To mind that DSS wants to have children so they can go to the wedding?

[snowisfallingallaroundus]

I suddenly feel old and judgy and didn't think I was.

DSS has been with girlfriend for a number of years. Lovely couple. Bought a house together last year and now announcing they are planning to start a family. Great. They then start saying they want a family before having a wedding as it would be more fun for the kids to be in attendance and involved.

I've surprised myself at my reaction. I've said nothing to them (and never would) but in my head I'm going WTF. House, kids then marriage? If marriage is important do it before children. You don't deliberately plan it the other way. Oddly them not getting married but having children didn't elicit any reaction in me.

AIBU? Am I old and out of touch? Is this how things are done now? Any insights into why I'm feeling such a reaction?

I agree. Marriage is supposed to be committing to a life together and honestly, it's kind of hard to take it seriously when the couple have been living together 10 years and have a couple of kids already.

Now that is genuinely interesting. Why would you think cohabitees with joint DC shouldn’t or wouldn’t want to solidify their existing hefty commitment to each other @KillerFlamingo ?

Probably best not to say anything, but I agree with you.

OP the wedding is obviously what is more important to them than actually being married. I think it's weird too and I agree with you.

Most couples don't marry for religious reasons and look on marriage as a business arrangement really, providing financial security. I suppose your dss and gf are regarding their wedding as a fun, romantic thing to do.

Expectation of having tiny children at your own wedding; adorable children in cute outfits, perfect photo opportunities

Reality; children are bored, rigid and miserable, wipe ketchup on your wedding dress and cry during your vows so have to be taken outside by one of your guests.

@SmileyClare

Most couples don't marry for religious reasons and look on marriage as a business arrangement really, providing financial security. I suppose your dss and gf are regarding their wedding as a fun, romantic thing to do.

Expectation of having tiny children at your own wedding; adorable children in cute outfits, perfect photo opportunities

Reality; children are bored, rigid and miserable, wipe ketchup on your wedding dress and cry during your vows so have to be taken outside by one of your guests.

Ha ha. Yes, very salient points.

Yep we did it the other way.

House, dog, baby, new house, wedding

they want a family before having a wedding as it would be more fun for the kids to be in attendance and involved.
This sounds like the usual clueless thing that people say before DC arrive. Reality seldom matches the rose-tinted expectation.

Having children first, 'so that they can come to our wedding' is batshit.

Yes. It's absolutely nuts to make major life decisions around one single day. Is this a social media thing? Wanting to have one's kids looking cute on the wedding day?

I couldn't care less whether people get married or not, or whether they get married before or after kids. What's insane is making the decision based on one day!

@LaceyBetty

No issues with having children before marriage, but agree that it seems very weird to me to consciously make that decision just so the not-yet-existing children can be at the wedding.

Agree, but it seems more likely to me that one or other of them is not particularly bothered about getting married.

If they both wanted to be married they would just do it, not plan to do it 10-20 years in the future “so their children can properly enjoy the day”. That sounds like weird excuse-making from somebody. Where does it end? Wait 30-40 years so their grandchildren can attend? Wait 60 years until their grandchildren can join in the toasts?

X=-post!

@Motnight

You would hate me, Op. Our 21 year old came to our wedding 😂

Do you mind me asking if you and your DH were together 21 years then decided to get married? To be fair, that sounds amazing and quite a story.

@LindaEllen

You might not be old and out of touch, but your views on this particular matter are, I'm afraid.

No, her views are in line with the law surrounding the benefits that the security of marriage give to women (in the overwhelming majority of cases)

Now, if you want to argue that the law is out of step with modern thinking, you’d be on a stronger footing with your argument.

The only people who think having DC before marriage are those who don’t fully understand the law, or are independently wealthy.

I know a few people who've deliberately done it this way - not sure why, but they were keen to have kids before they got married. So I think it's pretty common these days.

I think I'm a lot more conservative and traditional than I thought I was.

I was a punk FFS!

Very odd! By all means have children without being married (yes I know it’s risky for women) but don’t use having at the wedding as a reason.

How very fucking bizarre. Your wedding is one day out of your life.

*think having DC before marriage is a good idea

The other issue is their ages. Quite a few couples who want medium to large weddings with guests have decided during lockdown to crack on with TTCing instead of waiting for standard weddings to be possible. So it could be fertility concerns or just a very zeitgeisty approach driving them.

Honestly, nothing to blink at.

@therocinante

I know a few people who've deliberately done it this way - not sure why, but they were keen to have kids before they got married. So I think it's pretty common these days.

Yes, there is sadly a lot more ignorance around these days.

People seem to think that the law automatically reflects the social mores of society, but are in for a nasty shock when they realise they are wrong.

I was a punk FFS!

You’re a bit rusty then!

TBH, I doubt having kids to be at the wedding is not their main reason for having kids - and it's fine.

@AtSwimTwoBerts

You don't deliberately plan it the other way

Except if you want to. There is no earthly reason why you shouldn't, should you so desire.
Do you really have nothing better to complain about? If you're so desperate to have an aibu you could go read the Daily Mail and find something there.

There absolutely is an earthly reason to be confused, if one person is going to be more financially vulnerable - which is usually the woman, who after children can end up far poorer in the case of a split. If that's not the case, then people should do as they wish.

We did it the same way around. Although not because we wanted our child to be at our wedding. We didn't buy a house until age 28. Then didn't really have plans to marry yet but felt we were ready to start a family at almost 30. We got married just after our child turned 2, very small registry office wedding, more as a formalising/paperwork thing since I am a SAHM. Didn't plan to be before we had a baby, just the way it turned out.

I went to my parents wedding, my DC went to mine. House, kids, marriage. And my parents got married in the 1970s!

We got married when our kids were 5 and 6, it as great. I made sure that we bought our house jointly, we both earn about the same, we both went part time, so I was fine as we were when it came to financial security.

But, I am glad we are married, it does feel different. It was lovely to have our children at our wedding, they walked down the middle of the room with us, and we had a really family friendly day, without it being child centred. It was fab.

Well I would definitely say they’re wrong in that the wedding would be far more fun just worrying about yourselves and your guests without having little ones to look after 😂