She is 18, he is 34!

[ManyBooksLittleTime]

I am so upset. My daughter has been dating since lockdown and has stopped us seeing her boyfriend. She told us he was 20. We have become increasingly suspicious as to his age. When we have caught glimpses of him from afar, he has hidden in a big hood and turned away.

The day before yesterday she announced he had been phoning flats for them to move in together.

My husband and I decided we needed to see this guy. She had managed to get him a job with her and I went into the shop unannounced yesterday.My husband and I both saw him and could tell he was older even with the facemask. We paid for searches online and discovered he is 34!

We then went to his house to meet him. We met him and his dad and he seemed reasonably nice.

We don't want her moving in with him. He constantly makes her cry eg he ignored both her 18 th and Valentine's day.

What do you all think? I think if we hadn't had the pandemic, she would have met someone younger and more dynamic and I'm gutted she is settling for this guy.
AIBU?

@youvegottenminuteslynn I'm not 34 for some time, so I can't say. Would I date an 18 year old man now? Possibly, though I'd say it was unlikely because I want kids etc.

I did date someone multiple decades older than me when I was 18 and it was fine. Fun. Not perfect, and came to an end when it needed to, but enjoyable. Certainly there wasn't any sense that he was taking advantage of me.

@billy1966

The difference between an 18 year old woman and a 30 year old one is phenomenal.

I was a very clued in, responsible 18 year old, but the life experience of 12 years is enormous.

I definitely was a different person 12 years later.
Far more confident in myself and my decision making.

Anyone who thinks otherwise is an idiot.

The 12 year difference in my case was

I finished my education
I moved out of home.
I inter railed around Europe twice
I moved abroad
I travelled extensively
I set my own home up abroad
I completely 100% relied on myself financially for 10 years

How anyone cannot see that that sort of life experience matures you enormously is beyond me.

As someone wrote above, women who get involved with someone much older whilst very young, and settle down, are invariably swapping their parents for another adult.

It absolutely can mess with the maturing process.

This^^ However, I will also add my own experience. In the 12 years between 18 and 30, I did all of that but also raised two kids within a marriage to someone 10 years older. It did make the maturing process more difficult because I always had to involve another adult in my decisions. Also partly because I had to fight to grow as an independent person & to build my own career. I'm glad I did but there was a very big risk for me to remain somehow stuck. With hindsight, the age gap was enormous and no one effectively skips their 20s without some level of resentment. I wouldn't recommend it to my own DDs.

(Just to add: minus the interrailing and fun bits...)

Hi. I have taken lots of your advice. She has agreed to delay a couple of months to move in. We are just going to keep encouraging a delay a little at a time. He IS going to take this flat, ( I have no idea how). She has agreed to keep her name off the lease. I just hope she won't give him her savings.She obviously wants to stay over sometimes.

Her brother doesn't yet know of his age, but we will let her tell him so that she can see his natural reaction . He is 4 years younger but they are v close when it counts. Interestingly, she hasn't told her best friend how old he is.

Sapho47 of course she is maladjusted. She has barely seen her friends in a year; her f/t college course has been reduced to 2 mornings a week, if the teachers can be arsed showing up; a date , at the moment, is a shift at the supermarket or standing on the green outside his house. Like other teenagers, she has been stuck indoors with her parents far more than she would like .She is just looking for some excitement. Hopefully she will be able to go out with her friends soon.

Sounds like an absolute win @ManyBooksLittleTime fingers firmly crossed she gets bored with him once life returns to normal, better she lose a bit of her savings throwing him a couple of hundred rather than signs up to a lifetime with this utter puke worthy bloke

To be quite honest if this were my dd I'd be doing a clare's law check on this guy.

He's far older and has targeted a much less mature and vulnerable GIRL (she wasn't an adult when they started dating!), he is already making her unhappy (what kind of thing are they falling out about?), he hid his age from you, and possibly encouraged her to lie to you about his age

Do you know anything about his relationship history? Does he have dc?

With the additional info that this may have started when she was 16 I would suggest a Sarah's law check too.

How confident are you that the man claiming to be his father who lied about his age IS his father? And that he is actually living with relatives? Are they different sexes the people he lives with? I'm thinking you only know what your daughter has told you?

