To mind that DSS wants to have children so they can go to the wedding?

[snowisfallingallaroundus]

I suddenly feel old and judgy and didn't think I was.

DSS has been with girlfriend for a number of years. Lovely couple. Bought a house together last year and now announcing they are planning to start a family. Great. They then start saying they want a family before having a wedding as it would be more fun for the kids to be in attendance and involved.

I've surprised myself at my reaction. I've said nothing to them (and never would) but in my head I'm going WTF. House, kids then marriage? If marriage is important do it before children. You don't deliberately plan it the other way. Oddly them not getting married but having children didn't elicit any reaction in me.

AIBU? Am I old and out of touch? Is this how things are done now? Any insights into why I'm feeling such a reaction?

[skwish]

For the life of me, I don’t know why anyone would choose to have their kids at any wedding they attended, least of all their own! I say that as someone who had a 4yo dc at her own wedding. Never got to taste our posh and much-anticipated cheese board as every time I got a plate, dc needed a wee, and by the time I got back it had been cleared! Weddings are much more fun for adults when children aren’t there!

[Flatoutonsofa]

Well, as someone has already said, they clearly don't understand the legal side of marriage, but if that's what they want to do, it's up to them. Sounds flipping daft to me, given their reasoning, but that's me. Besides which, having had kids and having got married beforehand, I think it's infinitely preferable to enjoy your wedding day and honeymoon without the extra burden of little kiddies to worry about, if you see what I mean. But it's their decision. You haven't said anything and both parties are entitled to their own opinion.

[theleafandnotthetree]

I suspect that people are more in love with the idea of the beautiful children (because OF COURSE they're going to be beautiful) in the 'stunning hun' pictures and the reflected and amplified glory of the perfection of it all than the reality of frequent wees, toothless 6 year olds and likely grumpiness. Agree with others, I didn't want or have children that I had no responsibility for at my wedding, much less children I'd have to take care of.

[Beautiful3]

That's werid to want to do it the wrong way around. They'll probably never bother getting married because after kids, moneys always tight. I personally think its daft to do it the wrong way around.

[FreddieMercurysCat]

I have been married twice. I have 2 kids, one with each husband. My eldest was 2 when me and his dad got married. My youngest was 6 (eldest 18) when I got married to my youngest’s dad. Kid(s) were in attendance. I don’t see the problem, although you have less money for weddings when you have kids.

[FreddieMercurysCat]

And no honeymoon....

[breadbinbaby]

A huge number of these responses boil down to: I myself don’t understand the legal implications of marriage and just think it’s the most financially advantageous thing for all women in all scenarios; my marriage was instead of a career and I resent women who have both; I don’t like my own kids much.

[Size5s]

Yes you are. My and my partners kids are 20 and 18 and still not married. We have a house too! Security is a poor excuse. Make sure you have wills, mortgage rights for both people on mortgage, etc. Sorting out paper work with a solicitor is far cheaper than a posh frock for the day and the money I saved will buy a deposit for my kids, with or without marriage or kids in the 'correct' order!

[MadameButterface]

mn is so keen to stick the boot into people for wanting big insta friendly weddings/not understanding the legal protections marriage offers/deliberately having dc out of wedlock (the very idea of this scandalous behaviour had me ringing for the housemaid to come and loosen my corset to avert apoplexy) that they've completely missed the point that no one knows the real reason this couple is prioritising ttc over planning a wedding.

[Localocal]

If it floats their boat, why not? My oldest son was at our wedding as a toddler and I was very happy to have him there. The other two weren't there, and that's ok too.

[notalwaysalondoner]

I went to my parents' wedding - I was 6, my siblings 4 and 1. They didn't get married sooner because my mother had been married before and was really against hte idea of doing it again. Then once they had me, they were too busy juggling small children and other big life projects to get round to it for a few years. I do think financially it doesn't make sense to delay it on purpose though - it leaves both partners exposed if they break up, particularly if one is impacted career-wise more than the other after children arrive.

