Page 9 | She is 18, he is 34!

ManyBooksLittleTime · 2021-02-28T09:03:44+00:00

I am so upset. My daughter has been dating since lockdown and has stopped us seeing her boyfriend. She told us he was 20. We have become increasingly suspicious as to his age. When we have caught glimpses of him from afar, he has hidden in a big hood and turned away. The day before yesterday she announced he had been phoning flats for them to move in together. My husband and I decided we needed to see this guy. She had managed to get him a job with her and I went into the shop unannounced yesterday.My husband and I both saw him and could tell he was older even with the facemask. We paid for searches online and discovered he is 34! We then went to his house to meet him. We met him and his dad and he seemed reasonably nice. We don't want her moving in with him. He constantly makes her cry eg he ignored both her 18 th and Valentine's day. What do you all think? I think if we hadn't had the pandemic, she would have met someone younger and more dynamic and I'm gutted she is settling for this guy. AIBU?

DdraigGoch · 01/03/2021 22:09

and as an adult now I can’t understand now why my DM didn’t put a stop to me seeing him.
@AnaisNun what would you have done though if she had? Would you have meekly complied or would you have rebelled?

OP, out of interest how did they meet? I could sort of understand two people getting together at a concert or when taking part in a hobby as there's an obvious common interest but I can't imagine someone his age asking out someone her age without it being creepy.

StoneofDestiny · 01/03/2021 22:09

Hard to fathom what an 18 year old and a 34 year old could even find to talk about - ones barely out of childhood and ones heading for middle age.
Importantly, he is treating her badly and that is the biggest flag to be worried about.

DdraigGoch · 01/03/2021 22:14

but I can't imagine someone his age asking out someone her age in another setting without it being creepy.

Corrected my own post.

RootyT00t · 02/03/2021 09:33

@ThatDonkeySaidLeaveIt

No, you called out a parent for parenting and protecting their child from a sexually deviant man.

You've made your point, donkey.

Original poster

ManyBooksLittleTime · 03/03/2021 06:54

I have a really horrible update. When I was at work yesterday my husband called to say the father had picked her up to see his son and then brought her back an hour later. This man is not usually out of bed at this time, so I had guessed they went to look at a flat. She had lied and said they were just catching up.

I didn't see her yesterday as she got home from work so late. She admitted she went to see a flat 'to see what's out there'. I feel sick that that the man she is seeing appears to be ignoring our plea to delay and also that his dad has no problem with this relationship and is helping them skulk around. This is the man that also lied that his son was 31. I feel so out of control with this situation. We are going to talk with her today...

OP posts:

Youllbeoldertoo · 03/03/2021 07:00

@ManyBooksLittleTime

Remember you’re not in control here. She’s 18. I know it’s her I would really struggle too but you’re just going to have to let her do it, if you try and stop her you may damage you’re relationship. Hopefully she’ll play house and see it’s not all what’s it’s cracked up to be, and if she is happy and it works out is that so bad?

Youllbeoldertoo · 03/03/2021 07:01

It’s hard*

pumpkinpie01 · 03/03/2021 07:22

Oh op I really feel for you my dd is a similar age. I think if it was me I would be giving it my all to talk her out of it , what if they get a flat and need more money then she will be dropping out of college for even more supermarket shifts. He's treating her like crap when it should be the honeymoon phase regardless of age that's not acceptable. He has no problem her paying for dates , he makes her cry none of this is a healthy relationship. How about instead you make him welcome in your home and say if they are still together in a year /2 years you will pay the deposit on a flat ? Hopefully within that time she will be spending more time with friends and will realise this relationship is unhealthy and not fulfilling. I wish you luck , what a worrying time for you .

DartmoorDoughnut · 03/03/2021 07:28

Ooof ... good luck OP, I don’t think this is one you’re going to win but I hope I’m proved wrong! She’ll see any interference as an implication that’s she’s not grown up enough to make this decision but the sneaking around and lying proves she knows it’s wrong and not a good idea however much she may want it to be. Try a practical view aka who is going to pay for what?

needadvice54321 · 03/03/2021 07:38

I don't think the age gap is a big issue, it's weird to me for a man of that age to go for a young girl but having seen a couple of relatives make a relationship like that work, I think it can be ok - for instance my 25 year old cousin is due to marry her 41 year old partner later this year. They've been together since she was late teens, and we were all worried about her, but they've made it work and the older she's got actually you notice the age gap less.

