Page 10 | She is 18, he is 34!

ManyBooksLittleTime · 2021-02-28T09:03:44+00:00

I am so upset. My daughter has been dating since lockdown and has stopped us seeing her boyfriend. She told us he was 20. We have become increasingly suspicious as to his age. When we have caught glimpses of him from afar, he has hidden in a big hood and turned away. The day before yesterday she announced he had been phoning flats for them to move in together. My husband and I decided we needed to see this guy. She had managed to get him a job with her and I went into the shop unannounced yesterday.My husband and I both saw him and could tell he was older even with the facemask. We paid for searches online and discovered he is 34! We then went to his house to meet him. We met him and his dad and he seemed reasonably nice. We don't want her moving in with him. He constantly makes her cry eg he ignored both her 18 th and Valentine's day. What do you all think? I think if we hadn't had the pandemic, she would have met someone younger and more dynamic and I'm gutted she is settling for this guy. AIBU?

sheslittlebutfierce · 03/03/2021 13:26

BUT

You are YANBU because he doesnt seem to be treating her well.

However you cannot make a judgement based on his age

IcedPurple · 03/03/2021 13:30

@sheslittlebutfierce

BUT

You are YANBU because he doesnt seem to be treating her well.

However you cannot make a judgement based on his age

Yeah you can.

No decent man on the cusp of middle age would date a teenager.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 03/03/2021 13:37

However you cannot make a judgement based on his age

You really can though @sheslittlebutfierce. As I said upthread:

Those saying the age gap isn't an issue... if you're in your 30s would you date an 18 year old (man / woman technically but boy / girl feels more natural to say of someone that age) who was in sixth form, had just left it, was doing an apprenticeship, first year of uni etc?

If you don't think that she gap should be troubling for the OP's daughter then you would do so yourself, I guess?

You'd hang out if he was in his school uniform? You'd go to a club with him and all his 18 year old mates?

It feels icky because it is. It's a total imbalance of power and life experience.

A well adjusted person in their 30s doesn't date an 18 year old.

juice92 · 03/03/2021 15:27

If he is treating her badly I see why you would want to discourage the relationship, but I don't think the age gap on its own is enough to be a problem.

I would be worried about what appears to be his sneaky behaviour (covering his face and hiding in a hood). If he is that age and and trying to hide how old he is from you guys he is very immature.

When I was 17 I was seeing a man who was 34 and he asked my parents if he would be OK to take me out on a date as he understood how they may feel about the age gap. I was very mature for my age and he was a lovely guy and due to how open he was my parents never had any issue with it

juice92 · 03/03/2021 15:31

Missed out bit.

They had no issue with me seeing him because he went about it the right way. He always had me home on time and always took me somewhere (we never just sat around in his house) and he took things very very slowly with me. He certainly never made me cry.

I imagine if he had gone about it in the manner that your daughter's boyfriend has then my parents would have been dead against it.

IcedPurple · 03/03/2021 15:32

I was very mature for my age

You were still a teenager below the age of majority and he was almost middle aged. Would you be happy to date someone if you felt the need to ask his parents' 'consent'?

Ponoka7 · 03/03/2021 15:37

@IcedPurple, there was a similar age difference between me and my husband. He was a very decent man and we were happy for 22 years until his premature death from Cancer. You are making statements as though they are facts, when they are just your bigoted opinions.

The issue is him not treating her well. That should be the focus.

IcedPurple · 03/03/2021 15:47

[quote Ponoka7]@IcedPurple, there was a similar age difference between me and my husband. He was a very decent man and we were happy for 22 years until his premature death from Cancer. You are making statements as though they are facts, when they are just your bigoted opinions.

The issue is him not treating her well. That should be the focus.[/quote]
So you'd be happy to date a teenager yourself?

juice92 · 03/03/2021 15:47

@IcedPurple

I was very mature for my age

You were still a teenager below the age of majority and he was almost middle aged. Would you be happy to date someone if you felt the need to ask his parents' 'consent'?

I have always been attracted to people older than me so I doubt I would be in that situation.

He asked my parents as a sign of respect, and I see that as a good thing, not bad.

My point was you can't just assume that in every situation like this that the man involved is some sort of predator. I never slept with the man, we kissed and that was it. I dated guys similar to my own age before him who I found put pressure on me that he never did.

The boyfriend mentioned by the OP is not wrong for her daughter purely because he is 34 but because he seems to be immature and a terrible boyfriend.

Keepyourdistance000 · 03/03/2021 15:53

I wish my DM was like you @ManyBooksLittleTime

When I was 16 my borderline abusive DM encouraged me to date a 32 year old who I had a crush on, and laughed off/excused a 52 year old who repeatedly sexually assaulted me, saying ''it probably makes him feel young again''.

Anyway sorry for hijacking your thread, will start my own sometime.

IcedPurple · 03/03/2021 15:57

I have always been attracted to people older than me so I doubt I would be in that situation.

But in theory, you'd see absolutely nothing wrong with a nearly middle aged woman dating a 17 year old boy? And you'd praise her as 'respectful' if she asked for permission from the kid's parents?