I have a very bad feeling about all this along the lines of what happened in Rochdale. Not meant to alarm you op but in your shoes I'd be getting as much info as possible.

Speak to your local police tomorrow re those checks and see what they say. Are you confident you know his legal name? Because if so you can give it to the police, they won't necessarily be able to say anything then and there but if he's known to them they may have a word with him themselves

That's good OP. The priority has to be to stop her doing anything that she cannot easily escape from (joint tenancies, pregnancy etc). That makes it easier for her to escape once she realises how useless he is.

OP I don’t mean to be dramatic but do you have any relatives that live abroad? You could frame a situation that Aunty X needs help as her health isn’t good and get her out of her environment just to see what else is out there.
I feel so bad for the situation you’re in, it must be a nightmare! 💐

I wouldn't be happy about this op either. The age gap is too big. More to the point what would a 34 year old want with an 18 year old. Depends on how old she looks but she must look like his daughter when they are out together. I'd be so worried. I know 18 is an adult and if he was 25 you'd probably be a bit worried but 34 is just too old. He doesn't sound like he has his life in order either and you say he seems relient on her.

The delay is great OP.

But knowledge is power.
As @Graphista has written, check him out.

The older man encouraging them to get a flat together is concerning.

The best thing you can do is stick so close to your daughter in the friendliest way possible and show them how much support she has.

Indeed maybe the heat of the police sniffing around may make her less attractive.

Stressing to the police you view her as vulnerable too.
Maybe start with 101 for advice.

I really feel for you.

I just thought about my older sister, she always dated men 2x older than she is. Mom couldn’t do anything about it but these men were always messed up in their head. Immature and also loved the fact they could get young girls. I don’t think they ever really cared for her. Anyways, one of the guy she dated ended up preying on even younger girls (minors) behind her back . He got caught when one of them was a cop pretended to be a minor so he went to prison for it. But it never stopped my sister. Even in her 50’s she just married someone who is a lot older than she is.

Hopefully soon she will think about there must be something seriously wrong (and this includes sex life) if he can’t or won’t get a mature girlfriend/wife of his age,

@GlendaBulb

You need to tread very carefully as he will be very manipulative. Keep it all rosy: your door stays open, you’re not negative about him, she can talk freely. That way she knows she can come back to your house anytime, but more importantly it will let him lower his guard, as you don’t appear to be any threat, in fact you seem to be a bit dim.

My sister has been through this. We drew up a comprehensive battle plan, he felt very comfortable with our family. It gave my gentle naive 17 year old niece space to see the light and eventually fire him off. She never speaks of this time now, I think she is embarrassed that she could have been so silly. She wasn’t silly, she was young.

He went on to repeat the behaviour at least twice elsewhere. We later discovered that his father had done time for paedophilia.

This sounds the perfect plan.

Was she an easy teen, OP? Is this her act of rebellion or does she think it’s true love?

Either way I hope she comes round... do her friends not find it strange? Is there a best friend you could chat too lightly to get any gossip?

What interest an adult in his mid thirties has with a barely eighteen year old college student is beyond me.

Age gap relationships at this age make my skin crawl. It’s admitting they find teenagers sexually attractive.

Is she sleeping with him, OP? Is she safe?

I would really advocate allowing her to have her best friend sleep over this week and see if chatting one on one might shake a bit of reality into her.

Lockdown schmockdown if it saves her moving in with an abusive arsehole. Does she plan to move to uni? Can you ask to borrow her savings just to keep it away from him?

It gets worse. One of the posters advised that I asked if he has kids. This hadn't even occured to me! He has three! The eldest is 7. I feel like the bottom has fallen out of my world.

We talked to her about all of our concerns and alarms. She doesn't know him. She doesn't know where he has lived, how long he was with his partner for, why she stopped him seeing the children til recently. It's such a mess.

We have also found out she hadn't told her best friend the age of this man or the fact he has kids. So she knows this is so wrong.

OP have you contacted the police to get a disclosure under Claire’s law - you have to go this it’s free & really important information

@szyz2020
“What is his expectation of her in terms of her job applications and career plan, does he support it? “

You bet he does! (In my opinion)
Here comes Mummy!

