To hope for the worst re pregnancy :(

[woooooohhhhhh]

So sorry if this is sensitive 😭

Be kind. I'm 40, divorcee.

Ok early pregnancy and I'm exhausted 😭I specifically told me partner last night I was exhausted- I had been for an east scab due to a suspected ectopic pregnancy and I have to go back In 10 days. Still no further forward. I suffered a previous pregnancy as ectopic. This morning I woke early to find him grinding against my back- it's was before 7am and he instigated sex which at first I told him I was still tired and then I caved in.

Later I went out and bought some lovely food and drinks and cooked and then 5 mins before everything was due to be ready I said I wanted to go and watch something that started on tv and could he finish off and bring the food through. He kicked off and stormed out. Now he's disappeared ...again.1

I am too old for this bull shit. So although I adore my kids and don't want a termination...I just don't know how I can move forward here.

I love him. I love my children. But I'm fed up of carrying everything for everyone else.

Is your daughter a big support for you? Utilise her strength, let her help you leave him. Please, for the love of God, leave him.

Can your older children help you to get rid of him?
He's got no rights so if you tell him to go he needs to go.
Dont worry about where he will go its not your problem.
He sounds vile.
In your situation, older kids, good career, 40, I would be having a termination.
You dont want to be tied to this prick for the next 18 years.
He will dick you around over money, contact, it will be a nightmare, when the alternative is freedom, from bringing up and paying for kids, and freedom to meet someone nice.

I agree with @JosieJarker OP.

If you continue with this pregnancy you will never be able to fully remove him from your life. I'm shocked that your MIL is already sending you horrible messages, but what do you imagine she'll be like if you have this baby? I think a part of you already knows...

MN is often called a nest of vipers, but the support here for women who are in awful abusive relationships is second to none. A lot of posters have lived through what you are going through now and have come out the other side. Please do listen to their advice and rid yourself of this abhorrent man

Change the locks , get a termination and move on with your life without him op, you have his baby your saddled with him for 18 years , your children are older do you really want to start the baby stage again , at 40 probably on your own ? Enjoy your life op .. Sorry you've ended up with such a shit but it's not too late end it now before it is x

Put the whole man in the bin and get on with YOUR life.

• Did you sleep with him op?

I think you need outside help with this. Can you contact women's aid?*

I did and when I brought it up later he said he thought that was what I wanted too.

I feel less emotional today and haven't yet decided about the baby but know I can't be with him.

If you want this baby then you can do this.
He can go and if he doesn't want to be a parent have it write it down, confirming he does not want parental rights if the pregnancy continues. Have him pack his bags and go and then you can make the best decisions for yourself and your children. You do not deserve his nonsense and he does not seem to be able to be a good person or partner.

I’m very scared for you.

He is abusive and you need to get out.

If it were me and I wanted the baby? I’d leave, then later say you had a termination.
Then a one night stand that resulted in pregnancy.
Never tell him the baby is his or you’ll be stuck with his abuse for 18 years.

Change the locks. Get a ring doorbell and ask a male relative to stay. Do not ever listen when he says he’s sorry- he’s not.

The way he sexually and emotionally abuses you is despicable.

Don’t tell him your plans.

He can stay with his mum or wherever. You just need to do whatever you need to protect yourself when you make him leave.

I would even consider employing a security guard for a day to have someone there.

Just want to say I was in a similar situation a months ago, same age you, divorced with teen children and pregnant by a boyfriend that was a loser tbh, I had a termination and got rid of the bf but the right thing though, I have my life back. Life would of been very hard with a new born potentially being single, juggling work with no family to help, teens would of had to start sharing bedrooms, a lot more simple not to go ahead.
If you really want the baby then go ahead but it's hard without a good supportive partner.

Definitely take the two issues of your relationship and the pregnancy as completely separate.

Get rid of him and then you can have the headspace to think about the pregnancy and what you want, his wants are irrelevant.

I hope you find the strength to leave this disgusting abuser.

The problem is more about how you see your self worth that him being a sex pest. If you valued yourself more he wouldn't even get in your house..

Get rid of him but please think long and hard about whether you really want a termination or not. I had my DD at 40 and she's the best thing that ever happened to me.

This is one of the most horrifying threads I have read on here. What the hell are you doing even staying in a relationship with such an aggressive nasty cunt never mind having a baby in your 40s when your other children are adults and tying yourself to him forever. Its absolute sheer madness. I'm absolutely gobsmacked that anyone would keep themselves in such a shit situation.