He asked my parents as a sign of respect, and I see that as a good thing, not bad.

No, it's a sign that you were inappropriately young.

My point was you can't just assume that in every situation like this that the man involved is some sort of predator

Maybe not a "predator", but there is definitely something off about grown men dating teenage girls.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 03/03/2021 16:18

@IcedPurple

I have always been attracted to people older than me so I doubt I would be in that situation.

But in theory, you'd see absolutely nothing wrong with a nearly middle aged woman dating a 17 year old boy? And you'd praise her as 'respectful' if she asked for permission from the kid's parents?

He asked my parents as a sign of respect, and I see that as a good thing, not bad.

No, it's a sign that you were inappropriately young.

My point was you can't just assume that in every situation like this that the man involved is some sort of predator

Maybe not a "predator", but there is definitely something off about grown men dating teenage girls.

All of this. I've asked a number of times on this thread if the women saying they dated much older men at 17/18 would date 17/18 year old males now they are women in their 30s. Nobody has said yes which I think is telling.

Well adjusted people in their 30s with healthy attitudes towards relationships don't date people who are 17/18.

Telling OP that the age gap isn't an issue and shouldn't be of concern is essentially gaslighting because it is so obviously an issue! Unless of course you are a woman in her 30s who would date a 17/18 year old and genuinely don't think it would be icky as fuck, inappropriate and irresponsible.

thecatsabsentcojones · 03/03/2021 16:28

Be careful here. Of course you’re totally right to have reservations - I would too - but as someone who chose a complete arsehole in my late teens I was not shifted by parental disapproval. In fact it made me do the opposite, I felt I couldn’t make a choice with my parents words in my head so stuck with him longer.

I did see sense though and dumped him, many years later I can see he did me a favour, I learned what not to go for!

IcedPurple · 03/03/2021 16:30

All of this. I've asked a number of times on this thread if the women saying they dated much older men at 17/18 would date 17/18 year old males now they are women in their 30s. Nobody has said yes which I think is telling.

Exactly.

They'd probably say that 'girls are so much more mature than boys' but no 17 year old is anywhere close to being as mature as an almost middle aged man, no matter how much she likes to think she is, or how much her 'respectful' older guy wants to convince her that she is for his own purposes. She's a kid.

I'll bet any amount of money that if these women had a friend who said -"Oh you know what! I've met this wonderful new man! Well a boy really - he's 17 and still at school - but you know, he's just so mature! I'm going to go round to his parents - who are only a few years older than me - at the weekend and ask them if they're OK with me dating their boy" - they would all consider it creepy and seriously question their friend's state of mind.

year5teacher · 03/03/2021 16:46

So he’s been dating her since before she was 18? I’m sorry there is LITERALLY no excuse.

RootyT00t · 03/03/2021 17:49

@IcedPurple

All of this. I've asked a number of times on this thread if the women saying they dated much older men at 17/18 would date 17/18 year old males now they are women in their 30s. Nobody has said yes which I think is telling.

Exactly.

They'd probably say that 'girls are so much more mature than boys' but no 17 year old is anywhere close to being as mature as an almost middle aged man, no matter how much she likes to think she is, or how much her 'respectful' older guy wants to convince her that she is for his own purposes. She's a kid.

I'll bet any amount of money that if these women had a friend who said -"Oh you know what! I've met this wonderful new man! Well a boy really - he's 17 and still at school - but you know, he's just so mature! I'm going to go round to his parents - who are only a few years older than me - at the weekend and ask them if they're OK with me dating their boy" - they would all consider it creepy and seriously question their friend's state of mind.

Girls are far more mature than boys.

A 17 year old boy is nothing like a 30 odd year old woman

Not sure you can say that the other way round.

NameChangedForThisFeb21 · 03/03/2021 17:55

Girls are far more mature than boys.

A 17 year old boy is nothing like a 30 odd year old woman

Not sure you can say that the other way round.

Ah yes the usual bollocks that is used to justify middle aged creeps targeting teenage girls.

So would it be gross if it were a 34 year old
man targeting a 17 year old boy?

And a 34 year old woman and a 17 year old girl? Is that ok? Does the maturity thing make the older woman practically a grandma?

Or does this magic formula only apply to straight men in their 30s, 40s etc and the super mature and sophisticated teenage girls?

It’s vile IMO.
All ways round. No excuses.

RootyT00t · 03/03/2021 17:59

@NameChangedForThisFeb21

Girls are far more mature than boys.

A 17 year old boy is nothing like a 30 odd year old woman

Not sure you can say that the other way round.

Ah yes the usual bollocks that is used to justify middle aged creeps targeting teenage girls.

So would it be gross if it were a 34 year old
man targeting a 17 year old boy?

And a 34 year old woman and a 17 year old girl? Is that ok? Does the maturity thing make the older woman practically a grandma?

Or does this magic formula only apply to straight men in their 30s, 40s etc and the super mature and sophisticated teenage girls?

It’s vile IMO.
All ways round. No excuses.

I'm not trying to justify anything.

PP said 'well people will probably just say girls are more mature than boy'. But they are.

