and that everything would fall into place...which it really didn't.

All was fine for the first two years, but when placements started it all went downhill. Like you, she had no family to rely on and the ex was hit and Miss in terms of reliability. Therefore responsibility fell to the eldest, then 15 at the time to take care of the 6 and 10 year old. Rarely did she make it home for breakfast, meaning the eldest was getting the younger two up and ready for school. She would then walk then to primary school and then set off back in the opposite direction to get to her secondary. I watched, over time, the relationship between mother and daughter rapidly decline. Eldest lost a lot of her free time, and struggled to study for her GCSEs whilst taking care of the younger two.

Now qualified, it doesn't get any easier due to the unsocial shifts. And the relationship broke down so much with the eldest that she deliberately took on two jobs so she couldn't look after the youngest, and just after her 17th birthday she moved out. She will be off to university soon and I very much doubt she will stay local. So my friend is now left stuck again with childcare, and is considering passing this down to the next child. It's just a disaster.

That's probably an extreme example, but I just wanted you to realise that your eldest, whilst mature and supports your desire to train, might not want to take this on long term. Think of how much you value your relationship, is it worth straining it? I have to agree with what some posters say, and perhaps hold off until they're all older. You're never too old to study.

I think you need to check with the university rather than random MNers. Many allow single parents to have local day shifts for example. I think it'll probably be doable though. Although you'll have some clinical in the first two years, the bulk will be in year 3, by which time your youngest will be 13 and hopefully a lot more independent.

Alternatively a local gap year or sixth from student might be willing to be informal nanny/greeter/homework supervisor/ after school snack provider.

There is also the option of interrupting between second and third years - that avoids you having to do an Access (presume your existing L3 'run out' soon?) but allows you to delay the final intensive year.

You won't regret giving it a go, but you will regret not trying I'd imagine.

I’m not going to vote because it’s a bit of both.

My DSis did a nursing degree as a single Mum, but she was only able to do it because my DParents live in the same town and had my DNephew for all her night shifts.

From what I remember a nursing degree doesn’t match school summer holidays - who will look after your children in the holidays when you’re on placement? Your placement shifts won’t be 9-5 either - who will collect your 10 year old from school etc?

If I were you I’d wait until your youngest is 14 or so. If you’ve got no family nearby you will genuinely struggle. Better to do it in a few years when you can manage childcare.

@PurpleReigns

I just want to clarify - I would only rely on my eldest as being old enough to be responsible for them overnight, when I do a night shift. I plan on feeding them all, getting them ready for bed etc and eldest will have the job of making sure lights are out at a reasonable time. That’s all.

I'm all for self development - I just finished my degree last year (not nursing) but a nursing degree is BRUTAL. It's absolutely unfair to expect your 16 y/o to take on overnight parenting responsibilities. There's a difference between encouraging them to develop their independence in a safe way and expecting them to co-parent.

I know I'm repeating myself but listen to Lollipop upthread. It's too much for the elder child. The expectation is unfair and I think it may damage your relationship. I speak from similar experience. Plus, if she procures a job etc it will screw you up anyway.

Nursing and midwifery are in no way shape or form family friendly, nor flexible. The service needs always come first.

I did it. Was it hard? Yes! But manageable. I can count on one hand the number of nights I did in the 3 years. Even though I had bursary we didn't get paid for placements and nurses get paid enhancements for nights. Every placement I had was pretty good at recognising that and I bascially chose my shifts. You only have to work with your mentor 40% of the time.
I might have just been lucky but most of my cohort had the same experience. I never worked weekends either. I was working as a hca every weekend and all my mentors were very accommodating. I'd say go for it. Choose a uni that has a good student support rating

My gosh this was a little bit depressing, it was my pipe dream but will have 3 very small children. Guess it's out 💔

Honestly tho op, I think you should go for it but be mindful of not putting too much on the shoulders of your eldest.

I was in the exact position as you with very similar aged children. Go for it. My 16 year old was sensible enough to be in charge of my other two children on the very few nights I did in my first year. I had no family close by but a couple of very supportive friends. I did long days so had 4 days off for studying and most of my mentors were understanding of my situation and because of your home situation you will be one of the most organised students in your cohort. I even managed to do bank shifts to add to the coffers. You will also have support from the other students and make some lifelong friends. I was 49 when I qualified and I have just retired from a very rewarding career😊.