However I would be very concerned about your daughter being with someone who upsets her so much?! Missing her 18th and Valentine's Day? He sounds like a bit of a knob and I wouldn't be impressed if my daughter was with him. I'm not sure how I'd handle it though, you'd have to tread carefully x

Original poster

ManyBooksLittleTime · 03/03/2021 08:00

She was always upset. They would arrange to go for a walk, then his back would hurt or his leg would ache or not wake up in time and he couldn't go. He would arrange to game or phone and then fall asleep. Now he wants to move in with her, he is in contact all the time.

I find it really sinister that the father lied for him by knocking some years off and now he is driving to our house for flat viewing appointments. I think it's disgusting he us so keen to push his 34 year old son in with someone that has literally just turned 18. Or us it just because he is that desperate to remove one of his adult , sponging children out if his house? Disgusting man. No morals.

OP posts:

DdraigGoch · 03/03/2021 08:07

OP, you need to realise that you cannot stop this and trying to would make matters worse. All that you can do is try to make sure that her contraception is bomb-proof and wait for this to run its course.

Steph64 · 03/03/2021 08:38

These people are evil users. They can’t believe their luck that someone as lovely and genuine as your girl has come into their sights.

They wouldn’t view a baby as a lifetime’s responsibility but as a benefits’ magnet. I suggest the contraceptive injection, or an implant - it would be too easy to “ forget” a pill.

MrsHusky · 03/03/2021 09:59

@ManyBooksLittleTime

She was always upset. They would arrange to go for a walk, then his back would hurt or his leg would ache or not wake up in time and he couldn't go. He would arrange to game or phone and then fall asleep. Now he wants to move in with her, he is in contact all the time.

I find it really sinister that the father lied for him by knocking some years off and now he is driving to our house for flat viewing appointments. I think it's disgusting he us so keen to push his 34 year old son in with someone that has literally just turned 18. Or us it just because he is that desperate to remove one of his adult , sponging children out if his house? Disgusting man. No morals.

i cannot even describe how much this is raising huge alarm bells for me.. this is what my ex was like.

By the time i left him, he was a controlling, emotionally, sexually, and physically abusive bully.

If you do show this thread to your DD like someone has suggested, i want to leave her a message.

This behaviour won't get better, he's already selfish and inconsiderate, you will end up constantly being let down and scared of challenging him when you've made arrangements and he doesn't want to go.. he will ruin every nice occasion.

Please, please think twice about this, dont be me, don't throw your life away on a guy that can't even treat you correctly now, because it will not get better.

EnchantedOcean · 03/03/2021 10:14

Unfortunately this is one of those situations where the best thing you can do for her is to make it so that she always feels comfortable coming to you if things go south.

One of my best friends back in uni dated a man much older than her too. He was one of those artsy 30-something year old guys and he got her into weed, and by the time she was in her last year of uni we hardly saw her as all her time was spent smoking and playing video games in this man's house. Took her almost 6 years but last summer she finally left after he started asking her to do something more extreme than usual on OnlyFans to sustain their lifestyle.

I don't know all the details and I think my friend's case is an extreme one but I think what helped her greatly was her mum being there for her rain or shine. It's tough, OP.

LittleGwyneth · 03/03/2021 10:49

You are being massively overbearing, and you're going to drive her further towards him. Of course the fact that he's upset her is a massive red flag, but the age difference is their business and theirs alone.

The more controlling you are the further she'll pull away from you. If you actually want to help her, you need to bite your tongue and be polite to him. That way if things get bad she'll feel able to come to you. The right thing to do here isn't the enjoyable thing.

Also plenty of people have a large age gap and a healthy relationship, the previous posters calling him a 'pervert' need to sort themselves out.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 03/03/2021 11:17

Those saying the age gap isn't an issue... if you're ein your 30s would you date an 18 year old (man / woman technically but boy / girl feels more natural to say of someone that age) who was in sixth form, had just left it, was doing an apprenticeship, first year of uni etc?

If you don't think that she gap should be troubling for the OP's daughter then you would do so yourself, I guess?

You'd hang out if he was in his school uniform? You'd go to a club with him and all his 18 year old mates?

It feels icky because it is. It's a total imbalance of power and life experience. A well adjusted person in their 30s doesn't date an 18 year old.

Nenevalleykayaker · 03/03/2021 11:23

They’re both adults. Some age gap relationships work. But the fact he’s ‘constantly making her cry’ as you state, so early into the relationship probably isn’t a good indicator.

Step back and support her from a distance though. If you get too involved too quickly you could lose her to him.

