To hope for the worst re pregnancy :(

[woooooohhhhhh]

So sorry if this is sensitive 😭

Be kind. I'm 40, divorcee.

Ok early pregnancy and I'm exhausted 😭I specifically told me partner last night I was exhausted- I had been for an east scab due to a suspected ectopic pregnancy and I have to go back In 10 days. Still no further forward. I suffered a previous pregnancy as ectopic. This morning I woke early to find him grinding against my back- it's was before 7am and he instigated sex which at first I told him I was still tired and then I caved in.

Later I went out and bought some lovely food and drinks and cooked and then 5 mins before everything was due to be ready I said I wanted to go and watch something that started on tv and could he finish off and bring the food through. He kicked off and stormed out. Now he's disappeared ...again.1

I am too old for this bull shit. So although I adore my kids and don't want a termination...I just don't know how I can move forward here.

I love him. I love my children. But I'm fed up of carrying everything for everyone else.

I do know that the relationship is toxic yes. I think he does too. I think I just need a day or two to think and try and think Clearly. He can just be so nasty all the time then comes back and says sorry.

I phoned the clinic and they're going to phone me back, all I can think of it what the miscarriage will feel like and how I will feel afterwards.

@Dervel, what a sensible, supportive post. @Scbchl, please consider not everyone is able to just recognise issues and take action, no need to be so harsh.

@woooooohhhhhh "He can just be so nasty all the time then comes back and says sorry."

My first husband said sorry every time he put me in hospital, first time smashed lip and front teeth, second time smashed cheekbone. He was still saying sorry when I could see the third time coming, so I bolted, and never looked back. I am so thankful I didn't cave in and give him the child he said he wanted. His second and third wives were left with children, bruises, and a husband off playing the field then coming home angry.

My second husband is just the opposite, DH is worth all the years I waited before being ready to try another relationship. Please, keep on seeking advice, and try to find the strength to act on it. Sending you love...

You can’t think clearly when he’s there- it’s impossible.

If he’s just being him, he’s abusive- leave.

Don’t even think of trying to ‘be kind’- this doesn’t apply here at all. He kind to yourself. Be kind to your kids.

He will likely grovel, cry and apologise- do not give in. It’s just him trying to keep his comfy life.

In a year’s time, you don’t ever believe you considered staying with him.

Kick him out.

He is not going to change because he doesn't believe theres anything wrong in any of his behaviour - as the saying goes, the nasty bits of his behaviour ARE who he is.. he is showing you who he is, believe him!

THEN, once he is gone, decide what YOU want to do about the pregnancy.

Do you really want to tie yourself in ANY way to this man for the rest of your life, because having the baby will do that one way or another, but it doesnt mean you have to live with him! Or spend any time with him!

@woooooohhhhhh

I do know that the relationship is toxic yes. I think he does too. I think I just need a day or two to think and try and think Clearly. He can just be so nasty all the time then comes back and says sorry.

But he’s not sorry is he , otherwise it wouldn’t keep happening , he just says sorry because he knows that that is all it takes to keep you on side and keep his cushy lifestyle

OP can I make 1 request of you please, as someone who has witnessed their mother go from abuser to abuser for much of their life..
Please end the relationship before you go ahead with termination, if that is what you choose to do.
This unplanned pregnancy is not the route of the issues you're facing, this man's actions leading up to and after the conception are.

Thank you everyone. I've pretty much decided to keep the baby. I've laid down the law and although he's still here, I'm monitoring things and have stashed money aside for the baby and psychologically prepared myself for being a single mum. Being older, I feel much more confident in my abilities as a Mother and and self assured in that respect.

It's like with the focus shifting to the pregnancy, my brain is waking up and putting walls up too...this I am so happy about.

I've spoken to two close friends/realities who give me their unconditional support whatever.

One things I will say, despite my blinkered way and my vulnerability, poor decision making (initially survival instincts), I love being a mother.

If he can't change then more fooL him as the bond I will have with my baby/child if he's not there will be worth more than anything

It is great you love being a mother but your number one priority should be what is best for the children you have and then the baby. Is he really what you would chose as a father for your child?

I really hope you are as strong as you are trying to convey .

This is like watching a car crash. You may love being a mother but what about the child? You are choosing to bring a child into an abusive home.
In about a years time you will be on here saying he is forcing you to have sex with your baby around. Do you really think he's going to suddenly stop demanding sex?
He is absolute scum. No 'laying down the law' will change that. Please leave him and protect your children.

I'm glad you are feeling clearer and stronger and know what you want to do next.

Bear in mind, if he can change, then he's been choosing to behave in the vile way he has.
Bear in mind, there will be times over the next few months and years when you are vulnerable and in need of support. Will this man offer support, or will he take advantage of you?

Last week you were so desperate that you considered termination, despite not wanting to terminate. What's changed? Really? Tough to hear, I know, but we're worried about you.

You're right it's a car crash.

What has changed- feeling stronger, support from my children, family and friends. And yes this is hard to admit but I have babied him and having to think about a potential new life made me face up to that. And as my respect for him trickles away, so does my love.

Previous posters were right, he has no claim on anything of mine (maybe the baby if that's what happens- I still have thought over wether I'm making a big mistake). He has nothing.

I do appreciate the feedback because yes I'm vulnerable even now and hormonal too.

Sorry op but I think you are keeping the baby in the blind hope that this will be the wake up call for him and he'll change.

