To hope for the worst re pregnancy :(

[woooooohhhhhh]

So sorry if this is sensitive 😭

Be kind. I'm 40, divorcee.

Ok early pregnancy and I'm exhausted 😭I specifically told me partner last night I was exhausted- I had been for an east scab due to a suspected ectopic pregnancy and I have to go back In 10 days. Still no further forward. I suffered a previous pregnancy as ectopic. This morning I woke early to find him grinding against my back- it's was before 7am and he instigated sex which at first I told him I was still tired and then I caved in.

Later I went out and bought some lovely food and drinks and cooked and then 5 mins before everything was due to be ready I said I wanted to go and watch something that started on tv and could he finish off and bring the food through. He kicked off and stormed out. Now he's disappeared ...again.1

I am too old for this bull shit. So although I adore my kids and don't want a termination...I just don't know how I can move forward here.

I love him. I love my children. But I'm fed up of carrying everything for everyone else.

Thank you

Everything looks completely normal with the scan so I have a lot to think about now.

Remember that you are entitled to make the decision that is right for you. What anyone else thinks (including me) is irrelevant (including 'him'), unless they're going to facilitate what 'they' think is right with financial AND practical support for as long as it's needed.

It may be silly, but I've always found writing down the 'pros and cons' to be helpful. A paper and ink list seems to help my mind from spinning with 'what ifs' and 'but thats'.

I'm glad everything is ok with the pregnancy - but I'm not sure that helps you right now. Can you talk to someone in real life about this? Your bloke sounds like a childish wanker.

I came home and he asked for sexual and then he has said that he doesn't want a baby.

Theoretically that's better for me but I'm heartbroken after seeing the baby on the screen. And very angry and devastated that suddenly now when I've got my hopes up he takes co tell and says he doesn't want to be a father.

So he wants you for sex but doesn’t want the baby? He’s disgusting. Get rid of this loser. What are you going to do about the baby?

Please tell me you’re not sticking with this relationship?

I just don't know what to do x

You do know what to do because otherwise, you wouldn't be posting on here and reading hundreds of other women ripping your partner to shreds - deservedly. You know he isn't right for you or you wouldn't have posted here would you? People with good partners do not post in AIBU and do not agree with people saying he is awful. Ypu do know what to do. You are just scared.

Gosh he's a nasty piece of work. OP, I generally make excuses for everyone, can always see both sides of a situation etc. Not this time.

He's a nasty piece of work, abusive, worse every time you mention him.

Please get rid and set up on your own. Pretty much all your problems will be solved in one stroke.

This baby is unplanned, you didn't choose to get pregnant, the father lied about being able to father children and doesn't want it, and having this baby will tie you to an abusive waste of space for the next 18 years. Talk to a counsellor, quickly, to help you get some outside advice, but from what you've said here, terminating this pregnancy and cutting off all contact with this man and his mother seem very sensible options.

Keeping the baby or not is a choice only you can make. But whatever you decide you need to get rid of him.

So sorry @woooooohhhhhh that you have such a tosser and poor specimen of a man child hanging round your neck.

I think it's completely normal to be conflicted but maybe ask yourself these questions to come to an answer:

Do you want another child?

Do you want to be doing the school run in 5 years time for the next 7-8 years?

Do you want to have to be responsible for picking up the man child's failings?

Think about how he made you feel the last time you had an argument. Do you want to feel like that for the next 18 years?

If the answer to those is no then the logical step is to have a termination. It isn't a baby yet. Yes you've had a scan but there is time and you have options. Make your choice whilst you still have the opportunity to.

If you choose to do nothing then you're choosing to stay with him and have a baby.

The cards are in your hands x

Thank you and of course I'm scared and every time he manages to reel me back in. I've asked him to leave and he says being unfair. And I misunderstood him and we have 4 weeks o decide. I have to call the clinic tomorrow. Then grieve.

