To mind that DSS wants to have children so they can go to the wedding?

[snowisfallingallaroundus]

I suddenly feel old and judgy and didn't think I was.

DSS has been with girlfriend for a number of years. Lovely couple. Bought a house together last year and now announcing they are planning to start a family. Great. They then start saying they want a family before having a wedding as it would be more fun for the kids to be in attendance and involved.

I've surprised myself at my reaction. I've said nothing to them (and never would) but in my head I'm going WTF. House, kids then marriage? If marriage is important do it before children. You don't deliberately plan it the other way. Oddly them not getting married but having children didn't elicit any reaction in me.

AIBU? Am I old and out of touch? Is this how things are done now? Any insights into why I'm feeling such a reaction?

[momtoboys]

Putting on my flak vest for the oncoming onslaught.

I agree with KillerFlamingo. I will go one further and make you all hate me....I will be very disappointed if any of my sons have a child without being married. I will not tell them that if it does happen, but I hope that it doesn't.

[Richconstance]

I totally agree with other comments around the "insta vs reality" ie ketchup on your dress etc...

I couldn't give 2 hoots what other people do, but I defo wanted to be married 1st so we all had the same names and I could enjoy my wedding without running about after my kids, urgh! I could think of nothing worse!

I mean, I love my kids dearly, and now they're here find it weird they weren't there... (as they're constantly attached to me 🙄😂)

But OP, I have the same opinion as you, I'm very liberal, but did roll my eyes and think "oh you haven't got a fucking clue" 😂😂😂😂😂

[Throwntothewolves]

I'd just say nothing and let them get on with it. Maybe it's their way of saying that they don't want to get married without being questioned as to why not.

Is it the frivolity of the idea of having their children at their wedding being the reason not to get married first that bothers you? Because it does seem a bit twee and rose tinted (a bit like planning the 'dream wedding' without thinking what it really means to get married).

[S0upertrooper]

I don't have a problem with folk marrying or not, having kids before or after marriage. However your DSS sound as if delaying the wedding to deliberately have their kids at it, is treating them a bit like a cute accessory. That would make me feel uncomfortable.

[Shell4429]

I know of a couple who had six children and got married 25 years after the first one was born!

[Weemovitchski]

I never wanted to get married and went berserk when I discovered a 'surprise' wedding date was arranged at Chelsea Town Hall. It didn't happen. I was pregnant a few years later and my partner's mother said "We have never had a bastard in the family before". Meh!

[Peff68]

I have exactly same situation and completely understand how you’re feeling and I agree with you as I am also old fashioned!

My future DIL now regrets them not getting married before our wonderful GD was born. They are marrying this year now so we’re all really excited about that.

My daughter has done exactly the same but they’re not engaged and I worry should something bad happen to him she and my second amazing GD would not financially be looked after.

Unfortunately as much as we’d like our children to follow a certain path to happiness it doesn’t always happen to be same route we chose. All we can hope is that they’re happy and healthy and support and live them unconditionally, which I am sure you will do

[SiliconHeaven]

I’m a young widow. I know how vitally important it is to be married before you have children. No one thinks it’s going to happen to them... until it does

[Cupoftea25]

We had a child, bought our house when he was 6 months old and then got married 2 years later... been together total of 10 years and my husband is a stay at home dad while I am the only earner. Some people just don't follow a set routine in life and that's just fine . Do what makes you happy and what works for you I say...

[Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g]

@SiliconHeaven. I'm sorry for your loss.

[snowisfallingallaroundus]

Lots of great comments and interesting takes.

Agree wholeheartedly it's each to their own but make sure you're financially stable in and protected no matter the shape of any commitment.

I've kept my mouth zipped (best way on a number of fronts) and wish them and those on here all the best.

[theleafandnotthetree]

@SiliconHeaven

I’m a young widow. I know how vitally important it is to be married before you have children. No one thinks it’s going to happen to them... until it does

A very good point @SiliconHeaven and one that is rarely raised. People always think in terms of the relationship not working out but sadly sometimes people do die or become severely incapacitated leaving those behind in a very vulnerable situation if they haven't at the very least made good wills, provision etc. As always, marriage, even if it's 5 minutes in a Registry office with a pizza after, remains peoples - and childrens best and easiest protection if the worst things happens. Imagine having to worry about your late boyfriends parents taking your home off you while grieving and looking after children I know of a number of cases where this happened

[goldielockdown2]

Yes it's very shocking that people have children out of wedlock isn't it.

[BalancedIndividual]

[quote goldielockdown2 ]Yes it's very shocking that people have children out of wedlock isn't it. [/quote]
Personally im not bothered about people having children out if wedlock per say.

But imo people should only be having children when in a serious committed relationship that that both parties want to make last a lifetime, through thick and thin. A wedding is one way of demonstrating this commitment, a civil partnership is another, a religious ceremony is another, or just vows made between the 2 individuals that they will be together until death.

[Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g]

Lots of posts here determined to miss the OP's point. Delaying marriage until you can have the wedding you want leaves a great many people vulnerable because you don't have the legal protection of marriage.

Circumstances change. You need to think about your own position, what could change in the future, whether marriage would be a good idea for you - not necessarily for both of you, think about yourself. If your partner isn't keen, even if you can show that marriage would be better for you, what does that say about him/her and about your relationship?

[Beline4u]

Why does it matter? Your values and morals should be your own, to place judgement says more about you that than them. What's your issue? Why are you so bothered? You are being VERY unreasonable.

We, had our son, got married, had another child, bought a house, I went back to college (never had a education) had another two kids.

[notdaddycool]

It’s about the big day, not the marriage, which isn’t how I’d do it, but I needed a visa too. I know some do this and get their child baptised in the service.

[Whatevertrevor19]

I'm with you OP. I knew I wanted to be with dh and just enjoy our relationship before we started a family. We have been together 15 years, married for 11yrs and our dd will be 2 in a couple of weeks. For me this was just perfect, but everyone will have there own view & outlook on this

[RickiTarr]

But imo people should only be having children when in a serious committed relationship that that both parties want to make last a lifetime, through thick and thin. A wedding is one way of demonstrating this commitment, a civil partnership is another, a religious ceremony is another, or just vows made between the 2 individuals that they will be together until death.

If only everyone in the world would cooperate in being English, Christian, Upper Middle & conventional, eh? 🙄

This thread is utterly bizarre in terms of how many posters think they have a stake in other people’s personal lives.

[ZoeCM]

Even if she gets pregnant in the next few months, the baby won't be born until next year. They said they want kids, plural, so they'd need to factor in another two years or so for the next one to be born (I'd say that's the standard age gap). And they say they want the kids not only to attend but to "be involved", which suggests to me that they want the youngest to be at least three years old at the wedding (any younger than that and they won't even remember it).

That means that even if they're already TTC, and they're fortunate enough not to have fertility problems, and they only want two children - they're unlikely to get married before 2027! It's a delaying tactic. One of them doesn't want to get married and has come up with a "sweet" excuse to keep the other dangling.

[MiddlesexGirl]

Well it's a bit naive not to be bothered about the legal implications for both of not being married.