To hope for the worst re pregnancy :(

[woooooohhhhhh]

So sorry if this is sensitive 😭

Be kind. I'm 40, divorcee.

Ok early pregnancy and I'm exhausted 😭I specifically told me partner last night I was exhausted- I had been for an east scab due to a suspected ectopic pregnancy and I have to go back In 10 days. Still no further forward. I suffered a previous pregnancy as ectopic. This morning I woke early to find him grinding against my back- it's was before 7am and he instigated sex which at first I told him I was still tired and then I caved in.

Later I went out and bought some lovely food and drinks and cooked and then 5 mins before everything was due to be ready I said I wanted to go and watch something that started on tv and could he finish off and bring the food through. He kicked off and stormed out. Now he's disappeared ...again.1

I am too old for this bull shit. So although I adore my kids and don't want a termination...I just don't know how I can move forward here.

I love him. I love my children. But I'm fed up of carrying everything for everyone else.

woooooohhhhhh

'Thank you everyone. I've pretty much decided to keep the baby. I've laid down the law and although he's still here, I'm monitoring things and have stashed money aside for the baby and psychologically prepared myself for being a single mum. Being older, I feel much more confident in my abilities as a Mother and and self assured in that respect.

It's like with the focus shifting to the pregnancy, my brain is waking up and putting walls up too...this I am so happy about.

I've spoken to two close friends/realities who give me their unconditional support whatever.

One things I will say, despite my blinkered way and my vulnerability, poor decision making (initially survival instincts), I love being a mother.

If he can't change then more fooL him as the bond I will have with my baby/child if he's not there will be worth more than anything'

I've read the full thread and now I'm really concerned by your last post. You are already a mother, what about the children you already have, who must be affected by this abusive relationship you're in, regardless if you think they're unaware of it? They know, believe me, we certainly did, at a much younger age than your DC.

You will be saddled with him for the rest of your life if you have his child. You will feel obliged to take him back any time he wants, because he is 'the father of my child'. This is inescapable. Please, have another think when you're on your own for a few peaceful moments, and ask yourself what the best option for you and your existing DC is, before making any final decision.

He is an abuser. Think long and hard about whether you want to have his child. Think even longer and harder about why you are still with this abusive man. Your hormones are temporarily changed by being pregnant. He has been and always will be an abuser. Wake up and leave now.

You are being an absolute plank. Woman up and put your existing children first.

Sad thread for Mother’s Day, what about the kids you already have?

So very sad to read your latest updates.
Abusers love it when their partners have a baby - tied to them, more dependent, and a GREAT stick to beat them with - not paying them enough attention, broken nights, nappies. You are giving him a fantastic choice of excuses to go out and cheat on you, then come home and be vile.
And he cannot control his sexual demands. How will you feel when heavily pregnant and sore when he makes demands? Or just after you have delivered? Or when you have been up all night with the baby?
Remember how he uses you as an object, makes you cry, demeans you? And you want this to continue and get worse?

You said in a PP that you make bad decisions.
You are doing it again, OP.

Oh, dear. You're just not 'getting it'. He is NOT going to change. You aren't going to be raising just one child, you're going to be raising two. And one of them is already a spoilt, sexually coercive, petulant, selfish brat.

You say (paraphrasing here) "Oh, if he doesn't shape up I won't care because of the bond I'll have with the new baby". He has said he doesn't want a baby. Why on earth do you think he's going to 'shape up'. NOTHING points to him having the least little desire to 'shape up'.

What you're really doing is waiting (and hoping) he'll 'do something' that will be the straw that breaks your back and THEN you'll kick him out. News for ya....he's already done any number of things that qualify. And you still put up with him. At this point you may be thinking "It's my life...." but it isn't just your life. You are bringing an innocent child into this mess you call 'your life'.

I'm not telling you to terminate. I'm telling you that if you want to keep this baby you need to 'lose' that man.

You wanted this baby as it's another tie to him. You are 40 years old with two children. You will never learn.

Good luck, you will need it. I feel sorry for the baby you are bringing into this mess.

I've just read this thread and it breaks my heart. You're so vulnerable, abused and delusional about the outcome imo.

He won't ever change and brining a baby, no matter how much you will love it will not make you feel loved by him and I think thats what you want.

Your oldest is 20, you will be a grand soon and will have the joys of a baby around without the sleepless night, the shitty nappies, teaching and you get to love on them and send them home.

You're financially stable right now and would be looking towards retirement in the next 15-20 years, but with a new baby you may as well tack more time on that.

Consider your options, send him away for some time to think and get your thoughts together on if this is what is BEST for YOUR LIFE, forget about him.

Op, please think long and hard before putting him on the birth certificate.

He will not suddenly respect you. He has abused you very badly. Please find the freedom programme if you can, to clarify your thoughts.

Men can ramp up abuse during pregnancy so be aware of this and ready to get help.

Come back and talk about

*anything on mumsnet when you need to.

