Friend is really rude ,aibu here?

[sanber]

We have been friends for over 10 years but the last year she's been really rude.
She rarely texts me first,rings me once every couple of months.
Today for example I text her "oh I have the worst headache today,hope you've had a good week"
Went on WhatsApp and didn't click on it for two hours,then read it and didn't respond.
Now obviously it wasn't a question but normally that's how you speak with friends.
Yet she's on Facebook,sharing random rubbish.
Yet can't be arsed to string a two second reply.
Then other times mid conversation she just stops responding and you will see her on Facebook.
Am I being over sensitive or is it rude ?

Op I have a lot of anxiety around friends. If they don't respond quickly I start to wonder if I have done something to upset them.

Best thing I did was block people from seeing when I was last online. It prevents me from seeing theirs too and so I have stopped obsessing over whether I sent it before or after they were last online.

I am working hard to combat this, it is a build up of years of feeling gulit for absolutely nothing, worrying something I said could have been misconstrued. Over analysing every conversation or interaction, wracking my brains to see if something could have been taken as offensive.

It's not good or easy being the needy friend, you need to try and get over it. They aren't being rude, they are just living their lives which you are not the centre of.

OP, you'll be slated on here for your expectations of your friend. I'll say one thing, if it's not making you feel good- leave it be. There really is no point in trying to uphold a friendship that's not working for you. You'll feel a lot better. Just stop all contact and move on. Don't ever message her again. If she messages you, don't reply.

I only see her once a year now and we only live 10 mins away from each other.

I would take the hint then OP, just stop contacting her, you'll feel better for it.

If you see her once a year and she lives 10mins away she isnt a close friend. If shes not replying to anything, she isnt a friend.

Its harsh, but she doesnt want to be friends with you anymore. Id try and leave the relationship with some dignity.

OP I said earlier you could seem negative and that's not attractive. Your example message was about a great one and I have come across draining people.

But

It could also be that she doesn't like texting much.

Or, if she makes the effort when she has something to say, she could just be self centred.

I had a situation with a friend a couple of years ago where we had become quite close because of circumstances (and had been friends for a few years before that) and we both faced difficult issues in our lives at the same time but different things. I made myself available to meet up with her and chat when she needed it. She would text me to ask how I am and if I want to meet up and then I would reply and she wouldn't respond. A week or so later I might ask how she is and she would either not respond again or tell me she's sorry she hasn't been in touch but she's had a tough time lately with no irony considering what I was going through and made the effort anyway.

Eventually I stopped messaging her as it was clear she wasn't interested in being a good friend to me at that time or maybe she couldnt be.

The reason this situation came to me was because this friend at that same time was always posting on Facebook and Instagram so I couldn't accept she was feeling too down to text me. Yes it's up to her what she does and it's up to me what I do and I decided I wouldn't waste my time on people who couldn't take time out for me. I muted her on social media as I found it irritating to see her constant posts when I know she couldn't be bothered to message me! You could try that.

I used to be someone who made the effort to text people and stay in touch. Some of us find ourselves in that position but I have stopped being the one to make the effort and you know what, I'm happier. My friends still text me and I text them, some it's every few weeks and some it's closer to daily, but the friendships feel balanced. Friendships change over time.

You can't change what she does, you can only control you, so make yourself less available to her if the friendship is a bit one sided.

It's too negative. Why not start politely by asking how her day is?

It sounds hard op but if I was you I'd let this one go, I too have intense anxiety around friends to the point of wondering if it's all worth it! I do think this last year has shown peoples true colours. I've learnt that I have high expectations in relationships with friends. And I've accepted some people aren't all that bothered. I'm happy now just having a handful of good trustworthy friends.

FYI that's how I behave when I'm really struggling with my depression and anxiety. Is there any chance she's struggling? Sometimes I just don't have the energy for chit chat, and I know if I reply to someone, they'll have replied back within minutes, and then where does it end?

It might shock you to know that you don't own someone, and you don't have any claim over their time. If she wants to be on Facebook, but doesn't want to message anyone at that moment, that's up to her. It's her time.

Some people don't like mindless chatter on messages every day. And that's fine.

@LindaEllen

FYI that's how I behave when I'm really struggling with my depression and anxiety. Is there any chance she's struggling? Sometimes I just don't have the energy for chit chat, and I know if I reply to someone, they'll have replied back within minutes, and then where does it end?

It might shock you to know that you don't own someone, and you don't have any claim over their time. If she wants to be on Facebook, but doesn't want to message anyone at that moment, that's up to her. It's her time.

Some people don't like mindless chatter on messages every day. And that's fine.

Pretty uncalled for to say that OP doesn't know she doesn't 'own ''people.

I can't be doing with text chats at all. I find them quite intrusive. I'm happy to have a chat because you make the time for it and then it's done

Honestly could have written this myself if I’m honest. Have a friend who claims I’m such a good friend to her and I’m the only one who ever texts to ask how she is when she’s having a shitty time etc (even though she never returns that)! Anyway whenever we are having a text conversation she will always go silent mid convo (then like/post things on social media). Then I won’t hear from her again until I text to ask how she is or if I haven’t done that for a while she will text me a big long message about everything that’s been going on in her life over that time, I then reply and she will either reply once more or not at all. It’s very frustrating so I know how you feel OP. I’m literally thinking of just not replying anymore when she texts and end the friendship there. Don’t really see her since our kids have grown up anyway, unless I have a party and invite her, but as we’ve not even been able to do that I’ve seen her once in a year. Seriously can’t be bothered to use anymore energy thinking what have I done/said wrong each time she doesn’t reply. If she sees me as that much of a good friend then surely she’d be able to give me a few seconds of her time for a reply.

