She is 18, he is 34!

[ManyBooksLittleTime]

I am so upset. My daughter has been dating since lockdown and has stopped us seeing her boyfriend. She told us he was 20. We have become increasingly suspicious as to his age. When we have caught glimpses of him from afar, he has hidden in a big hood and turned away.

The day before yesterday she announced he had been phoning flats for them to move in together.

My husband and I decided we needed to see this guy. She had managed to get him a job with her and I went into the shop unannounced yesterday.My husband and I both saw him and could tell he was older even with the facemask. We paid for searches online and discovered he is 34!

We then went to his house to meet him. We met him and his dad and he seemed reasonably nice.

We don't want her moving in with him. He constantly makes her cry eg he ignored both her 18 th and Valentine's day.

What do you all think? I think if we hadn't had the pandemic, she would have met someone younger and more dynamic and I'm gutted she is settling for this guy.
AIBU?

*This.

Also to PP who used the maturity argument, what about same sex relationships? You say that a 34 year old man dating a 17/18 year old girl is ok, but by your 'maturity' logic the same man dating a 17/18 year old boy is less ok? Is that right?*

"Maturity" - which is never actually defined - is always used in these discussion to justify creepy (relatively) old blokes chasing teenage girls. Almost every teenage girl thinks she's so grown-up and sophiscated. Hardly any of them actually are.

If a near middle aged man is near the level of 'maturity' of a teenage girl, there is somthing profoundly wrong with him.

@IcedPurple

*This.

Also to PP who used the maturity argument, what about same sex relationships? You say that a 34 year old man dating a 17/18 year old girl is ok, but by your 'maturity' logic the same man dating a 17/18 year old boy is less ok? Is that right?*

"Maturity" - which is never actually defined - is always used in these discussion to justify creepy (relatively) old blokes chasing teenage girls. Almost every teenage girl thinks she's so grown-up and sophiscated. Hardly any of them actually are.

If a near middle aged man is near the level of 'maturity' of a teenage girl, there is somthing profoundly wrong with him.

Omg. I didn't say it was OK. How many times do I need to say it?

Omg. I didn't say it was OK. How many times do I need to say it?

You didn't say it wasn't OK either.

So do you think it's wrong for grown men to date teenage girls?

Wow some people really have dark thoughts. I get why you're wary, I think that's natural. The Way he treats her is the issue rather than the age difference. I was 19 when I met my now DH and he was 34. Not all teens are naive and immature. I knew what I was doing. Fast forward and we celebrate 17 years of marriage this year. Maybe you need to be honest about your concerns and state that you are worried but want to listen to her and her you. Beyond that now she's an adult ultimately you can be there but you can't force her to do your bidding .

@IcedPurple

Omg. I didn't say it was OK. How many times do I need to say it?

You didn't say it wasn't OK either.

So do you think it's wrong for grown men to date teenage girls?

I think youl find I did, more than once.

Yes

@eeyore228

Wow some people really have dark thoughts. I get why you're wary, I think that's natural. The Way he treats her is the issue rather than the age difference. I was 19 when I met my now DH and he was 34. Not all teens are naive and immature. I knew what I was doing. Fast forward and we celebrate 17 years of marriage this year. Maybe you need to be honest about your concerns and state that you are worried but want to listen to her and her you. Beyond that now she's an adult ultimately you can be there but you can't force her to do your bidding .

The Way he treats her is the issue rather than the age difference.

I appreciate things worked out in your case but I would wager that the majority of relationships between girls of 17/18/19 and men in their 30s are not healthy and happy or viable long term because it is incredibly unusual for a well adjusted, decent man in his 30s to be comfortable dating someone who is either in school or a year or two out of it. It's a total power imbalance and life experience imbalance.

You're the exception to the rule which is obviously good for you and your partner, but doesn't mean an age gap like that in which one partner is either legally a child or only a year or less into adulthood, isn't an issue. It really is.

I wish I could find and link some of the threads from here when Caroline Flack was dating Harry Styles. The names she was called. Disgusting.

I will never understand the people who defend men like this, utter nonces. All of you who are sooo cool with it, tell me, any of you have an 18 year old son? You'd presumably be totally cool with him bringing me home for tea. Yeah I'm 40 but the age gap isn't an issue is it. You've all said so.