@ManyBooksLittleTime

It gets worse. One of the posters advised that I asked if he has kids. This hadn't even occured to me! He has three! The eldest is 7. I feel like the bottom has fallen out of my world.

We talked to her about all of our concerns and alarms. She doesn't know him. She doesn't know where he has lived, how long he was with his partner for, why she stopped him seeing the children til recently. It's such a mess.

We have also found out she hadn't told her best friend the age of this man or the fact he has kids. So she knows this is so wrong.

Oh no!

Some excellent advice here.
Not much more to add but just try to keep her on your side.and not alienate her.
If he can’t get it right at the beginning of a relationship, then there’s not much hope when it’s well established.

Because his ex has stopped him from seeing the kids is a big red flag unless she is being a bitch but I doubt that.

Claire’s law I’d be doing and take it from there

How does she feel about being a step parent at her age.
How does she feel he might want her to care for said kids
How does she feel in general about kids.
All relevant questions as at 18 most would be going hell to the no on that one. Yes we have covid and lockdown but it won’t be forever.

@Dullardmullard

Because his ex has stopped him from seeing the kids is a big red flag unless she is being a bitch but I doubt that.

Claire’s law I’d be doing and take it from there

How does she feel about being a step parent at her age.
How does she feel he might want her to care for said kids
How does she feel in general about kids.
All relevant questions as at 18 most would be going hell to the no on that one. Yes we have covid and lockdown but it won’t be forever.

What's the betting the ex is a psycho?

My ex also lied about having kids, I found out about his youngest two about a month into seeing him and naively let it go.. I'm not sure where my head was at but I was going and really smitten. Then a year later he admitted that he actually had an 18 year old daughter.. 2 years younger than me I was horrified but still couldn't find the strength to break ties till around 6 months after finding out about his eldest daughter. It is unbelievable what these men get away with really - he was also a job hopper living at home with his mum - apparently his ex was crazy

I'd be SO worried in your position op. My dd recently turned 20 and she's had her moments with unsuitable boyfriends too!

It's SO HARD biting your tongue and making nice with the twats!

Dd knew when I didn't like them she knows me too well, but they didn't suss until after the relationship ended.

I've just recently posted on another thread about the dick that stalked her after, thankfully his parents were reasonable sorts and his dad had words with him after I'd let rip at him and also messaged his parents warning we would be taking action if it continued. This was enough to rein him in thank goodness.

My parents (Glaswegian) generally play things cool too, but I had one dodgy one (not much older but aggressive) and my sister had an experience with a chap she went on ONE date with that escalated badly, they had words with these men and put them on notice which thankfully worked.

I think we are too lax and too polite these days.

In the past men who didn't behave correctly were dealt with in their communities, there's a real lack of that now and god knows so often the police are bloody useless (brother is an officer so I'm not anti police per se but on this kinda thing they're pretty hamstrung and too many officers still see "domestics" as a "private affair")

That she isn't being honest with her friend is very worrying, as is the situation with his dc (think it was me asked that)

If he was prevented from seeing his dc because he was a risk to them, chances are police will know about this/there will be records on this.

I would definitely be speaking to the police about your concerns.

I really hope I'm wrong on what I'm thinking is going on here, you need to protect your daughter.

It's EXTREMELY rare that a parent is prevented from seeing their children by authorities, the bar is (imo) far too high on that.

When I was going through my divorce and my ex was playing silly buggers I asked my lawyer about limiting contact for dds sake.

She explained there basically has to be serious physical or sexual abuse for courts to even THINK of terminating parental rights.

She told me of a case she'd had where the father had been released from prison - for raping his child - and she had represented the child to prevent UNSUPERVISED access which some arse of a judge had signed off on! They managed to get it changed but only to supervised at a contact centre. Yep his victim had to make nice with him every other weekend! Apparently he was "reformed" and "entitled to a relationship with his child"

You need to keep a VERY close eye here

The age gap isnt the problem.

The problem is that the guy doesnt sounds successful or treat her well.

All ages suitable for love I think. But don't forget about the rule of law all persons should be over 18 years old!