Sounds to me like she doesnt really want to be friends/close friends anymore.

@LindaEllen

FYI that's how I behave when I'm really struggling with my depression and anxiety. Is there any chance she's struggling? Sometimes I just don't have the energy for chit chat, and I know if I reply to someone, they'll have replied back within minutes, and then where does it end?

It might shock you to know that you don't own someone, and you don't have any claim over their time. If she wants to be on Facebook, but doesn't want to message anyone at that moment, that's up to her. It's her time.

Some people don't like mindless chatter on messages every day. And that's fine.

I also suffer from A&D, but I would never treat a friend this way. And in my case, this friend texts me first and then doesn’t respond to my reply no matter what it may be. No we don’t ‘own’ anybody but if someone claims to be a friend, especially a good one, then they at least owe you some common decency!

Rings without texting - OMG AIBU!
When did it become a requirement to make an appointment to have a phone call with a friend FGS? If I call friends, I'll start with "is it convenient to talk" - but if a friend made it clear they expected me to pre-arrange a time slot to have a chat, I don't think I'd bother.

Agree, anxiety and depression is not an excuse for flakiness. And with the advent of smart phones it's become increasingly so. Most people will also understand if you explain why you might have gone a bit off radar as well.... But not if you just disappear completely.

When I was a young adult arrangements were made by phone and then you went to meet the person/people at the appointed time/place. If you didn't you'd be standing people up which was rude and you'd lose friends. Now cancelling plans and flaking out last minute has become so common place it's accepted behaviour.

@ElderMillennial

OP I said earlier you could seem negative and that's not attractive. Your example message was about a great one and I have come across draining people.

But

It could also be that she doesn't like texting much.

Or, if she makes the effort when she has something to say, she could just be self centred.

I had a situation with a friend a couple of years ago where we had become quite close because of circumstances (and had been friends for a few years before that) and we both faced difficult issues in our lives at the same time but different things. I made myself available to meet up with her and chat when she needed it. She would text me to ask how I am and if I want to meet up and then I would reply and she wouldn't respond. A week or so later I might ask how she is and she would either not respond again or tell me she's sorry she hasn't been in touch but she's had a tough time lately with no irony considering what I was going through and made the effort anyway.

Eventually I stopped messaging her as it was clear she wasn't interested in being a good friend to me at that time or maybe she couldnt be.

The reason this situation came to me was because this friend at that same time was always posting on Facebook and Instagram so I couldn't accept she was feeling too down to text me. Yes it's up to her what she does and it's up to me what I do and I decided I wouldn't waste my time on people who couldn't take time out for me. I muted her on social media as I found it irritating to see her constant posts when I know she couldn't be bothered to message me! You could try that.

I used to be someone who made the effort to text people and stay in touch. Some of us find ourselves in that position but I have stopped being the one to make the effort and you know what, I'm happier. My friends still text me and I text them, some it's every few weeks and some it's closer to daily, but the friendships feel balanced. Friendships change over time.

You can't change what she does, you can only control you, so make yourself less available to her if the friendship is a bit one sided.

Omg is this my ‘friend’. I’m deffo taking the same stance you took because this is her even down to us both going through shit times together and her never offering support even though I always texted to say hope you’re ok, thinking of you, and let me know if you need anything, she never did the same!

I have other friends and throughout the day
We are sending pics of clothes we like or cocktails we fancy trying etc etc
There's no formal hi how are you
It doesn't work with her anymore
She looks and doesn't respond
For example one of my other friends just sent me a pic of a cocktail and I responded
"Can't wait till we are sat in a beer garden in summer with one of those in hand "
If I sent that to her ..she would look and say nothing.
She doesn't have any other friends now
She's all for her o/h
That's all her life is
Keeping him happy

@sanber

I have other friends and throughout the day We are sending pics of clothes we like or cocktails we fancy trying etc etc There's no formal hi how are you It doesn't work with her anymore She looks and doesn't respond For example one of my other friends just sent me a pic of a cocktail and I responded "Can't wait till we are sat in a beer garden in summer with one of those in hand " If I sent that to her ..she would look and say nothing. She doesn't have any other friends now She's all for her o/h That's all her life is Keeping him happy

Well, are you sure you’re not assuming your messaging style, frequency and assumptions are universal? If a friend was sending me photos of random clothes or cocktails they liked the look of, I wonder if they’d had a knock on the head. I use WhatsApp almost entirely to arrange meetings or times to talk.I’d find someone asking me how I was on a regular basis really annoying. Which is not today you’re in any way wrong, but your posts suggest your communication methods are not working for your friend.

It doesn't work with her anymore

So. The end. Right?

You just have to accept that she is not being a friend in the way you want, and stop expecting her to.

Where are you having a problem with this? Is it too painful to let her go? Are you too angry with her to just drop it?

If this was how she had been all the time it would be normal.
She used to message every day with similar things.
We both love shopping and the same type of music
We always had things to talk about
Obviously as her behaviour has changed it raises red flags

What sort of red flags?

I think this lockdown has been hard on everyone and people are sick of communicating by messages or zoom calls, especially out of working hours. I know I don’t have the energy to immediately reply to messages at the moment. Is it rude, maybe, but it’s exceptional times.

Gosh you sound so needy! Friendships change, dynamics change. There are friends who you can have meaningless chat with and not think twice.

There are also friends who require more effort because your friendship is not as relaxed as it is with others. It would be so much easier to bunch crap on Facebook than sit down for an evening and have a WhatsApp chat with them.

Clearly she sees your friendship as the latter, and has done for some time. Doesn’t make her a nasty person or a nasty friend. Your friendship for her is different to what it is for you, and you don’t seem to want to accept that.

@MsHedgehog our friendship is relaxed,it's been the same for over 10 years.