Can you talk to her about the budget needed for living together? Rent, bills, council tax, broadband, food? Furnishing it and kitting it out. Has she worked out a budget? Has he? If he hasn’t, why not? He’s the mature one with life experience surely. ;-)

What is his expectation of her in terms of her job applications and career plan, does he support it? How will they split the chores? If you ask her questions about him - is he a good cook? Will he make her favourite meals after a day at work? Is he tidier than her or a slob? A night owl or early bird? A Gamer with his mates or keen on hanging out with her? Take an interest but see if you can steer her towards seeing that having only ever had 2 dates despite seemingly having been “together” for almost a year she doesn’t really know him. What did she get him for his birthday? It must have felt bad when he forgot her 18th hey. Ditto Valentines.

She needs to think through whether she’s ready to tie herself to the needs of a 34 year old or if she might not be somewhat envious of her carefree peers once lockdown lifts.

If her savings are going on a deposit, where’s his share? Why can’t he, such a lovely caring and exciting mature man of 34, match her financial input? Etc etc. Does he drive and own a car or does his dad run him about the place? Does she like his dad and his family?

Invite him round for a nice family dinner, if that’s something you do with your DD (when Covid allows). Talk about the stuff you would talk about with her normally - does he join in, hold his own? Get her to open her eyes to him in a safe environment...

What's worrying is the way he treats her. My mother did this, meeting my dad at that age. My grandparents were totally anti. I guess from what I know that this made her more determined. She didn't leave him until many, many years later. I would guess that if they had not been so averse, she may have been more critical herself. I guess you are just going to have to play it carefully, hope it can delay a little and then keep close to her so that you can watch and be there for her if it goes wrong, but it won't be easy. The worst thing would be to alienate her. If he does turn out to be very bad news indeed she will be more isolated with him if you dig your heels in now.

Didn’t read the rest but I wanted to point out that any man who lied about his age is not a good man and will continue to lie. And This is based on my experiences. With that said, She is of age to make her own decisions about her sex life even if it means he is going to take advantage of how little she knows about life and how people can be. Just talk to her and let her decide.

Oh God I'd be devastated at that

Hi OP, you mentioned you have a son - does your daughter get on with him? Are they similar ages?

I have a brother and sister, we are similar ages and have always got on bar the odd sibling row. Whenever my brother or sister said to me "Kate - he's a bit of a prat" it made me think and reassess and usually it fizzled out pretty quickly. Could he help?

Watching this thread with interest as I am in a similar situation with dd not so much the age gap dd is 19 and her boyfriend is 24 but he doesn’t treat her well is controlling doesn’t work and smokes weed all day.

Just out of curiosity how did they meet? What do her friends think of him or the relationship my dd friends don’t like him so unfortunately she is losing her friendship groups

I also want to tell you I was 17 who moved in with a guy who was 7 years older than me. He was the one who lied about his age.

Nothing my family could do to convince me to stay away, they only made me mad because I really liked him at the time.

The best you can do is talk to her how you feel but always make sure to keep communicating with her. Don’t talk bad about him, it will just make her mad when she is not ready. She will let you know.

When I was 19 I dated an older guy and my parents sat back and let me get on with it under their roof. In hindsight I wish that they had questioned the situation a little more as he really played me for a mug and it was quite clear for anybody to see. He had lied to me about his age and I naively wanted to believe him, he also cheated on me and gave me an STI, purposely forgot valentine's/xmas and birthdays and was just on a huge power trip.
I really struggled to find the strength to break away from him and I think he played on the fact that my family so willingly accepted his nonsense and turned a blind eye to the way he was treating me.
I'm not sure what advice to give but do keep a close eye and make sure she knows her worth and that she deserves the best.