He will ruin your experience of being pregnant. Absolutely trash it.

If you’re serious about having the baby, give the baby the best start with a calm pregnancy. Get prepared for single motherhood as a single pregnant woman. It will be much better for your mental state.

Thinking about this man’s attitude to sex and your body is terrifying when you will be so vulnerable.

PLEASE don't have a baby with your abuser. I did it , horrendous 'co parenting' relationship , no maintenance EVER. Every time I looked at my child all I could see was his face looking back.
They eat like him , walk like him , it's a constant reminder.

Don’t do it OP, you would be MAD to tie yourself to that abusive cunt

If you're determined to have this baby, fine. Your choice, obviously, though I'm not convinced it's a good idea.

But why on earth haven't you dumped your boyfriend and kicked him out? He's an abusive piece of shit who uses you as a sex toy. He's hardly going to be improved when you're sleep deprived. How long after you've given birth do you think he'll wait before he insists on having sex? Do you think he's the kind of person that will care if you're sore, or bleeding, or healing from tears and stitches? If you need help after a cesarian, is this man going to provide it? Going to be there to look after your baby when you can't easily get up?

What's he actually going to add to the experience of having this child? Because I can't see that he brings anything other than stress and trauma and abuse. Even if you're keeping the baby, at least get rid of the man.

@woooooohhhhhh

Thank you everyone. I've pretty much decided to keep the baby. I've laid down the law and although he's still here, I'm monitoring things and have stashed money aside for the baby and psychologically prepared myself for being a single mum. Being older, I feel much more confident in my abilities as a Mother and and self assured in that respect.

It's like with the focus shifting to the pregnancy, my brain is waking up and putting walls up too...this I am so happy about.

I've spoken to two close friends/realities who give me their unconditional support whatever.

One things I will say, despite my blinkered way and my vulnerability, poor decision making (initially survival instincts), I love being a mother.

If he can't change then more fooL him as the bond I will have with my baby/child if he's not there will be worth more than anything

You are a financially independent woman. Kick him out of the house. You say he says sorry after hurting you... that’s a power trick.

This baby will link you to this weak man for the rest of your life. He will be in the lives of your 3 DC. They might grow up thinking that they should set the bar low for how they are treated in relationships.

You need to show your DC that you can be a stronger role model.

Cannot believe this man is still there! So, frustrating to read but I do appreciate that you're in a hormonal fog. But time to woman the fuck up!

Just popping back for an update. I'm now 9+ weeks and he's moved out. My children are supportive and excited and his parents have said they will support me too. It's hard with all the crying and begging but I have to be strong. He hasn't offered to contribute, work more or smoke or drink less. I am heartbroken though 😥

I'm so glad you're back. Your thread was heartbreaking.

That's BRILLIANT news that he is out! Do you have any of your children living with you? I hope so.

Please consider doing the Freedom Program. Your ex partner is an abuser and a rapist. He is going to be in your life forever if you have this baby, and that is at least 18 years of opportunities to destroy your happiness, and you will need help staying strong and keeping him away from you. Apart from his desire to abuse you, you also represent a means of support for him, because you are financially stable and he is not. He is doubly motivated to keep you submissive to him and he will move heaven and earth to manipulate you into letting him back.

I would be disinclined to take any support from his parents and if you do decide to go ahead with the pregnancy, do not put him on the birth certificate and do not give the child the same surname as an abuser.

I'm so proud of you for throwing him out. You've done a tremendous job!

Do you have any support from or relationship with your ex-husband? You mentioned above that he is lovely.

Thank goodness he’s gone. Now you can get on with being the best mother you can. Just keep him out.

Thank fuck he’s gone. Thank fuck. I’m so glad to read that. Your thread was harrowing.

Do not let him back in.

Thank you ❤️

My ex is lovely and always a listening ear and wants me to be ok. My kids are amazing. I wish I was the people they are.

I can't wait to have my baby in my own bed, go to bed when I want to, sleep when I want to...

As for the parents, to then I'm probably the deranged and evil witch but if they want to contribute materially then contribute away.

I am so glad to read your update. Keep thinking about the baby growing inside you and stay strong.

@woooooohhhhhh

Thank you ❤️

My ex is lovely and always a listening ear and wants me to be ok. My kids are amazing. I wish I was the people they are.

I can't wait to have my baby in my own bed, go to bed when I want to, sleep when I want to...

As for the parents, to then I'm probably the deranged and evil witch but if they want to contribute materially then contribute away.

Just popping back for an update. I'm now 9+ weeks and he's moved out. My children are supportive and excited and his parents have said they will support me too. It's hard with all the crying and begging but I have to be strong. He hasn't offered to contribute, work more or smoke or drink less. I am heartbroken though 😥

Well done you! What a huge step to take, this is great news. Of course you're heartbroken but based on everything you've posted, this is the best thing for you and your family. Wishing you all the very best!

It's amazing how hormones and maternal instinct can completely change how you think and feel❤️

Thank you everyone for the support.