But men in their 30s are far more of an equal to a 17 year old girl than your other example. It's a fact.

IcedPurple · 03/03/2021 18:06

Girls are far more mature than boys.

No they aren't. A 17 year old girl is a legal minor, probably still at school and with almost certainly very little life experience. Any difference in 'maturity' - however that is defined - between boys and girls is very slight.

A 17 year old boy is nothing like a 30 odd year old woman

Well no. But neither is a 17 year old girl anything like as 'mature' as a grown man, no matter how much the creepy bloke tries to convince them otherwise.

But men in their 30s are far more of an equal to a 17 year old girl than your other example. It's a fact.

That is not a 'fact', or anything close. And even if we accept your broad generalisation as 'fact' there will always be exceptions. So presumably you'd be fully suppotive of a nearly middle aged woman 'dating' a 17 year old schoolboy, provided he was 'mature'?

RootyT00t · 03/03/2021 18:07

@IcedPurple

Girls are far more mature than boys.

No they aren't. A 17 year old girl is a legal minor, probably still at school and with almost certainly very little life experience. Any difference in 'maturity' - however that is defined - between boys and girls is very slight.

A 17 year old boy is nothing like a 30 odd year old woman

Well no. But neither is a 17 year old girl anything like as 'mature' as a grown man, no matter how much the creepy bloke tries to convince them otherwise.

But men in their 30s are far more of an equal to a 17 year old girl than your other example. It's a fact.

That is not a 'fact', or anything close. And even if we accept your broad generalisation as 'fact' there will always be exceptions. So presumably you'd be fully suppotive of a nearly middle aged woman 'dating' a 17 year old schoolboy, provided he was 'mature'?

The difference isn't slight. It's a scientific fact

I personally don't think it's great either way round.

Purpleneonpinkunicorns · 03/03/2021 18:07

I was wondering maybe she could be pregnant, or controlled by him. Hope that she speaks to you op

youvegottenminuteslynn · 03/03/2021 18:08

@IcedPurple

Girls are far more mature than boys.

No they aren't. A 17 year old girl is a legal minor, probably still at school and with almost certainly very little life experience. Any difference in 'maturity' - however that is defined - between boys and girls is very slight.

A 17 year old boy is nothing like a 30 odd year old woman

Well no. But neither is a 17 year old girl anything like as 'mature' as a grown man, no matter how much the creepy bloke tries to convince them otherwise.

But men in their 30s are far more of an equal to a 17 year old girl than your other example. It's a fact.

That is not a 'fact', or anything close. And even if we accept your broad generalisation as 'fact' there will always be exceptions. So presumably you'd be fully suppotive of a nearly middle aged woman 'dating' a 17 year old schoolboy, provided he was 'mature'?

This.

Also to PP who used the maturity argument, what about same sex relationships? You say that a 34 year old man dating a 17/18 year old girl is ok, but by your 'maturity' logic the same man dating a 17/18 year old boy is less ok? Is that right?

NameChangedForThisFeb21 · 03/03/2021 18:09

But men in their 30s are far more of an equal to a 17 year old girl than your other example. It's a fact

No it’s not. No they aren’t. It’s laughable of you to suggest this.

Compare salaries. Having lived independently. Potential property ownership. The likelihood of being a parent or having been married. The fact, the SCIENTIFIC fact, that the brain isn’t even fully developed until 25.

Most men and women I know in their 30s have professional level jobs, they are married or in a long term partnership, they have young children, they’ve been to university or completed as high a level of education as they wanted to, they have mortgages or have been renting for at least 10 or close to 20 years, they’ve lived outside of the parental home for well over a decade, they’ve travelled extensively, voted in several elections, made mistakes, MATURED (either sex)...

I cannot think of a SINGLE 17 year old (either sex), for whom any of that is the case.

And a 34 year old man that’s not hit any of those milestones? Not relationship material. Especially not for a teenage girl.

IcedPurple · 03/03/2021 18:11

The difference isn't slight. It's a scientific fact

No it isn't. There isn't even any scientific consensus of what 'maturity' means, certainly not in the context of dating people twice your age.

But as I said, even if it was 'scientific fact' there will always be exceptions. There must be some 17 year old schoolboys who are so incredibly 'mature' and some 17 year old girls who are immature. So to use your argument, maybe a "mature" 17 year old boy might be a great match for a near middle aged woman? If it's all about the 'maturity', that is?

RootyT00t · 03/03/2021 18:13

@IcedPurple

The difference isn't slight. It's a scientific fact

No it isn't. There isn't even any scientific consensus of what 'maturity' means, certainly not in the context of dating people twice your age.

But as I said, even if it was 'scientific fact' there will always be exceptions. There must be some 17 year old schoolboys who are so incredibly 'mature' and some 17 year old girls who are immature. So to use your argument, maybe a "mature" 17 year old boy might be a great match for a near middle aged woman? If it's all about the 'maturity', that is?

Okay we can do the no it isn't yes it is all day.

I don't have an argument. Ice already said I don't agree with it necessarily either way.

I was just responding to a PP who completely dismissed the maturity thing because it's not totally invalid.