He doesn't have 4 weeks to decide. He can pack his bags. Don't let him decide when or if he goes. You decide he goes.

I think you do know what to do, understandably it's hard.
He sounds like an absolutely vile man and you know you will be happier without him. As for the pregnancy, if it were me and my three children were grown, I'd not be having a fourth, especially when it would tie me to him. By the sound of it there is a fair chance you'd be going it alone anyway because he doesn't want the responsibility.

So what if he thinks you're being unfair? Actually, so what if you were actually being unfair? You don't have to be fair, it's not a game, it's your life. And he doesn't seem to add anything to it. You ask him to leave, he needs to move out. Even if he thinks you're being very mean and making a terrible mistake that you're going to regret. (I can't imagine why you would.) He doesn't get to just decide to stay, if you want him to leave.

I can see why everyone is getting so frustrated. I so desperately want him to be somebody else, the person I dreamed up when I was reading the romance and chick lit, even the famous five.

I am even more upset as my daughter has always wanted. Baby brother or sister, I'm extremely maternal. And have burning ovaries probably. BUT I am strong and will and can get over it and my children are bloody amazing. Not to mention they were wanted and still are by their Father.

I'm just upset how I've let myself down and I'll have to sort this out then grieve.

I love you all 🙏🏼

Mum in Brussels, your post is helpful . All I hear from him is I'm mean, I'm a bitch, unfair. It's actually dawned on me that the stupid baby is so afraid that I'm not going to mother and worship him any more.

@woooooohhhhhh

Mum in Brussels, your post is helpful . All I hear from him is I'm mean, I'm a bitch, unfair. It's actually dawned on me that the stupid baby is so afraid that I'm not going to mother and worship him any more.

I think this is a large part of it. If you were such a mean, unfair bitch, why would he want to stay with you, anyway? He's sounding worse with every post you make about him. The next few days are likely to be difficult, but I think they'll be a lot easier without someone telling you what a terrible person you are and coercing you into having sex when you don't want to.

Getting stuck in an abusive relationship really could happen to anyone. There is also near infinite compassion from a lot of people for women stuck in them, so don’t worry about needing support here.

I’m sad to say all this probably DOES affect your children to some degree. I’m sure you are 100% all in for them and a very good mother, but a 100% all in and very good mother, who also isn’t sliding into stress/depression/anxiety will be able to parent even better.

You aren’t really in love with him, although I appreciate it feels very much like it right now. You are in love with the false self he projected at the start of the relationship, and no doubt is capable of pulling out occasionally when he really senses you pulling away. He uses that to get all he wants in the moment, and once his needs are met he’s back to his true self.

I know it’s tempting to put off realising this, because to feel you have gotten it all so wrong can prompt a real existential crises, however I reiterate it really could happen to anyone. Being in a low state + him swanning in and love bombing you is a potent combination that could hook anyone we are all human. You aren’t singularly unique there men like him can be extremely skilled at this. Be kind to yourself.

Oh this sounds so hard. I think you need to separate the two issues.
1.You're pregnant at 40.

1. You have a horrible abusive husband.

You definitely need to get rid of the husband, he wanked over you when you were upset? That's absolutely appalling. His mum sounds like an enabler who can see no wrong in him, I'd tell her all about her precious darling. You really need to find the strength to fight for yourself.

But it doesn't actually sound like you want a termination, or you're not sure. So I think you need to think about what you want regarding the baby and if you would want the baby if you weren't with him. What he wants isn't really relevant, so just think about yourself.

Did you sleep with him op?

I think you need outside help with this. Can you contact women's aid?

Realistically, this is almost certainly your last chance to be a Mother again. If you want this baby, you need to separate that from him. You can ditch the man and have the baby, it doesn’t need to be all or nothing.

Have you thought about keeping the baby and getting rid of the bloke? Can you keep it on your own? It’s your body. He doesn’t get to tell you what to do.

Why are you letting him tell you what to do? Have you worked out if you can afford it without him