Why is his dad involved - smacks of grooming to me and is very worrying.
He shouldn’t be involved so much in his sons life. Go for Claire’s law disclosure on BF and father- yes to implant contraception and big talk on finances- she mustn’t Sign for any loans or be a guarantor or anything similar. You have to stand with open arms and can’t really challenge him on anything. Can you agree some kind of secret code with DD for any kind of life emergency ( not specifically re BF) so she can signal she’s in danger

As I said earlier, I would guess he's done jail time due to his lack of ability to live alone and socialise. Claires law means you can request your local police force to tell you if he's a danger to your daughter

@Raincoatdog

When I was 19 I dated an older guy and my parents sat back and let me get on with it under their roof. In hindsight I wish that they had questioned the situation a little more as he really played me for a mug and it was quite clear for anybody to see. He had lied to me about his age and I naively wanted to believe him, he also cheated on me and gave me an STI, purposely forgot valentine's/xmas and birthdays and was just on a huge power trip. I really struggled to find the strength to break away from him and I think he played on the fact that my family so willingly accepted his nonsense and turned a blind eye to the way he was treating me. I'm not sure what advice to give but do keep a close eye and make sure she knows her worth and that she deserves the best.

This scenario is quite common unfortunately. Parents can feel stuck between fear of pushing you away and disapproving of something that is clearly wrong. IMO voicing that they don’t support it in a supportive way is the best was to handle it. A 18 yo may not see that a man in his 30s living at home with no career are red flags as they and most of their friends would be have a similar lifestyle (being >20) so don’t have that perspective to see him as the creepy loser he is.

@eatsleepread

He's a dirty perv. No well adjusted man in his 30s would want an 18 year old girl. He'd be looking to meet someone reasonably closer in age, with a bit of life experience. YANBU.

So what does that make her?

Is she not "well adjusted", damaged in some way?

Is that emotional mal adjustment the op and her partners fault as the parents?

Oh OP, I have an 18 year old dd and would also feel exactly the same as you are right now.

I did skim read your replies, where are the getting the funds from to pay the rent for the flat?

Something does just seem quite wrong with the dad pushing for this I agree,.

I know a few women that got into relationships with much older men when they were younger and they are still with them 10 years+ on. In my experience, the age gap always affects the power balance and the dynamics just aren't the same as a relationship with people of a similar age. In a few cases I believe that some of the behaviour borders on abusive as the older man tries to retain the control and dominance they enjoyed at the start of the relationship especially when the woman starts to earn her own money and develop her own life experience and ideas.

Lots of these women (like many on this thread) view the longevity of their relationship as proof that they were right to ignore the age gap doubters. Anyone can cling to a relationship if the other party is happy to do the same, it's not necessarily a sign of success or evidence that the relationship is healthy or good. Unfortunately one of the benefits the men get from picking an inexperienced partner is that the women often have fewer reference points about what a healthy normal relationship can be like so they misguidedly believe they are in one when they aren't.

So what does that make her?

Is she not "well adjusted", damaged in some way?

Is that emotional mal adjustment the op and her partners fault as the parents?

It makes her 18 and not yet wise to a lot of things that more mature heads may see, and the 34 year old should know that.

I don't have anything against age gaps really, for me they depend on the stage of life of both parties, and 18 is vastly different to 34, the amount of growth and change in those years is massive and again the 34 should recognise that.

There’s 13 years between me and my husband - don’t do it.

@Sapho47

It makes OP's 18 year old daughter naive, inexperienced and vulnerable in comparison to someone in their mid 30s.

It makes her someone who could still be in school and is only just old enough to vote or drink. It makes her lacking in life experience.

She may well adjusted for an 18 year old, but she is still an 18 year old.

Whataboutery doesn't work when you're comparing an adult in their mid thirties to someone who is only legally an adult this year.

The difference between an 18 year old woman and a 30 year old one is phenomenal.

I was a very clued in, responsible 18 year old, but the life experience of 12 years is enormous.

I definitely was a different person 12 years later.
Far more confident in myself and my decision making.

Anyone who thinks otherwise is an idiot.

The 12 year difference in my case was

I finished my education
I moved out of home.
I inter railed around Europe twice
I moved abroad
I travelled extensively
I set my own home up abroad
I completely 100% relied on myself financially for 10 years

How anyone cannot see that that sort of life experience matures you enormously is beyond me.

As someone wrote above, women who get involved with someone much older whilst very young, and settle down, are invariably swapping their parents for another adult.

It absolutely can mess with the maturing process.