[Copperbeaches]

We had a child before getting married, but def not so could be at the wedding, as our first wedding planning job was to find a babysitter that would have him for 24 hours!! He was 2 yrs old

He came to ceremony but it was a very quick one and then babysitter took him home and we stayed at venue that eve.
So we did baby, move country, wedding and Just sorting house

Only reason baby first was getting older and husband was just rubbish at getting the courage to propose!!!

[waitingpatientlyforspring]

@Neolara

I think I would have the same reaction as you OP. But I am also old. For me, it's about being protected financially when one person's career takes a step back due to kids. I'd also wonder if one person isn't properly committed. (I know this is not altogether logical as some people can get married without being committed, other people can be together without being married and are totally committed etc.)

I agree with this statement.

I've known people say they can't afford to get married so will have children now and will get married later - and I'm thinking, if they can't afford it now then there is even less of a chance they can afford it later.

As pp said, marriage is primarily there to give legal rights to both parties, not only in the event of divorce but also if one person dies they don't have the same rights and protections and this could financially impact them negatively.

Everyone has a right to do things their own way but my worry would be they hadn't thought through the practicalities of marriage particularly if they were to have children.

I would have to say something in a very non judgemental way. This isn't about doing things in 'the correct order' but there are practical reasons why there is usually an order to these things. I know many people don't like thinking about worst case scenario's but by being prepared for them you can kind of forget about them.

[donewithitalltodayandxmas]

I had my kids before we git married and they were 4&3 when we married and were involved , though we had 25 kids attend as lots of neices and nephews and cousins etc
It was a great fun family day and everyone said how much they enjoyed, kids were all amazingly behaved ( we did have bouncy castle)
We just decided to have kids first as we couldn't afford wedding we wanted and kids and as we wanted kids before a certain age , we went for kids first.
No wrong or right really just do what is right for your situation
We are still married 12 years later

[Mollymoostoo]

And if they struggle to get pregnant, then what? Will they not get married?
There is a big assumption that things will go as planned. Just hope they don't split up before they get wed because having children is like a magnifying glass on cracks in a relationship.

[NicelySpicy]

I don’t agree with it but understand that my view is not very current. I want the security of someone committing fully to me and setting up a home with me before introducing children who have no say on their introduction to the world into the mix. Having them first just to have them attend the wedding sounds immature at best.

[breadbinbaby]

There is no non-judgemental way to feel you ‘have to say something’ about an adult couple’s reproductive choices. What is wrong with you that you would think that?!

[Notreallyhappy]

I would prefer the marriage first. And who'll look after the children when they are being bride & groom 😬

[ZoeCM]

Yeah, I am interested in what the wedding is about, if you have it later after years of living together, and you have also already dealt with the legal stuff.

Some of the legal stuff can only be dealt with via marriage (i.e. inheritance tax, bereavement allowance, etc.).

[Copperbeaches]

@FreddieMercurysCat sadly your are right we didn't hsve a honey moon, we probably won't till our DS is 18
So will more likely anniversary trip instead, but we have said it will be a proper indulgent, all inclusive, beach like honey moon as by then will need a break!!

[Bertiebiscuit]

Their lives their choice - if you can't support their choices at least don't ever say anything - you risk looking like the kind of interfering mother in law that causes terrible family rifts - they don't need your approval - don't give unasked for opinions or advice

[Cakeandcoffeea]

If they can survive having children and still want to get married then that to me is amazing ! Having kids is hard, harder than marriage! I know of couples who have done it both ways and the ones who had kids first definitely seem stronger and more in love now. Each to their own 100%. It’s a very personal thing

[Tessabelle74]

We deliberately waited until our youngest was old enough to be a page boy at our wedding, we got all 3 of them christened on the same day, it was perfect. Our youngest actually turned out to NOT be the youngest so we called her the month we were married so she had a link to the wedding she wasn't here for

[OverTheRubicon]

@Cakeandcoffeea

If they can survive having children and still want to get married then that to me is amazing ! Having kids is hard, harder than marriage! I know of couples who have done it both ways and the ones who had kids first definitely seem stronger and more in love now. Each to their own 100%. It’s a very personal thing

Absolutely. The issue being that if they DON'T survive having children, many women (and some men) are left absolutely screwed.