To mind that DSS wants to have children so they can go to the wedding?

[snowisfallingallaroundus]

I suddenly feel old and judgy and didn't think I was.

DSS has been with girlfriend for a number of years. Lovely couple. Bought a house together last year and now announcing they are planning to start a family. Great. They then start saying they want a family before having a wedding as it would be more fun for the kids to be in attendance and involved.

I've surprised myself at my reaction. I've said nothing to them (and never would) but in my head I'm going WTF. House, kids then marriage? If marriage is important do it before children. You don't deliberately plan it the other way. Oddly them not getting married but having children didn't elicit any reaction in me.

AIBU? Am I old and out of touch? Is this how things are done now? Any insights into why I'm feeling such a reaction?

I think it's odd but so many people women seem to be obsessed with the 'big day' rather than recognising that marriage is a legal contract, you only have t read the numerous threads on here about the number of women that end up in very difficult circumstances because they 'never got round to being married'. Quite happy to be considered old fashioned.

Disclaimer - yes, I do know that in some circumstances it is better not to be married but sadly, for most women who give up careers/earning potential to have DC it is financially more secure to be married.

We did child - house - child 2 - marriage - child 3

To be fair, v v small wedding of 15 (pre-covid!)

Snow you've made the very same point I am trying to make in a much more articulate way - thank you .

I don't know. On the one hand, I think that in the grand scheme of things, it's up to them. Not a choice I would make, but meh. I can't get worked up about it for others. That said, from a purely personal perspective definitely looked better pre-kids.

On the other hand, I wonder whether this is great for the kids. I'm not saying it is damaging to go to your own parents' wedding, but how much of a plus is it for the child? Do you wonder how sure your parents were of their relationship before you were born? Why weren't they sure before? Or if it didn't matter to them, what has changed? I have no personal experience of this, but I don't really understand how is great for the kids. I can see how it would be fine, but what do they get out of it?

Hmm. What’s their situation like financially? Do they jointly own their house, both have their own jobs? If so it’s not really a big deal (unless one of them dies!)

However if she’s planning on being a stay-at-home mum or there is a huge wealth disparity between them, then this could be a recipe for yet another Mumsnet thread about being stuck in a financially controlling relationship.

Morally it’s neither here nor there.

Yep, I've done this. Not quite because it was more fun though: can only afford one thing at a time, want to get on with DC, not super bothered about wedding but would like one (before anyone starts, I make more money than DP and have not interrupted career, etc.. ). I do think it will be nice to have DS at wedding though.

I’m mid thirties and feel the same. If you’re doing it right, it should be house, marriage, kids.

I judge anyone who does it differently 🤷‍♀️

We had two children, bought and sold two houses and then decided to get married. They were both at the wedding, we got married in Cyprus and it was a perfect day. No regrets here. Been together for 30 years and married for 24 years.

The obsession with marriage is crazy

If a women doesn’t want to get married then that’s up to her

If she wants to get married again it’s up to her

It really is nobody else’s business apart from the two people in the relationship. This is probably why so many more people get divorced these days because you see it as a financial gain rather than actually marrying for love

I wish I'd waited until after kids to get married, what a lovely idea x

I got married after having DD1 who was planned.

Also I think that a relaxed ceremony with children and a lunchtime buffet is an oxymoron and the person who suggested this has never had toddlers.

Why would you doubt the commitment of a couple getting married who've been together a decade raising kids - that's very strong evidence of commitment to each other and their children.

Having kids together is no sure sign of commitment, not even for a long time. The man, generally him at least, can bugger off at a moments notice. They can do that when married too, but you get something out of them then in the divorce. You get nothing as just a partner.

Plus there's been plenty of threads where the woman asks why won't he marry me. She was good enough to have kids with, but not marry. They break up, he marries the next woman he meets. No commitment there either. You are more likely to split up when not married with kids compared to when married with kids. So yeah I would doubt the commitment slightly, but that's if I didn't know the couple which obviously I would if invited to their wedding. I would be worried about their relationship though at that point, incase they think by marrying it will solidify a failing relationship (it won't).

I'm a cynical bastard. I've heard so many stories of men saying "Let's wait until our kids are old enough to take part in the wedding" and then never marrying their partners. I'd think one of them is using it as a delaying tactic.

Marriage means different things to different people. I wouldn't do it. But I know plenty of people who would and do.

Personally I'd be of the "house, marriage, kids" line of thought. I wouldn't have wanted to get married with my kids at my wedding. It's something I've always been against - not against it in general, just not something I see or want for myself.

But who cares, really? I don't necessarily think my approach is any better than theirs.

I've been on so many threads on here where a woman with a partner and children has posted about financial security issues, only for lots of posters to pile in with, "why on earth didn't you get married BEFORE the children. I just don't understand women who do this.... etc...." so I'm surprised by many of the responses here. I wonder if it depends on when/where you post.

There is a huge difference between - on the one hand - advising an unmarried woman who doesn’t co-own the family home not to become a SAHM without the protection of marriage, to - say - telling a woman with assets and earning power (and no intention of giving up work) that she absolutely must marry before children.

Not all women are in the same circumstances. Not at all. Some women have wealth that they risk losing through legal marriage.

So while some of the advice on MN is financially sound, some of it is more akin to moralising. You just cannot generalise.

Exactly as Snowisfallinghere said.

Having children without being married. Fine, don’t care, perfectly normal.

Having children before you get married because you want the children at the wedding? No. News flash - children don’t like weddings. Weddings are as dull as all fuck even when you are an adult who can drink your way through it. Weddings when you are a child are as so fucking boring.

I'm with you OP. No issues with kids before marriage but having kids before just so they can be at the wedding is.... unusual.

Personally I find kids at weddings tiresome.

Yes you are out of touch and yes this is how things are done now. Loads of my friends have done house, kids, marriage in that order.

Bit weird to deliberately put off getting g married so kids can attend wedding. Usually it's just that life happens. Me and dh are old fashioned in the respect in that wanted to be married before I had kids. We wanted that commitment before bringing a child into the world.

I loved having my kids at my wedding, I don't see a problem with it at all.

Expediting having kids for body clock reasons is one thing. Delaying a wedding because you can’t afford both and don’t want to delay children is also perfectly reasonable. Having kids and deciding later to get married is also rational.

Wanting to get married now, but delaying it for no other reason than to allow your hypothetical future children to look cute in the photos is the batshit aspect.

@ZoeCM

I'm a cynical bastard. I've heard so many stories of men saying "Let's wait until our kids are old enough to take part in the wedding" and then never marrying their partners. I'd think one of them is using it as a delaying tactic.

I don't think it's cynical to think this. If there was a thread on here started by a woman, where the idea of postponing marriage until after children had been suggested by her partner, she's be getting a LOT of wise womble-headed advice right now about financial security, etc.... No way of knowing who the idea came from in this case (OP's DSS or his partner) but I'd be worried if this was my daughter and talking to her about it.