Also, now imagine a 13 year old with a 35 year old,...now that’s not normal. But it happened in my family.

interest12 · 03/03/2021 11:32

From 15/16 - 19 I dated a complete loser that was 9 years older than me. My parents were kind to him and supportive of the relationship ... I wish they had told me that I was too good for him and it was ok to break up with him and have normal teenage years. I needed that support. They encouraged me to be kind to him.. I felt that I had no good reason to dump this poor pathetic man ( stupid teenage thinking) and no support but was embarrassed by him. I have resented them for it.l have since told them so but they said they didn’t want me to run away or cut them out.
I just found out he died, 20 years later and feel only relief. Haven’t told my parents as I couldn’t bare it if they say something like “oh that’s sad”. He was an abuser.
So be a parent...even to adult children. they may not want to hear it now, but in years they will understand that you were trying to do the right thing.

Dontbeme · 03/03/2021 11:32

How are they getting a flat without any references? I would ask her straight out OP if she is mature enough to be making these choices as she wasn't adult enough to be truthful about where she was going yesterday.

I would also warn her about getting any flat in her name as she will be the one that has to work extra hours to pay for it when "Mr 34 years old that gets his dad to collect his teenager girlfriend" decides that his leg hurts, he can't work but can sit home and game can't do his share of the financial load any more. She needs a great big heaping dose of reality, is she not embarrassed that her boyfriend at 34 years old gets his dad to collect her like some 15 year old?

interest12 · 03/03/2021 11:34

@LittleGwyneth

You are being massively overbearing, and you're going to drive her further towards him. Of course the fact that he's upset her is a massive red flag, but the age difference is their business and theirs alone.

The more controlling you are the further she'll pull away from you. If you actually want to help her, you need to bite your tongue and be polite to him. That way if things get bad she'll feel able to come to you. The right thing to do here isn't the enjoyable thing.

Also plenty of people have a large age gap and a healthy relationship, the previous posters calling him a 'pervert' need to sort themselves out.

I don’t agree at all. Let her know you don’t approve so she knows she will have support when she tries to escape him.

ahchoochoo · 03/03/2021 11:41

I'm sorry for not reading the whole thread, but I really wanted to say I was your DD over a decade ago.
My parents went NC over the relationship, I felt very alone and that he was the only one there for me at the time, I was very naive and had a sheltered upbringing, I married him at 19, had DC. I have since reconciled with my parents, but I don't believe I'd be with this man had they remained in my life in a supportive way.
In my 30s now, we are still married, but it's more of a 'I'm stuck' situation. I have grown a lot in the years since meeting him, whereas he has not changed at all. He's extremely immature with very little drive.
Please be there for your DD , do not push her away, I wish I'd had the support of my family, I may have realised my mistakes sooner.

Original poster

ManyBooksLittleTime · 03/03/2021 11:46

Thank you Interest12 I don't agree with LittleGwneth either. I actually haven't said or done v much at all yet. I've been v quiet whilst processing everything and have turned to advice from MN before I have spoken with her. The advice has been superb from most people and I am going to be so careful and tread v carefully.I'm going to discuss contraception again this afternoon. The implant is an excellent idea.

To my knowledge, when the relationship started she had been 17 for 3 months. My son thinks it was earlier, when she was 16.I do think this is incredibly wrong. An age difference is fine when both couples are older.

I am praying they cannot get refs. It wouldn't surprise me, though, if his father went Garentor on the flat as he seems determined to get them in together.

OP posts:

billy1966 · 03/03/2021 12:22

Sorting her contraception is key.
Treading carefully too.

Stressing that whilst you may not like the age difference, you will always be there for her.
Keep her close.
Listen to her complaints when they come supportively but silently until she hopefully sees him clearly.
Definitely always making it clear her room is there and ready for her.

That is all you can do.
My stomach churns at the thought of this.

I also agree with above, there is ALWAYS a want in men who go for very young girls.

Flawed characters, every single one of them.

No decent, normal man wanting a healthy ADULT relationship goes sniffing around teenagers.

I've come across some in my time.

They are ALWAYS off.

Make sure you get support IRL.
This must be so upsetting.

The truth is at 18 they are still very innocent, no matter how grown up they thing they are.

They are so vulnerable to manipulation.
And don't these sleezy men sniffing around after them know it.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 03/03/2021 12:35

@LittleGwyneth

You are being massively overbearing, and you're going to drive her further towards him. Of course the fact that he's upset her is a massive red flag, but the age difference is their business and theirs alone.

The more controlling you are the further she'll pull away from you. If you actually want to help her, you need to bite your tongue and be polite to him. That way if things get bad she'll feel able to come to you. The right thing to do here isn't the enjoyable thing.

Also plenty of people have a large age gap and a healthy relationship, the previous posters calling him a 'pervert' need to sort themselves out.

Also plenty of people have a large age gap and a healthy relationship

Would you have dated an 18 year old when you were 34?