He won't. He knows what he's doing. He always did.

You need to get away from him and get counselling. Your vulnerable which you recognise. It's not an excuse though.

I'm being harsh but it's the truth.

My mother got pregnant in the hope my father would marry me.

I truly wish I had never been born as he didn't marry her and my whole childhood was abuse after neglect after abuse living with numerous people.

A baby never ever makes a man change to be decent when they were abusive or feckless or fucking shit before.

Please op for the sake of you and your baby please get away from this pig, abuse gets worse when pregnancy and baby’s are in the mix it will only be 10 times harder to escape once you give birth you will be so vulnerable.

OP, I'm so pleased you have got support from your family and that they will help you with the baby. Good luck with your pregnancy and I hope things improve for you.

I've laid down the law

In what way?

You've told him you won't have sex ever again in the morning (or any other time) if you don't want it equally. That he'd need to put effort in and do foreplay and gave build up etc when you do have sex?

You've told him you won't tolerate it me more flounce or tantrum from him?

You've told him he will pull his weight around the house and not have a tantrum and leave about being asked to finish cooking a meal you've prepped and made (while pregnant)?

You've told him to get a fulltime job within a feasible timescale?

You've asked to.explain exactly how you are pregnant (aside from being incredibly fertile).when he told you he wasn't able to have kids?

You think he going to stick to all these things and not cause any other issues?
(And obviously the fertility lie is a stable door, bolted horse situation).

I feel sorry for your children being around his flounces and tantrums and the horrible way he behaves in their home (or even if they were just visiting their family home). It's not fair on them. He sounds like an immature, dishonest, volatile, entitled )that he should be served by you), leachy, temperamental dickhead.

He's v v unlikely to change. Whether you continue the pregnancy or not, you'd be best getting away from him and getting him out of your home.

It took me 4 attempts to finally get my ex out of my house and life. He was pushing for a baby, actually threatened to remove my coil forcibly. He could be the sweetest bloke or make me dear for my life just my the way he would stare at me. He was demanding emotionally, sexually and financially. The relationship had so many red flags it could have been bunting for a fete. It didn’t start that way, it took a long time for me to realise the man I loved was an act to lure me in and the real person was the demanding, selfish, angry man he was now comfortable enough to be.

Be brave, end it, move on with your life. We all want to be loved, but love shouldn’t be this one sided or this hard.

Fear

And yes this is hard to admit but I have babied him

All through this thread he sounds like another child of yours, instead of a stable, responsible, mature, decent partner.

He knows you're the maternal type, hd knows you're the nurturing, supporting, look after everyone, fix everything type and yes taken total advantage of it. That's partly why he's moved into your home. He gets looked after. You can't even ask.him to finish a meal (when you're pregnant at that) without him blowing up.storming out.

He thinks you're a handy servant to lodging, board, food, sex, and probably laundry etc too. You provide a nice, cozy family home with services.

Have his own parents got sick of him?

I came home and he asked for sexual and then he has said that he doesn't want a baby.

How are you expecting him to "change" when he's admitted he doesn't even want the baby. How's he going to be when the sleepless nights, shitty nappies, teething etc are happening when he can stand and say hi you that he doesn't want a baby when you're only just pregnant.

He told you he was infertile (?) and had presumably repeated sex with condoms (dud he know you weren't on another firm if contraception) but now he doesn't want the resulting baby. That's his reaction when you tell.him it's a viable pregnancy, not ectopic.

And the fact that he said that within an apparently short time of demanding/asking for sex .... !!

He's got to be a sociopath of personality disordered or something.

He seems to think you're a live sex doll (and a household servant and provided of a home of course). All he seems to think.aboot is sex and his cock. He can't even lay off it when you're discussing an unplanned pregnancy you've just had confirmed, and while he's hitting you with the delightful news that he doesn't want it.

Your putting yourself and your children in this situation with him.
Honestly what part of you thinks that's right?! Not to do with your pregnancy but having someone like that around?!
I don't mean to be harsh but come on OP have some care for your children and your pregnancy

@woooooohhhhhh

Thank you everyone. I've pretty much decided to keep the baby. I've laid down the law and although he's still here, I'm monitoring things and have stashed money aside for the baby and psychologically prepared myself for being a single mum. Being older, I feel much more confident in my abilities as a Mother and and self assured in that respect.

It's like with the focus shifting to the pregnancy, my brain is waking up and putting walls up too...this I am so happy about.

I've spoken to two close friends/realities who give me their unconditional support whatever.

One things I will say, despite my blinkered way and my vulnerability, poor decision making (initially survival instincts), I love being a mother.

If he can't change then more fooL him as the bond I will have with my baby/child if he's not there will be worth more than anything

He's still there????

Ok you love being a mother.

Why? What about it do you love? Because this One things I will say, despite my blinkered way and my vulnerability, poor decision making (initially survival instincts), I love being a mother. Makes that statement all about you and not about your child/ren

You sound wising up about this man , and it’s understandable you are feeling protective of yourself and pregnancy. Look after yourself and allow yourself time to make your decisions about the relationship and the pregnancy. It’s great you have seen this man for who he is and thinking seriously about moving him out of your life but as you know, he will need to be a big part of your life and this will be very challenging if you have a child together

He sounds like a knob but he is a separate issue. You need to speak with professionals about your thoughts to help you make the right decision for you. ♥️