To hope for the worst re pregnancy :(

[woooooohhhhhh]

So sorry if this is sensitive 😭

Be kind. I'm 40, divorcee.

Ok early pregnancy and I'm exhausted 😭I specifically told me partner last night I was exhausted- I had been for an east scab due to a suspected ectopic pregnancy and I have to go back In 10 days. Still no further forward. I suffered a previous pregnancy as ectopic. This morning I woke early to find him grinding against my back- it's was before 7am and he instigated sex which at first I told him I was still tired and then I caved in.

Later I went out and bought some lovely food and drinks and cooked and then 5 mins before everything was due to be ready I said I wanted to go and watch something that started on tv and could he finish off and bring the food through. He kicked off and stormed out. Now he's disappeared ...again.1

I am too old for this bull shit. So although I adore my kids and don't want a termination...I just don't know how I can move forward here.

I love him. I love my children. But I'm fed up of carrying everything for everyone else.

Nice update re. the baby and that you've kicked the manchild out. I think you've done really well!

Hopefully all those hormones will turn into "mum protection" mode so you'll keep the manchild out, as I really don't think he's good for either of you.

Congratulations!

Well done! In a month you’ve gone from pandering to a bully for crumbs of love to acknowledging your needs and realising he doesn’t meet them. He’s never going to be the lovely man you have in your head and you don’t want your children to see you modelling a dysfunctional relationship and you don’t want to be living it.
I am so amazed how far you have come, how open you have been to advice (and criticism). You are an amazing woman! I can hardly believe what people (mostly women) put up with from their partners, and I’m so glad that you have joined the crowd that is saying ‘no more!’
Enjoy your new baby and some lovely peaceful time before he/she arrives. 🌻

I’d pack his bags and leave them by the door, then look after yourself

Well done! X

Oh bully for you! I'm so glad.

Now just stay strong. He's going to try to weasel his way back in with promises and tears. Don't fall for it!

Im so relieved to hear your positive update op @woooooohhhhhh enjoy your pregnancy

Well done! Life will be different without having to accommodate him and his dc. Things will be far more manageable.

Just make sure you organise arrangements so he can't hold you to ransom over the DC.

I am struggling tonight, both he and his mum are doing their best to worm their way back in and I'm still emotional and vulnerable. He's told her I'm mentally ill and insane. He still has some things here and I offered to leave them outside but he will only come when I'm here

He doesn't get that choice op. Do you know his mum's address? Recorded delivery or courier them to him? Third party at the house when he comes to get his stuff while you aren't there? Police presence so he can't kick off or try to work his way back in?
Block his and his mums numbers, set up an email address for only him. Give him this email address and state you have changed your number and all communication from now on will be via this email. Only check it every so often and only to do with the baby (look up grey rock technique I.e. only responding to direct questions about baby, ignore emotional pleas, threats, angry rants etc). Until baby arrives there is little to discuss so just update on scans and give yourself some time to work on building yourself back up. You're doing well, it might be worth looking up some abuse tactics like love bombing, hoovering, trauma bonding and the abuse cycle.

I wish I was strong enough for this.

Please don't let them worm their way in.

You are strong enough for this. If you believe you are then you will be. Remind yourself over and over that you are not insane. Put his stuff on the driveway, tell him it is there then block him. Don’t engage any further.

Or perhaps you could drop it off at the police station if you are worried about leaving it out?? Surely they would not want you inviting your abusive ex (which he is) into your house when you’re pregnant. The risks are so much higher

No.
Bag them up in binliners, leave them outside and TELL him they're there, and if he doesn't come for them and take them then they'll probably be picked up by other people or rubbish collection.

If that's not enough - drop it over to his mum's house when they're not there. Just dump it on the doorstep - no need to knock/ring the bell.

He does NOT need to see you. You absolutely do NOT have to let him.

❤️

Glad you got rid of him out of the house

I agree with others either bag it up and take to police station or leave it outside on your driveway and tell him to collect on Tuesday between 2 - 4 pm or whatever time slot you choose

If he doesn't collect it then tell him it will be going in dustbin for next collection day -whenever that is

So he has the choice and he has received it in writing what you will do

BTW it might be a good idea to get a ring doorbell so that you can see your driveway and the area outside the front door

Then you can check the camera before opening the front door so he or his mother don't surprise you and try to get in your house

Good luck op

Have a friend with you when he is arriving to collect

I just phoned my local crisis team as I was despairing, I have never done this before but I spoke to the most beautiful man who helped me see my worth and look at things in a different way...as you lot do.

If anyone is despairing don't ever hesitate to call, he was amazing and told me what you all did. I'm snuggled up in bed. Going for a Greggs with my eldest tomorrow who would walk over hot coals for me if it wasn't cricket training...midwife Tuesday. Going to tap into ALL the support I can get and condition my brain...keep turning only to those who will help and support, day after day. Weakness will come I know but I can imagine my baby ❤️

Well done OP. I am a little older than you and had my son at 40. My ex sounds similar, definitely a manchild who was unable to put anyone’s needs ahead of his. I got him out of the house last November and my life is so much better without him in it!

I am really pleased you are getting support too. I did the freedom programme and found it really helpful, and my work provided free counselling. DM me if you ever need a chat! One thing that I have found is that once I had stopped putting him first I had access to a lot more support than I had realised, even in lockdown and I am actually far less isolated and lonely than I was with him here.

You got this.

This is a really good update. It is brilliant you’ve got him out. Please stay strong. It is great that your first thought was to speak to the crisis team rather than this vile man and his mother. I think therapy would be hugely helpful for you.

@woooooohhhhhh

I am struggling tonight, both he and his mum are doing their best to worm their way back in and I'm still emotional and vulnerable. He's told her I'm mentally ill and insane. He still has some things here and I offered to leave them outside but he will only come when I'm here

Remember that you (right now) are 'swimming upstream' against your past experience with him. You're used to paying attention to what he says. You're used to thinking that what he wants has 'importance' to your decisions.

Neither is true anymore. What he says, to whom he says it, and what that person thinks is no longer relevant to who you are and what you do. You just have to keep repeating to yourself "He is irrelevant to my life" every time he says or does something.

You can do this. Strength doesn't happen overnight. It's built bit by bit with every thought or action you take in your own best interests.

I hope you enjoyed your Greggs outing. How was the midwife? You must keep asking for support to keep this guy away. Don't give him an inch.

You aren't alone, by the way. There's another MNetter on here with a bloke that thinks he can decide when he comes or goes, and when it's over. It's a thing. Just hang in there, he'll get bored and go away eventually.

Worried about you op...is he back?

Stand firm op. Do not waiver.
Block him and his mother. If necessary set up a new email address and specify any child related contact only is to be via that email, and that’s the only contact you’ll be having with him.
I wouldn’t take any support from his parents, as I’d want minimal input / contact from them.
DO NOT put his name on the birth certificate, give the child your surname.