To mind that DSS wants to have children so they can go to the wedding?

[snowisfallingallaroundus]

I suddenly feel old and judgy and didn't think I was.

DSS has been with girlfriend for a number of years. Lovely couple. Bought a house together last year and now announcing they are planning to start a family. Great. They then start saying they want a family before having a wedding as it would be more fun for the kids to be in attendance and involved.

I've surprised myself at my reaction. I've said nothing to them (and never would) but in my head I'm going WTF. House, kids then marriage? If marriage is important do it before children. You don't deliberately plan it the other way. Oddly them not getting married but having children didn't elicit any reaction in me.

AIBU? Am I old and out of touch? Is this how things are done now? Any insights into why I'm feeling such a reaction?

it concerns you how?

There nothing wrong with either way... I personally dont see any reason in the world to rush into a marraige (especially not just 'because that how certain people think it should be done') but there lots of legitimate reasons to want kids sooner.

I must have been old and out of touch when in our early 20s my friend announced the same plan and judged me for prioritising marriage and homeownership prior to bringing new lives into the world.

As soon as she was pregnant with her first (with the plan being for the baby to be a flower girl at 18 months) her fiancée whose idea it had been to have kids first so they could have cute wedding pics stopped talking about the wedding. When the “baby” was 6 my friend was trapped in an abusive relationship she couldn’t afford to leave living in a property that her still “fiancée” was refusing to add her name to the mortgage on, despite her being the one paying the mortgage for years.

She’s 40, the eldest is a teenager and they still aren’t married and I’m still being judged for “being traditional” and need to “move with the times”.

Most people I’ve known who deliberately planned it so that the kids came before the wedding so they could be in the photos either never got married or they got married when those same kids were late teens or young adults when the financial implications of one of them dying became apparent.

@MysteriousMonkey

I loved having my kids at my wedding, I don't see a problem with it at all.

But did you deliberately delay the wedding so your future kids could be there?

They will probably expect YOU to look after their potential children at the wedding! I would hate to have my kids at my wedding (or any wedding) , it would be stressful and nowhere near as fun. Also people who have kids first may struggle more to save up for a wedding due to the cost of having kids as well as maybe hindering earnings if one partner drops to part time work.

I feel the same as you, OP and I can't quite put a finger on it except to say "what is their view of what a marriage is?"

DH and I got married for legal and religious reasons. To us, it solidified our commitment to each other and symbolised our becoming a family. This meant that when Covid prevented the big wedding and party we had planned we just sort of shrugged and had a small ceremony and no reception as the restrictions allowed. The marriage meant more than the accompanying party.

A couple that DH was friends with lost it and totally fell out us over it (no idea why the wife took offence at this - she had already declined the original invitation). The couple have children together and when they couldn't have the day they wanted they postponed for an entire year.

I mean, fine, crack on and whatever but why is my desire to marry someone in keeping with my religious tradition more weird to her than that the idea that marriage is just an excuse for a wedding/party?

I was an "unmarried mother" - single parents had not been invented.

My son was a bastard, so it grieves me that he has recently fathered a bastard.
There is no reason for this - he's been with the child's mother for many years. The child - & mother - will have no legal protection.

@Hopdathelf you're right! Should have said in England.

They will probably expect YOU to look after their potential children at the wedding!

This occurred to me too! Having your own kids at your own wedding is all fine and good if someone is looking after them for the majority of it.

Getting married and then having children - fine
Having children and then getting married (or not) - fine

Putting off getting married so that your children can be there on the wedding day - odd

Is experiencing the wedding day supposed to be for their benefit (at how old?) or the parents'? If someone wants it that way then that's their decision, but for me it'd be putting too much emphasis on a single day and not on the marriage.

It’s quite common to have children first nowadays.

Oh would you look at that ... you are old and judgy.

It doesn't really make a lot of difference , does it? Whether they get a house, start a family and get married or get a house, get married and start a family... as long as they're smart about their finances.

Okay to have children when you're not married. Okay to have them when you're married. Okay to marry after having them.

But to actually plan to have them first then a wedding so they can be there is odd . I'm unbothered if I'm thought judgemental, it's my view.

Send them this, they need to be aware of the legal implications of having children before marriage. They will have no legal rights if either of them died, they wouldn't be next of kin. No right to be informed of death or funeral arrangements and no right to inheritance.

www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/living-together-marriage-and-civil-partnership/living-together-and-marriage-legal-differences/

They will probably expect YOU to look after their potential children at the wedding!

Don't forget the two week honeymoon too, and they'll probably ask for donations towards the honeymoon too.

I'd question how much fun being involved with a wedding realistically would be for the children. On the day, maybe, but do they really want weeks or months of their parents being constantly preoccupied with wedding arrangements?

Wow. Very judgy Op.
We got a mortgage, had 2 kids then got married. We'd been together 9 years when we married. Our girls were our flower girls and it was magical them being present, walking down the aisle with myself and bridesmaids.
Who cares what way they do it. If they're going to spend the rest of their lives together then doesn't matter.
Be genuinely happy for them

It’s such a personal choice. There is no right answer. As long as they aren’t hurting anyone then what’s the big deal? We wanted to be married before we had kids but that was us! We got married, had kids, then went to Uni and the house came after all of that. It worked for us. We have loads of friends who have done things in different orders and it’s made no difference to anyone’s lives. It’s really nothing to get upset about. YABU.

Marriage provides a legal and economic framework to facilitate a stable upbringing for children. People can certainly replicate that themselves with trips to solicitors and financial planners and that is a perfectly valid choice, but that doesn’t seem to happen very often.

We did house, two kids, then marriage after nearly 20 years. DH's family were scandalised
Basically we were ready to get on the housing ladder long before we were ready for kids or marriage.
Wedding was a grand total of four people and a live stream to my Mum.
I appreciate it's not the traditional way but suited us well.

It’s in very poor taste to have a large wedding if you have been living together and have children together. Illegitimacy is bad for society; on average, children do much better in two parent homes.

Age 39 here, 21 years relationship, 19 years mortgage, 14 year old DD and 10th wedding anniversary this year 🤷🏻‍♀️

I genuinely love listening to non parents lofty aspirations of what they’ll do with their future kids whilst thinking ‘ HAHAHA...good luck with that!’

I’m sure you will travel the world just like that family you follow on Instagram! Yup swanning around Thailand with your well behaved and cuisine curious 5 & 3 year old having a whale of a time! Definitely not traipsing around Asda at 7am on a Saturday morning buying beige food your kids might eat whilst shouting ‘don’t touch that’ and making empty threats to cancel the week holiday in a haven caravan you already can’t be arsed to pack for!

OP There’s nothing ‘wrong’ with it by today’s modern standards but as someone who did it the more ‘traditional’ way (house, married, kids) I find it VERY hard to believe they’ll bother with the fuss, planning or expense of a wedding with small children on the scene. By the time the kids are old enough they have time/money again I imagine the kids will be more interested in their own lives than their mum and dad getting married.

Wow so judgemental.

DP and I have a house together & DS - we’ll definitely get married but finish our family first.

We’re spending our money renovating our home and building a comfortable lifestyle for our children. We’ll have our celebration later. We committed to each other when we tried for DS.

Delaying a wedding because you can’t afford it is foolish. A registry office wedding is just as valid. Why waste money on a huge wedding when you could put that money toward the house and children?