If you have this baby you won’t only be tying yourself to a sexual a side for life but your unborn child too. You say you’re a responsible
mother and I believe you. I believe that in that light you would not want to bring a child into this world when it means for the next 18 years you will have to have contact with their abusive father - and them. You’ll also be tying your existing kids, grown up or not, to him by continuing.

Leave him, don’t tie yourself to a man who clearly hates you for the next 20 odd years. Don’t do it to your existing family. Don’t do it to a baby who can’t fend for themselves.

I agree with keeping the issues of this abusive man and the baby separate. Once you have got rid of him then you can think about the baby. Go with your heart. If you want the baby, have it. Don't have a termination just because people. tell you it will tie you to this man (it may, in a way, but with help you can be strong and keep that tie separate from your emotional well-being). Feeling you have to terminate even in part because of him is just allowing him to control your life in another way.

If you think rationally about having a baby there are almost always good reasons not to! That's why it can only really ever be a decision of the heart.

I have thought of you often all week.

'I caved in'
You need to leave.

@woooooohhhhhh

* Did you sleep with him op?

I think you need outside help with this. Can you contact women's aid?*

I did and when I brought it up later he said he thought that was what I wanted too.

I feel less emotional today and haven't yet decided about the baby but know I can't be with him.

Why did you sleep with him? I can't get my head around it. Were you scared of what happened if you didn't?

You need professional support to get rid of this man. It's really chilling.

All the best op.

This isn't love - it's ,more like addiction.

This man is terrible for you. He abuses you in every way. He told you he couldn't have children just so that he didn't have to wear a condom, didn't he?

I'm really sorry but there's no way I'd have his child. The thought of being tied to a man like that for the next 20 years is horrifying.

"He told you he couldn't have children just so that he didn't have to wear a condom, didn't he?"

Isn't this classed as rape by deception? What an absolute bastard he is.

@Scbchl your comment shows you have no idea of how abuse can affect people and their perspective and self-esteem.

I acknowledge I'm being pathetic but I am also vulnerable and yes we have some times when I feel loved and it's nice to have someone to come home to. I can't decide if it's him being clever, just who he is or me being dumb.

How long were you together when he moved in? these types try to move in quickly to control you. If his name isn't on the house you can make him leave.

@woooooohhhhhh

I acknowledge I'm being pathetic but I am also vulnerable and yes we have some times when I feel loved and it's nice to have someone to come home to. I can't decide if it's him being clever, just who he is or me being dumb.

Why does it have to be either? He's not particularly clever and I don't think you're dumb. Don't over analyze, it isn't helpful.

Do you KNOW that this relationship is poison? I believe you do. Do you KNOW that you need to end it? I believe you know that, too.

What you're afraid of is the 'unknown'. But honestly, sometimes the unknown is the best choice. It's like standing on the 'high dive' for the first time. You're scared shitless. You don't know what will happen and your mind is full of 'horrors of what may happen'. You stand there torn. Do I jump or do I climb back down the ladder. But all the while you KNOW you want to learn to jump off the high dive. You NEED to learn. So you close your eyes, bounce on your tippy-toes once or twice, take a deep breath and take that jump. And you know what? All that happens is that quick 'whoosh' and then you enter the clear, refreshing water. YOU DID IT and you come up laughing wondering why you were so scared to begin with.

You can do this. And I believe if you end it right now and cut off contact with him the decision of whether or not to terminate will be much clearer in your mind. Right now HE is blocking your path. Remove him.

OP I really feel for you.
I don't like the comments asking why did you sleep with him, that's like asking a woman experiencing DV why she never left sooner.

You are strong you've raised 3 children.
You have the will and power to end this relationship if you so wish.
Don't put yourself in the frame of mind where you are calling yourself weak, you're not weak you're being manipulated by a very uncaring man and sometimes it takes a while for the blinders to come off but it seems like your seeing him for what he is.
You deserve to be treated with respect not name called because you won't fall in line.
Please consider your options without him in your life, there's no reason you couldn't have the baby and not the relationship.
If you decide another option is the way forward make sure it's your decision and your don't feel pressured.

And finally I advice you to speak to women's aid, just for advice if anything sometimes just being able to voice how you feel out loud to someone who isn't judging you gives you the confidence you need to begin taking the steps to move forward. Sending love.