To hope for the worst re pregnancy :(

[woooooohhhhhh]

So sorry if this is sensitive 😭

Be kind. I'm 40, divorcee.

Ok early pregnancy and I'm exhausted 😭I specifically told me partner last night I was exhausted- I had been for an east scab due to a suspected ectopic pregnancy and I have to go back In 10 days. Still no further forward. I suffered a previous pregnancy as ectopic. This morning I woke early to find him grinding against my back- it's was before 7am and he instigated sex which at first I told him I was still tired and then I caved in.

Later I went out and bought some lovely food and drinks and cooked and then 5 mins before everything was due to be ready I said I wanted to go and watch something that started on tv and could he finish off and bring the food through. He kicked off and stormed out. Now he's disappeared ...again.1

I am too old for this bull shit. So although I adore my kids and don't want a termination...I just don't know how I can move forward here.

I love him. I love my children. But I'm fed up of carrying everything for everyone else.

So many red flags about this man & your own situation.

You do not have to continue this pregnancy.
You have choice & free will.
You have raised a family of three young people & are just poised to reap the rewards of your maturity, long-term nurturing & the growing independence of your family. The time to lighten the load of parental responsibilities, to put yourself first & foremost.

Why have a baby now, why repeat the 20 year long parental cycle?

Why tie yourself to this inadequate man for the rest of your life? Why?
Even if you go ahead with the pregnancy solo, he’ll still be around as the child’s father whether you like it or not ? Why?

You are financially independent, why carry this man ?

If you do choose a termination, you may feel loss for some time. But you will also feel relief & have freedom to make choices of your own - not being tricked into a pregnancy or coerced to have sex. No matter how good a shag he may be in the moment, the rest of the time he’s not good for you.

You need to give yourself a reality check. This 'man' is not someone I would want a child with.

You deserve so much better than this. Get rid. Then decide what to do about the baby but you’ve raised three beautiful children and now have a chance to start afresh. Your kids are almost grown up. I can’t imagine you really want to start all that again.

oh god. get rid of the man!

i would also terminate. I would not want another baby at 40, kids independent and you have your entire life ahead of you

dont get bogged down with this poor excuse of a man!!!

your house, chuck him out!

So sorry you're going through this OP. He sounds absolutely vile and personally I'd rather be single than love with that kind of man. Please pleas raise your standards you are worth so much more x

Well, it gets worse with every post OP.

What else is to come?

@woooooohhhhhh

I'm sorry you've been there. At the moment I genuinely would rather be on my own. But I do lOve many aspects of him.

What aspects??

The man is a pig.

No other attributes make up for that.

He sounds awful. Don't tie yourself to this absolute prick.

Do what’s best for you and your DC.

Kick him out. Honestly, that’s a toxic relationship you’re describing.

Blimey, I’m actually a bit speechless. I think you need to end this and raise the bar op. Why are you putting up with this? And potentially have another baby to care for too?

He's treating you as if you're just a hole, do you realise that?

@woooooohhhhhh

Why though when I'm 40 years old and worldly wise did I feel that I should give in to him. And this is every single morning ...no evening sex or intimacy, just when he wakes horny in the morning. He has a way of persuading me of anything.

Why do you say in your OP that you ‘love him’. So he is a rapist and coerces you into sex when you are ill. This is not consensual sex. He doesn’t love you. He doesn’t respect you. He’s not even your friend.

Report him and change the locks. Pregnancy wise - your 40 and you know of the pregnancy is viable he will be in your life day in and day out.

I can’t tell you what to do. In your case I would call the police it is coercive behaviour, and I’d terminate.

Loving your children is different and not relevant here.

If you were your daughter what would you do:

Options 1) bag his stuff up and tell him to go and call the police if you like or are able to 2) call someone to come over and do it for you (he will be less likely to kick off this way) but please don’t saddle yourself thinking of your feelings - that you love him. You can’t love shit - you love trying to make it work or fix him - he doesn’t love you or anything except himself.

I absolutely agree with every comment about your partner, he sounds utterly disgusting. I actually think if you read your replies back you’ll realise that deep down you know this, you actually just need to have the courage to believe yourself. If you want to get rid of him (and for everyone’s sake, you should) maybe get one of your kids, or someone else to be with you so he can’t talk his way out of it.

The one thing I would say is that you should also feel able to keep the child if things go well. Having a child later in life can be amazing if you are financially secure and, TBH your partner sounds like he might not end up being involved in the long term anyway. Nasty men can still produce lovely kids, so don’t feel pressured either way.

@woooooohhhhhh

My dd and I have already discussed this. I told her that In her life she must look after herself, support herself and if a man comes into things, see this as an extra and a bonus.

She thinks men don't respect women and they're ridiculous- but she's my youngest she gives me advice out of love ffs

Sadly, your life choices have already affected her attitude toward men. Listen to her -- she is smarter than you about this.

OP, this sounds very hard on you. Please be compassionate towards yourself and forgive yourself for any foolishness about this man while also loving yourself enough to move through the rest of your life without him.

Confide in your family & close friends. Kick him out asap, put yourself and your children first. He will only get worse from here. He is not gonna help out with a baby as he's only interested in himself. He's a freeloading waste of oxygen. Bin him off!!

You’ve got everything going for you. Lovely children, your own house, some inheritance. You’re still relatively young. Why spoil it all by tying yourself to this pathetic man. Open your eyes. There’s nothing to love about him. Even your young daughter has more sense. Come on!

Wow this is getting worse with each post, op try a read your own posts back as if it were one of us asking for advice.

What would ‘you’ advise ‘them’ to do?

And I agree that your daughter has set such a low marker for men and relationships due to what she is picking up on a daily basis. She’s not daft.

Is this a windup? Surely you can't seriously be in this situation, even your DD is telling you what's up. Sorry that sounds harsh, if this is real, please listen to the advice here and take steps to protect yourself and DC from this waste of space.

This needs a trigger warning for "hoping for an ectopic pregnancy."

@Honeyroar

You’ve got everything going for you. Lovely children, your own house, some inheritance. You’re still relatively young. Why spoil it all by tying yourself to this pathetic man. Open your eyes. There’s nothing to love about him. Even your young daughter has more sense. Come on!

Has OP mentioned her work situation?

Unfortunately I think the demise of tax credits might be part of the reason there seem to be more “He’s abusive but I don’t want to split” posts than ever on MN.

Not necessarily in this case but for many SAHPs, carers & part timers.

Women are scared they will go under if they need UC top ups.

Do you really love an aggressive little sex pest or are you just desperate to love something and he happened to be there.

Have you heard of the book “Women who love too much”?

Personally, I’d get a dog rather than put up with that.

Please get rid. I recognise the pattern. He will do more degrading things to you so you feel you can’t leave.

Have you had a look at the Freedom programme?

You definitely need to not let him back in when he decides to reappear. Send him to his parents.

Suppose you stay with this man and have his child. In that case, he gets to leech off you financially (which is taking money away from your three DC), he gets to use you as a piece of meat (it's clear sex is all about his needs and not yours), your DC have to share their life with a man they don't like (your DD is blatantly telling you he's not a good man without saying it outright). You'll end up saddled to him forever (a baby is the most permanent link to a man you'll ever make).

What is so wrong with you that you deserve this life? Nothing is the answer. No one deserves to be treated this way.

You don't say why you ended things with your ex, but I can't help but wonder if you think you're never going to get someone as kind as that again, and you have to settle for this walking turd. You're worth more than that. Just because one relationship failed doesn't mean to have to cling to a bad relationship.

Sometimes things end, and that's OK.